As some of you know Leah my S.O is Transitioning Mto F. She has been on Hormone and Saving for SRS.

Now that said here it comes blaaaaa my tongue is out and I hope you will all read what I'm trying to convey and maybe have some words for sturdiness for me.

There is a final deal within our business dealings coming to a close shortly. In the past Leah has only been hormones and planning verbially and saving for the different steps in her total transition on SRS. In those steps are Faciall Surgerys also and Breast Implants as well. I have been supportive with actions and verbally for her constant forward journey. She has told me she was waiting til her mother was not going to have to deal with the issues of the community and social hoopla. I thought she should tell her mom and all our family and friends that are impportant to her...Us.

We are now expecting our second grand baby the end of this month. Wonderful news! It's a girl on top of it all! Even better news. (It makes old hurts come up that i'm facing though which is very hard.) a whole other topic. This topic is to mention another grandbaby will know her as grandpa beofre she become GRANDMA also. I wish there was a way for her to share this with our boys and their families. Without having to hide it from them because of hiding it from her mom still. These babysteps of our forward journey are letting to much else move past faster in our lives. It will be hard to enjoy and be bonding with them all and then to possibly be stripped of their love as many of our dear friends here have been. At times I feel myself holding back and distancing us from them because I don't want to hurt so later on.

They other day When Leah and I were driving and planning up coming wants and dreams and plans, I said can we use some of the money coming from the this business transaction to work on the kitchen so I can have a counter (which there is none at preasent), and new cabinets. She said no she was using it for surgery. The deep heavy unable to get my breath feeling came so suddenly and totally unexpected. I have began to question have I really been supportive? Have I really accepted what she's about to do? Can I really handle what is about to come and the changes our life forever?

I have that huge lump as I wirte this as if it's trying to push it all backdown in side me. As if it could make it go away and not really be going to happen. At the same time there are thoughts of I need to do this and do that to get this or that ready before the SRS and Facial and Breast Surgeries because she won't beable to after. (House remodleing and project completeions that have been on going for 15 or so years.) Oh .... Oh my gosh... I wonder if one of my fears about it all is Leah will not finish this completely also like all those house projects still in midstream waiting her hands to take hold and complete them. Now see where did that come from it just popped in there and now your reading it.

As I write this the tears well and go away and well and go away none really fall. Have I been a fony. Am I really a selfish person that was really saying in the back of her mind, "It may not happen...don't spend time worrying about it...she may never finish this. She may change her mind. It isn't something I will really have to face. I mean wow I haven't had to face all that much. only her dressing and going out in public away from our immediate lives peremiders.

As we talked about the money being spent this way or that. I told her How was she going to work the jobs she has always once she is done having surgeries. Was she thinking she could go on with out it affecting those she deals with daily and weekly one business deal turing over after another. I expressed to Leah I felt she needed to either move to a new location and use all her knowledge there to make the living we would need to live or tell these people here where she lives and works now before the surgeries.
I asked what did she plan to do just have have a meeting set to discuss a new business deal with this one or that one and when they get there they see Leah instead of whom they are used to. Oh that would go over great.  How did she plan to hide it all from them I can't imagine someone having implants and then binding the so they didn't show so much, I said and she just grinned at me.

A few days later she said could I be ready to go to Costa Rica for a month with part of the money. I said sure. Was this a pleasure trip or a New Home finding trip. (She has mentioned this many time over the 26 nyears we have been married). Now though we have grandbabies being born. How far it would be to travel and see them and get to bee grandma. It's only 8 hours to where our grandson turning 2 lives now and we have only got to be around him 6 times for a day. Then it is with sharing him with everyone else thats around for a Holiday or his birthday. That son and daughter don't travel with him to our house because he doesn't ride well for very long.

There is probably more where all this came from but I must close for now and will have to get backto this later.

Just writting and saying this things feels a little lighter in the chest all though nothing is settled or complete... ummmm is that what I can't seem to find a completeness anymore?

Peggiann

Hey  Peggiann:

I completely understand what you are saying and going through.  I too felt this way - supporting Steph through all of this - yet feeling deep down hoping she would change her mind and come back to me.  Then I would start beating myself up for having those thoughts.  But those thoughts are normal, truly they are.  We know this is not an easy route to travel, some of us make it together, some us make it apart - but we do make it one way or another.

What you have to remember is that you are entitled to your wants as well.  If you are going through this as a team then it is a matter of give and take.  It has been my experience (and I know many will not agree) that we as SO's do a lot of giving.  Be able to tell the other person what it is that you want is sometimes hard - but you will feel better for it.  Being this the grand kid is important to YOU, tell Leah that.

