Ben Franklin once suggested that not telling everything is not the same as lying.

The point is, you don't need to tell people everything about you. Just what they need to know. Your gender problem isn't any of their concern or business. If they knew, they couldn't and wouldn't help you. If you told them it would simply be an irreleveant factoid.

So, you don't tell them. You don't try to lie and make out your some sort of big guy who laughs at poofs. You be yourself. Just limit what they need to know.

That is being completely honest, I suggest. You're not trying to get anything you don't deserve. You're not trying to achieve something you're not entitled to.

Now your appearance. You appear as is appropriate. If, for example, you decided to watch a baseball match at Yankies Stadium on the 12 September 2001, it might not have been very wise to go dressed as an Arab. Not because there is anything wrong with being an Arab. But because the reaction would have been rather predictable.

The point is ShippoFox, you're not being false, you're concentrating on the task in hand. Socialising.

I'm pretty sure, being an Arab is important to Arab people. But visiting the Yankies stadium on 12 September, 2001, the priority was to watch sport, not be an Arab.

Does this sound right to you?

Also, as for finding friends, I suggst you start with the one you already have.

I get the feeling you may be like many of us, will know a load of people, but maintain only a few close friends.

Also, friends are a bit like jumping from island to island. You need to start with one, move onto another and so on. Eventually, you'll find a few you quite like. But always retain the skills and confidence to move on, as you choose.

Well, I never ever get to wear pretty/cute clothes, so currently, appearance is not the problem. At least not in that way. I wish I could wear feminine clothing... but I don't even have my own bedroom. Nor do we have a dryer, so I can't wash stuff without someone finding out first.

I still feel like I'm being false & creating even more problems for myself. Making friends now is just... more people to tell if I am ever able to transition.  Also, I have to be careful with my mannerisms & the words I use. I just... don't see what good it would do to socialize with potentially the wrong people & I dunno how to find the right ones.

I don't really know that many people at all anymore, but I did in high school. I had a ton of minor acquaintances & a couple good friends.

The person I saw a few weeks ago was a friend from the past. I wouldn't say we are necessarily still friends, though we could reestablish friendship. I just... I dunno. He's not a bad person, but he's hard to figure out. We added each other on facebook (not a huge fan of that site, as I can't truly share how I feel on there, but it can be helpful sometimes), but I haven't really talked to him since then, a few weeks ago.

If I had friends who were supportive, they might help. I could visit them and crossdress at their place while we watch TV or play video games, or whatever else. There could be other ways they could help me too. I have actually had offers to be a roommate to accepting online friends (two different people), but I had to turn them down due to certain responsibilities. They lived a bit far away anyway.

Also, there was one friend (online) who said I could come over and stay the night, like a slumber party, but she didn't have her own place & we haven't even talked in a long while. Actually, we weren't really close friends anyway, but I'm pretty sure the offer was "hypothetically genuine"... like, she would have been okay with it if we lived anywhere near each other & if she actually had her own place.

Sooo.... if I could meet the right people. there's a chance they would/could help me out, at least in some way. But like I said before.... it's not like I have the first clue of how to do that. I never even know what to talk about with people half the time. I don't know where to meet good people. *sigh*

Thank you for the clarifications ShippoFox.

I know this has been said before on these pages, but I could have written that last post for myself at one time.

I'm sorry my little pet, but it's about you managing your priorities. As much as it might seem to be desirable to you, I can't tell you what they should be, simply because I honestly don't know.

In my case, I just accepted that I would live an isolated life style. I filled my time with learning and thinking. I sought out environments where I could meet people for periods of time, then return to my own life. It's sounds very lonely, but since I opted for it, it became natural.

Your intention/need to transision, is another matter.

I couldn't because the opportunities simply didn't arise. It may sound illogical to those who have succeeded, but the reality is that life is a lot more complicated than can be described by a single guidance. That is why I can't advise you in that either. Because it depends upon the environment where you live and how confident you are in relation to it.

My own transison is a utter failure. That hardly qualifies me to advise you. I can and will advise you on how to deal with yourself mentally and emotionally. But I don't have the information on your environment to say anything constructive, and neither does anyone else.

