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Validation Of One's Transsexuality

Started by Julie Marie, February 19, 2007, 08:12:44 AM

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TheBattler

So if you do not what to drive there - how do you go the other way as fast as possible? What plan can I out in place so that in say 12 months all there feelings leave me - I am a happy Male - and I no longer need the invaluable support of this site.

Alice

PS Gee - I am ranting a lot today - I guess I am not coping  :'(. Sorry everyone - I know you are so valuable to me at this point in time. coming out of denile is just so hard.
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Melissa

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Melissa-kitty

sometimes, Alice, it is good to just let feelings, urges, etc, just rest. Let it be for a while. Take quiet time. Let the desperation pass. It becomes clearer. You are calmer. No hurry today, friend. Sit. Have some tea. Do something relaxing. Be good to yourself. No self-flogging for you today. Just let it be for a while.
Blessings, Tara
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Steph

I have to ask why is there a need for validation?  It's as if folks are waiting for someone to tell them that hey you're TS, it ain't going to happen.

It's like the young girl asking her mom "How will I know I'm in love?" and more often than not mom will say "When you have this uncontrollable urge/feeling inside to be with this person, and your heart will ache during those times you are separated, and soar when you are together".

Steph
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Melissa

Quote from: Steph on February 20, 2007, 06:12:36 PM
It's like the young girl asking her mom "How will I know I'm in love?" and more often than not mom will say "When you have this uncontrollable urge/feeling inside to be with this person, and your heart will ache during those times you are separated, and soar when you are together".


That's more definitive than the answer I was given.  I was told "you'll just know when you meet the right person".  Well, I knew (or felt I did) when I met my wife, but now we're getting divorced.  It's just not that simple.  It really is a leap of faith.

Melissa
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Steph

Quote from: Melissa on February 20, 2007, 06:21:59 PM
Quote from: Steph on February 20, 2007, 06:12:36 PM
It's like the young girl asking her mom "How will I know I'm in love?" and more often than not mom will say "When you have this uncontrollable urge/feeling inside to be with this person, and your heart will ache during those times you are separated, and soar when you are together".


That's more definitive than the answer I was given.  I was told "you'll just know when you meet the right person".  Well, I knew (or felt I did) when I met my wife, but now we're getting divorced.  It's just not that simple.  It really is a leap of faith.

Melissa

But then as you said "felt I did", I would have to say that may be she wasn't the right one MEW.  But I'm veering off topic.

Steph
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TheBattler

OK- I know I am not coping today. Just had a big rant to my boss that the whole office heard.

Quote from: Steph on February 20, 2007, 06:12:36 PM
I have to ask why is there a need for validation?  It's as if folks are waiting for someone to tell them that hey you're TS, it ain't going to happen.

It's like the young girl asking her mom "How will I know I'm in love?" and more often than not mom will say "When you have this uncontrollable urge/feeling inside to be with this person, and your heart will ache during those times you are separated, and soar when you are together".

Steph


Because I am not changing without some more validation. If no one is going to say I am TS I will have to wait for my next breakdown which feels as if it it very close now.

:'(

Alice
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Steph

Quote from: Alice on February 20, 2007, 06:50:40 PM
OK- I know I am not coping today. Just had a big rant to my boss that the whole office heard.

Quote from: Steph on February 20, 2007, 06:12:36 PM
I have to ask why is there a need for validation?  It's as if folks are waiting for someone to tell them that hey you're TS, it ain't going to happen.

It's like the young girl asking her mom "How will I know I'm in love?" and more often than not mom will say "When you have this uncontrollable urge/feeling inside to be with this person, and your heart will ache during those times you are separated, and soar when you are together".

Steph


Because I am not changing without some more validation. If no one is going to say I am TS I will have to wait for my next breakdown which feels as if it it very close now.

:'(

Alice

Alice you can't change to become TS you either are or you're not.

Steph
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Kimberly

Quote from: Melissa on February 20, 2007, 04:53:21 PM
Quote from: Kimberly on February 20, 2007, 04:40:08 PM
Quote from: Melissa on February 20, 2007, 04:26:16 PM
Death is not an easy option.
...
For me, it is.
Then why are you still alive?  It's easy to choose, but difficult to follow.

Melissa
Two people in my life mean more to me than life itself. I am alive in the first place for them. I am alive still for them.

*shrug*
I do not view life 'normally'.
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Kimberly

Quote from: Steph on February 20, 2007, 07:08:04 PM...
Alice you can't change to become TS you either are or you're not.

