I get stuck in these places in my head where I just start thinking, and thinking about everything. Too much of everything, but I came down to realizing a couple of things.

-I will never be a perfect boy, no matter how much I wish genies existed.

It took so long to realize, that no matter how much time goes by, I will probably never be a perfect boy. I may be a boy, but I am far from a perfect version. I have my issues, my tendencies but I guess the one that truly bugs me is, well, I'll never have my own kids.

I hope I'm not the only one in thinking this but, thinking back, to my previous body. I try to imagine you know, the whole kids, boys, and breast feeding. My girlfriend's sister just had a baby, so this is probably the main reason I started to think and realize all this. And kind of makes me disgusted to ever think that was possible of me. That I could do those things, physically. Because in my head, that seems so alien and bizarre. There was the whole news thing about the transman that had a baby with his body, since he had not fully transitioned. And I wonder, how the heck did he do that? That would gross me out. Just the thought of all those things gross me out. I don't mind the idea of my girlfriend doing it, or another woman but me? That's just disgusting.

I grew up outside the "normal" family. I don't really know what a normal family is but my family has always been pieces that never formed a whole. In other words, my family has always been a shambled mess. I don't really have much family to lean on, only about three members of my family that I trust with my life, though I'm out to everyone. I wonder if that's why I get treated the way I do by family, but then I realized it wasn't because I was a boy, but because that's how my family always was. So I highly covet family. It is probably the most important thing to me in the world. To have my own family, to have people I can count on, that will help me with no questions or judgment or anything when they need it, or I need it. But a family that hold each other up, my own family. A wife, brothers, uncles, kids, the works. You know?

But, then I realized. I can't have kids. People keep telling me "Well, even if you can't have kids, they'll still be your kids". However, is it so weird to want people to go "Oh, my! He/she looks just like you!" or something like that? It's a weird fantasy of mine, that it could be possible to have my own biological kid with a woman (as I am a straight male). I've thought about it. We could use an egg from me, and a donor, and have my wife have the baby, and use the same donor with one of her eggs. But the whole idea of eggs from me just makes me want to chop my arm off. I don't even like considering it. It literally makes me want to go heave in the other room (or it could be the burger I ate earlier, haha).

It pains me though. To realize that. And I was wondering, sharing, and seeing maybe what other people thought about it. I, thankfully, have two older brothers. One of them is very close in appearance to me, or at least similar enough, I thought maybe if he was willing (which my brother owes me, haha. He's a jerk, I do whatever I can for him. I love him so I'd hope the same of him), we could use him so maybe then I'd feel like... I could hear that. Is that weird? Does anyone else think of this stuff?

Maybe I shouldn't be responding here since I'm the total opposite

I love babies, and always have.  I practically raised my siblings from birth.  But I have always known that I would never have my own kids.  Part of it was because I knew I could never stand giving birth, and the other part was I just felt guilty about bringing kids into this world when there are so many kids already in the world without parents.  Not trying to make anyone else here feel guilty, but I just think adopting/fostering is my calling.
Actually, the whole idea of creating a kid out of me grosses me out. even if I imagine if i had sperm.  I don't want to have a kid to look just like me, that's weird to me   and I'm sure that alone is weird of me. 
I didn't have very loving parents, so I would just like to try help out other kids who don't have good parents either.
And this is my personal values (not trying to judge anyone), but I have so much admiration for people who adopt.  I think helping a child is one of the greatest things you can do.


I feel like I shouldn't have responded here because I'm the opposite of what you're looking for.  but maybe you might be interested to hear an opposite view.  idk.

I'm in the same boat as you. Plus I've also got two older brothers and we all look alike. The one I'm closer with actually basically offered to donate to impregnate my hypothetical future wife back when I first came out as gay. It hasn't come up since then but I hope he would help me out if I ever asked since we're even closer these days than we were then. We've got the exact same color eyes and he has the exact body type I wish I was born with, so that would work out pretty perfectly. I'm pretty proud of my family's genes and I'd like to keep passing them on. I don't think it's weird, I think it would be lucky to have a brother willing to do that.

