Here it goes...

My name is Robin...or at least it's going to be, whether anything happens or not. I don't know why it started happening or when it ever started but at some point I begun to realize that everything in my life - my name, my physical characteristics, etc - only really served to depict the complete opposite of who I am internally. This has been going on just about all my life - I've learned to live with it. It just sort of feels unfair - there are those who are born completely in suit with their mental persona - then there are others like myself who must incase a body whose characteristics are a far distance from the actual person underneath.

I just turned 18. I'll be moving out soon - and I definately want to do something about this. I am a VERY liberal person. I have no problem accepting my trangenderism (if that's a word). It's been a reoccuring theme throughout my life, and my wildest most vivid yet most distanced fantasies. To tell you the truth, when I was much younger I don't think I ever snuck into my room to wear my sister's dresses or walked around in my mother's high heels when she wasn't looking. I didn't act like a girl (for my family's sake) and I'm not attracted to guys. However, I think even my family has begun to realize that there's a person that has been bottled away in me for years that has been dying to break free for over 18 years now. After my first suicide attempt, I struck myself a deal. I'll let myself live...so long as one day, once upon some distant time from now, things will be drastically different - that I'll change. I never wanted to die. I just wanted to murder that guy that stared back at me in the mirror - that guy that I hated so much. Not necessarily me per say. Anyway, I didn't want to appear as some sadistic bastard (too late) but I guess I'm going through a bit of a depression right now, maybe that's why...

anyway, here are the questions (+ statements). I don't want to be a woman - yet at the same time, I don't completely want to be a man either. I want to be both - or in a way, neither. I feel my personality, character and habits do hold a very strong feminine flair, I really appreciate when people mistake me for a girl somehow. However, I don't think I can be too accurate to say that I am 100% woman. More like a mixture...What I'm trying to say is, I don't want my life or persona to be limited to any specific gender, so I'd really just like a gender personality that's specific to me. I know that probably makes absolutely no sense and I really don't have anything prepared to really outline how complicated my feelings are.

I don't want to have a sex change, but I do want some hormonal influence over my body to the point where my physical characteristics can go both ways - much like the name Robin can be used as both a male and female name. I just feel it describes me best. I don't want to lose my ability to reproduce either, but it might come to that unfortunately. I don't know anything about this transgender stuff - what should I do? Where do I start? There are so many thingss out there. Any feedback would be appreciated, thanks. 

Well, all I can say is: Welcome. You sound just like me.

Welcome and hi and hope you get some insight here and make some friends!
Ricki

Quote from: Robin Ellis Harriet on March 03, 2007, 06:43:58 PMI don't want to have a sex change, but I do want some hormonal influence over my body to the point where my physical characteristics can go both ways....

Oh hon, be careful what you wish for, lol. Being "sir'd" by one person then "mamm'd" by the next can really drive you crazy after awhile. You lose your context for the world, ya gotta instinctively wing every interaction and try to figure out what they think you are before you ruin their initial guess... it's crazy, lol. Fun in a way, but tiring too.

Though I suppose for an androgyne this would be *heavenly*

QuoteI don't know anything about this transgender stuff - what should I do?

Just what you're doing: ask questions, read through the forums, look through the Wiki archives, do some internet searching, join some other email lists and forums... question EVERYthing.

Talking these things over with a therapist experienced in these issues is also often helpful.

Kate

Quote from: Kate on March 03, 2007, 11:21:19 PM

Quote from: Robin Ellis Harriet on March 03, 2007, 06:43:58 PMI don't want to have a sex change, but I do want some hormonal influence over my body to the point where my physical characteristics can go both ways....

Oh hon, be careful what you wish for, lol. Being "sir'd" by one person then "mamm'd" by the next can really drive you crazy after awhile. You lose your context for the world, ya gotta instinctively wing every interaction and try to figure out what they think you are before you ruin their initial guess... it's crazy, lol. Fun in a way, but tiring too.

Though I suppose for an androgyne this would be *heavenly*

QuoteI don't know anything about this transgender stuff - what should I do?

Just what you're doing: ask questions, read through the forums, look through the Wiki archives, do some internet searching, join some other email lists and forums... question EVERYthing.

Talking these things over with a therapist experienced in these issues is also often helpful.

Kate

I used to get sir'd and mamm'd both quite a bit between 14-21. 

Seriously talk with a therapist.  I was in a very similar situation to you throughout much of my life.  After a few therapy sessions I opened the floodgates of my life and my image and kinda realized who I was.  If you are even thinking about HRT, therapy is a really good option.  I personally wanted therapy with these issues more than anything recently though.

I would say address these issues now.  The earlier you deal with them, the easier they are to deal with if you are ready to face them.  The truth is at 18, I was far from ready to face what issues I had. 

