im really not sure if this is the best place to put this, but i am at a very important crossroads in my life. through an enlightening weekend experience, i laid down and realized that the only way i would ever be 100% happy and content with my life is if i were to become a woman. i wouldnt say this is entirely news, as ever since i have been a small child i have felt this. i would pray to god to wake up as a girl almost every night. but it seems i did it in the back of my head, not really giving it FULL attention. because of my normal upbringing, i have been trying to fit into social/gender norms and have psychologically conditioned myself to appear as manly as possible, when in fact, deep inside...this is not the case at all. i normally felt more comfortable hanging out with girls in school than guys. i have been depressed most of my life, actually, because of this. i was VERY suicidal at a young age. i didnt understand why i was born into a life that i felt completely uncomfortable existing in. i have done drugs since i was a young teen to try to cover-up what i was really feeling inside. 

i know now why i have felt lost all my life. its just that i have been subconsciously trying to ignore and and say "no, i was born a man, so that must be what i am". but unfortunately, its not that easy. finally all the pieces have come together and i know WHY. I know that these feeling are REAL and CANT and SHOULD NOT be ignored any longer. they have almost led to my downfall many times, and i honestly dont want that. i want to live, but living in my current state is just destroying me.

but, now what? i will be 21 in a month, and so i am still rather young. i have been thinking hard for a few days about transitioning, but i know so little about it. i have seen photos of transwomen that look absolutely BEAUTIFUL but also some that still look very manly. how close to bio women can i become? i also dont know if this is the right time yet, as im very frightened(and i suppose i have been for a long while) about losing family or friends. i dont want to be abandoned by those close to me simply because they dont understand/believe how i have felt inside all these years. this is the first time i have come out(albeit on the internet) because i only just recently recognized my problem and am being honest with myself instead of simply trying to tell it to "go away"(does not work  )

sorry this is a long post, but i would very much like some advice and support, as this revelation is/has been driving me nuts.

I understand your thoughts, feelings & fears.

First things first, what country do you live in? If you live in the UK then you have the option of NHS (slow) or private (expensive). If you live in the USA then i'm sure many of our American visitors can advise you much better than me as to what steps you should take.

Regardless of where you are one of the first steps is seeing a phsyciatrist for assesment, dont be afraid & be honest when you see him/her, I was a nervous wreck when I had my first appointment but he was very understanding & soon put me at ease.

My best advice for now is to take some time for research, Susans is a great help & also this site helped me http://www.tsroadmap.com/index.html to get some answers.
It may be an idea to wait for a while before you tell family as they have known you as male for your whole life & may struggle to come to terms with this but some people are fortunate enough to have open minded families, only you can decide when the time is right for them to know.

I wish you all the best, you've taken the first step on a long journey & we will always be here should you have any questions.

Big hugs from Jane

Your experience is very similar to mine except when I finally realized that I could and should transition I had to work out. 4 year relationship. Now I'm 27 and only just getting things going.

The first step is to talk to a therapist (psychiatrist or psychologist). How you go about this depends on where you live. Also, you may talk to a mental health professional and realize that they carry some sort of prejudice or are inexperienced when it comes to gender dysphoria.

Don't let that discourage you, there are plenty of good ones out there too, sometimes you get unlucky.

Hi Lethe, welcome, you are not alone in how you feel, i am glad you realized this at a young age, it is a lot better in my opinion.