JohnAlex, I think it's great that you wish to adopt! My dad was adopted and he turned out a hardworking guy, met my mother, and made my brothers and I so I'm thankful!

I get what your saying and I want the same. I always thought, if I wanted a kid that looked like me I have an older sister who I was identical to when growing up so the kid would look identical to me, but my sister being who she is, it's unlikely to think she'd give an egg to me for a future partner, but who knows. She produced an absolutely GORGEOUS son and whenever I used to take him out people said he looked just like me. In fact he looks more like me than his mother or father and people often confuse me for being his parent to older sibling. We have the exact same eyes, the same mouth, and he's identical to me in personality when I was growing up. Luckily in my case having a sister works for me because it's likely I'll end up with a guy and even if I don't that's what sperm banks are for. I just hope my sisters willing.

But anyways, I say if you can get your brother to do it later in life, go for it. I mean you can adopt kids too, but you and your brother share genetics so the kids would be a physical part of you and from what I'm told that's really just an indescribable experience. I mean it's not to say if I do adopt the kids will be less loved than if I have ones genetically related to me.

I felt the same way about keeping and using my own eggs, I mean with my family because we produce really gorgeous offspring (I don't include myself but I  was apparently a very cute child - maybe it was more so my personality) people constantly asked my mother to be a surrogate and donate her eggs. But for me it just felt wrong, even though I lean more towards guys and it would make sense to keep them to use them, I don't like the idea. I myself could NEVER go through pregnancy, I mean I like the idea of pregnancy, just HATE the idea of birth. It disgusts me. I mean I know it's natural, I'm not dissing women (or in certain cases - men) it just personally makes me feel like vomiting. The thought of me doing it...while I'd rather jump in a pool of acid.

Freaking sucks you guys get brothers...I wish I had brothers. I treat my nephew like a little brother though, still I've always dreamt for a big brother. It's kind of why I hope my sister actually finds a good guy to marry, not the douche she's with now, so I can have an older guy who can treat me like a younger brother!

JohnAlex, I greatly respect you for the decision to adopt. I actually agree on helping children out in that sense. My girlfriend, and hopefully future wife, is in love with children. They are her life, so to speak, and she's very nature with children. She wants her own kids, which I understand. Adoption is always an option for me though. Kameron's dad may be a great example of the people that benefit from adopting kids, like Kameron himself.

Jay, I agree. There is just something special about having your own flesh and blood. Something that was made from a piece of you, or maybe someone close to you so that you feel like it was a part of you. I've heard much of the same thing. I personally know that I would love an adopted child, but not nearly as much as I would love a child that I knew was born of my love for someone else, watched grow within them, and was there bedside when it was born. There is just something special about that, I think.

I'm glad to see I'm not the only person that thinks about these things. And I love hearing things contrary to the things I think, JohnAlex. It's great to hear your side of the matter as well.

I love kids and the idea of kids. But always grew up knowing I would never give birth.

That being said my girlfriend wants to mix her and my eggs together with a sperm donor so we don't 'know' genetically 'who' our kid is. But after two years on T my eggs are useless. Luckily I have an identical twin sister if she still wants to do that.

But I am not sure I want to pass my genes. I have TERRIBLE eyesight and had an overbite, which was corrected by expensive surgery and passed down by my biological father. My twin sister's daughter, however has perfect vision so far even though her father, too, has terrible vision. Soooo I guess it doesn't really matter, it's just luck.

Also, I was raised by my dad who I later found out wasn't my biological father when I was ten. And that never stopped me from calling my dad who raised me my dad. But at the same time, seeing pictures of my biological father made a lot of sense since my twin and I grew up being nothing like our mom or dad. So I feel like I could relate to my child if I am not their biological father, yet hope they love me just the same.

I grew up without my biological father in my life either. He became a part of it when I was 8 or 9, but before I thought my biological father was my step dad. My step dad and I were very close even at a young age but my father put an end to that when he decided to come into my life right before my mom died, and thus automatically got custody. The thing is, I never called him father, and I've known people that have been adopted or find out that their step dad isn't their real dad and when they start to rebel will use that against you. I don't think I could survive hearing my child say, "Well, you aren't my real dad, so I don't have to listen to you!"