We're all treading new ground here ShippoFox. We have new opportunities, the world has moved on. In some areas, the opportunities are greater than in others. Many have take the bold and couragious step of being themselves, throwing off the fakery and pretentions, necesary to maintain fake. You and I support and admire many of these people here.

Increasingly, young children, encouraged by parents are standing up and telling the world, who they are. Many are having to deal with enormous problems, you and I know that they would be dealing with those problems regardless, but these brave children can't know that.

All I can say is that the world will get better. Those who have pursued their needs over the demands of society to conform, have and are making a real difference. A difference which the children of those brave little kids today, will enjoy.

I so wish I had been a brave child. I so wish I had been braver as a young adult. I wish I were brave today.

But like you, I am truely grateful that I share the world with those who are brave.

ShippoFox.

I want you to know, I do admire you. You are facing up to your own realities. Even if you are not aware of it yet, you have taken a very big and brave step.

Don't give up hope love.

Quote from: spacial on May 26, 2011, 05:50:06 AMMy own transison is a utter failure. That hardly qualifies me to advise you. I can and will advise you on how to deal with yourself mentally and emotionally. But I don't have the information on your environment to say anything constructive, and neither does anyone else.

I still feel like it's going to turn out that way for me too. I have a bad feeling something will screw it up for me. No one will support me, some unknown health issue will appear, I won't be able to afford transition (a very serious problem), etc.... who knows? Any disaster could happen.

I am slowly reaching a breaking point. I am doing my best to repress/suppress/ignore my feelings about my body and gender role, but I don't know how long I can keep it up. I don't know what I'll do when I just can't stand it anymore. I don't believe I could intentionally hurt myself nor anyone else in any significant way, despite the feelings that go through my mind, like intense jealousy. I'm just not really a violent person. I wish I were not so jealous though.

Anyway, I know I could screw up somehow. I might spontaneously confess to the wrong person at the worst time. I might suddenly crossdress and flip out yelling at the first family member to say something.  I dunno what other stupid thing I could do. I'm sure there are a million dumb possibilities that aren't even in my thoughts at the moment.

I want to get some sort of control over my situation before I get to a point where I just can't deal with it, but it seems so hard, especially with so many seemingly impossible obstacles in the way.

I like to hope that somehow things won't be as bad as my pessimism makes it seem. I think that's what's kept me going so far. Despite all the doom-like thoughts, there's the hope that somehow things could work out, even if the odds are against me. I don't know how things could work out though.

The minimum I want is the freedom to be myself at home. At the very least, it could get rid of the possibility of a stress/depression breaking point. I would get a major relief of stress and much comfort from being able to be myself at home. I may or may not be able to actually move on with starting a life though... I don't know. It would still be hard to have to be someone I don't want to be. (especially because of other stuff in my life too)

If there some info that might help you give me more advice, then feel free to ask some questions.

I am glad that maybe the world is becoming a better place. I sure hope that's true. I am very jealous of the fact that it's not happening fast enough though. I like to hope that science will speed up and prevent me from getting old & dying, but it probably won't happen. Future generations will grow up in a more accepting world where they don't have the problems we have. I mean, I am glad, but it sure isn't fair.  It's not like I'll get a new life. *sigh*

ShippoFox,

Dear girl, don't down yourself. I know it may not help but hang in their. One day you will get your own place, you will gain the confidence you will live your life. Nothing is easy but we can control our destiny. Decide what you want out of life and start planning how to get there. I sat down in the Hell of my teenage years, raped, rejected, unwanted and insulted on a daily basis. It forged Cindy into a woman who controls her destiny. I decided I needed a good education, I needed a degree so I could get a good job, I needed to learn how to survive in life, so I studied and practised my life skills.  Yes it was hard. But I escaped and left home when I was 17 to University, I followed my plan, I kept and still keep refining it.

I suggest trying to do the same. Every time there is a problem take it as an opportunity to build strength. NEVER give in. When it gets too much, we are here. We know what it is like, and we are here for you and we love you.