Regarding telling the family.  I too began to hold the worlds apart (sort of like George on Sienfeld) thinking I was protecting Steph and the family from each other.  This was an unrealistic job I took on because eventually (like George) my worlds began to collide.  That's when I began to have the angina attacks.  I had to walk away from that - letting each of the players deal with each other.  Once I began to do that I started to feel better.  Did I stop worrying - no I will always be concerned.  If you feel that the family should know then talk with Leah and perhaps come up with a date that this will happen.  This is extremely hard, but it is my opinion, once "the secret" is out, you can begin living again.  You may be suprised at just how much the family knows.

Keep talking Peggiann .  Glad your back.

Gill

Gill,
   You are exactly right. In a relationship there is the give and take. It isn't a 50/50 give and take it is a 100/100 give and take. Peggie you need to talk to Leah about all of your feelings, otherwise it will hurt you mentally and physically in the long run. You are already suffering from this. Leah is transsexual and there is nothing you can do about that, and to support her is what you need to do. On the other hand she needs to support you and all that you are going through. Both of you are going through a very traumatic time now. Most married couples divorce over this. If you can not compromise, that is what will happen to the both of you. I don't mean you compromise, I mean the both of you. Like I said marriage is give and take 100/100. I compromised on a lot, but actually I think I got more out of it. Not trying to make things like I got more than you, but I felt like I got my life back. I wanted more, but I know that Pat was not going to stand by and let me get those things, so I got my SRS and my marriage. What more could I ask for. My daughter totally accepts me, so I'm in heaven. Only wish my son, but that is totally different situation. I guess what I'm trying to say is that talking is the best way to heal. This is what I have learned and all I'm trying to do is pass on a little something.
Love Sheila

Thank you Gill and Sheila,

I know communication is the most important thing in any relationship and Leah and I have the best lines. I can say anything and talk everything over with her. We have talk all this over It's just that some how these talks don't seem to move us closer to resolving or getting on with living truly. By that I mean it feels like when I was a child and played dress up or pretend games. The good part about playing those games is you get to come back to the true world when you want. What we are doing as long as Leah isn't actually gone through surgeries and becomes the complete true version of Leah is pretend and we're stuck between all three places, what we had before I was told of her desire to become Leah for real, what we have now and what will have after her surgeries. I want us to just stop pretending and get on with life. Real life. This pretend life is getting old and truly exausting. I am not blaming or critisizing, understand me I love Leah and she loves me there is no question as to this. I'm not angery or anything like that. I quess am just...what...ummm...wanting to live and make memories to remember for ever and ever with Leah the complete Leah. I want to move on and leave behind those and what doesn't choose to fit an be a part of the real, not make believe life with Leah. This pretend life feels empty and unfulfilling and uninportant.

Does this make sense to anyone else but me?

Peggiann

*tip toes in*
*hugs Peggiann*
*hugs anyone else near for good measure*
*hugs Peggiann again, also for good measure.*
*tip toes out*

Peggiann:
  OK I realise not telling some people that are close to you has good reasons.  HOWEVER...
this is causeing you guys more harm than telling them would ! think about that for a second !
every one closely related to you IS GOING TO FIND OUT ANYWAY !.... Weather they find out from you or from someone else ....they will still find out... so stop punnishing yourselves !  I believe if Leah's Mom realy loves her she will want whats best for Leah.... not what socioty expects of her.  another words what ever makes you happy...
and Obviously being a Man isn't  So....... 
Telling parents isn't an easy thing, weather their old or acient !  or walking Fossels ! its plane hard to do !
but be honnest with them , you both know that being dishonnest with your parents means more than a slap in the face
its hart felt...  So it is whith your Childern ! Be honnest with them... tell them to keep their big mouth shut if you must about it...but You tell them before they find out themselves !
.... I admit, its a Horrable thought to me that grandkid will grow up knowing grandma and Grandma   that scary just to think about... but its our socioty that causes this fear ! If Leah is a strong enough person She will get through this anyway... and deal with the questions from the grandkids " weren't you a man at one time grandma?"
or similar such inocent questions, that are inevitable... but thats the price a TS must pay ! thats part of it.
...  Face that stuff NOW, and start dealing with it NOW... some may take it very hard and some may not...
it doesn't matter... you need to be honnest with them or this will eat you alive ! .... put all your cards on the table with Mom !  if she can't handle it then you can take it from there ! but give her some credit ! she is a Mom after all and that means she is a tough vetern ! <grin>
... I thought at first that My Dad would never understand, being the religious fanatic that he is... and I sought to hide it as long as possable and we did... for about 8 months, and the opertunity came up one day and I told him, and I'm glad now that I did... as every one of our relitives have taken it well.   I don't see why they shouldn't have in the first place... Now... but I was extreamily worried about my Dad, but  as I said , if they love you they will support you.... IF they understand, now if they don't understand they may well NOT support you at all and excominucate you from the family ! ... understanding what TS is is extreamily important to those you love.  do not take that too lightly... if they understand exactly what TS is and how it is and all the rest that goes with it, that its not some fettish, or twisted morilaty, that its a Birth defect, pure and simple then
your chances of everyone around you accepting it well are extreamily good !
...but look at what trying to keep it a secrete is doing to you now .... is it worth it ? only you can tell !
.... give your loved ones some credit ! their not totally stupid !
<grin>

