I know that there are some of us who knew that we were female from a young age. Then there are people like myself who being female came as quite a revelation.

As a child I was told, in no uncertain terms, that I was male not female and was to act as such. I knew from a young age that I wanted to be girl but that made me a freak and a pervert so I hid it for decades. It wasn't until I was on hormones for seven months that I finally understood that my mind, my heart and my soul have always been female. Finally, my whole life was put into perspective and so many confusing things suddenly made perfect sense. It was both liberating and crushing. Forty years lost, pain and confusion that could have been avoided, secrets that would never have been kept, an entire life that was missed out on. These last three months have been very difficult, to say the least, but I'm getting through it. Having had this revelation it has made my path quite clear.

For those of you that had this revelation what's your story. Was it earth shattering, did it change the course of your life, was it just a confirmation of what you suspected or something else entirely?

 
   I knew there was something about me that was different but couldn't quite understand what "it" was till i reached my early teens. I thought about coming out and telling someone but i was ashamed of it and didn't want to be laughed at. I remember watching the jerry springer show and they had a few "->-bleeped-<-s" on and the way that show portrayed transexuals made me even more scared and embarrassed to come out.



   I finally came out at 19 and started hrt a few months afterwards. Now here i am at 25 re-transitioning after de-transitioning (tongue twister? lol) years ago. So after trial & error i learned that i was female all along no matter what i do, took me awhile but i finally accepted that fact & i've never been happier! 

Hannah's story rigs a bell with me, my childhood was similar with all the pervert and gay sh*t thrown around. At eight years old I realised that I was really a girl and had to do something about it, begged the school nurse to give me a pill that would make things right and paid a terrible price for doing so. Think the first time I felt really free to be me was at 23 with my then girlfriend who was gay. When I'm around women and especially around gay women my gender never enters my mind but when I'm around men I'm very, very conscious of it.

I'm slightly worried, because I haven't realized that I'm female. I mean, I want to be one, and I feel like it's more natural, but I've never had that aha moment. But I like feminine things (dressing up in girl jeans, t-shirts, doing my nails, makeup) and I've always been very in-touch with that side of me (theater was amazing!). I sometimes feel like I won't believe that I am a woman until I actually have breasts or a vagina. But on the other hand, I don't consider myself a "man." I'm just...me. Does anyone understand that?

i had that revelation very young. The stealing my mom's make up and dresses, playing with dolls. Things like that. When i got older i wondered how do you know that you are a woman? i mean if we believe that gender is socially conditioned than how can we say we are the opposite sex because we like what is socially constructed to be for the opposite gender. You know girls like dolls and pink, boys like blue and trucks. If these things are socially constructed which is something a lot of transgender people oppose than why do we transition and fall into the stereotypical role of our gender. Something i am yet to understand even within myself

Quote from: elsaG on September 12, 2011, 06:23:23 PM
i had that revelation very young. The stealing my mom's make up and dresses, playing with dolls. Things like that. When i got older i wondered how do you know that you are a woman? i mean if we believe that gender is socially conditioned than how can we say we are the opposite sex because we like what is socially constructed to be for the opposite gender. You know girls like dolls and pink, boys like blue and trucks. If these things are socially constructed which is something a lot of transgender people oppose than why do we transition and fall into the stereotypical role of our gender. Something i am yet to understand even within myself

Gender expression and identity are different entities. If so one wishes to fall into a stereotypical role so be it, likewise the opposite. Of course this applies to all, not just trans people.

Hmm, I grew up male. I liked to play outside in the woods with my sister (like making fires and forts and cutting down trees), or playing computer games or things like that.

Sure I did "girl things" like tea sets or stuffed animals, but no one ever questioned my gender or sexual orientation. For every "girl thing", I also was doing an equal amount of "guy things", like playing with swords or shooting guns.

At 16 I became absorbed in online gaming, and was a guy there too (at least at the start). But after a year or two I started to play as a girl (I had always played the girl in fighting video games before that).

But it was never "I am really a girl!!", it was just "hay this seems like fun, it is just roleplaying right? and girls get treated better!".