Steph
To expand on that:
If you are, you have been since birth.
If you are, there IS NO MALE.
If you are, you are just a girl trying her damnedest to cope in a situation the majority feels does not exist.
If you are, there is no running away from the hurt because you cannot run away from yourself.

Just sand in the wind.
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Julie Marie

Quote from: Cindi Jones on February 19, 2007, 07:12:06 PM
Julie....


               S  T  A  M  P

There's your official stamp of validation. ;)

You're doing fine.

Cindi

Thanks Cindi!
When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself.
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Kate

Quote from: Nikki_W on February 20, 2007, 04:22:15 PM
That doesn't make it an isolated decision just one that with time you value more compared to the alternatives.

Not exactly. I'm suggesting that there comes a point where "alternatives" don't exist anymore. The context of the situation changes, and it's no longer a value choice amoungst options, it's the only path you can see anymore - aside from simply checking out of course.

It's not an easy thing to face. We say "No, I'll never do it, there's too much to lose."

But there's a silent "and yet..." lurking, waiting to ruin everything.

Your wife sits down in front of you, takes your hands in hers, and asks, "Can you tell me you'll NEVER transition?"

Panic. Look for an escape. Temptation to lie or deceive. She holds on tight.

"Say it. Tell me you've given up any hope of EVER transitioning. Tell me your dream is DEAD. Tell me you'll NEVER, EVER be a girl."

Look down at floor. Silence.

"That's what I thought."

Tears from both.

Kate
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Elizabeth

Hey everyone,

Where are all the psuedo-transsexuals? There must be a lot of them since there is this ridiculous series of hoops we have to jump through to transition. Did you know that 1 in 200 gastric bypass patients will die from complications of the surgery? Yes, no psychological evalution is needed to have this surgery. In fact one can have virtually any kind of plastic, silocone, or saline implant one wants. In the nose, cheeks, chest, buttocks, breasts, hips, calves one can have implants or liposuction and one need not be psychologically evaluated. There are significant complications that arise and the results can be disfiguring and life threatening, yet no psychological test is needed to get these surgerys.

The reason for validation of our transsexualty, is simple. It's required. We must somehow convince a whole bunch of people, who can't imagine what it is like, that our minds do not match our bodies. Why? Why is it that no other major body altering surgery requires the approval of others? Again, where are all these alledged psuedo-transsexuals. I hear vague reference to them, but have yet to meet one. I mean, for all the money, time and resources dedicated to making sure no one makes the wrong decision, you would think this is a very common problem, yet other than hearing that someone once knew of someone that regretted transition, I personally do not know one.

I see other transsexuals telling people they may not be transsexual because they exhibit this behavior or they don't exhibit that behavior, but still I have not met anyone that has said, "you know what?, I made a mistake, I really don't want to be a girl after all".

I have read a lot of articles by a lot of so called psychologists over the years and the only thing that seems clear is that, based on their track record, they are probably wrong in their thinking about GID. A lot of them are clueless people putting forward theories based either created data, or no data at all, just best guesses. I have read theories that all transsexuals are really homosexuals who are too embarrassed to admit they are gay and becoming a woman is the only way they can live thier dream of being with a man. I have read that one can only be attracted to same biological sex to be transsexual. I have read that "true" transsexuals don't have a sex drive at all. I have read that "true" transsexuals don't have sex with opposite biological sex partners.  I have read that fetishism is a contraindiction of transsexuality, yet the DSM-V will probably eliminate paraphallia's as as mental disorder, and have already changed their diagnosis criteria where a person can only be diagnosed if these behaviors interfere with thier lives.

Now, I figured out I was transsexual sometime around my 10th birthday.  I was not a sexual person yet and had not even learned to masturbate. Still somehow, I remember being quite sure was born into the wrong body. I lived in a small town in Wyoming at the time. SRS had not come to the US yet. Crossdressing had only recently become legal through a Supreme Court ruling. Abortion was still illegal. This transsexuality thing looked to me to be a serious long shot. There were just not many people afflicted with it. For all intents and purposes, I was alone in the world. There was no chance I could ever become a girl. The few transsexuals I seen on TV were all freaks. Because of this, there was just no way I could ever really consider transitioning. I came from poor coal miners. My parents both had 9th grade educations and no accumulated wealth.

Just like all the transsexuals that came before me, my only recourse was to stay in the closet and maybe someday find a way to transition my life in stealth. You see, before surgery, and when crossdressing was illegal, transsexuals would secretly live as the opposite sex. The deal is though, one had to be 100% passable to live and work as the opposite sex without getting caught.

