Because of my intelligence, naysayers aren't usually brave enough to say anything negative to my face (unless they're someone with a PhD or such, and then they think they can be a boss hog just because they've studied religiously-influenced textbooks from 1974...), but with that comes the fact that I really don't have any friends or family in my life. I'm too smart and realistic to manage to hold friendships with psuedo-intelligent folks who are all caught up in operating in dream rainbowland, and yet I'm too ugly and unfashionable to win the attention of the pretentious douches that I personality-wise actually get along with a lot better. I'm the worst of both worlds in the worst social position someone could have (no family, no friends, ect ect) and my health is failing rapidly so it's all like meh. I literally have no where to turn, and it doesn't matter that I'm one of the hardest working and most honest people I've ever met or heard of in my life.
So I've turned to alcoholism, which quite frankly is fun while you're drunk but horrible emotionally when it all comes down; I can have a grand old time just by myself when I'm drunk, but all day today, I just would have given anything to have had the bravery to take care of a few loose ends of my life (destroying computer and phone files, ect ect) and slit my throat for good. I've literally lost every single thing I've ever worked for in my life because of my health, and I've said before that I really am quite accomplished otherwise. I've never lost an ounce of pride in the things I've done or created in my life, but the physical side of my life is just taking it's toll; I don't even have a therapist or loved one to talk to about these things, and most medical professionals are conspiring against me literally because of the trans and male status; I've managed to afford one more appointment with my doctor tomorrow and if he denies an Acro test again, I'm giving him the boot.
However, I can give someone boots or high heels or sandals or whatever kind of kick up the rump I want to and it still doesn't solve anything. Nothing stops the days from passing, and with my health, that's what's destroying me most, is time. I just wish I was born a heck of a ton healthier, a lot prettier, and I wish that for once I had any sort of family or friend that could extend their arms to me in times of trouble; I've never once had that - I've never even had so much as a roommate, I've always had to do everything on my own, and it's incredibly expensive and most of the time downright impossible, and it's why, despite how smart, hardworking, and honest I am, I can't rub two quarters together. And because I have direct physical alienation, conspiring doctors, health problems, trauma, and an extremely profound history of abuse at the hands of my 'family', I do not have the means to pick myself up. Just not there.
I mean, I'm obviously good at surviving, I'm obviously living, but it's really the lack of happiness that takes it's toll, and no amount of therapy can fix that unless you have a loved one boosting your ego the entire time.