Eventually I became more attached to female characters (I guess I liked how I could act and how people responded). But it was still "just pretend"... but slowly moved into me thinking I just had a feminine side. Though, there was one time when I "came out" to a friend I had known for many years (with my male characters and female character) and said I was really a girl in real life all along haha.

Still, even with all that, I still thought of myself as a guy with a feminine side.

Then I discovered hormones and wanted to start simply to enhance my feminine side (instead of full transition). But I found out you couldn't pick and choose the effects (like having facial changes but no chest growth)... so, I thought about it, and figured I was fine with whatever happened (still not fully comfortable with my growing chest, and I"m at 5 months into hormones haha).

So, I guess I never had the "ah-ha!" moment. I never had a revelation that I was female... I just have a lot of feminine aspects which I like a lot. And now I am getting more physical / mental aspects with hormones, which I also like a lot.

Am a guy? Or a girl? Does it matter?

Quote from: elsaG on September 12, 2011, 06:23:23 PM
i had that revelation very young. The stealing my mom's make up and dresses, playing with dolls. Things like that. When i got older i wondered how do you know that you are a woman? i mean if we believe that gender is socially conditioned than how can we say we are the opposite sex because we like what is socially constructed to be for the opposite gender. You know girls like dolls and pink, boys like blue and trucks. If these things are socially constructed which is something a lot of transgender people oppose than why do we transition and fall into the stereotypical role of our gender. Something i am yet to understand even within myself

I never liked makeup or dresses or playing with dolls. I don't fall into the stereotypical role of our gender - I'm a gay tomboy. I'm not a girl because I like pink (I hate pink), I'm a girl because I'm female - because I know my body is wrong and how it is supposed to be.

Just cause I happen to look awesome in shirts that come from the men's side of the store, doesn't make me any less a girl. And as long as I'm wearing it, it's a girl's shirt.

I think sometimes people feel so strongly about dresses and makeup and nails and etc. because they are things that they wanted but were denied because they were supposed to be being boys. In a way I have a similar compulsion, it just takes different forms. I'm really looking forward to sticking a bunch of metal into my face and body that would have been socially problematic when I was presenting as a guy. For example.

i believe girls liking pink is socially conditioned, because well, it's just a color preference. something like dolls, i believe it's the type of play rather than the doll itself. then, the idea of "women wear dresses." "men wear pants." that's definately socially conditioned. the reason why there was a time women were only allowed to wear dresses was because it was considered modest apparel. the feminist movement is what brought women into wearing pants as more functional everyday wear.

I'm kind of similar to you Hannah, in the sense that I knew very early on but fought the notion tooth and nail till it finally just about killed me.  Then there I was with my youth behind me, looking back at a waste, knowing that I knew I was a girl all along, very clearly in fact, and yet I chose to go down this destructive path instead.

It really frustrates me now.  There was so much more to repair, so much necrosis that had to be cut out of my life completely than if I had just stood up for myself earlier.

But there isn't a thing you can do about the past.  All you really can do is try to convince yourself that if you had been ready earlier, then you would have transitioned earlier.  If/when that rings hollow, you just look forward, be grateful that you did reverse course, be thankful for your victories, be proud of yourself for finding the strength to finally be you.

I didn't have the same epiphany moment because I kind of had an understanding about being a girl, but my epiphany was that I could not live as a guy anymore.  When I finally admitted that to myself it was like the entire world lifted off my shoulders.

For young people, I just want to tell you, gender/sex is not something which you can "fake it till you make it."  You fake it till you fail, and your entire life falls apart.  Be authentic, for your own sakes.

Quote from: Jen on September 12, 2011, 07:55:47 PM
I'm kind of similar to you Hannah, in the sense that I knew very early on but fought the notion tooth and nail till it finally just about killed me.  Then there I was with my youth behind me, looking back at a waste, knowing that I knew I was a girl all along, very clearly in fact, and yet I chose to go down this destructive path instead.

It really frustrates me now.  There was so much more to repair, so much necrosis that had to be cut out of my life completely than if I had just stood up for myself earlier.

But there isn't a thing you can do about the past.  All you really can do is try to convince yourself that if you had been ready earlier, then you would have transitioned earlier.  If/when that rings hollow, you just look forward, be grateful that you did reverse course, be thankful for your victories, be proud of yourself for finding the strength to finally be you.