See if reproducing is your concern...lets put it this way, if you have gender identity disorder, it may be difficult outside of banks.  HRT can basically be the end of reproduction.  I am pretty much asexual and I was told at 19 I should never have kids by my parents.  This had nothing to do with me, but rather some family history.  So reproduction and family legacy, are not even on my or my families radar.  So me being Trans...well its not going to hurt my families feelings in that aspect. 

But if it is on your radar, please consider sperm banking before you start HRT. 

Thanks you guys. I'm still not entirely sure of whether or not I should do this but I have been looking around. How long does the sperm stay alive in the sperm bank. Thanks.

Robin,
I do feel for you.
You said I don't want to be a guy.

QuoteAfter my first suicide attempt, I struck myself a deal. I'll let myself live...so long as one day, once upon some distant time from now, things will be drastically different - that I'll change. I never wanted to die. I just wanted to murder that guy that stared back at me in the mirror - that guy that I hated so much.

Then you said I don't want to be a woman.

QuoteI don't want to be a woman - yet at the same time, I don't completely want to be a man either. I want to be both - or in a way, neither. I feel my personality, character and habits do hold a very strong feminine flair, I really appreciate when people mistake me for a girl somehow.

So you would seem to be an androgyny person. You should check out https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,9148.0.html which is a Androgyne FAQ put together by Ken/Kendra. Also you may want to read many of the other posting in the Androgyne Forum .
I hope this help. And I have to say many of us here have felt neither male nor female for some period in our lives.
Keep asking and sharing Robin.

Jillieann

Quoteanyway, here are the questions (+ statements). I don't want to be a woman - yet at the same time, I don't completely want to be a man either. I want to be both - or in a way, neither. I feel my personality, character and habits do hold a very strong feminine flair, I really appreciate when people mistake me for a girl somehow. However, I don't think I can be too accurate to say that I am 100% woman. More like a mixture...

Hi Robin,

Welcome! I can relate to how you feel. When I first came out as trans, I did RLT for a year plus, then came to the conclusion that although I wasn't a man, I wasn't really a woman either. I'm somewhere in between, both or neither. Even as a child, I was often mistaken for a girl, I  always wanted to say, you're not mistaken  To this day I appreciate that, and when it happens I feel that people are picking up on who I really am despite appearances to the contrary.

QuoteOh hon, be careful what you wish for, lol. Being "sir'd" by one person then "mamm'd" by the next can really drive you crazy after awhile. You lose your context for the world, ya gotta instinctively wing every interaction and try to figure out what they think you are before you ruin their initial guess... it's crazy, lol. Fun in a way, but tiring too.

Though I suppose for an androgyne this would be *heavenly* Wink

Not for this androgyne Kate. I truly hate being sir'ed, it can ruin my day 

zythyra

Quote from: Robin Ellis Harriet on March 03, 2007, 06:43:58 PM
Here it goes...

My name is Robin...or at least it's going to be, whether anything happens or not. I don't know why it started happening or when it ever started but at some point I begun to realize that everything in my life - my name, my physical characteristics, etc - only really served to depict the complete opposite of who I am internally. This has been going on just about all my life - I've learned to live with it. It just sort of feels unfair - there are those who are born completely in suit with their mental persona - then there are others like myself who must incase a body whose characteristics are a far distance from the actual person underneath.

I did feel I was living a hidden and half life. I didnt feel that all of my birth sex was wrong. I was tired of hidden my hidden gender that felt just as apart of me. The other part of me.

Quote from: Robin Ellis Harriet on March 03, 2007, 06:43:58 PM
I just turned 18. I'll be moving out soon - and I definately want to do something about this. I am a VERY liberal person. I have no problem accepting my trangenderism (if that's a word). It's been a reoccuring theme throughout my life, and my wildest most vivid yet most distanced fantasies. To tell you the truth, when I was much younger I don't think I ever snuck into my room to wear my sister's dresses or walked around in my mother's high heels when she wasn't looking. I didn't act like a girl (for my family's sake) and I'm not attracted to guys. However, I think even my family has begun to realize that there's a person that has been bottled away in me for years that has been dying to break free for over 18 years now. After my first suicide attempt, I struck myself a deal. I'll let myself live...so long as one day, once upon some distant time from now, things will be drastically different - that I'll change. I never wanted to die. I just wanted to murder that guy that stared back at me in the mirror - that guy that I hated so much. Not necessarily me per say. Anyway, I didn't want to appear as some sadistic bastard (too late) but I guess I'm going through a bit of a depression right now, maybe that's why...

If you could get rid of that guy entirely, and become fully and completely a woman , would you do it?

