I'm back at college, attempting to present as a girl, and I feel like an absolute freak. For the past few days I have left my room on very few occasions, and when I have I have been afraid of being noticed in general. I'm so sick of trying to "pass", it feels like such an unnecessary stress during a time when I start to lay the ground for my future career. This seemed so right even a month or so ago, now I feel like the guy in me is fighting for his survival. Classes start tomorrow, so I REALLY need to decide which way I'm going to present.  I'm not sure what to do at this point. I feel like there is no going back either way. On one hand, I would very much like to look like a girl, but on the other hand I'm feeling so self conscious about it it's unbearable.

I spent all of my freshman year moping in my room, so I don't have any friends here for support or guidance. It's not helping my cause at all.

Thanks all

The problem: I enjoy the idea of being/becoming a woman, but it isn't really helping me feel any better about myself, in the end.

If this should be somwhere else, redirect it.

Quote from: Graverobber9 on August 29, 2011, 06:38:07 PM
I'm back at college, attempting to present as a girl, and I feel like an absolute freak. For the past few days I have left my room on very few occasions, and when I have I have been afraid of being noticed in general. I'm so sick of trying to "pass", it feels like such an unnecessary stress during a time when I start to lay the ground for my future career. This seemed so right even a month or so ago, now I feel like the guy in me is fighting for his survival. Classes start tomorrow, so I REALLY need to decide which way I'm going to present.  I'm not sure what to do at this point. I feel like there is no going back either way. On one hand, I would very much like to look like a girl, but on the other hand I'm feeling so self conscious about it it's unbearable.

I spent all of my freshman year moping in my room, so I don't have any friends here for support or guidance. It's not helping my cause at all.

Thanks all

The problem: I enjoy the idea of being/becoming a woman, but it isn't really helping me feel any better about myself, in the end.

If this should be somwhere else, redirect it.

Passing shouldn't be your main concern simply because it is stressing you out. Forget about it right now. Youre in school. If you're viewed as a transgendered person you need to become at peace with that. You will notice the more comfortable you are, the less you will mind when people stare.
You've come far, I hope you hold strong.
I have friends who have transitioned after college, but I hope you take the challenge of remaining lovely.

It seems like you are trying to rush things...

Hmm, think of it as a very heavy person putting on their beach thong after they have lost only 5 pounds. Maybe in a year or two after they have finished with their diet (transition) they could pull it off, but if they ignore everything and just "express who they are" when the world doesn't see it that way... they simply stand out and it is a horrible experience.

Give yourself time. Slow down. Start hormones and let your body start doing its thing. Grow your hair out, slowly add in new feminine aspects (such as eyebrows)... but all of it happening slowly without shocking those around you. It will let your mind grow into things as well... you will feel confident. Heck, maybe you will never be able to pull of a frilly dress... but you will find some style that you can work with and looks good as long as you don't blind yourself to the reality of your sittuation and surroundings.

For example, the first time I went crazy on my eyebrows (the other month) I was very self conscious about it!! I thought everyone would say things about it or look at me strange or try to avoid me. But, none of that happened (mostly, I got a couple "that is new" looks). The thing is, now I am completely comfortable with how things are (and so is everyone around me). If I walk into the grocery store full of strangers, I'm not even thinking about my eyebrows... and I have confidence (when you don't have confidence, it draws peoples attention...because it is a sign that something is wrong).

This is the same thing that happened the first time I started wearing a bra... I was afraid everyone would see it if my shirt bumped against me a certain way. But now, I hunch over when tired (and I KNOW it is sticking out) and I really don't care (and neither does anyone else). I act normally, and people interact with me normally.

For me, my transition is happening slowly. I will absolutely NOT wear any female clothes (other than a sports bra) until I actually look female. I don't want to be seen as some freak or pervert. Sure, I would love to rock a nice dress when I go out for dinner and be absolutely stunning... but I'm not going to let my WISH become so strong that it blinds me to what I really look like (again, fat guy in a bikini scenario). I would be self conscious and uncomfortable and it would have others react negatively towards me (which would only make me feel worse). Why do that to yourself?

So, stop trying to force yourself into a space you aren't ready for yet. Just relax... be yourself (and COMFORTABLE), and slowly branch out to explore / express yourself.... make friends, show them bits of your feminine side slowly...and they will accept you.

Again, for example, when I meet strangers I present as a guy (maybe a bit strange looking for a guy, but people react to me as a guy). When I make friends, I tone down the playfull / feminine aspects and slowly add them in. Eventually I am completely about expressing my feminine / playfull sides to certain people and they are 100 percent accepting of it. I am slowly surrounding myself / finding people in my life who accept me, so as my transition continues... even if I run into problems ... I will have things to fall back on and people who I know will see how wrong it is.

This is just another part of slowing down... you don't have any of this in place...and you are trying to jump right into the center of the room before even starting your physical transition??

