I just recently started going to therapy for my GID and things are going well.  I figured that the 3 month waiting period for starting hormones would not become and issue.  I was wrong.  I am going to therapy once every two weeks and with that schedule its going to take a full 6 months.  I have never been so low in my life, and it feels like the pressure is too much.  I don't think I will be able to last 3-6 months without harming myself.  I know this may sound crazy, but I am very suicidal.   I feel like I have waited 27 years and now I must wait another half a year.  It seemed easier to deal with before I finally decided to deal with the fact I am TG.  I understand the process and I think that it is there for a reason, but I feel like I am diabetic and they are witholding he insulin. 

I cannot function the way I am now.  I hope it gets easier in the future, but only time will tell.

Charlotte

Hang in there Charlotte. Many of us have been suicidal, but you don't want to end it all just when you are at the beginning of a new life as the person you are inside.
Call you therapist and tell him how you feel. When ever you feel suicidal talk to someone about it please.

Thinks you can do to help :
How about going shopping for new female cloths and makeup. You could practice polishing your nails, that takes time to get right also putting on makeup. There are allot of things you need to learn to appear as a GG so work on them while you wait. I know you have been retraining your voice, kept it up , you doing good girl.
Remember you are moving ahead.
Jillieann

This will be very frustrating, but if you are feeling suicidal then you need to make sure you have time to fully consider everything in your life. 6 months may seem a long time, but going to therapy will help you learn to deal with everything.
Good luck.

Hey, I know exactly how you feel.  A little over a year ago I was exactly in your same situation (except I was 28 when I started dealing with it instead of 27).  On top of that I was forced to change insurance companies at the end of the year and I wasn't able to schedule therapy...at least not with my old insurance (an HMO).  I had seen a therapist a couple of time previously.  So I was finally able to start going to a new therapist on Jan 4,  2006.  I was very suicidal in both December and January and then I started having panic attacks in mid-January.  I let my therapist know all of this and once I totally started being completely honest and telling all, I got my hormone letter (Jan 31).  Not all therapists will make you wait 6 months, and I think where you are mentally will make a big difference.  I had already accepted that I was a woman and not just "becoming" one and I was more than 100% sure I needed hormones.  Well, I started a year and a day ago and I've never regretted it.

Here's some things you may be able to do to help:
Buy things
Start electrolysis or laser
Do lots of research (the wiki is great for that)
Lose weight if you'd like (may as well take advantage of that male metabolism)
Try actually going out while presenting as a woman
If you're not comfortable enough with that, then at least just go out

I hope that helps.

Melissa

Quote from: charlotteNH on February 01, 2007, 12:35:22 AM
It seemed easier to deal with before I finally decided to deal with the fact I am TG.  I understand the process and I think that it is there for a reason, but I feel like I am diabetic and they are witholding he insulin. 

Words practically stolen from my own journal

Once you finally accept yourself, there's an AWFUL period of knowing what you need, yet having to now wait to get it. I ended up waiting 8-9 months for HRT, and my posts on here during that time reflect my desperation.

Hang in there. Hollow words, I know, but... ya just gotta hold on. Most of us have been through exactly what you're describing, we KNOW what you're feeling. Reach out to us, let us help and support you.

By all means, tell your therapist how you feel, BUT be warned: some will see desperation as a sign you're not ready for HRT. That makes no sense to me, but... it happens.

And as others have said, you ARE making progress. Keep that in mind. You've started the process, and now have to just walk through the steps. It WILL happen, but it takes TIME. Pace yourself... as it's a skill you'll need to learn in order to survive all this. I know it's not easy though

Kate

Quote from: charlotteNH on February 01, 2007, 12:35:22 AM
I just recently started going to therapy for my GID and things are going well.  I figured that the 3 month waiting period for starting hormones would not become and issue.  I was wrong.  I am going to therapy once every two weeks and with that schedule its going to take a full 6 months.  I have never been so low in my life, and it feels like the pressure is too much.  I don't think I will be able to last 3-6 months without harming myself.  I know this may sound crazy, but I am very suicidal.   I feel like I have waited 27 years and now I must wait another half a year.  It seemed easier to deal with before I finally decided to deal with the fact I am TG.  I understand the process and I think that it is there for a reason, but I feel like I am diabetic and they are witholding he insulin. 