Ok you want to save them the hurt.... then explain ALL and they will be spaired the hurt, because the hurt comes from missunderstanding.   if you say Oh, did you know Leah was a TS ? and leave it at that then you will foster the pain.... explain what ts IS ,they will no doubt be taken back a few steps but as long as Gransma knows its not her fault in any way, she'll come along with no problem,.... "its oh well, what ever makes him happy I guess!"   and thats a great place to start !

...
My 2 coppers !

Bob.......

Bob,

I couldn't agree with you more. It is not however my place to do the telling. I have to allow Leah the space and time to do this her self. I can only make suggestions and voice my oppinons. I can only let her know my disomfort in her way of dealing with this. It is up to her to agree to tell, which she has it's the timing that's the issues now. I will then be at her side and help them all understand what it is all about. I have posted many times the same things you state her for others at this point in the journey of transition.

Now, you must understand why I feel we are marking time, why we are in a pretend world feelings I have. Therapist would be helpful and has been for sharing these troubled feelings with, but Leah says it would be a waste of money as he still will not tell her Mom. I can see and imagine her most feared reaction from his mom too. She is 87 and not telling her isn't fair to all sides. But neither does Leah want to be the cause  and have to live with possible such stress cause heart attack and maybe even her death. She has enough other guilt trips she has worked been working through.

As for the children and grandchildren...another story. I feel she would be very well supported on all fronts where our boys and one of the daughter in laws. The other daughter in law will be so hurt and emotionally upset. We have seen a sick prank of such be played on her from the best man of heir wedding. She was distraught for the 2 days he didn't tell her the truth. Our daughter in law cried for days and still does when it is brought up abought the prank, she mentioned her stress at the thought of such a thing to have to tell her children when looking at wedding pictures and wanting to know where is person. She is having the grandbaby girl in about 3 to 4 weeks more. Now is not the time for telling them either. Stress that could cause premature labor would not be an easy thing to forgive either and then more guilt for Leah too.

I agree it needs to be shared with them all but timing and life events happening for them all need to be concidered also. It would not be fair to disrupt or unsettle the air around things and events coming for the rest of the family members lives. We have had health issues for parents and death of one for Leah and the death of Leah's brother. His mother went through a deep depression and we almost lost her. One of our sons' wife father past away in the past year also and she is reall having a hard time dealing with her grief of this loss. We don't feel it wirte to tell others while waiting for others to recover or be ready to move on with life from other events causing stress or briing joy and this news to cause stress during the joyful ttime coming, and expect those told to keep it to themselves while we get the chance for timing to be right to tell others. We both have been in a place with these issues of TG not having someone they love to be able to talk things over with. Sure we will offer to be there for them to talk with, but I remember wanting someone besides Leah to talk with about my feelings also. I can only imagine they with want to turn to each oother for comfort that their world still has some anchors holding it all together.

Leah has never said she wasn't telling them. We have both discussed this many times and even laid ground work for doing so as shared in post past about 1 and a half years ago. just that life kept happening and time was not good with out threatening health of those needing to be told.

The trips to Trinidad have been helpful in easing my trouble feelings and I expect I and Leah need to go again as it's been 5 or 6 months since there last to her Dr.'s

I knew this would be a tangled life. I just didn't know how tangled it would be.

Smiles,
Peggiann

Ahh Tangled Smangled ! just give it some time Kiddo and it will all work out !
Leah is probly right then in keeping it from Mom... you gott'a remember Leah knows Mom alot better than you do
and is probly right on her guesses on how she will react ... so bide your time...
its not like you guys have done nothing  or that transision will totally STOP ... just be cool and let things settle down and when the time is right you'll know... trust your hart !
be paitiant ! this is a long road.... and wanting to hurry it only makes it longer... all things in due time!
.... thats easy for me to say UH??? hehehehehe I know what your thinking !but what else can you do but be paitiant
and haing in there ?  things will work out sooner or later !
....
and incidently.... the money for the counter top you want, probly is best to save for SRS.... go buy a piece of plywood and put it as a counter top instead and cover it with linolioum, thats alot cheeper and will do just as good
sure its not the RITZ... but saveing money is very important now !
Its supprizeing how nice a counter top you can make that way, you can even use tile mastic and glue tiles down for a great look at a tenth of the price of a slab of marble...
at last check I hurd $30,000 was for SRS and sister that is alot of pancakes !  if you save every cent you can get your hands on for the next 10 years you'll be lucky to get that much !
but what does that do to your life for ten years ? (hehehehe get a loan ! pay for it after the fact.)
...
just some ideas...
I'm no Doctor or profecional at ANYTHING.. just a guy with lots of opinions ! <grin>
use what ya can and throw away the rest ! HAHHAHA
C ya !