Maybe its not time for you to Full Time it yet, De-Transition No! For some its head first, others it is a buildup to, meaning gradually or partially. Don't know what your Major is, but it is important to get that degree...$$$

There are things you can do right now to aid in your transition, Hair Removal, HRT, Voice training, etc. If you completely freak right now it could cause you to "put her back in the closet", believe me she'll bust the door down in the future, ! Are you seeing a Therapist? Check out the Campus LGBT center or similar, might help.

I think Transition is similar to other endeavors that after the 'feeling" recedes, now the work remains. For me, my transition to Full Time is approx. 2yrs (at least on paper that is, really, I wrote out a plan and gave it to my Therapist), I'm older than you and "she" will bust the door down. Everybody tells me its a Journey, so the path isn't always a straight line or short for some of us.

Hopefully some others will give you better advice than my BS 

I don't know, this is a personal decision, one that you have to make.

If I looked like you do in the avatar and were starting a new school year I'd go for it.
Any gear but reverse.
Today being trans is not a big deal.
I'd much rather be trans than a guy.
Obviously, being a woman is better still.

   
    I'm not gonna tell you what you should do but i will tell you from my experience detransition unless you REALLY REALLY have to is NOT a good idea. I transitioned for a year at your age then detransitioned and the regret i feel from that is extremely painful. This isn't something that goes away with time, time is all you'll waste if you detranstion. 

As others I would just say this isn't a race or anything.  Take it as slow as you need.  If it feels wrong, you may not be ready for full-time yet.  That doesn't necessarily mean just toss the whole idea of transition altogether.  Take smaller steps and feel it out a little more.  Let peace (or lack thereof) be your compass.  Dysphoria probably isn't going away.  It's up to you to find the way of managing it that works best for you.  In time those needs may change.

Oh, hon...I've been living as a man for a couple of years now, and I still feel like a freak sometimes. I think it goes with the territory for a lot of us until we settle in. I fully realize that there's a bigger stigma for people going from M to F, but you know what I mean.

If you think that going back will help you to focus more on school, that's something to consider. Sometimes going backward a little can save your sanity. But also think about how far you've come and what it does for you, personally, and not how it makes other people react. Make a list of pros and cons. In the end, you might just have to go with your gut, but don't neglect the rational side of things.

Somebody, maybe Patton, once said (and I paraphrase), "If you're in hell, keep going." It might be less painful to do that, but only you can decide.

FWIW, that's a cute avatar pic. Is it you?

Quote from: Rabbit on August 29, 2011, 07:18:13 PM
It seems like you are trying to rush things...

...........

This is just another part of slowing down... you don't have any of this in place...and you are trying to jump right into the center of the room before even starting your physical transition??

Awesome. Thank you so much for these words!!  Truly


Rep +1

I'll second those here who are suggesting taking your time.  Uni or College is probably the best place to learn to express yourself.  There will be lots of students who are experimenting with their identity, so you will soon find you fit in. Just a matter of getting out there and not giving a rat's a*** about what others think.
Relaxing and taking time to get each little bit right is a good way to do anything new. 
I will be at Uni next year as a mature age student, and am looking forward to it.

Karen.

The only thing I can add is to look down at my signature.

And never give up.  It isn't worth going back.

Just do it. I'm the same way, have felt the same way. I think we sometimes put WAY too much thought into trying to present female, instead of just PRESENTING female. Don't over-think the situation. Grow a pair. Don't be a pussy. Say "->-bleeped-<- it" and pretend you are confident, even though you might be terrified on the inside. I know where you are coming from, and it's not fun. But trust when I tell you to just do it. Being born the wrong sex is already the worst thing that could have happened to you. And you survived that. You can survive anything that life throws at you.

You have support here either way you go. Transition just might not be the right path for you. And that's okay too. After all, this is YOUR path. However fast or slow you take it, it doesn't matter. You may even find you are androgynous.  But, whatever you decide, stay in school and get that degree! Good luck. ^_^

I'm not going to say that you should DT (detransition) or that you should go full time in school. That's your decision to make. What I will say, though, is that you look good. If your voice is at the very least androgynous, and you behave like a girl, then you should have nothing to worry about.

If you DT, and you cut your hair, imagine all of the time you spent growing it out, now going down the drain. Is it really worth it? It may make things easier now, but think down the line, how you may regret your decision now. All of us have those types of regrets. You're doing so good now, is it really worth throwing away all of the wonderful progress just for a little bit convenience?

Again, if you feel it is what you must do, I won't say that you're wrong. I don't judge, and I absolutely will not judge you if you decide this is what you want to do. But I think you should carefully weigh in everything, and take a serious recap of what you've accomplished up to this point and then decide if it's worth moving backwards in your transition.

I hope I was able to help, *hugs*.

Quote from: Samantharz on August 30, 2011, 01:46:48 AM
I'm not going to say that you should DT (detransition) or that you should go full time in school. That's your decision to make. What I will say, though, is that you look good. If your voice is at the very least androgynous, and you behave like a girl, then you should have nothing to worry about.

