Quote from: A_Dresden_Doll on August 07, 2011, 11:45:45 AM
I have anxiety because I want to be more feminine, but am not. I am so masculine and male in my appearance and attitude that it is killing me.

Hello Dresden doll,

I understand very well the feeling to want to be more feminine, but... aren't we all going through this to be ourselves? If you say you are not feminine and this is really what you are, have you thought about being just that way?

Once when I was coming out to a friend, she said at some point "but you're the most logical person I know". I retorted without thinking, "and I'm proud of it." And I still am. There are masculine characteristics that I have too, but I never deny them or try to change them. Admittedly, I did lose some such characteristics on the way, but they were just somehow "lost" and I have never intentionally changed any of my (perhaps stereotypically) masculine characteristics simply because they are masculine. For example, I am good at letting reasoning override my emotions. I am also very messy and untidy! They are part of who I am, part of my upbringing. I did not put myself through transition to "change myself to a female"; I did it so that I could be myself.

Please don't take my words badly but I hope that you can consider being your own self instead of being specifically female—I think that will make you happier

PS I don't mean my words to apply to your appearance too. I don't see anything wrong with changing it to be more feminine, but to change your own inner self to be more feminine, I think that is not necessary...

Can you give HRT six or eight months?

I haven't had a lot of changes on HRT that have helped me pass but I've had a ton of changes that have made me happy and made me feel better about myself. Things that I used to worry about matter so so much less now.  Maybe stay in male mode, but start your HRT.  See where it gets you. 

It's not just for your body, it really helps your mind (mine anyway)

Good luck...

Hi Japple! I'm glad to hear you're doing okay.

HRT can be wonderful, can't it? Just give it a go, that's all you can do.

Honestly, HRT is what I am hoping will make some changes. However, most people I speak with tell me that it's not going to help me on the mental parts, on building confidence and such. They tell me that I should go out in girl mode to practice and build confidence. Kind of hard to do that when you sound a step, or two, away from Tom Waits, and your only shoes are Doc Martins in a men's 12.

No, no, I am going to give HRT a chance. Hell, it only took me 5 sessions to get the damn thing. My GT must sure see something I don't.

Thanks for all the replies, by the way. I do appreciate the support. If I can't believe in myself, it's nice that others can.

Hi five Doll, go do it :-)

As for your voice hon. You are a tall big girl and tall big girls don't have those tinie tiny girly voices for starters.
Some small girl even may have a sexy low growl. THAT'S JUST COOL.

Also what's wrong with Doc Marten?!
Go out and get 'em. At least you be save from some ugly dudes and bad bitch gals.
They'll think 5 times before giving you some lip.

No reason to take a backseat babe.

We all hold thumbs.

Hug (I'll stretch up there, heehee)
Axelle

Quote from: A_Dresden_Doll on August 07, 2011, 12:29:41 AM
I am my own worse enemy, and I've finally won out. I just don't to exist anymore. But I'm not going to kill myself, that would allow me some peace. I'll do like I've always done, and allow myself to suffer more for being a pathetic waste of minerals and water...

You seem very good at erecting all the barriers you possibly can. Until you learn how to not do that, you will be stuck. You need to start challenging those thoughts. Are they really true? Can you be honest about what really is true? Just venting to your friends isn't going to cut it; you need to give them permission to challenge what you are saying and then be willing to listen to their feedback.

Quote from: A_Dresden_Doll on August 08, 2011, 01:12:08 AM
Honestly, HRT is what I am hoping will make some changes. However, most people I speak with tell me that it's not going to help me on the mental parts, on building confidence and such. They tell me that I should go out in girl mode to practice and build confidence. Kind of hard to do that when you sound a step, or two, away from Tom Waits, and your only shoes are Doc Martins in a men's 12.

There's probably more trans-women like you out there then you realize (cis women too) - and I'm one of them.  Focus more on who you are as a person and less on what you are (a woman) and the rest will come naturally.  Tall women have big(er) chests, which means greater lung capacity which means a deeper voice (resonance being the key).  Plenty of cis-women have deeper then average voices and tower over other women (the tallest cis woman is almost 8 feet tall).  I'd prefer to think that they don't make high heels for tall women becuase we're tall enough already. 

Quote from: Renate on August 07, 2011, 06:48:12 AM
Hi Sarah. I think that you will go far.

There are some that agonize a lot and others who say, "what the heck".

Hi Renate and everyone.

Believe me Renate I do agonise a good deal and have to work very hard at being who I am.

I think being female only comes truely naturally to a GG and that I have to focus on my feminity over and above my masculinity.

Working at being who I truely think I am brings the best out of me. I can put aside my masculinity with all its angst, bravado, stress, etc and let my natural nature shine through.

I guess no one said it was going to be easy and I am only at the start of my journey the end of which will only become clearer as I plough my furrow and receive support and advice from forums like this and my Counsellors.

I really feel for Dreasden Doll because I still go through these doubts. However, I also know that I will come back to where I belong and continue my journey.

