First time I dressed in female clothing was a time many years ago when we got invited to a big family reunion, this in Massachusetts where most of the family came from, I didn't go, had to work, couldn't get the time off, so my mom, brother, sister and her only son (still a baby) at the time went. During my time alone at home, I had me a few days to reflect on the things I had been feeling about myself, I did some experimenting and some dress-up. I tried on some of my mom's clothes, the ones that fit (there was this very nice dress that I thought I would look pretty in, if only I were a girl), and put on a little bit of make-up that I had the guts to actually go out a buy (also this time is when I first got my ears pierced too), and since I knew that I would be alone for several days, sometimes I would spend all day dressed up in the house, I felt wonderful. But after it was all over with and I couldn't be me anymore because family was coming home, I got really depressed because I knew it was time to put myself, the real me, back into hiding. Afterall, how could they accept me like this, it wasn't natural, I'd be looked at like a freak, something to laugh at and make fun of, something to hurt for those willing to commit such acts, they would be angry, hurt, disappointed, ashamed, denial, what else, I went back into my shell.
I wish I could remember when I first came out, told my family about wanting to be female, but when I first had, the worst that they could think is that I was going to tell then that I was gay, because of the newly effeminate behavior and whatnot that I was slowly leaking out, nope I'm not gay, actually I have no idea what gender I'm attracted to, doesn't matter to me, never been something I ever put much thought to, I want to be a girl. My mom had a fit, she refused to believe it, to even accept that I even told her such a thing, but interestingly her boyfriend at the time, it was he that I think helped her to understand what was going on, either love and support your child in this, afterall he's still going to be the same person, or risk losing him forever because he could end up killing himself if alone in this. She tried really hard, I know it was rough on her, its got to be for any parent, here they gave birth to this cute little boy, raised and nurtured him all those years, always looking forward to a time when perhaps he'll grow up, get a girlfriend, get married, have kids of his own, and in one moment that all changes completely, the world done turned upsidedown on them.
It took several years later before I went full-time. One day, I was home alone, I was really depressed thinking about how I'd have to live out the rest of my life as a man, and no way was I going to be able to handle that, and even though I was able to dress a little more feminine, wear various colors of nail polish, and some pretty accessories, I was still looked at and refered to as male, and still as my birth name. I was laying on my bed, knife to my throat, just kept telling myself, quick deep slash, once done there's no turning back, all your pain would be over after you bleed to death, no more worrying about having to continue as a gender I didn't feel comfortable as. I don't know if I woud've actually done it (prior to that there was a time that I tried to cut my testicles out, I got faint from the tiny bit of blood loss and stopped, and another time that I totally shaved my head bald just to hurt myself since I had always liked my hair long, but this was the first time that I actually put a knife to myself that I can recall intend on ending my life), had no idea that anyone would be home soon, but my brother walked in, my hand stayed as was, and I was crying uncontrollably. He was the one that got me some help (which is really sad that over time he became an uncaring selfish jerk, because I still remember this one great thing he did for me) and made some phone calls.
Anyway, once I talked to a therapist, suddenly where there was no hope at all, I was on my way to a better me.
Of coarse, getting on hormones still required me to have to wait some more, a whole year at that before I was given permission to see an endocrinologist, that's also when I started going full-time as a woman, didn't go overboard on clothing that would make me stand out too much, nor make-up, but then I did stand out quite a bit being as I started wearing a bra, and I was scared to death (only I did not die), going out into public like this, I got plenty of stares, but the whole while whist my heart was hammering away I kept telling myself, ignore them, they mean nothing, because once you do get on those hormones, you are going to look so damn good that only those that are really observant such as an occasional child or artist would have any questions (and it would only be my adams apple to give anything away), and even then most would just shrug it off. It was a scary, uncomfortable time, but I braved through it, had to, it was either that or kill myself because I certainly wasn't going to continue a life of misery as what I currently was in body.