Yes, seek help from a professional thay will help to get things started.
Also dont feel frightened or bad, did you know that there are a lot of studies that show the brain of a M to F is like the brain of a girl and not a boy that is one of the reasons we fee this way, you can google transgender brain studies and you will get all the info you need about that.
Aloha from Hawaii

Jennie

Quote from: lethe on September 28, 2011, 02:05:35 PM
im really not sure if this is the best place to put this, but i am at a very important crossroads in my life. through an enlightening weekend experience, i laid down and realized that the only way i would ever be 100% happy and content with my life is if i were to become a woman. i wouldnt say this is entirely news, as ever since i have been a small child i have felt this. i would pray to god to wake up as a girl almost every night. but it seems i did it in the back of my head, not really giving it FULL attention. because of my normal upbringing, i have been trying to fit into social/gender norms and have psychologically conditioned myself to appear as manly as possible, when in fact, deep inside...this is not the case at all. i normally felt more comfortable hanging out with girls in school than guys. i have been depressed most of my life, actually, because of this. i was VERY suicidal at a young age. i didnt understand why i was born into a life that i felt completely uncomfortable existing in. i have done drugs since i was a young teen to try to cover-up what i was really feeling inside. 

i know now why i have felt lost all my life. its just that i have been subconsciously trying to ignore and and say "no, i was born a man, so that must be what i am". but unfortunately, its not that easy. finally all the pieces have come together and i know WHY. I know that these feeling are REAL and CANT and SHOULD NOT be ignored any longer. they have almost led to my downfall many times, and i honestly dont want that. i want to live, but living in my current state is just destroying me.

but, now what? i will be 21 in a month, and so i am still rather young. i have been thinking hard for a few days about transitioning, but i know so little about it. i have seen photos of transwomen that look absolutely BEAUTIFUL but also some that still look very manly. how close to bio women can i become? i also dont know if this is the right time yet, as im very frightened(and i suppose i have been for a long while) about losing family or friends. i dont want to be abandoned by those close to me simply because they dont understand/believe how i have felt inside all these years. this is the first time i have come out(albeit on the internet) because i only just recently recognized my problem and am being honest with myself instead of simply trying to tell it to "go away"(does not work  )

sorry this is a long post, but i would very much like some advice and support, as this revelation is/has been driving me nuts.

First of all, family is only what accepts you. If you step away from hiding the inner self and in doing so are distanced from a person then you are only discovering a distnce that was already there but hidden. When one becomes their true self, that is to say when they behave exteriorly as such, it is then that they find true friends. Perhaps you do not have yet as good a definition of friend as you would like to think?

Second...I will play the skeptic here and ask why it is that you think what you look like has anything to do with what you are?
That is to say if you are a woman you are a woman.
And so i ask why do you feel the need to look like a woman?
As a woman I would be interested in having a male body, and I would use it to do certain (non sexual) things. 

Quote from: Jane on September 28, 2011, 02:42:55 PM
I understand your thoughts, feelings & fears.

First things first, what country do you live in? If you live in the UK then you have the option of NHS (slow) or private (expensive). If you live in the USA then i'm sure many of our American visitors can advise you much better than me as to what steps you should take.

What is NHS?

Quote from: Abstract on October 02, 2011, 01:00:56 AM
What is NHS?

NHS = National Health Service; free medical care in the UK.

Don't worry about "how close to a bio woman" you can become. That part doesn't matter yet, and those fears can hold you back. I stayed in the closet far too long, partly because I didn't think I could ever become a "real" man. Your sanity is paramount. Whether you can pass as female for society is nowhere near as important as whether you can be whole and authentic to yourself.

Don't give up. You matter, your identity matters, and you are not alone.

21 is a lot younger than 57, so don't think you have left it too late by any means.  I am happier than I have been for most of the past 45 years.

As for looks, there will always be cis-women who will be both more and less attractive than you, if you go by the images in the media.  I have found since I have gone full-time and started HRT, that I see the beauty in all women, and the wrapping doesn't bother me nearly as much.

A  good Gender Therapist will be able to help you understand yourself and work through the issues that transition presents to all of us.  Have a great life sister, and enjoy being the woman you always were, but weren't able to show.

Karen.

Quote from: saint on October 02, 2011, 02:49:35 AM
NHS = National Health Service; free medical care in the UK.