All I can say is it is important for ones own peace of mind to accept and work with the doubts or to put on hold any progress until their thoughts are focussed on where they want to be.

In the meantime they can be assured of this and other forums support what ever they decide to do.

I hope this post doesn't sound too patronising.

Love and hugzzzzzz,

Sarah   

You sound an awful lot like me in a lot of ways Doll.

I have many of the same concerns and tend to be quite a critic of myself as well.

What I've tried to take to heart is the fact that although it's been mentioned time and time again, this really is a lot more of a marathon than a sprint. If it makes you feel better even though I've been on HRT for two weeks now, I've still yet to leave my home as myself. I've done small little things that helped... wearing female jeans... painting my nails.. but outside of that haven't really done much of anything.

I'm determined to wait until I know I'm ready and comfortable doing it at my own pace, whereas before I was always hard on myself for being too stagnant. If this is something you truly want and need to do and it certainly sounds like it, I would encourage you to never give up on your dream and being yourself.... just please don't beat yourself up if it's taking a little longer than what you like. Everyone proceeds at different paces and it's not so much when you reach your destination, it's simply reaching it at all.

Hang in there!

Adding to what sarah said, it took me realizing/accepting that I was somewhere betweem a tomboy and a female jock (ok, aspiring female jock) underneath whatever was on the exterior.  Its given me the focus I was missing in my life and my transition and made me a happier more well adjusted person overall.

I want to make an update of things going on. What I wrote about how down I feel is still very true, but I have to admit, I needed the catharsis of just blurting it out to everyone on here. I am sorry, though, if I worried anyone. I was very unstable a few days ago.

Things have made some improvements, however. I made myself order some shoes online from payless. Turns out, though, that they were too big. So, I went to a local store and exchanged them. The clerk actually asked me if I wanted to try them on. I was in guy mode and I didn't indicate that they were actually for me. So, I confidently said yes and didn't act awkward or nervous at all. I even looked for another pair of shoes, and found the cutest pair of open-toed kitten heels. I even got them half off because of a recent sale. So, the world didn't end, and honestly, it would have made no difference had I been doing this presenting female, or presenting male, like I did. I might as well have done the right thing. But it did build up my confidence.

I am still having issues with voice. I am considering seeking a speech pathologist on Skype, but I would OH SO love to avoid that cost. If anyone could look in the Voice Therapy sup forum and look at my attempts and offer advice, I would greatly appreciate it.

Pre-transition, my opinion may be total BS, but I think we do place too much empahsis on how we "present", we say things like "presenting as male/female" or "dressed as myself" (or even referring to ourselves in the third person, which is a little creepy BTW), and not just on "presenting" as ourselves.  I've seen enough posts that sum up as I wore X article of clothing, went about my business and NO ONE SAID ANYTHING.

Yeah, as long as you're not dressed like a Hooters Girl, I'm not sure that most people are going to pay any attention, or care.

Quote from: A_Dresden_Doll on August 08, 2011, 01:12:08 AM
Honestly, HRT is what I am hoping will make some changes. However, most people I speak with tell me that it's not going to help me on the mental parts, on building confidence and such. They tell me that I should go out in girl mode to practice and build confidence. Kind of hard to do that when you sound a step, or two, away from Tom Waits, and your only shoes are Doc Martins in a men's 12.

No, no, I am going to give HRT a chance. Hell, it only took me 5 sessions to get the damn thing. My GT must sure see something I don't.

Thanks for all the replies, by the way. I do appreciate the support. If I can't believe in myself, it's nice that others can.

Hi.

Let me tell you where abouts I am on my journey especially from the dressing point of view as it might help you.

I am not trying to preach just to show that even someone like me is able to move forwards in their own way and at their own speed.

I have pulled together a small female wardrobe of feminine clothes. It comprises briefs, knee highs, a couple of skirts and slacks and some nice colourful tops e.g. pink and blue Vee necked T shirts.

Shoes have been the most difficult to get right and I have had to have some of my clothes tailored to suit me.

Most of these were bought off the internet or from charity shops.

I have started to dress in the evenings en-femme and I do ask my partner if it is OK.

I have a ritual that I have; a couple of shaves and if necessary shave my arms and legs. Then I get a shower and wash my hair and I put on my female clothes, shoes and make-up and just relax and be me, Sarah.

Last week I had a group counselling session at the LGBT offices and although I went in male clothing with my female undies underneath I changed there and spent the entire evening as Sarah.

Next time I am hoping to go en-femme but I do have work being done on the house which means the car is parked on the road rather than on the drive

Unfortunately I still have my doubts during the early mornings, how does the song go "the darkest hours is just before dawn"?

But as the day goes on I get more positive and feel better about myself.

I really feel for you and I know how fragile is a Dresden Doll.

When I feel particularly masculin I change my thoughts to that of what would Sarah be like?

I can feel myself relaxing and for the intensity and stress to drain away.

As for HRT? I don't really know. It is not easily come by in the UK unless you are in RLE, so I don't know what the future has to offer me.

Best wishes and lots of hugzzzzzz,

Sarah