I recently posted on the FtM boards that I was thinking about transitioning back into male.  I've sorta gone back and forth between my genders, and I can't seem to find a comfortable place where I identify.  So, a few people recommended that I come here, to the androgyne boards =)
At this moment, I am so confused... I am having trouble identifying with either gender.  I like being feminine, feeling girly and dressing up pretty at times... but I also like the freedom of being a man, the lose feel of their cloths at times, and not feeling so self conscious all the time.  It seems that whichever gender I choose, I tend to make it black and white in my head, so when I lived as female I wore lots of makeup, dresses and such... and as a man I wore khakis, button up shirts, short hair, etc.  However, in both of these instances, I tend to focus on parts of my body that are masculine, and parts that are feminine... and loathe the parts that are conflicting with the gender I am presenting in.  I have a nice mix of both male and female features, where my face favors female, but my upper body is very tone with defined shoulders, favoring male.  So when living as a girl I felt hatred towards my upper body, and living as a boy I disliked my face.  However, about 3 years ago, before I started presenting as female, I presented as androgynous for a few months.  I remember being so confident all the time, because of the freedom I had to accentuate all my features and not feel self conscious.  As opposed to now, where I feel terrified to step outside of the house =(
So, I am thinking of going back to this... and seeing if this makes me happy.  If not, then I am completely lost =(

I am wondering if anyone on here has had any similar feelings, or any thoughts and suggestions? 

About 4 months ago, I went through this same thing, except went back to presenting as female to avoid having to tell my friends what was going on.  However, I woke up one morning and made a video and posted it on YouTube, to try to see which gender people thought I favored... if any.  I lowered my voice to sound male at the start, and briefly raise it to female in the middle, to attempt to throw people off....

but if interested, here is the YouTube video.    =)


I took this picture this morning, trying to look androgynous... I had to use the hat to fold my hair up into =) 

Gender has no meaning or value if it is counterfeit.
Counterfeit gender is just a game, a trick, an amusement,
an act, a fraud, a deception, an imitation, artificial, bogus.

Be yourself, not a gender.
Being yourself is effortless and genuine.
Being yourself is REAL, not counterfeit.
In being yourself, in behaving in a manner which is natural to you,
whatever gender you are becomes self-evident.

-Emerald

I've found this little gem from Emerald to be quite true.
I also believe this to be true:


Just remember that androgynous is nothing more than a fashion statement.
You can look androgynous and not be Androgyn
You can be Androgyn and not look androgynous
If You are Androgyn and look androgynous, you don't.
You then look androgyn. Which can have a look of androgynous, but it isn't.


You sound very Androgyn. Being an Androgyn has nothing to do with your presentation. It only has to do with your gender. An Androgyn is someone who is between the binary Male and Female genders.

Do you find that you are between the extremes of binary? You may be non-binary and that is defined as Androgyn on this forum.
If you think you may be non-binary, then you probably are Androgyn genderwise.

Ativan

I like it! I'm glad to see you making progress Vanna, do you still want to be called Vanna? It's cool. Vanna, Vinnie, Vinnia...

I like to hang out with the Androgyn people sometimes, they're like the eye of the hurricane. Somehow their sense of cool brings me peace. Am I an androgyn? Most probably not. Rest assured, I won't try to drag you back to the fairy castle, but I may pop in here and comment or ask questions about your journey.

Anyway, you do you Love it.

I dunno, sometimes I think the calm doesn't go all the way down.

Being less dysphoric is nice.  Not having the same pressures to conform is nice, but that's not to say there is no pressure. The weird thing though is living in a binary world.  Everything is gender segregated... even things like cereal and vegetables are sometimes marketed to a specific gender.  There are womens' hand tools in pink, meant to shame men into using their own instead of borrowing.

With the constant binary gender message coming from society, we often have to choose from between two options that don't fit.  And I don't know about anyone else, but self-doubt is a daily thing for me.  Am I really just a guy disassociating from stereotypical manly-man behavior?  Every time I use the mens' restroom or buy mens' clothes I think that way just a little bit.

I didn't mean to be a downer.  If I were given the chance to just be made cisgender and lose all sense of being nonbinary, I think i'd decline.

Oh no, I totally get it. Y'all are just more mellow.