I didn't have the same epiphany moment because I kind of had an understanding about being a girl, but my epiphany was that I could not live as a guy anymore.  When I finally admitted that to myself it was like the entire world lifted off my shoulders.

For young people, I just want to tell you, gender/sex is not something which you can "fake it till you make it."  You fake it till you fail, and your entire life falls apart.  Be authentic, for your own sakes.

i'm glad i've learned that early on, and am now full time.

Quote from: FullMoon19 on September 12, 2011, 07:32:19 PM
i believe girls liking pink is socially conditioned, because well, it's just a color preference.

Yep. Because it used to be the opposite - blue was considered for girls as the 'calmer' color. And pink and red for boys.

That being said - I still hated pink and purple as a kid, probably because they were 'girl' colors.  Strangely, I like both now.

Quote from: Rabbit on September 12, 2011, 07:07:40 PM
Hmm, I grew up male. I liked to play outside in the woods with my sister (like making fires and forts and cutting down trees), or playing computer games or things like that.

Sure I did "girl things" like tea sets or stuffed animals, but no one ever questioned my gender or sexual orientation. For every "girl thing", I also was doing an equal amount of "guy things", like playing with swords or shooting guns.

At 16 I became absorbed in online gaming, and was a guy there too (at least at the start). But after a year or two I started to play as a girl (I had always played the girl in fighting video games before that).

But it was never "I am really a girl!!", it was just "hay this seems like fun, it is just roleplaying right? and girls get treated better!".

Eventually I became more attached to female characters (I guess I liked how I could act and how people responded). But it was still "just pretend"... but slowly moved into me thinking I just had a feminine side. Though, there was one time when I "came out" to a friend I had known for many years (with my male characters and female character) and said I was really a girl in real life all along haha.

Still, even with all that, I still thought of myself as a guy with a feminine side.

Then I discovered hormones and wanted to start simply to enhance my feminine side (instead of full transition). But I found out you couldn't pick and choose the effects (like having facial changes but no chest growth)... so, I thought about it, and figured I was fine with whatever happened (still not fully comfortable with my growing chest, and I"m at 5 months into hormones haha).

So, I guess I never had the "ah-ha!" moment. I never had a revelation that I was female... I just have a lot of feminine aspects which I like a lot. And now I am getting more physical / mental aspects with hormones, which I also like a lot.

Am a guy? Or a girl? Does it matter?

this is kinda like my story... i grew up feeling like a girl, I liked dolls and the clothes, and the such. But growing up i had no "name" for it so i dismissed it as a phase... then i got a term only recently and now i know who i am... but im scared... most of my friends know (and i came out to them thinking i was gay) and now im looking for stuff like, a doctor who can justifie Estrogen as a medical need.... because i dont think i can pay for it (i dont know how much it costs -_-)

15, for a few weeks then I just thought it was a phase. 16 1/2 it came back stably. Before that I wished I was a girl since I was really young but just accepted that I was a boy.

Hannah,
* For those of you that had this revelation what's your story. Was it earth shattering, did it change the course of your life, was it just a confirmation of what you suspected or something else entirely? *

You use the word REVELATION, I was told EPIPHANY (by shrink), and I had called it a major 'brain-quake' when it finally happened. Actually not so long ago.

It was like a major earth-quake, that had build up tension over decades and when it finally happened it was HUGE. Crushing, earth-shattering, destructive, yet one enormous relieve.
Like something giving birth in my brain.

It also came along with attempts of denial of what had happened, internal arguing, but also the penned up truck-loads of sadness collected over SO many years. Buckets of snot and tears about all the missed, misplaced, misallocated, life as a girl forced to be a boy - from about age 5.

So many unexplainable things just fell into place that I had tried, and tried, to figure out and up to this point really couldn't. Not even therapy, many therapies, years back had dug that up.

When it happened, the earth quake, it was a simple short message: "You are a woman!" Bang. Crazy! But so it is! Oh ->-bleeped-<-! Oh hell... and on.
No more fooling around with complex BS stories, stop it. That's all there is, all there was. So simple, so NUTS!

