Quote from: Chava_Aliza on April 12, 2011, 08:15:20 PM
I come here asking for advice and support not only for me but for the girl I love.
My girlfriend came to terms with being transgender back in February, and has been in the process of her transition since. I met her before although I didn't know her for very long before she came out, but she has been happier and more sure of herself in the few months we've been together and she has been living as a woman than she ever was. Her friends have attested to this and she herself has too.
The only thing I feel that is ruining her happiness...is her immediate family. They have been totally and unbelievably non-supportive, intolerant and have caused her to beat herself up mentally, emotionally and a few times physically. She has pretty much been disowned, is being cut off in two months, and has been forced to drop out of college (with a year and a half to go before earning her degree) and scrambling to find a job to survive. Her life hasn't been the same since she came out, but it wasn't because of her choice to transition. It was because of her parents decision to make it that way.
Recently, she came out to her grandmother and has just now been contacted by her father who is hinting that he and her mother are aware of the contact and she's going to get backlash for it. She's now feeling unsure of whether any of this is the right decision and is talking about just giving it up because she's making so many people unhappy (note that all the people she's made unhappy...are mostly her immediate family who aren't even TRYING to understand her or listen). If she makes that choice, I'm going to lose her--not just in the sense of her detransitioning...but she'll probably be forced to go back home where her parents are, go to school in a different city with no support and no contact with anyone here...who knows what they'll do. I have no trust or faith in her parents anymore and I wouldn't put it past them to completely cut off all ties with the people who love her and support her here.
I don't know what to do. There are only so many times I can tell her not to give up because her "family" are only one voice and are the ONLY people who have not been supportive (even family friends, therapists, and her old FRATERNITY have given nothing but support and love). It doesn't help that she's just started hormones and is still adjusting (hello mood swings galore), but...I'm scared I'll lose her because I don't know how to help her right now.
What do you tell someone in this situation when it feels like you've told them everything repeatedly? What am I going to do if she decides they're right for the sake of not upsetting everyone anymore and sacrifices herself and her happiness for them? I don't know what to do.
IMO she wasn't prepared for transition but please read on before you look away from this post. When you decide to transition you have to make transitioning the main point in your life, everything else takes a back seat. You must mentally prepare yourself for that since its not a maybe thing its an all or nothing thing and its one of the hardest things you do in your life. You run the risk of losing everything, your career, your family, your friends, your relationships, and even your life. If you do not mentally prepare yourself beforehand for the loss you will have a tough time making it. Transition is stressful enough without other people making it more stressful, its important to put people around that supportive and not waste efforts changing unsupported peoples minds, it will just cause more stress. If you are TS by the way, its not something you get rid of, if you don't do it sooner, when you do it later you will utterly hate yourself for waiting, I get sick to my stomach every time i think i could have done this at 18 instead of 31, to think of all the years i missed out.
Here is what she needs to understand and how to approach it:
The life you previously lived was fake, your parents were unaware you were a girl and conditioned you to live as a boy, despite this, you knew you were a girl, its not something that will go away, if you continue living your life as male, then your not living at all, your acting, you dont really exist in the first place, you are playing a made up characters and living other peoples hopes and dreams and not yours. The difference in dropping the act and living as yourself is like night and day. Also you are fighting yourself constantly, which makes you less capable of handling problems the world throws at you, giving you even more disadvantage in life since your fighting a war on two fronts, when you stop fighting yourself, it makes it much easier to deal with things outside.
Forget your parents for the time being and focus on transition, but be civil about it. In other words, just write a letter saying I am sorry you feel i am making the wrong decision in my life, but I know what i am and i can cite tons of facts both psychological and medical to prove that fact, and other people telling me I am not wont change it. I know your worried of the type of person i will become, but whatever it will be, it will be who i want to be not who you want me to be, when i am finished i will show you the success that is my life, and if you wish to be a part of that life the door is always open, you just have to let yourself in. (this is what i did, my parents disowned me for a time, but a year later after they saw how well my life was going on how happy i was, they took me back into there lives, its hard not to love your child, and your parents are really in fear that you will screw up your life, if you show them you wont, a lot of times they return, but of course some wont, if that is the case I am not sure they can be called parents because all they are doing is selfishly protecting themselves and ignoring the well being of their child).
Focus on your transition make it the overriding thing in your life and go back to school. If you dont have the money, get student loans, a part time or campus job, or anything you possibly can. You can transition and go to school at the same time, just surround yourself with supportive people and anyone negative, say thanks for being my friend until now, if you want to in the future let me know, bye. Don't waste any energy on swaying other people, it takes too much and you just feel depressed.
Have a goal outside of transition. Obviously there is a life after transition. Have a goal in life and use transition as just another step to that goal. For me, its to raise a family not transitioning. Everything i do now is heading toward that. While i cannot have children, i can adopted, and a found a wonderful straight man who fell in love with me and proposed (i live in stealth btw, his parents dont know i am TS, but he does but not at first). So i am well on my way to my goal, make sure she has one too.
Move forward, this is important, school, electrolysis, diet, exercise, jobs, HRT, etc... all that stuff is moving forward, don't waste time looking back, just see your future and continue to do little steps to obtain it. As long as your making even the littlest progress your still making progress, and appreciate that progress.
If your GF needs to talk, have her pm me or maybe even talk to me on yahoo, i maybe able to cheer her up, because i know how painful it is and yeah i have gone through it. Most of us have. So if she needs someone to help her feel better, just let me know.