Thanks =)
Well, my biological name is Van.... but I wouldn't care what anyone called me really... he, she, Van, Vanna... it's all the same.
I haven't decided that I want to do this yet... but it seems like a good idea, and that it may help me out.  My main issue is going to be giving up a lot of my cloths... I can still recycle my jeans, jackets, leggings and such to a new wardrobe... but I should probably stay away from skirts and dresses.  Although, I don't really wear those much anyway now.  But still, it's all the cloths I have. 
I'm also trying to figure out if I should quit taking hormones or not, I've greatly decreased my dose... but I'm scared to quit taking them.  On one hand I want to because I hate being emotional, I don't like how crazy they make me feel as times... but on the other hand I like them because of their feminizing qualities.  I feel like if i keep taking them that I will fall back into being a woman, but if I stop taking them that becoming more masculine may cause me anxiety.  I should probably see a therapist about this =)

I can think of so many benefits to me going back and identifying as male, even if I am androgynous... just that fact that I identify as male would help me with my family, a lot of my old friends, and help me not be so fearful all the time of leaving the house. 
The thing is, when I am around other girls, I don't feel like I am one of them.  I feel like I am an effeminate guy, trying to fit in with them and identify as them.  I pretty much dumped all my girlfriends throughout my transition because of feeling this way =( 

I'd say don't get rid of any clothes too quickly.  Pack them away, and if you don't miss them a couple years later, then donate 'em somewhere.

Or if the "Genderplayful Marketplace" thing gets off the ground, maybe you'll be able to trade them through that.

Quote from: EmmaM on August 29, 2011, 12:55:29 PM
Oh no, I totally get it. Y'all are just more mellow.

I freak out on various occasions, In fact I did just recently. But, Hey I was messing with my meds. I have a better idea now of how they are interacting and if the dosage seems right. And I'm sorry to anyone that was offended.

Ativan

I may be classified as m2f transsexual or transgender, or simply crossdresser. The term androgynous is comfortable for me, as I cherish my wife and kids and sometimes I have to present myself as a man, and expose my chest.

I seldom wear skirts. Probably once or twice per year. I wear heels probably less than 10 times per year. Mostly I wear women's clothes that are not obviously feminine, for example capris, shoulderless tops, flat sandals, and hot pants.

Today school started, and I wore men's formal dress to present myself as a nice lecturer to students. My students and colleagues like my wearing men's formal dress. They always comment like "how handsome you are" , "You look really neat", and "I wish you wear men's dresses more frequently". And my wife and kids are the same.

Very few people praise my feminine beauty.

However, when I am in en femme, I can attract a lot of attention from anonymous strangers in public, and it is thrilling and sometimes satisfactory. Some people comment like "you body is more feminine than girls" after they get to know I am a man. I guess I enjoy those attention and thrilling. It is like playing a performance in public.

I think I am allowed to enjoy this, but the cost is rather expensive. As I do not take HRT, it is rather expedient to switch between mand and woman.

Barbie~~

Quote from: VannaSiamese on August 28, 2011, 10:21:41 PM
I am having trouble identifying with either gender.

The good news is that you don't have to (anymore).

The bad news, is that's pretty much all the good news I've got.

I kind of walk the line between male and female myself. Only difference is, I never transitioned to one or the other. Never did a name change, only took hormones for a short while ... so while I've always considered myself male, I have some feminine features/qualities that I don't always like but have grown over time to accept. I try to look at it like having more freedom as well. I mean, most people in the world do just fall to one side or the other and are happy like that, and that's perfectly fine, but there's other people who don't like either or want to be in the middle or because of any number of circumstances choose to be androgynous.

Honestly, I think you look great and I think you should take all the fashionable things that you've acquired that you're comfortable wearing and rock it all. And explore what makes you feel the best.

We are a bit silly here but welcome to the unicorn forest VannaSiamese  Please stay as long as you want. And beware of androgynes bearing fruitcake or bacon 

What kind of reactions did your Ex-girlfriends have to it...did it make starting you doubt, did it give you some relief or was it nothing you wanted to hear?

I remember your cute pictures of you and your (ex?) girlfriend (A bit asian looking), you seemed pretty happy at those moments, but I also know doubt and irritation can come up quickly with us :\

I hope you'll be able to feel a little better soon