Hugs

Cindy

It's soooo much easier said than done though. It's hard for me to even consider going out & doing responsibilities as a guy. I somehow survived through high school, but I don't know how I did it.

If I were to apply for jobs, most places wouldn't hire me anyway. They would, according to their sexist ways, expect me to cut my hair short. Not going to happen! I could definitely use a haircut right now, but not as short as they'd demand!

There aren't many jobs around here anyway, if I even did look for one. Two people in my family are looking & not having much luck. One of them has been looking for quite a while (and yes, he has actually been actively filling out applications & going to interviews.) Also, it's complicated, but I can't sleep normal hours due to family obligations. (Not going into specifics) Plus, I'd like more privacy, but I don't wanna live all by myself anyway.

There's probably more I could say, but I don't wanna tell my entire life story on this public, search-engine-indexed board. 

ShippoFox.

That is defeatest talk. You don't need that right now.

Right now, you need to set your objectives and make your plans. You get yourself sorted socially, since this issue is causing you a lot of concern right now. Your objective to deal with your gender issue is ongoing. Not on hold. Just taking a little longer.

But.... it feels like the wrong order. My social issues are definitely bothering me a bit, but my gender issues are bothering me 100x more. And though I may try,  I can't change how I feel, despite whether I talk like a pessimist or an optimist. 

Know the feeling well.

Whatever you decide to do, know that we are here to listen.

And always will be little pet.

I'm worried that there's just no hope.... I don't want that to be the case. Jealousy is  eating me up inside. I get urges out of frustration to just cry, scream, fall over on the floor, break something, etc... but I suppress those urges because I know it won't fix anything to do that stuff. I really think my transgender feelings are too strong for me to be able to handle school/work (especially both at the same time, which would probably end up being necessary to pay for expenses). I can't do school/work anyway because of family obligations. I don't even know what the heck I'd go to school for anyway.   

I can barely handle leaving the house for a day. I only can because it's not some sort of responsibility or obligation. A job would be so much different than going out to eat somewhere or seeing a movie. Fun/food combined with anxiety and jealousy is tolerable. The stress & responsibility of work combined with extreme anxiety and jealousy.... pure torture. 

QuoteI can barely handle leaving the house for a day. I only can because it's not some sort of responsibility or obligation. A job would be so much different than going out to eat somewhere or seeing a movie. Fun/food combined with anxiety and jealousy is tolerable. The stress & responsibility of work combined with extreme anxiety and jealousy.... pure torture.

I know the feeling.
But you have to use your imagination to see what the positive outcomes of having a job would be.
I hate my job so much. It leaves me exhausted and having to smile to everyone everyday only leaves me depressed. But I think about what I can do with it after. With the money, I could get a psych, or clothes that would fit me. I could move into a single bedroom apartment, or move in with friends. I image how good I would feel after doing all that.
Your imagination is stronger than your will.
Don't force yourself to do anything, but if you're feeling socially anxious, or nihilistic, just take some time to think. Go to your room, your bathroom, wherever you can be alone for 5-10 minutes, and imagine another you standing in front of you, that is your authentic self- your goal. Look at the way they speak, walk and talk, and "step" into them, and feel how great it feels to be you. Don't focus on anyone else- this is you. You can use this self to motivate yourself into doing what you want and focusing on how to get there instead of biding your time. Think, "What would Shippo do?"

Sorry if this sounded patronising, this is how I cope, and it works pretty well.
"Change your life in 7 days" by Paul McKenna is where I learnt to do this. It's a good book, if you are interested in that kinda thing.

Best of Luck.

Heard good things about that book.

QuoteHeard good things about that book.

I would recommended it. It's nothing new or revolutionary, but it puts down in very simple terms how you can find out exactly what you want from life, and it made me really think about who I want to be and how I can get there.

The only thing I would say about all of his books is that you probably shouldn't buy more than one, (as in buying different ones from his series) as the techniques are pretty much the same in all of them, the only difference is that they're directed at specific areas in your lifestyle. The "Change your Life in Seven Days" is pretty much a generalized version of all of those squished together.