I cannot function the way I am now.  I hope it gets easier in the future, but only time will tell.

Charlotte

How do you know it will take a full 6 months? Did your therapist say it would? There's no required number of sessions in the SOC.

OMG! Charlotte, please don't think those bad thoughs, you have a lot to live for, and things will get sooo much better, it may seem like a long time, but once you are in theraphy and have been going through the sessions, the time will fly. But talk to your therapist, becuase it does'nt nesscarily have to have a time limit, she can actually prescribe them anytime she wants, just be honest at all of your sessions with her, and prove to her that you are in the right track, and she may go ahead and get you started on HRT.

I know at first it seems so discouraging, I was pawning, and selling things my parents and family had given me, and it was so hard to look up when I was so far at the bottom, but I just kept trying to not look so far ahead, and just took it small steps at a time. Finding the support group really helped, if you can, you should try and find one, after awhile sometimes the meetings were a lot of fun, more of a social gathering, which takes you mind off the grueling tasks of transition.

But your so early into, just relax, things will happen, then you will wake up one day and not be able to beleive how much time has gone by and what you have accomplished. Things do get normal and eventually the GID is not even an issue anymore. But please always remember how important you are in this world, you are a valuable human being, and have every right to be here, so please live.

-pass-   

Quote from: passiflora on February 02, 2007, 09:39:56 AM
OMG! Charlotte, please don't think those bad thoughs, you have a lot to live for, and things will get sooo much better, it may seem like a long time, but once you are in theraphy and have been going through the sessions, the time will fly.

That is SO true.  I think for virtually everyone I've seen, it ALWAYS goes faster than you think it will.  I felt like my body was some testosterone timebomb and I think that's one of the major reasons I started having panic attacks.  I thought if I waited any longer I would never pass.  But you know what, I really don't seem to have problems in that regard.

Melissa

I know I always felt the same way, I could'nt wait to get on HRT to stop that testosterone, but this is a process, and it takes time. Early on I thought I would never pass either, so I was so anxious for my therapist to get me on HRT, because I was for sure thats when the magic would start, and I would be able to pass. But the funny thing is after I started going through the motions and settled down, and got into the theraphy and the support groups and began to socialize, and started feeling better about myself, I did'nt even worry so much about the passing as much anymore I was just being myself, that burried self that was starting to live now, and slowly behind the scenes, the estrogen was working its magic.

-pass-

Thank you everybody for your insight as it has really hep put things in perspective a bit. 

I have been feeling better the last 2 days and suicide is not an option.  I am doing whatever I can for now to help the process, but it does feel like forever   I have been waiting for my next therapy appointment on the 8th just counting the days and this is definitely a test of my resolve.  I have been doing little things recently to perk me up as well as finding a place for hair removal.  Right now my financial situation is not good, but I believe that I am getting a new job soon (that is GLBT friendly and a friend of a friend) that will put me on a 4 year plan to transition and that is if I opt for FFS.  Its amazing how much better I feel when I put on my makeup and snap a few pictures. 

I have also started to realise how much more feminine I look compared to how I percieve myself.  I actually had to ask my GF if my face was that thin normally or if it was the camera messing with me.   Apparently my face is not as angular as I see in the mirror. 

For the record, scales are evil devices.  I have been eating very well and only "cheat" on the weekends, but I haven't lost a pound.  I will keep at it and I am sure it will work in the long term.  I am planning on getting to my minimum weight before hormones and gradually increasing my caloric intake to promote weight gain in the key areas.

Also, I told my brother, mother, bestfriend, and a TG friend about my GID and they have all taken it very well.  Those were the only people I was worried about losing, so that is not an issue.  I have the support, and now I just need to wait it out.  My heart tells me that i won't have to wait that long for hormones as my therapist and I have already agreed that I do suffer from GID.  She actually said "Welcome to the club."  She also has a support group, but I am iffy about going.  I feel that I am an individual and am a bit weary of going for some reason.  I hope this doesn't have an impact on when I am allowed HRT, but I suppose I have no way of knowing. 

Well thats what has been going on in my life and I just want to thank everyone for sharing their experiences instead of everyone just saying "everything will be ok."