The only problem I see with using my brother is, I personally wouldn't want anyone to know. Because you know how news travels. If I tell everyone my brother was the donor, eventually my kid is going to find out. And I'm not sure how I'd feel if I found out my Uncle was my biological father because the dad that was raising me couldn't have kids. I don't know, I was a hard headed, angry at the world kid. And I fear the worst. And the worst would be to be rejected by the children you love, biological, adoptive, whatever they are.

Yeah that's harsh. I'm sorry to hear that :/ I can't imagine what that is like.

But no matter how mad I got at my dad I never used the 'you're not my real dad' argument. So that's why I hope it is the same with my own kids.

And news travels but only when people get mad. The only reason I found out about my biological father was because my parents got divorced because my mom's old boyfriend came back in town and him and my mom got back together. Then my mom kicked my dad out and my dad's mom/my grandma was so pissed at my mom she told us that she only took her boyfriend back because he is really my little sisters dad. so my little sister found out that our mom's new boyfriend was her biological dad. so my twin and I were confused and asked our mom about it and she thought if our little sister found out about her dad it was time we learned about ours.

Quote from: Ratchet on May 23, 2011, 03:39:28 AM
I grew up without my biological father in my life either. He became a part of it when I was 8 or 9, but before I thought my biological father was my step dad. My step dad and I were very close even at a young age but my father put an end to that when he decided to come into my life right before my mom died, and thus automatically got custody. The thing is, I never called him father, and I've known people that have been adopted or find out that their step dad isn't their real dad and when they start to rebel will use that against you. I don't think I could survive hearing my child say, "Well, you aren't my real dad, so I don't have to listen to you!"

The only problem I see with using my brother is, I personally wouldn't want anyone to know. Because you know how news travels. If I tell everyone my brother was the donor, eventually my kid is going to find out. And I'm not sure how I'd feel if I found out my Uncle was my biological father because the dad that was raising me couldn't have kids. I don't know, I was a hard headed, angry at the world kid. And I fear the worst. And the worst would be to be rejected by the children you love, biological, adoptive, whatever they are.

Children are going to do that and say things like that no matter what.  Even if you were their biological dad, they'd say, "I hate you!  I wish you weren't my real dad!" 
Kids rebelling know how to be hurtful no matter what.   I guess as parents, we just find a way to not let it get to us because they will outgrown it.  they will grown up and gain maturity, and deep down they always loved you, it's just that they are so immature they don't see the big picture.   But they will when they are older

And if you teach your kid tolerance, I think he would be fine to know that his dad couldn't have kids on his own.  There are lots of people who are proud to be adopted.  they love their parents no matter what.  Parents and children have a natural bond or connection from the beginning that can never be broken, really.  So even your son wanted to, he couldn't start to see his uncle as his real dad, because it was you who raised him.

Ironic, me and Ben just got into this conversation last week actually. We're leaning towards (someday) just having a surrogate so it'll be *our* kid. I've thought about it a lot, mainly because I've got a lot of bad personality traits in my genetics, but so did Ben and he turned out to be amazing. Plus, I can't get over how bad I want a mini-me.

QuoteAnd kind of makes me disgusted to ever think that was possible of me. That I could do those things, physically. Because in my head, that seems so alien and bizarre.

I am SO glad that someone else had that thought. I've read through a lot of posts on here where people talk about how disgusted they are with their plumbing and pregnancy and whatnot, and for me it's just...weird. A huge part of it is probably that I don't get my period (due to my thyroid), or something, but I can't wrap my head around the fact that I could technically get pregnant. It terrifies me. I still want kids but damnit, not like THAT. It ain't right. At least for me, it ain't right. Also, I'd probably die because of all those needles X_X.