Also there is this crazy notion that all transsexuals transition. In fact, most transsexuals do not transition. Now those who do transition will say that those who do not, must not be "true" transsexuals, but that is simply not true. The truth is, there are a lot of transsexuals out that can not transition for a whole variety of reasons. This does not mean they are not transsexuals. In fact I have never heard anyone but other transsexuals say that.

In the end, the criteria is simple. If you think you are a transsexual, then you are. This is not something that anyone can tell you. Either way. No one can say if anyone but themselves are transsexual. There is just no way to know how someone feels about themselves. I personally am not really interested in what anyone else thinks of it. I will jump through the hoops they tell me to, but in the end, I will make the decision to transition. If it comes down to telling them what they want to hear, so I can get what I want, I am not afraid of that either.

Love always,
Elizabeth
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cindianna_jones

Elizabeth.... you raise important points.  There was a time when it was impossible to take hormones and obtain surgery.  This has really only been an option for the last few decades. That doesn't mean that there haven't always been "transsexuals".  (gawd I hate that term)

I can only say that in my situation, where all seemed totally impossible, I had no choice but to run the line straight to transition.  When I started, I had no idea what that even was.  I thought that I would likely live my life alone, pretending to be a woman in my privacy.  I had no idea that I could live my life openly ... all the time... full time... as a woman.  Elizabeth, I know that there are many who can't get the surgery.  It is a very difficult thing to obtain for so many.

I remember a young FTM that I met somewhere along the way.  I seem to remember that it was when I lived in Salt Lake City.  This kid was working 4 jobs to earn enough money for his surgery.  He lived very frugally (it's easy when you have no time to spend money) and had enough in just a couple of years to cover all of his expenses.  He gave me great inspiration.  He knew what had to be done and he did it, no matter the cost or expense.  After meeting him, I then knew that I would be fine.  All I had to do was to go do it.

I know that Steph says often that "transsexuals will transition".  The keyword is "will".  It is an effort of strong direction.  It is a decision of focus and action.  Does this mean surgery?  Shoot, I don't know. It means that there is enough GID running around in your head that there is no other choice but to move forward.  I know your situation and it seems to me that you have done just that.

Cindi
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katia

#54
Quote from: elizabethAlso there is this crazy notion that all transsexuals transition. In fact, most transsexuals do not transition. Now those who do transition will say that those who do not, must not be "true" transsexuals, but that is simply not true. The truth is, there are a lot of transsexuals out that can not transition for a whole variety of reasons. This does not mean they are not transsexuals. In fact I have never heard anyone but other transsexuals say that.

???  i'm afraid i don't agree.  if a "transexual" [doesn't transition], it's because they [don't] suffer from [gender dysphoria]; consequently they're [not] transexual.

http://www.geocities.com/danne_32225/gender.htm

http://www.transsexual.org/whattodo.html

my own validation? [knowing] what i am and  [proving] that [i'm transexual] by doing [everything] my doctors recommend.




http://www.transsexual.org/whattodo.html
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taru

#55
There are lots of reasons why one might not transition. Here are a few:

  • Dying before starting to transition
  • Placing other people before one's own strong needs
  • Not having a chance (this is a smaller issue than e.g. 50 years ago)
  • Wrong diagnose + psych drugs
  • medical conditions making transition too dangerous (e.g. blood clotting)

I don't think transitioning proves one is transsexual.

(edit - added medical conditions as suggested by Julie Marie)
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rhonda13000

"It can be that simple"

Yours induced a thought, a parallel.

A parallel with a certain basic human characteristic that was described in a certain theological context: conceptually I suppose, the knowledge and certitude that one is TS not so difficult to ascertain,

Or it is just innate and intuitively understood and granted and that perhaps, is the tough part.

Speaking from experience, very painful experience, the problem here is that the MIND (emotional self?) hovers between a state of disbelief in that reality and truth or the denial of the same, in the context of...knowing what the implications of REALLY being TS COULD have, upon one's life.

That's the way that it was with me for a while: endless 'cycling' between denial or disbelief of that reality about myself resulting in endless processes of intellectual re-validation or 're-certification' of my intense TS.

And this got to a point where it was driving me NUTS (well, MORE nuts).

Condensed, the truth is apparent and undeniable, but it is that which is within that makes it hard to grasp and finally to accept.