Charlotte

Quote from: charlotteNH on February 02, 2007, 03:09:41 PM
...and that is if I opt for FFS. 
[...]
I have also started to realise how much more feminine I look compared to how I percieve myself.  I actually had to ask my GF if my face was that thin normally or if it was the camera messing with me.   Apparently my face is not as angular as I see in the mirror. 

You're right.  I seriously doubt you'll need any FFS.  You'r face looks quite feminine to begin with and I would be surprised if you didn't pass with a (good) wig and makeup now.

Quote from: charlotteNH on February 02, 2007, 03:09:41 PM
For the record, scales are evil devices.

Spoken like a true female.

Melissa

Quote from: charlotteNH on February 02, 2007, 03:09:41 PM
...She also has a support group, but I am iffy about going.  I feel that I am an individual and am a bit weary of going for some reason.  I hope this doesn't have an impact on when I am allowed HRT, but I suppose I have no way of knowing... 

I can understand your reluctance, Charlotte but I think you should give the group a chance.  I was very ambivalent about attending my first meeting, I even went en homme because I didn't trust them (or myself).  I'm glad I went, though, because seeing and interacting with live humans that share this issue with me was more liberating than I can possibly describe.

I'm lucky that I found a good, well balanced group.  Some areas, though, may have groups whose members suffer too much from the scars they received from growing up TS.  Other groups may be dominated by crossdressers which usually makes a TS person feel a bit left out.  But you won't know until you try, will you?  And if your therapist mentioned them I would think that she has your best interests at heart?

So, I suggest that you try a meeting or two.  If you don't like it then you can easily bow out.  But once you go to a couple, who knows?  You just may find group of kind, tolerant and understanding new friends who will be happy to help you on your journey.

hugs & smiles
helen

Quote from: charlotteNH on February 02, 2007, 03:09:41 PM
She also has a support group, but I am iffy about going.  I feel that I am an individual and am a bit weary of going for some reason.

For someone who intends on transitioning, meeting transsexuals who HAVE transitioned can be a very powerful experience. I must admit I was skeptical about my chances of living an ordinary life... until I met the women in my support group. They're just so, well, BORING, lol (in a good way), it really helped solidify my determination that *I* could get there too.

I WILL be boring and dull and disgustingly NORMAL if it's the last thing I do, lol...

Kate

Thank you so much for your response Kate    I think I will go to the support group this month.  I just feel odd showing up in guy mode I suppose, and I don't have the clothes or money to get some ATM.  I know that doesn't really matter but still.  I just emailed my therapist to find out when it is.  I appreciate the advice everyone has given me! 

Charlotte

Quote from: charlotteNH on February 02, 2007, 09:52:48 PM
Thank you so much for your response Kate    I think I will go to the support group this month.  I just feel odd showing up in guy mode I suppose, and I don't have the clothes or money to get some ATM.

LOL, ah yes, I've been there too: take a peek at    
Dressing for a support group?

Kate

Don't worry about being in guy mode, I was in guy mode through most of my group, prolly a "sissy" guy, but I just went how I felt comfortable, just do what feels comfortable, and don't worry about trying to look or act a certain way. You will see all sorts girls there, at diffrent stages of transition, just be yourself, you know what your internal identity is and they will know also. The first meeting I went to was pretty kewl, because it was actually on a saturday during the day, and it was just an organized social event. I went with someone that I had met through my electrolyiss and she introduced me to everyone, and for that day, it was just like watching movies, and they had a pool table and stuff like that. It was really fun.

But now, depending on the group and stuff, and what type of meetings there  are, the regular meetings can get intense, and sometimes be very serious, so just be prepared. But all in all they are a good way to get started.

in your corner,
-pass-

Thank you all for the advice.  I will be going tomorrow after dinner, so if I have the time, I will post how it went and my impression.  This particular support group is at my therapist's house.  It should be VERY interesting or VERY uneventful 

Charlotte

Quote from: charlotteNH on February 05, 2007, 02:27:27 PM
Thank you all for the advice.  I will be going tomorrow after dinner, so if I have the time, I will post how it went and my impression.  This particular support group is at my therapist's house.  It should be VERY interesting or VERY uneventful 

Enjoy it!

And remember: everyone there was the "newbie" at one point. Odds are, they'll remember what it was like their first time, and will do their best to make you feel right at home

Kate