Quote from: Ratchet on May 23, 2011, 03:39:28 AM
The only problem I see with using my brother is, I personally wouldn't want anyone to know. Because you know how news travels. If I tell everyone my brother was the donor, eventually my kid is going to find out. And I'm not sure how I'd feel if I found out my Uncle was my biological father because the dad that was raising me couldn't have kids. I don't know, I was a hard headed, angry at the world kid. And I fear the worst. And the worst would be to be rejected by the children you love, biological, adoptive, whatever they are.

I'm having trouble wording this right, but basically I'm not too concerned about that. If need be when the time comes I wouldn't mind finding an anonymous donor that looks like me, but if everyone involved at the time was comfortable with it I just don't see an issue. My body doesn't produce sperm, therefore if I want biological kids I either have to use my eggs and the kids won't be biologically related to my wife, or my brother has to donate. I think it takes a strong man to be able to raise kids you had to ask your brother to help make. Besides, it's not like using a sperm donor would make that donor more of my kids father than I am either. Ya know?

JohnAlex, way to put things. Definitely made me think about things, and made me feel a little better about the whole thing. You're probably right. Kids really do know how to hurt people when they feel the rebellious urge to. I just hope to be the kind of parent my kids respect, love, and can talk to as well as actually being a parent and not a "friend", if you know what I mean. I hope you right. I think it's rather hard to not have more tolerant children as the years go by, the more and more younger people I see the more I notice how hard it is to avoid the reality of the world around us. Tolerance is just a trait every person should have. It's kind of upsetting and surprising to see ignorant teenagers and young people because their parents are just bigots. Thankfully, from experience, I'll be able to teach them a little more about all the different type of people in the world.

QuoteA huge part of it is probably that I don't get my period (due to my thyroid), or something, but I can't wrap my head around the fact that I could technically get pregnant. It terrifies me. I still want kids but damnit, not like THAT. It ain't right. At least for me, it ain't right.

Exactly! Well, I did have that red death you speak of. But it was very irregular and pretty much nonexistent. I did not care, so I never went to the doctor for it. But I was diagnosed with a hormonal imbalance for a while so it was kind of figured that was the cause. It's good to know I'm not the only one totally baffled by this. I mean, imagine it. Imagine being the pregnant one. It makes my junk hurt, and I feel like in my head my body is supposed to have all the opposite parts but the world played an evil trick on me.

I challenge people to imagine themselves pregnant, and in the whole, "mother" role. I was discussing breast feeding. Not only do I find it weird for women to do it, to imagine women doing it, no matter how natural it is. As much as I block out the fact I have this excessive skin on my chest, I tried imagining myself in that position, and I think I'd want to physically harm a baby if it tried that on me. (I'm not particularly serious on that, so don't freak out) But, It was just so impossible to see. I think, well what if I managed to live my life out as a female, and then I tried to think of having a baby, and all that comes along with it. It literally makes me kind of sick to my stomach. It so weird. I have such a love for children and live, but live and children come out of those parts that are attached to me... Ew. I literally cannot successfully imagine it.

Can you?

I can't get over how bad I want a mini-me.

Excepting perhaps raising kids so they can be sold to medical experiments it's perhaps the worst reason in the world to have kids.  Really, they might emulate some of your traits, look vaguely like you and all that, but if you raise them in any sort of normal patter they will become their own people, and will do it from the get-go. 

Quote from: tekla on May 23, 2011, 03:33:02 PM
I can't get over how bad I want a mini-me.

Excepting perhaps raising kids so they can be sold to medical experiments it's perhaps the worst reason in the world to have kids.  Really, they might emulate some of your traits, look vaguely like you and all that, but if you raise them in any sort of normal patter they will become their own people, and will do it from the get-go.

Entirely true. I'd like to hope I'd never hinder my kid's personality, and even if I started to I'm pretty sure Ben would logic-slap me back out of it.

@Ratched, I absolutely can't. Can't get my head around it, at all. Pregnancy doesn't freak me out like some other guys I've heard of, I think the idea of it's pretty intriguing and amazing, I just can't get my mind around the me=possible pregnancy. I'm still obsessive about using condoms, because I'm not delusional, but bah...it's just weird.