Quote from: taru on February 21, 2007, 02:22:35 AM
There are lots of reasons why one might not transition. Here are a few:

  • Dying before starting to transition
  • Placing other people before one's own strong needs
  • Not having a chance (this is a smaller issue than e.g. 50 years ago)
  • Wrong diagnose + psych drugs

I don't think transitioning proves one is transsexual.

(bold)

Mis-diagnosing THIS condition in some cases of TS. like many other MEDICAL anomalies, could prove to be fatal.

This is not something to be taken lightly by the 'care' communities.
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Kate

Quote from: Katia on February 21, 2007, 01:11:16 AM
http://www.transsexual.org/whattodo.html

Pretty sound advice. The only thing that ruffles my feathers is:

QuoteSometimes the suffering transsexual is totally hopeless, without enough information or understanding, or trapped by choices and is also unable to  face suicide. The result is a massive purge and redoubled effort to conform, and the transsexual enters a stage of denial and repression that can last years...even decades... The solutions are essentially the same as for the 'Early Onset' transsexual, only later in life, and with consequently far more complications. This expression of transsexuality is sometimes referred to as 'Late Onset Transsexualism'.

This ''Late Onset Transsexualism" thing BUGS me, as even though I'm doing this at 42, in NO way did I EVER deny or repress this from ages 1-41. Throughout my entire life, I've been well aware that GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY, I would change my sex in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, I didn't understand the feasibility of my options until the internet came along and I realized what was possible. Until that point, I'd never heard of "transitioning," only "sex change," which to me meant genital surgery and throwing on a dress and being ridiculed and ostracized.

But in no way was my transsexualism "late onset." In no way was I ever in doubt, in denial, or repressing it. I simply didn't think it COULD be solved, so I tried to make the best of things within a (unsuccessfully) male life, but eternally doing so against the constant, relentless, incessant context of I NEED TO BE A GIRL. Heck, *before* I got married sixteen years ago, I TOLD my wife I NEED TO BE A GIRL... but added the qualifier BUT OF COURSE THATS IMPOSSIBLE, SO LETS MAKE THE BEST OF IT.

If I was growing up today, you can be darn sure I'd be finding a way to transition behind my parents back by age twelve or so, having access to information and resources via the internet since birth. I'm VERY resourceful, very spoiled, and very determined when it comes to getting what I want and need.

I sometimes think the younger TSs look down upon the older ones, suggesting that the reason for their delay was a lack of intensity or suffering. It's just not true, the difference is one of education, of when one learns of their options. This stuff is OUT THERE today, in your face, on talk shows, on sitcoms, in the theaters, on soaps, and on the net of course. When I was growing up, it wasn't talked about except on seedy talk shows now and then. I didn't know about hormones, I didn't know that this was actually an accepted, medical condition - I figured asking for help would just get me labelled a freak, pervert, nut-case.

Heck YES I would have transitioned as a child. But I just didn't know.

And I'll forever regret and resent that.

(tries to smooth her feathers back down...)

Kate
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passiflora

QuoteI always new I was a TS woman because my soul (brain, essence, spirit, etc) knew it was female and my body would always disagree.


tinkerbell

Same here and for me the most important part was my essence, I just always new that my inner essence was female, and was born that way, and as you say, my body would disagree, and then when I grew older and realized that magic was not going to remove the defect, I learned how to accept the body thinking it was on my side, then when puberty hit, and all the other boys bodies were doing what they were supposed to, and mine was not, doing what the other girls were doing, so then I was betrayed by my body as well, but then the real stinker was that it did'nt exactly do what the other boy bodies were doing either, so I was just sort of left in never never land.

The only valdiation that I ever wanted was that I infact was born a girl, that I did suffer from transsexualism, and not some other mental illness like MPD, or schophrenia that can sometimes make people think that they are "transsexual". I know that we can either be born male or female, and i know I was born female, a girl that was afflicted with transsexualism.

-pass-
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Melissa

Kate, I had to suppress my feeling the best I could because I didn'y think I had any options.  It took it's toll and I wish I had known about transition and what it was really about.  In some ways I regret not doing this in my teenage years, but because my body refused to masculinize very much and the way that I coped (learning a lot of new things), I don't completely regret it.

Quote from: passiflora on February 21, 2007, 10:24:18 AM
...then I was betrayed by my body as well, but then the real stinker was that it did'nt exactly do what the other boy bodies were doing either, so I was just sort of left in never never land.
Yeah, I know what you mean.  The same thing happened with me.  My body was growing much more female than male (bone and muscle-wise) until pubert hit, which changed things.  Now it's like I have some semi-masculinized female skeleton in my body and it's just weird.

Melissa
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