Thankfully I did have family to support me, at least my mom once she fulling came to terms with who I was, when I couldn't walk to see my therapist she drove me, when I went to get my name changed she came with me (I tried to get her to give me an idea of what she would have named me if I had been born a girl, but didn't get anything out of her, so I named myself using a name that I had been thinking about for quite some years), whenever I went to the endocrinologist she drove me, she was there supporting me through it all, even gave me my shots (initially her boyfriend administered them to me, but then once she learned how to my mom took over this job), even if she didn't understand it, I was still her child and she wanted me to be happy. My brother, the way he saw it, everyone has their problems, no one's perfect, if I want to be a girl, so be it, he's not living my life so it shouldn't really bother him, though years later, I realize that maybe it did, afterall we were brothers, and we'd lived our entire lives together, and during my transition we slowly started drifting apart (though I think much of it has to do with him becoming too serious, losing much enjoyment out of life, becoming much of what his father was), we weren't close anymore, whereas I used to never be close to my mom I suddenly was, and I think this bothered him. My sister, well she took it hard, she thought I was trying to garner attention away from her, trying to replace her as the daughter, and here I thought because she has always been the only girl and she had always said that she'd wish that she had a sister that we could have been closer, boy was I wrong, she was my enemy from that point on, I know it in the way she acted towards me, I tried through the years to get close to her, but jealousy and selfishness got in the way, she wanted her mom all to herself. It also took quite some years for my mom to make others aware of what I was, such as coworkers at her job, the ones that she did tell were okay with it, actually compassionate and very open-minded about it, wasn't as hard as she thought it was going to be, but family back home in MA, not much acceptance there, oh well, its been so long since I had seen any of them that they are all pretty much strangers to me anyway.
Hardest thing, moreso than being just out there in public was work, I didn't last long there after coming out completely to them, but did manage to deal with the abusive treatment for a bit. Actually first time I entered my job showing off boobs I did not have, one of my bosses when he was walking passed, stumbled at the site of me, nearly tripped, but even though I was terrified of what everyone there would think of me or how they would treat me, I got some twisted satisfaction out of seeing the stunned faces and people making absolute fools of themselves over little ol' me, just because of something so simple as wearing clothes designated for the opposite gender, kind of brought a smile to my face despite the nerves. But even though I spend nearly 7 years working for that company, mostly stocking shelves overnight, so rarely ever was there any customer interaction, I was mistreated badly from that point on, eventually I just couldn't take it anymore and quit.
Even though it was a rough awkward time, it did get easier to cope with, even when out shopping, I'd see some people or groups of people stare (my mom had a hard time with this for a while, she'd stare right back and make them uncomfortable, or ask them rudely what the hell they were looking at), or hearing them wispering, or blantantly saying it loud enough, "Is that a guy, or a girl?", I heard them, and saw them out of the corner of my eye, but payed them no mind, refused to look their way or to give them any attention, afterall that's what they want, to see a reaction out of you, I had my mind set and a goal, had to focus on that. Once on the hormones things would get so much easier, eventually not a single person would ever bring it to my attention that I'm not a woman, I would be looked upon as a lady and treated as one.
My body went through changes over the first couple years (a very gradual slow process, its like growing up, you don't even notice it til you look back a while later and suddenly realize, wow, what a difference!), I would get less frequent erections, eventually rarely have 1 or 2 per month if that, and nothing very strong or long lasting, I started getting breasts (though they never did get very big, I was happy to at least have something, no more filling a bra with tissue or such), and my butt and thighs got so much fuller (I actually had a shape), was actually get stretch marks and was happy about it, my skin was softer (bruised a lot easier though), less oily (no more zits), slower body hair growth so once I shaved or plucked hair it'd stay gone for days (not grow back immediately the next day), as well as no more of that strong male body odor when you sweat, but side effect, because of redistribution of fat and muscles, somehow I also got much weaker, but hey, no big loss. And emotionally I was more sound, I would cry easily such as during a sad or bitter happy part of a movie, and overall generally be able to convey my feeling more openly, wereas before that I would keep everything bottled away, only showing anger and meloncholy sadness.
Not sure what more to say right now. It was rough, it was scary, but I knew from the start that I could do it, and it was well worth it, I think the whole journey has made me a stronger person, just wonder now how strong I really am, I guess I must be doing okay, I'm still here afterall despite doing things to hurt or punish myself alone the way, I still hang on to my dream, I only hope that it will be realized in full soon, at least as much as can be short of being reborn as a girl.