Quote from: Robin Ellis Harriet on March 03, 2007, 06:43:58 PM
anyway, here are the questions (+ statements). I don't want to be a woman - yet at the same time, I don't completely want to be a man either. I want to be both - or in a way, neither. I feel my personality, character and habits do hold a very strong feminine flair, I really appreciate when people mistake me for a girl somehow. However, I don't think I can be too accurate to say that I am 100% woman. More like a mixture...What I'm trying to say is, I don't want my life or persona to be limited to any specific gender, so I'd really just like a gender personality that's specific to me. I know that probably makes absolutely no sense and I really don't have anything prepared to really outline how complicated my feelings are.

I don't want to have a sex change, but I do want some hormonal influence over my body to the point where my physical characteristics can go both ways - much like the name Robin can be used as both a male and female name. I just feel it describes me best. I don't want to lose my ability to reproduce either, but it might come to that unfortunately. I don't know anything about this transgender stuff - what should I do? Where do I start? There are so many thingss out there. Any feedback would be appreciated, thanks. 

From what I read you seem a lot like zythyra. There are many kinds of androgynes. That seems more of like your variation from what I read.

HRT would mean loss of reproduction and functionality. Or thats what doctors and therapists will make sure you know before receiving. I dont know the details of how one would save some in a sperm bank or such.

Of course there are none hrt methods of feminization too. Regular plastic surgery such as implants, facial reconstruction, and other surgeries dont affect reproduction. Many women, ts , and some androgynes seeking this route for any physical transformations.

I just asked that question just to make sure that

QuoteI just wanted to murder that guy that stared back at me in the mirror - that guy that I hated so much.

didnt mean you only wanted a female you, and that certain things were holding you back.



Welcome to the boards and look forward to future posts.

Ken/Kendra

QuoteOf course there are none hrt methods of feminization too.

There are even certain foods that enhance the bodies' natural production of estrogen; yams, soy products, etc... pass the tofu please 

zythyra

Hi Robin, Welcome to Susan's.

Reading through this, it sounds like you have been given some good advice.  First of all, ask questions...lots of questions, and just when you think you are starting to figure it out, ask more questions.  Don't be surprised if folks ask you some very pointed questions also.

Therapy is a good thing if you can swing it, and is required, I believe, if you are wanting to go on HRT.

As was stated earlier, HRT is not for everyone.  While I agree with you about wanting to "feminize" my appearance, I also don't want to give up my functioning equipment (old age is doing enough of that on its own), so HRT is not for me.  Zythyra mentioned yams and soy as foods that enhance the bodie's natural production of estrogen...dang, aren't there any foods I like that can help out there???  You know, something like ice cream, cakes, cookies and big juicy steaks??   

From what you mentioned, it sounds like you are in a good starting place, here in the Androgyne section.  Read through a bunch of the posts here and see what things work for you and which ones don't.  Keep in mind that any label you find that looks close is only that, a label that looks close.  None of us fit entirely into the box that a label describes...we just use them to help describe our feelings so other have a place to start understanding and dialogue. 

So, welcome.  Read a lot, ask lots of questions and keep us informed on how things are going in your life.  We're here to help where we can.

......Laurie   

Quote from: zythyra on March 05, 2007, 01:38:55 PM

QuoteOf course there are none hrt methods of feminization too.

There are even certain foods that enhance the bodies' natural production of estrogen; yams, soy products, etc... pass the tofu please 

zythyra

I've got to remember this one come Thanksgiving, when my uncles are indulging themselves.

I can't thank you guys (and this community) enough for how much I've learned just last weekend. There is so much info here - I was on this site pretty much all Sunday. I've decided at the moment that hormonal replacement therapy might not be so necessary in my case. I'm already quite small in physique and my head is already femininely round. In fact, I might be able to pass just with some minor facial reconstructive surgery. Until then, I've got a lot of stuff Im going to read. Thanks again.

Quotenatural production of estrogen...dang, aren't there any foods I like that can help out there???  You know, something like ice cream, cakes, cookies and big juicy steaks?? 

I don't know about steak, but I'd guess that chocolate and desserts of any sort couldn't hurt 

z

Hi Robin, and welcome. There isn't much I can add, but I agree with a lot of what's been said. I figure another voice couldn't hurt. Definitely read a lot of what's on this site, and feel free to chime in on older threads too, not just the newer ones. Therapy might be helpful, it all depends on what you're looking to get out of it. We're here to help if we can, and feel free to bounce ideas off of us.

Quote from: LaurieO on March 05, 2007, 02:33:02 PM
Zythyra mentioned yams and soy as foods that enhance the bodie's natural production of estrogen...dang, aren't there any foods I like that can help out there???  You know, something like ice cream, cakes, cookies and big juicy steaks??  

Well, if you eat some yams and soy, and a lot of cake and ice cream, you may end up with a nice set of moobs.