Quote from: JungianZoe on May 02, 2011, 06:25:15 PM
Thank you, each and every one, for responding with the little tips and hints! I found out today that one of the side effects of depo is depression, and that could be (in part) what I'm experiencing. When I was on spiro and E, I didn't feel this way (my T levels stayed at 650 though, so no suppression). In fact, on spiro, I cranked out my honors thesis, worked 30 hours a week, took another class, and went through the entire grad school application process.
Now my productivity is shot. T levels are nicely suppressed, but switching to depo caused what I know to have been a bit of depression for the first three months of the year. Then, in March, my doc doubled my E on top of the regular depo shot. Things have been sliding downhill ever since, to the point that I even told a friend last night that I was a monster who crushed everything she loves.
Today's been a bit brighter since I was able to get out of the house (therapist appointment and work) but now that I'm home, that old feeling is coming back. I have a long history of suicidal depression going back to my first attempt at the age of 11, and while I can say this isn't as bad as my darkest moments, those darker moments are full of nasty thoughts instead of being total voids like they once were. I try so hard to tell myself good thoughts, but the stupid crap my abusive stepmom fed to me rises to the surface. But I try... I really do try to break that pattern and put better thoughts in their place. My friend also told me last night that it sounded like the boy self was pushing through, not the shining girl that she's come to know the past few months.
I consider myself very spiritual, but not religious. No matter how much I've read about mindfulness, all of that teaching goes out the window when I'm at my worst (at the time I need it the most). The dark thoughts are so stubborn that they push away good thoughts. The more positive the thought, the harder it pushes. Maybe it's just practice, I don't know. But I'm just tired of spending the last two or three hours of every day in tears, unable to move a muscle because my whole body feels like it's carrying a jetliner.
As far as reaching out goes, I'm just not good at it. My dad and stepmom abused me physically, mentally, and emotionally, but my mom and stepdad had a strict "no whining" rule. You didn't talk unless it was cheery and they didn't want to hear anything else. Though they support me in my transition, they still tune out as soon as you say something is wrong (and sometimes begin to yell that they don't want to hear about my problems). They'll share in joy, but nothing else. So I very much have a fear of reaching out to anyone at all. If my parents won't even listen, then who will? I don't want my friends to disappear because I'm not smiling.
I agree with rejennyrated that progesterone helps to improve mood and libidio - I find the same thing. The past 3 days I haven't taken my progesterone because I have run out, and I have sort of fallen into that old pattern of hopeless thinking. I also was suicidally depressed in my teens, since thirteen, and I had many attempts, although non were successful (well obviously, since I am here writing this
).
I'm also like you in that I feel I am responsible for destroying or damaging many of my loving relationships in the past. I often feel like I am bad person for pursuing transition to the detriment of my wife, my family etc. My stepmother told me "you need to consider others when you take action" implying that I didn't consider the impact on my loved ones when I started all of this. In the same conversation she told me "I prayed to God to have a daughter when I had your younger sister, because I already had a son. I don't believe God can be wrong". Well, what a wonderful thing for her to say, which is really a circuitous way of expressing that she doesn't believe I am female. Thanks mum. I simply replied "I don't believe in your religion, I can only follow my heart.". She was silent for a moment, and told me that she understood, although she didn't agree.
Unlike you, my parents were never abusive - they always took wonderful care of me, and showed me love in their own way. We were always rather distant physically (never any hugging or kissing) and my father was never able to connect emotionally. However, when I was in the throes of teenage depression, cutting my wrists, putting my head in the oven with the gas on, things like that, dad always made it about him. "Why are you doing this to me?" was a common thing he would say. Finally one day, when I was 16 or 17, he said to me "Poor you, you always expect people to help you." I have never forgotten that, even though 15 years later dad is different now, and far more open. I always knew it was a chemical thing, and combined with general teenage angst, and feeling like a freak for wanting to become a girl didn't help. Finally I went on Prozac and after a year I got better.
That was a bit of a tangent I guess. With regards to depression and hrt, my first six months of hrt I was in the best mood of my life. Then I started Androcur and injectable estradiol valerate, and that sent me into the worst depression I have ever experienced. I spent six months unable to find any joy in anything, and all I could think of was finding a way out of the pain, in other words dying. I began to research euthansia methods, and found a method that I could use that was simple, painless, with easily obtainable materials. I bought all the implements and left them sitting in my cupboard for weeks. Then when the day came for me to do it, I set everything up and just sat in my room sobbing for hours. See, I could never do it. I knew I could never do it, because I knew I didn't want to die, I just wanted the pain to go away. In my mind, when I would picture the act of dying, I could never mentally follow through. If I could never mentally follow through, I knew I could never physically follow through. I threw all of the suicide stuff away after that.
For me, Androcur was a huge contributing factor in the depression. Once I stopped taking it my mood lifted, although I do get down on occassion, and still think of suicide as an option, but I am more in control of my emotions now, and whenever those thoughts surface I understand that it is partly hormonal, and partly my frame of reference which I have built over many years. I read a post on susans recently where somebody wrote something like "Once you have considered suicide, it will always remain an option in your mind". For me that rings true. I am convinced that clinical depression is predominantly chemical, but the way you deal with it, that's self-disicipline and habit. If, when you are depressed, it is your habit to stay at home with the lights out, brooding and listening to sad music, and contemplating suicide, that is something you can change. It's all about forcing yourself to go out and do things that make you happy. I think things like exercise, clean diet, not drinking or taking drugs, and having good friends around you helps. Ultimately, it's about thinking about other things that help. When depressive feelings surface I like to do things like focus on work, go out and have a nice meal, or play a challenging video game.
If your friends are real, then they will stay by your side regardless if you are smiling or crying. They know the true beauty inside you. They will understand that you are going through a difficult time in your life. If they disappear, then, my dear, we call those "fair weather friends" and those aren't worth having. I might be overstepping a boundary here, but I would say the same for parents. If they want nothing to do with you when you are unhappy - when it REALLY counts - what in heavens are they good for?
However, while we can leave friends who don't treat us in the right way (god knows I've cut off all ties with putative friends who have used me one too many times) we are usually stuck with our parents. Sometimes, with parents, you need to force things. You need to come out and tell them that you need them to listen to you, good and bad, and if you have an argument, that might be viewed as a good thing. A good argument, where you express your real emotions, will bring truth out into the open, and if your relationship with your parents is meant to be, then it may draw you closer. It could go the other way though.
I guess I'm just saying if you want your parents to understand and listen to you, you need to keep going to them time and again and express your emotions, make it clear how important it is that they listen to you, and if they don't listen the first time, then try again, and again until they relent. You're their child, you have a right to badger them about your feelings, just as they have a right to tell you how they feel, be it negative or positive. You may very well end up arguing. You may well end up arguing a LOT. I personally think every argument in which true feelings are expressed is productive, as long as the dialogue continues afterwards and nobody says "I'm never talking to you again, get out of my life". I don't know, it might work, it might not, that's how I do it and it works with my parents, but my parents chalk that down to stubborn and flakey me.
Quote from: JungianZoe on May 02, 2011, 06:25:15 PM
Ugh... I'm just going to shut up now.
There's no need to tell yourself to shut up, we're all here to listen to one another and support one another through what, for many of us, is an extremely difficult path. You should never have to apologize for feeling the way you feel.
