Why can't I make this go away? When I came out to my wife and closest friends years ago, my entire life nearly came to an end. I purged everything I had, cut off 2 feet of hair, and thought I had freed myself of this feeling I was born in the wrong body.  In the past year Lana has resurfaced and stronger than ever. I understand my situation a lot more now and have a few friends who support me but now I have a young daughter that means the world to me.  I also know there are legal precedences now to support us with child custody cases but I also know my wife's family and they would make it very difficult for me. I purged my stuff again and for several weeks now I haven't even had the urge to dress, haven't been envious of GG's, haven't even looked at women's clothes. But, I feel her creeping back in. I have tried to think of ways to compromise my desire to under-dress but I don't think my wife would be too keen about anything even hinting about what I'm really feeling. I survived the 50% Rule, I turn 38 on the 5th. I can't help but wonder when the next 45% do it... I know if something to curb the testosterone at an early age isn't done, the older we get the more difficult and more expensive it is for us to pass. Add onto that the fact that I am around 6' 3" in flats and would love a couple pairs of heels and my chances of passing which is very important to me become slim to none. I took out my small (mens approved) hoops when I purged this time and just cut my hair again in an effort to discourage wanting to "play". In my mind I'm TG not CD or TV and if I had my way I'd wake up tomorrow as a woman but when I purged this time I thought I could put Lana away...I could never find the money to transition even if the "fit hit the shan"* and suddenly found myself divorced anyway. But I'm rambling. Any ideas ladies?    Hugs, Lana B.

Why is your wife so opposed to you?

Well the fact that you signed your post Lana says a lot to me.  A. You didn't purge Lana and B. You can't purge her any more than I can purge Julie.  Fact is, it's who you are.  Unfortunately, I do not have any good advice about how you can deal with it since I have not figured it out for myself yet.  I know you'll get lots of good advice from the other ladies though.

Julie

@ spacial- first of all, I love the MTF wannabe. second, she was cool with it the night I told her but the next night she had a meltdown saying she didnt want to worry about who she was coming home to. At that point, I was so heartbroken and I didn't understand my condition enough at that time to try to explain that I could have dress-up time. Third, I'm the size she USED to be and I think that maybe bothered her too.

@ Julie- well, she IS weaseling her way back in and signing it as John doesn't really have a purpose here does it?    And I guess if the urge strikes again to go buy some "underlies" then I guess I will just have to find a good hiding spot for them. Thank you for the kind words. Hugs, Lana B.

You are entirely correct-our gender issues do not just slip away. They bide their time and then WHAM-catch us unaware from behind and then throw us to the floor. I have tried so many times to make it go away or at least get to where I could ignore it to no avail. I wear womens underwear daily and rarely do I put on anything underneath that was made for males.

Your situation with you wife sounds similar to mine. She will be ok with it one day then the next she is freaking out. I try to just take one day at a time and even that approach doesn't cut it sometimes. I want to keep our family together but wonder if will be possible in the long term.

Good Luck,
Randi

Lana, Thanks for the PMs-they have done a world of good for me. It's good to have someone to talk to when I am down. I have struggled today and thoughts of suicide have been there too so I know a trip to the therapist is needed very soon. I have been in a very dark place-the same place I left over a year ago when I began diy HRT. I did this because my doctor would not help me at all and I wanted to see what my reaction to the meds would be. Sure enough my dysphoria disappeared and I could think again confirming to me that I am truly trans. I have accepted it and am trying to keep my family together as a unit but have my doubts that this will be the case-we will see. The conversation I had with my wife this morning was not good for me and we will have it again this evening.

I don't blame my wife for any of this. She wants to be with a man and now feels disgusted by the thought of my wanting to be female. If she says that to me again I may shut her off then and not speak with her anymore about it outside of the therapists or lawyers offices.

Randi

If you are like many being femme is not merely a desire. It is needed in order to feel like a complete person. A need that seems to become more dominant with age. By the way, purging is not an option. It's too expensive and we know you will need to replace all of your things again. When I look at my wardrobe and ask myself "Why?", I realize I need more new things.

LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR YOU. You came into this world alone and you will leave it alone. It may hurt and be a long and difficult process, but I guarantee when it is over you will be more happy you did than not. Start with baby steps, find ways to make it easier for YOU to sleep at night. What you feel is right for your body is nobody elses business to care. If your family cant love you this way then I know its hard to believe than they just do not love YOU! The real you. It just pisses me off when people can't be themselves and for what? At the expense of others satisfaction. Excuse me but f**k that. You need to help the world stop abusing trans people by standing up for yourself. I'm not mad at you I'm mad that you have to make a decision that will ruin your life when it should be the decision that makes your life better.