I am more like my Mom than my siblings and have always considered us as being 'close'. She is now 75 years old and 20 years older than me. She grew up in the old south and had a difficult childhood and by the way is considered to be a beautiful woman.

I had been planning to come out to her this weekend but a comment she made the other day changed my mind about sharing it with her. We were talking about politics and who we would like to see in the White House the next term. She looked at me and said that she could not ever vote for someone who supported Gay rights and giving them legal status. I assume that she could see my face turn red and looked at me like-??well-what?? I just said "But Mom, they are people too and deserve to be treated with respect". She couldn't deal with it and simply turned away and the topic died without further comment.

I don't think that telling her or my father would do any good and will not go there. My baby sister knows and is good with it-or at least she says so. My older brother knows but is schizophrenic and not many of us take him seriously. To say the least I am a bit disappointed.

Randi

Big hug! Sorry, hon, but on the plus side you saved yourself from making a mistake. My Dad is gone, my Mom is 81 and in Florida. I have no intention of telling her that I crossdress. It wouldn't help anything. Hugs again, Tracey

Quote from: Randi on July 06, 2011, 06:52:27 PM
I am more like my Mom than my siblings and have always considered us as being 'close'. She is now 75 years old and 20 years older than me. She grew up in the old south and had a difficult childhood and by the way is considered to be a beautiful woman.

I had been planning to come out to her this weekend but a comment she made the other day changed my mind about sharing it with her. We were talking about politics and who we would like to see in the White House the next term. She looked at me and said that she could not ever vote for someone who supported Gay rights and giving them legal status. I assume that she could see my face turn red and looked at me like-??well-what??

Big hugs, Randi, but also a bit of a story.  My parents were like that, too.  Big-R Republicans.  Listen to Fox News constantly, Shout Radio also (Rush Humbug, Bill Oh Really, et al).  Nearly SPIT the word "Liberal", and apply it to all who disagree with them.

HOWEVER... the surprising thing is what people do when something they've expounded on affects someone near and dear to them, a family member.  SOMETIMES (not always) they can surprise you.  I terribly feared coming out to my parents.  I assumed they would write me off, disown me.  Everything about them seemed to confirm it.  When I figured it was time (I had been officially diagnosed, my wife and I were separating, etc...) I called one of my younger sisters first, and because she was already familiar with GID (her husband is a doctor, who had treated trans patients in a former practice, and she is a nurse), she was immediately understanding, empathetic, supportive.  I asked her to be my advocate in the family, and she accepted that challenge.  When I said I planned to come out to the rest of the family by email, because I just couldn't make that call to my parents, she offered to call them for me, and she did.  Their first response was an email, with the subject "Love" (see my blog, "Believe in the Rainbow", here at Susan's, for more details on that).  Anyway, they did NOT disown me.  And in April, when I went to visit them prior to going full-time, my mother took the lead for acceptance, and I had some wonderful mother-daughter moments with her, and I got to spend a day and a half with her and my father as myself.

Fast-forward to recently.  I sent a long and detailed email to my whole family, letting them know where I'm at, that surgery is definitely something I want, and laying out the whole story (including my suicide attempt in the early 80's).  I wanted them all to understand why I was the way I was when we were young.

My mother responded to that as follows (remember, she is very conservative, Republican, religious, etc.):

QuoteDear Colleen,

Thank you for the very informative e-mail.    I want to apologize for the times I failed to understand your problem.  After watching a few of the shows on this subject recently, I can see that it is not a chosen state.  I suppose it would have been easier to get used to when you were younger, but who knew.  Being aware of such possibilities would make a big difference.   I told my doctor of your trial when I had an appointment in January.  His answer was "I never heard of such a thing."    Thank God it wasn't thalamide.  (sp.),

Have your counselors  ever asked of drugs I might have taken during my pregnancy with you?   I'm not searching for an excuse, but I think if they're  doing research it might be worth mentioning that my ob/gyn put me on a form of dexedrene from Oct. to Jan of that time.  We moved in Jan and my    new physician took me off of it.  I must say  that I knew you were troubled in some way but I didn't know why.  I am thankful to Sue for her helping you to get through as much as you did and as you said, having the kids helped to mask it for a time.  Just know as I told you before, I could never stop loving you.  I wish we had known earlier so that we may have given you some comfort (if that would have been possible. )  As I have grown older, I have come to see more of what is meant by unconditional love and have tried to practice it, with everyone.    I think it helps me love more.

Anyway, sometimes people will surprise you.  The apparent hate they show when the issue is "out there", affecting people they don't know, may simply be ignorance, coupled with the fact that they have no conflicts because they're not aware of it affecting someone they love.  When it's someone they LOVE, who is RIGHT THERE, they just MIGHT react differently.  Not saying they WILL, but they sometimes do.  Mine did.  The love of a mother for her child is a very special thing.  Just a different perspective.

Thanks Colleen, I would like to think that might be the case for me and my mom.

Quote from: Randi on July 06, 2011, 06:52:27 PM
I am more like my Mom than my siblings and have always considered us as being 'close'. She is now 75 years old and 20 years older than me. She grew up in the old south and had a difficult childhood and by the way is considered to be a beautiful woman.