Of course over time all those little repressed and denied things come up in one's mind, like swamp gas bubbles, all that stuff that was ignored and repressed over and over.

But the initial brain-quake was one big bang in my case, and it seemed very similar to what you have described.

4 weeks later I was Full Time, 2 month later HRT, 15 month later SRS. So much for life changing. Sure can call it that, eh :-)

Axelle

I got into a lot of trouble trying to explain this once:

I never really had a revelation, just dysphoria caused by being transsexual that I needed to address the right way.

Edit: I can only remember fighting to be a boy / man, always fighting. Dumb move.

There was no revelation, only a point of acceptance.  A point when I looked back on 31 years never lived, realizing with horror that I never in my life recaptured the same happiness I felt when I was four years old and my only friend was the girl across the street.  At that young age, I prayed I'd wake up a girl the next day.  I gave up my prayer and religion when I was 13, in large part because my heart's greatest wish didn't come true.

I gave up spirituality.  I gave up dating people I wanted to be with.  I gave up every opportunity to live my life the way I wanted to live it.

My only true revelation was that enough was enough.  Transition wasn't about letting the girl inside of me out, it was about letting me out.  The only memories I have where I can't remember knowing I was female were from the age of 3 when my parents were divorcing.  I'm sure the feeling was there, just suppressed by the torture of lawyers, fighting, know-nothing psychoanalysts, and being yelled at by a judge because I couldn't choose who I wanted to live with.  I have pictures from before the age of 3 that show sides of me that I couldn't put words to until later.  I always knew I was female.  All I had to do was stop fighting myself and let it be.

Quote from: FullMoon19 on September 12, 2011, 07:32:19 PM
i believe girls liking pink is socially conditioned, because well, it's just a color preference. something like dolls, i believe it's the type of play rather than the doll itself. then, the idea of "women wear dresses." "men wear pants." that's definately socially conditioned. the reason why there was a time women were only allowed to wear dresses was because it was considered modest apparel. the feminist movement is what brought women into wearing pants as more functional everyday wear.

Pink being considered a 'girls color' is actually pretty new.

In Western culture, the practice of assigning pink to an individual gender began in the 1920s[12] or earlier.[13] An article in the trade publication Earnshaw's Infants' Department in June 1918 said: "The generally accepted rule is pink for the boys, and blue for the girls. The reason is that pink, being a more decided and stronger color, is more suitable for the boy, while blue, which is more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl."[14] From then until the 1940s, pink was considered appropriate for boys because being related to red it was the more masculine and decided color, while blue was considered appropriate for girls because it was the more delicate and dainty color, or related to the Virgin Mary.[15][16][17] Since the 1940s, the societal norm was inverted; pink became considered appropriate for girls and blue appropriate for boys, a practice that has continued into the 21st century.

Pulled that from Wikipedia for quick reference.

I'll have to think on my eureka moment, But I think, just pulling it from my bad memory, it was when I was watching Disney's The Little Mermaid I wanted to Be like Ariel, with beautiful long red hair and such a beautiful voice... And the  feeling that it was right for me to want that and then I thought I was out of my mind. And so I watched it again and again... But, my Mum has told me that she knew I was crossdressing since I was 11 and I dont think the little Mermaid was available in Germany until I was maybe 12? Then there was the time when I through a huge fit because she wouldnt let me wear a dress. It must have been pretty bad for her to remember that. LOL!

I remember wanting to look and be like a girl as a kid, like some many others. I even told my mom and she helped me. And then for some reason, shame came into my life and I abandoned everything. I spent late childhood up to 17 trying to be as manly as possible.

And then at 17, the simply thought, "perhaps I was supposed to be born a girl", interred my head. I was terrified. I remember sinking into a deep depression over it and the ramifications it implied. I let that fear rule me up until last year when I finally started to take steps to end the misery.

So, for me, I had an epiphany, and I finally got the point of thinking this has to be done, or else I'm dead.

Quote from: A_Dresden_Doll on September 13, 2011, 02:58:49 AM
So, for me, I had an epiphany, and I finally got the point of thinking this has to be done, or else I'm dead.

The Final Epiphany.  I came to the same point, swim to the shore and put on my Bikini...or drown.