For the transgendered? No way? Why isn't everyone moving there...
might not last long though with the way economies are going...

thanks everyone. it does really mean a lot to hear these words from people who understand . i didnt even know this sort of community existed and were this supportive of each other until very recently. i feel a sense of hope for the (distant)future, although i still dont know when my own personal struggle to "correct myself" will begin. it will be difficult. I live in Texas, so that UK health care is way out of my reach. so much to plan and be prepared for!  :O and i can only take baby steps right now.. as for family, they almost completely disowned my sister when she came out as lesbian, so that doesnt bode well. but most of my family are hypocrites and deceivers anyway and i dont care much for most of them. until the world knows, YOU are my new family.

Quote from: Abstract on October 02, 2011, 12:57:04 AM
Second...I will play the skeptic here and ask why it is that you think what you look like has anything to do with what you are?
That is to say if you are a woman you are a woman.
And so i ask why do you feel the need to look like a woman?
As a woman I would be interested in having a male body, and I would use it to do certain (non sexual) things. 

This is something that i did not think would be necessary to explain to the trans community. its something that is very difficult to put properly into words...but generally, even though i feel im supposed to be a woman, seeing my body everyday and knowing that it is not "right" and being aware what my "parts" do to my entire being and my mind really discourages that sense of self to an extreme degree. not only for myself, but for others as well...because what you ARE is as much to do with how you perceive yourself(but this is more important) as much as it does how OTHERS perceive you. it has a negative effect on the psyche, for sure.
i have to learn to love myself, and right now i hate/despise myself.

Hating yourself... Yep. Been there. Hated how I looked, hated how I felt, hated the thoughts, just misserable.
I short one year after HRT, and all of that testosterone is gone, I love myself, deeply and truely. I love my body, I love my mind, Im happy, I giggle... Dont believe me? Go check my recent posts in the happy today thread.

wow good luck on your journey Though i have to say you MtFs have it a lot better than us FtMs in the way of surgery XD
I hope i can figure it out myself! See you on the other side

Quote from: lethe on October 02, 2011, 03:47:05 PM
thanks everyone. it does really mean a lot to hear these words from people who understand . i didnt even know this sort of community existed and were this supportive of each other until very recently. i feel a sense of hope for the (distant)future, although i still dont know when my own personal struggle to "correct myself" will begin. it will be difficult. I live in Texas, so that UK health care is way out of my reach. so much to plan and be prepared for!  :O and i can only take baby steps right now.. as for family, they almost completely disowned my sister when she came out as lesbian, so that doesnt bode well. but most of my family are hypocrites and deceivers anyway and i dont care much for most of them. until the world knows, YOU are my new family.

i imagine your sister will be helpful and understandable.

Quote
This is something that i did not think would be necessary to explain to the trans community.

most here are not as questioning of all things, but i find that either way asking such aids a person in finding themselves and helps them find ways to explain things to others.

Quoteits something that is very difficult to put properly into words...but generally, even though i feel I'm supposed to be a woman, seeing my body everyday and knowing that it is not "right" and being aware what my "parts" do to my entire being and my mind really discourages that sense of self to an extreme degree. not only for myself, but for others as well...because what you ARE is as much to do with how you perceive yourself(but this is more important) as much as it does how OTHERS perceive you. it has a negative effect on the psyche, for sure.
i have to learn to love myself, and right now i hate/despise myself.

I would not hate or despise myself... rather I would suggest thinking of it as recognition of the despising of the body or aspects of it.

The hard part is that the hope of many is at one point or another is to find a way to be the self and not be inappropriately judged, to fit in, but one must go through a transition period which forces one to learn to cope with the opinions of others and learn to disregard such, wherein one does not fit in. Such is a mental growth that is profound and comes down to over coming fears that few in this world ever do. Ending up appearing perfect is possible but then otherwise must be acceptable as well lest one gets the self into a worse position. Personally I have found ways of using and enjoying the body I am in and looking past any discrepancies of how my body is representative of who i actually am. but not all can do that and so it is worth those who need a path to take that path.

Many seek validation but much of the journey is learning that there are many that will only further antagonize you.