Dear guys, I'm feeling burned out and need some help. I'm cis-female, and my partner is FTM; we've been together 13 years, and he's been on T for 7 months and had top surgery 8 months ago. He has had a hard time, and is on medical disability; lots of anxiety and depression. Even though it's the right decision, it's been really super hard on him, and therefore on me. I've been the main caregiver etc. I am very strong and supportive and not a nagger/whiner. But now I am really needing some reciprocity, even the smallest of gestures (such as him holding me in his arms). And he just can't do it; he gets angry/overwhelmed/shutdown. Is this normal at this point in a person's transition? I am having difficulty sorting out what's the transition and what's a relationship dynamic (well it's both of course but you know what I mean.). Is it unfair of me to ask for some reciprocity? How long does this inability to give back go on? I am not sure how much longer I can handle it. I feel like a basket case. I thought it was supposed to get better at some point. When does it get better for him? And therefore for me? Thanks, E.

I don't think there is any set course.   I know my own counselor said the first couple months after starting T and after surgery is the hardest.  I agreed to continue seeing her for those months.   There is alot of emotions around that time.  I have been told right after starting hormones and right after having surgery are the highest rates of sucide among transfolks.   My suggestion is some counseling -- possibly the person who wrote his letters.  My wife and I have been going to counseling for 3 months and I am just about to start hormones and have surgery --- she supports me but there is some grief and loss she is going through and it has helped me be more supportive of her realizing how much my transition also affects her.   

Their are a Caregiver's Bill of Rights you should take a look at.  At the start my partner had the same problem you are having right now.  I'm 15 months on T now and it's getting better but there are still challenges to face.  Look up "care for the caregiver" on google for a lot of information on the importance of taking care of yourself.

You Have A Right Too:
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      To take care of myself. This is not an act of selfishness. It will give me the capability of taking better care of my loved one.
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      To seek help from others even though my loved ones may object. I recognize the limits of my own endurance and strength.
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      To maintain facets of my own life that do not include the person I care for, just as I would if he or she were healthy. I know that I do everything that I reasonably can for this person, and I have the right to do some things just for myself.
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      To get angry, be depressed, and express other difficult feelings occasionally.
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      To reject any attempts by my loved one (either conscious or unconscious) to manipulate me through guilt, and /or depression.
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      To receive consideration, affection, forgiveness, and acceptance for what I do, from my loved ones, for as long as I offer these qualities in return.
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      To take pride in what I am accomplishing and to applaud the courage it has sometimes taken to meet the needs of my loved one.
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      To protect my individuality and my right to make a life for myself that will sustain me in the time when my loved one no longer needs my full-time help.
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      To expect and demand that as new strides are made in finding resources to aid physically and mentally impaired persons in our country, similar strides will be made towards aiding and supporting caregivers.

QuoteIs this normal at this point in a person's transition? I am having difficulty sorting out what's the transition and what's a relationship dynamic

It may also be difficult to tell which is transition vs which is health stuff, especially if chronic pain is involved.
Hard for us to say what's normal for somebody else.
Has he had his T levels checked?

Currently, I'm working on my relationship with my girlfriend, who broke up with me a month ago because I'd been doing what your partner is doing. I didn't even realize I was. I've been on T around 3 years now, and I think it was the assertiveness T brought me that made me feel like the way I was behaving was normal. I was constantly criticizing everyone around me, refused to allow my girlfriend (my fiancee at the time) touch me, and controlled everything around me. I made everyone around me miserable, especially my girlfriend... and the toughest part of it was that I didn't even realize it. I went from being the nicest guy on earth to a complete ->-bleeped-<- without realizing I was doing anything differently.

For me, the breakup sent the message home to me that I had become someone I wasn't. Beyond that, I watched Becoming Chaz, a documentary recently aired on OWN about Chaz Bono. He went through this same process, and almost lost his partner over it. Seeing my behavior echoed by him was that tiny nudge I still needed to revamp my life. It's been a month now, and I'm working hard to be myself again and shed the cocky, offensive behavior that had begun to characterize my personality.

I'm sure my experience isn't the exact same as your partner's, but perhaps it will help to shed light on the situation.

Thanks everybody for this great dialogue. Luc, you're an unusual and courageous man to take a hard look at your own behavior; it's so hard for any of us to do this. For example, my need to reassurance and love from my partner causes me to pursue him, and he feels attacked and withdraws, which makes me pursue even more, etc. In other words, we both play our roles. But they are NEW roles, for us, having been together 13 years. Personally, I think the T is changing not just my partner's body (which is fab in my view), but also how one does or does not communicate. It's like we have to learn all over again how to connect--but the tricky part is that I am not sure my partner 'sees' that, so it can be rather crazy-making. And I don't see much out there in terms of resources to help people figure this out (hats off to Chaz Bono for letting a documentary crew follow him around!). I am trying to stay reasonably emotionally level in the face of all this, and appreciate everyone's input, including Squirell698's bill or rights. But I am not always doing such a hot job, since it's hard to be reaching out for connection only to be rejected. He wants me to hang in there, and is scared I won't be able to take it much more, but he also seems unable to do what once seemed to come naturally to him--all the little intimacies (physical and emotional) that make the glue of a relationship happen. It's a little scary to learn that this can happen three years in to T, but I am not surprised. thanks, Helios

Its hard to say, I wasn't in a relationship early on and the first few years of my transition my family made no contact with me so I went through most of that on my own. I've been on T for 7 years now and have been in my current relationship for 2 1/2 years and haven't had any transition related issues. I think it effects everyone differently. Its not unfair or selfish to want to be shown that you matter to your partner and that they love you. I would agree with some of the others suggestions about counseling.

It could be T - or it could be that your partner is withdrawing from you for other reasons. Sometimes, a partner drift away (falls out of love, gets bored, etc.) and the relationship draws to an end. I would also suggest counseling, but I want to stress above all that you deserve to be loved and respected in your relationship, regardless of what your partner is going through. Intimacy is a two-way street. If he is unable or unwilling to get help for himself and for your relationship, it may be time to think about leaving. Just be very clear with him that this will happen if nothing changes. Once again, you deserve love and respect. Don't forget that. Good luck!