Bob........

Hi Peggiann:

I know Steph's Mom took it really well - but after telling her we didn't hear from her for 2 months.  But she has been just great.

My Mom - well that's another story.  I talked with my older brother about this and whether we should tell her or not (she was 84 at the time).  His words we owe it to her to tell her.  Not telling would be just extending the lie (not being Steph with her).  Wise words from my older bro.  She really had a hard time with it and still does at times.  But as my other brother (I have 4 of them) told her, that this just wasn't a big enough deal to jeopardize her relationship with me as there may be a good chance that if she dug in her heels about all of this that she may never see me again and would she be willing to take that chance.  But sometimes she has issues - but god bless her - she has faced up to this and I am so proud of her and blessed that she is my Mom.  Now do the odd derog comments come out sure they do but she's 86 (now) and she feels life is just to damn short to not be able to say what you feel. 

Yup our parents are older, but you know they have seen a lot in their life time and realize that life is short to get bogged done in "stuff".

If this is tying you up in knots, then you need to undo them and begin telling the family.  You know what they say a problem shared is a problem solved (I think that is what the saying is).

And the Grandma issues, well Steph and I have it figured I would be Nana and she would be Nada.

Hope that helps a bit Peggian.

Gill

I have only one grandchild, the other is my sons and he doesn't want me around so I have not even seen my other grandson and it has been over 3years since he was born. We weren't even told of his birth. Well, my other grandson, who is 8 now, asked me one day when I picked him up from kindergarten. He asked me why do I want to be a girl? I told him that I am a girl. He said "Oh" then he said some of the kids said I was a man, well they are wrong, but you don't have to say anything to them. He just said ok and that was it. Nothing was ever said again and the teachers were very supportive of me. They had asked me for my ID the first time I picked him up and that was it. He has gone to another school and I picked him up there and there were no questions asked by the school except for the first time I picked him up and that was to see ID. He picked out what he wanted to call me. He came up to me, while I was sitting in my chair and said Grandma Sheila? Now, that was the first time he has called me that. He said I going to call you Grandma Sheila, is that all right? I started crying and said yes hon and gave him a big hug. My daughter told me later that was his decision to call me that name. He has called me that ever since. I deal a lot with young children while driving a bus. Just be honest, you are female and don't think that you are not. You don't have to go into detail and I guess it would depend on how old they are. Short simple answers is all you need.
Sheila

Short answers are all you need.... but some things Need to be fully understood...especially by childern.
Remember a Half truth is a full lie
I think my answer to the question put to you would have been a bit diferent Sheila...."well some kids said I was a man." well they were wrong, I have alwayse been a girl inside, but not on the outside. Yes I was a Man on the outside, but I have alwayse been a girl on the inside so I changed that.

that summs it up better and leaves no room for interpertation, what you told him, he will interpit later as a lie
when he finds out for sure. hurting your relationship.  if I were you I'ed get him aside and talk to him about it.
....if he asks how did you change that ? then tell him all the gory details... he's a young mind and deserves the truth.... if you don't want to go into it tell him, you realy don't want to talk about it.
....
...
..
  Do Not be dishonest with kids in anyway.... that includes Santa-clause, the easter-bunny  and the tooth-ferry...
let them know they are just for fun, they are Just as fun if they know the truth !
....
Just my opinion ofcorse, but I raised my Kid that way and it works <grin>
Kids grow up into adults and we have enough missinformed adults out there at the present time, lets not add to the list ! <grin>  You may well be the only one to give out that piece of precious "TRUTH" give it with pride !
take the time and do it RIGHT !
...
Just my opinion !

Bob.......

Peggiann

After reading your posts, I do think it time you "weighed in" on the best time to tell the family. You have equal rights on this even as it is about your spouse. It is your family too and they will be impacted by the news. You may be the one some turn to for counsel and advice. (BTW ... the fact that you are accepting and loving after knowing this news should count heavily, I suspect, with the children ...but, also, be prepared for questions about why they weren't told sooner ... they may be more hurt by the omission than the actual news ... especially if you have known for years).

It is clear this limbo has you in knots and quite anxious. I think it may be time now to share with all you care about and hopefully, with supportive family present, the elderly Mom will handle it better than expected.

You are strong. Thank you for all your own insights and for sharing.