I don't wanna read a boring self help book. No offense.  I do wish I would read more, but I don't think I'd enjoy that too much. I'd have a hard time forcing myself to read it, even if it is good. I mean, yeah, it's probably a good book... but I'll probably pass. Someone told me to download some self-help ebook one time, and I did, but then I never really looked at it much. Thank you for the recommendation though.

I honestly can not think about getting a job or school at the moment. I'm not lying when I say I don't believe I can handle it. I need to be in a position where I feel like I can do it, or feel like an attempt would actually not be futile.

I 100% NEED to lower my stress level at least a considerable bit before I could consider work/school. I have too much on my mind bringing me down. I'm not lying.  The main way to do that would be to tell my family I'm transgender, one at a time. Then, I can crossdress at home. Sadly.... I don't think I can consider transition right now, but I need to feel a bit better somehow. Then I can make further plans from there, whatever they may be (hopefully eventual transition, someway, somehow, eventually, before too long). One step at a time, right? I don't want to overwhelm myself. Jealousy, depression, stress, anxiety, anger, fear, loneliness.... I can't intensify any of that any more until I deal with something first.

My old plan was to tell my family, starting with my mom, in April. I made that plan sometime late last year or early this year. Obviously, that didn't happen. My new plan is sometime in July. I just don't know how to find the right time (preferably when I am with my mom and no one else is around) and I don't know how to prepare for whatever reaction I get. And I don't quite know how to say it.

There are moments when I feel like "I think I could tell her right now.... if only she were actually here." Since I do not live with her, it's kinda difficult to pick a good time. She is often stressed out from work too. She is open minded, but has a bit of a temper. And there's just so much to say. I do see her almost every day, but there are always others around. As annoying as it will be to tell a bunch of people one at a time (I hate to think of explaining it over and over again), if I told too many people at one time, they might start "ganging up on me" with discouraging words.

They mostly all know I have one night gown (except my dad), and they never really bother me about it much. They questioned me about it when they found it & knew it was mine, but I didn't say anything at the time. I just hid any didn't answer their questions. They dropped the subject. Right now, it kinda needs washed & I don't even have the privacy to wear it. I also worry that they think it's simply just a fetish or something. I could just wear it sometime, but it doesn't smell good.... plus actually being caught wearing it would be a lot worse than them just knowing I have it.

I am thinking of giving my mom a letter personally and then talking to her about what it says. I am just not sure how to say everything or in what order to say it. Explaining my confusing sexuality will be difficult, I know that. I'm not really bi, not really gay, and not really straight... I am sorta interested in guys romantically, more interested in girls, but somewhat asexual... basically "extremely confused" explains it. Telling my grandparents would be next after my mom, and that won't be easy... one can barely see and one can barely hear.

So.... uhm... any tips for this plan or ways to make it easier? Anyone have any good answers for tough questions I may get? Is there something I haven't even considered?

Quote from: ShippoFox on June 28, 2011, 07:57:55 PM

So.... uhm... any tips for this plan or ways to make it easier? Anyone have any good answers for tough questions I may get? Is there something I haven't even considered?

Nope. In your current situation, you really just need to bite the bullet. Your current situation can't continue much longer, for your sake.

Shippo

We can advise till the cows come home. But at some point in time you need to make a decision. There is only one person who can make that decision. You.
If you want to spend your time in a soiled nightie fine. Why not wash it, it is not rocket science to wash your clothes.

Write down what you want to say and  say it.

Shippo, there is NEVER a right time, to tell anyone anything. And eventually you run out of time.

How many people wish they had told their friend, partner, child, relative that they loved them. And their partner etc  died.

What do you gain and what do you loose?

Cindy

I'm saying I don't wanna wear it because it needs cleaned & there's too much risk of being suddenly caught. I can't wash it myself because I would easily be discovered doing so (we don't have a dryer). If I told my family, then I should be able to finally get it washed. (and... buy new cute stuff too!)

I think it's probably true that there is never a perfect time. I need to just pick a semi-decent time and just tell her. Maybe have some others online review the note/letter before I show it to her.