What do you mean "behave like a girl"? I honestly don't know what that means outside of the "walk", the "talk", and not using too many masculine phrases or expressions. I only have one friend, who is a guy, so I have relatively few oppurtunities to act feminine (whatever that means). The friend in question doesn't even go here so I am all but completely isolated from campus life. Crossdressing in public certainly isn't helping.

I don't really want to give it up, but I am feeling quite afraid at the moment. I'm afraid to talk, because I don't want to reveal myself, I'm not sure if I am walking feminine at all (I probably am not because I am feeling so nervous) so I leave my room as little as possible. I've been working on my voice, but I'm just so nervous when I'm out in public that I tend to just let my guy voice slip (which isn't too low in the first place). Voice-wise, I'm mainly concerned about class participation; I doubt with my presentation right now I will be able to speak in class at all. I think I may have entered full-time too soon and didn't prepare well enough.

Truthfully, I doubt it matters very much whether I pass at this point or not. Virtually everyone here saw me as a man last year, so it's not like I have anyone to fool. My main issue is living up to my own high standards.

Don't worry so much about being feminine, just be yourself.
You can't walk around thinking about how you walk.
Just loosen up, walk how you like. Eventually you'll have your own walk.
Ok, maybe make a little effort on your voice, but don't get crazy.

Quote from: Renate on August 30, 2011, 04:55:38 AM
Don't worry so much about being feminine, just be yourself.

Yup.

Quote from: Renate on August 30, 2011, 04:55:38 AM
You can't walk around thinking about how you walk.

True, cause then you probably walk funny.

Quote from: Renate on August 30, 2011, 04:55:38 AM
Just loosen up, walk how you like. Eventually you'll have your own walk.

Walk like your a girl. Don't try to walk like a girl, but know that you are a girl and because of that fact alone, the way you walk becomes the way a girl walks.

Quote from: Renate on August 30, 2011, 04:55:38 AM
Ok, maybe make a little effort on your voice, but don't get crazy.

I disagree slightly. Work on your voice, go crazy, master it as quickly as you can. Even if you don't transition right now, you'll save yourself so much work later.

Quote from: Graverobber9 on August 30, 2011, 02:57:56 AM
Crossdressing in public certainly isn't helping.

Think of this way. You're a girl right? You're crossdressing when you dress in male clothing.

I'm going back to college this fall myself and I am going back as Autumn. No one except my old faculty advisor and a couple students still lingering in my old department know my old name. I'm not going stealth (ha, as if I even could at this point!) but I am doing what I can to limit how much of the old life is known during that critical first impression period. I don't want people to think of my name and identity as optional. I considered waiting until Spring semester to go full time, but that would require meeting all the new people in my new major as a guy, and then convincing all of them that fact had changed over winter break. All around, even though I don't pass yet, I feel it'll be easier this way.

Just go in with your head high.

If you're not confident, fake it. If you're scared out of your wits, pretend you're not. You just have to last until the end of class and you can find a moment by yourself to let it out. Your mind will be racing, but if you keep a smile on your face even when you're panicking, all they'll see is a very self-assured woman. Once you've got that image planted in their head, it'll take some real work to get it out. But if you walk in as a guy on day one, that's what they'll see even if you go through transition later.

Very simple answer to very simple question:

CONTRADICTING!

You your self write that you are a woman within you boy body, boy self fights for place in life amongst external, girl want to be there in emotional life internal. Hence the text book Transsexual stereotype of fight within and being miss understood by society for the wrong body. Many girls never make it because of this tremendous pain and confusion.

You a5re who you are and so far I can tell from your own report, you are a transgender woman soul trapped by boys avatar, and the need to see for your self the girl you are is of utmost importance BUT, what is even more important is your sanity and emotional stability to be able to survive through this.

Hence my suggestion, just as many others had pointed out, you are a girl weather you put on a wig, dress, necklace, makeup and stuff, or jeans and Tshirt!!!!!!!!!!

If your presentation is freaking people around you then STOP!!!!!    Get your butt to the mall, get your self some woman's jeans, Tshirts and voila! you will feel fem on the inside as you are, but present non-gender-specific on the outside. No wig, No makeup or very light, non noticeable.
Slowly open up to your peers and tell them the truth you will be surprised of acceptance then, I PROMISE!, and then slowly when they know you become more open in your external appearance.
No one had build or created anything from the finish but from beginning through completion. Do what comes naturally, slow assimilation.

Love Inna

Just go as yourself. If anyone ask say your androgynous. Tell them its an experiment your going for to see how people react to people who do not look either male or female. But your picture definately looks female so just go as you are and let it be an experiment and don't get into details with anyone. The word will get around that your experimenting and soon others will be asking about trying it too.

Go for it don't make it a big deal since you say they all know you from last year anyway.