I had been planning to come out to her this weekend but a comment she made the other day changed my mind about sharing it with her. We were talking about politics and who we would like to see in the White House the next term. She looked at me and said that she could not ever vote for someone who supported Gay rights and giving them legal status. I assume that she could see my face turn red and looked at me like-??well-what?? I just said "But Mom, they are people too and deserve to be treated with respect". She couldn't deal with it and simply turned away and the topic died without further comment.

I don't think that telling her or my father would do any good and will not go there. My baby sister knows and is good with it-or at least she says so. My older brother knows but is schizophrenic and not many of us take him seriously. To say the least I am a bit disappointed.

Randi

Randi, I was in your exact situation, south older mother, etc..... Know the story all to well. I waited until my mother passed away & my father also long ago. I needed a change in high school, all my life really but waited for my parents sake.  Now in mid 50's I missed most of a pretty pink life as a normal woman. If you need to change try not to wait any longer. It only gets harded the longer we wait.

Quote from: Colleen Ireland on July 06, 2011, 09:07:33 PM
Big hugs, Randi, but also a bit of a story.  My parents were like that, too.  Big-R Republicans.  Listen to Fox News constantly, Shout Radio also (Rush Humbug, Bill Oh Really, et al).  Nearly SPIT the word "Liberal", and apply it to all who disagree with them.

HOWEVER... the surprising thing is what people do when something they've expounded on affects someone near and dear to them, a family member.  SOMETIMES (not always) they can surprise you.  I terribly feared coming out to my parents.  I assumed they would write me off, disown me.  Everything about them seemed to confirm it.  When I figured it was time (I had been officially diagnosed, my wife and I were separating, etc...) I called one of my younger sisters first, and because she was already familiar with GID (her husband is a doctor, who had treated trans patients in a former practice, and she is a nurse), she was immediately understanding, empathetic, supportive.  I asked her to be my advocate in the family, and she accepted that challenge.  When I said I planned to come out to the rest of the family by email, because I just couldn't make that call to my parents, she offered to call them for me, and she did.  Their first response was an email, with the subject "Love" (see my blog, "Believe in the Rainbow", here at Susan's, for more details on that).  Anyway, they did NOT disown me.  And in April, when I went to visit them prior to going full-time, my mother took the lead for acceptance, and I had some wonderful mother-daughter moments with her, and I got to spend a day and a half with her and my father as myself.

Fast-forward to recently.  I sent a long and detailed email to my whole family, letting them know where I'm at, that surgery is definitely something I want, and laying out the whole story (including my suicide attempt in the early 80's).  I wanted them all to understand why I was the way I was when we were young.

My mother responded to that as follows (remember, she is very conservative, Republican, religious, etc.):
Anyway, sometimes people will surprise you.  The apparent hate they show when the issue is "out there", affecting people they don't know, may simply be ignorance, coupled with the fact that they have no conflicts because they're not aware of it affecting someone they love.  When it's someone they LOVE, who is RIGHT THERE, they just MIGHT react differently.  Not saying they WILL, but they sometimes do.  Mine did.  The love of a mother for her child is a very special thing.  Just a different perspective.

Colleen, thank you so very much for posting this. My parents are identical and are huge anti-LGBT activists. They even stop buying from stores that support LGBT. I can only hope that my parents will be the same when it's time for me to tell them. I do have a sibling on my side as is, and maybe I can ask them for help.

Just be aware that happy endings are NOT guaranteed, but if you know your parents love you, or you even suspect it, take heart.  It may not be as bad as it seems.  The mantra is, "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst."  Ultimately, you don't have a choice in the matter, unless you can somehow cope with disphoria, or put yourself into denial.  I couldn't.

Quote from: Colleen Ireland on July 07, 2011, 04:47:50 AM
Just be aware that happy endings are NOT guaranteed, but if you know your parents love you, or you even suspect it, take heart.  It may not be as bad as it seems.  The mantra is, "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst."  Ultimately, you don't have a choice in the matter, unless you can somehow cope with disphoria, or put yourself into denial.  I couldn't.

It seems far too common to "give advice" rather than give hope. Sometimes just having someone there to be sympathetic and giving hope is sufficient enough. We all have tough times, and believe me I well understand preparing for the worst. Actually, I'm pretty sure I wrote the book on expecting for the worst because for the life of me I cannot find one moment in my life that has not had a not-so-successful outcome. But I digress, just having someone there to shed a ray of hope is what I think a lot of us need the most.

People may not like me? Well, I've had plenty of people fade away from me because of the dysphoria. People I start to get attached to begin to understand me more, get scared, and disappear. Hell, those that don't even know me think there's something wrong. I'm just now starting to realize that no amount of "being macho" has changed a thing. I'm still me.

I can always expect for the worst. But for now, I need hope. It's all that I've got. No therapist, and no family or friends except for across the globe. And, the inability to be myself entirely unless I want to lose job and home.

I don't know when I'll come out to my family. It might be sooner than later. But just hoping that they'll be accepting is enough encouragement for me to stay clear of serious depression which is already difficult enough.

You're absolutely right about no choice in the matter. And, I think I'm in the same boat. I'm not going to be able to cope with it or go into denial. Especially since it's already so obvious even with me "hiding."   

Thanks again, Colleen!