hi

i'm 17 almost 18 and when i was 12 i joined an online game as a boy and have continued to pose as one since. when i was younger i dont think gender ever crossed my mind but if you looked at me you would have said i was a boy.. which makes me think i just naturally decided to sign up online as a boy for that reason.

now, i'm not sure if i want to start T because i value the friendships of people i have met online more than anyone i know in person and i want to continue being their friends for the rest of my life and i can't do that as a female. i do see myself as a male but the thing that i question a lot is that i dont have any dysphoria. of course i often wish and hope for a flat chest and penis but i'm not sure if its because i'm so flat chested and only wear sports bras that it doesnt bother me, and that when i am at home and as much as possible when out i wear boys clothes (semi girly tho because i dont want people to look at me and think boy?girl? i want them to look at me and see 1 gender). i also am not that dysphoric on my genitals and i'm not sure if this is because i have looked up a lot of prosthetics and STP's and stuff and found realisitic ones enough.

i have seen a therapist but she did not specalise in gender and pretty much agreed with everything i said and i can't find any others in my area. also, my mum said when i bought this up to her last year that i will always be her 'baby girl' and now everytime i hear my parents say daughter or my girl or something i kinda think in my head like ugh or sighs or something like that.

i guess i also question it a lot and try to think that i should just stay how i am is because i don't want to disappoint my mum or anyone. i wrote a letter to her but i'm not sure when/if i should send it.

what do you think about this?

ALSO, i have read you need a blood test before starting T. i am deathly afraid of needles but willing to get over it for T shots... but the worst of my being afraid is needles going in/near areas that crease, such as back of the knee, and elbow, where they do the actual blood tests. are there other ways to get one such as pricking your finger etc?

Firstly, hi asheh, and welcome to the forum.

It sounds to me like you already know that you're trans and are just uncertain about why exactly you don't feel dysphoric, yes? If so perhaps I can shed a little light. First off, you do have some dysphoria; that recoil you get when your parents call you 'daughter' or such, that it mild dysphoria, and that slight feeling of being ill at ease is what's making you question your gender identity.

When I was younger I was the same as you; I didn't really feel bad about my body, but I always role-played as a boy and chose a male avatar online and such. When I realised I was trans I didn't really mind my body all that much, I mean I didn't like it, but I could probably go on living that way if I really had to. But for me at least, serious dysphoria didn't come until I realised who I was and started taking steps to transition. Now I find that I'm unable to go out without a binder because my chest dysphoria is so bad, and can't take a bath because my body upsets me so much.

This is just me though, and everyone is different. Some people never develop this kind of dysphoria, and go through transition without that driving force anyway, and yet others decide that because they don't feel too bad about themselves that they can go on living as their assigned at birth gender. I believe though that if you think you really are trans, then it's not likely to just go away; you will probably feel this way for the rest of your life, and if you decide not to transition then you may wish strongly when you're older that you had done it at a younger age.

That being said, don't let anyone on this forum tell you to do something you're not comfortable with, it's up to you to decide what's right for you.

They can get blood from anywhere there is a vein, just ask. It's not uncommon to use the back of the hand.

You can also get your testosterone in gel or cream form, you don't need shots.

You don't need to have body dysphoria to be trans.

It's just that the vast majority of us do have it.

Quote from: asheh on October 30, 2011, 08:00:05 AM
hi

i'm 17 almost 18 and when i was 12 i joined an online game as a boy and have continued to pose as one since. when i was younger i dont think gender ever crossed my mind but if you looked at me you would have said i was a boy.. which makes me think i just naturally decided to sign up online as a boy for that reason.

now, i'm not sure if i want to start T because i value the friendships of people i have met online more than anyone i know in person and i want to continue being their friends for the rest of my life and i can't do that as a female. i do see myself as a male but the thing that i question a lot is that i dont have any dysphoria. of course i often wish and hope for a flat chest and penis but i'm not sure if its because i'm so flat chested and only wear sports bras that it doesnt bother me, and that when i am at home and as much as possible when out i wear boys clothes (semi girly tho because i dont want people to look at me and think boy?girl? i want them to look at me and see 1 gender). i also am not that dysphoric on my genitals and i'm not sure if this is because i have looked up a lot of prosthetics and STP's and stuff and found realisitic ones enough.

i have seen a therapist but she did not specalise in gender and pretty much agreed with everything i said and i can't find any others in my area. also, my mum said when i bought this up to her last year that i will always be her 'baby girl' and now everytime i hear my parents say daughter or my girl or something i kinda think in my head like ugh or sighs or something like that.

i guess i also question it a lot and try to think that i should just stay how i am is because i don't want to disappoint my mum or anyone. i wrote a letter to her but i'm not sure when/if i should send it.

what do you think about this?

ALSO, i have read you need a blood test before starting T. i am deathly afraid of needles but willing to get over it for T shots... but the worst of my being afraid is needles going in/near areas that crease, such as back of the knee, and elbow, where they do the actual blood tests. are there other ways to get one such as pricking your finger etc?

None of us can tell you if you are trans or not.  Your best bet is to work these issues out with a therapist.

I agree with the previous posters, only you can figure out your gender identity. If you need to question yourself for a while, then that's cool.

Also, I don't think I ever actually got a blood test to check hormone levels when I started T, so it may not be necessary in every country.

asheh, you sound just like me, lol.

It took me until I was 20 to realize that I am trans.  I started going online when I was about 15 and I always posed as a guy.  I couldn't figure out why.  It's like, I always knew that I wished I could have been born a guy, but I didn't think I was trans.  I thought to be trans meant that you had to be miserable with your body and get nasty surgery to change it. I didn't want to do any of that. 

But I've realized that all that being trans means is that you don't feel quite like the gender you were assigned at birth.  And that's exactly me.

After I accepted that I was trans, I knew I wanted to dress as a male.  but I still didn't know about T and surgery and such.  And, like you, I didn't really have dysphoria about my body.  That really confused me.  I felt fine with my body, I just wanted other people to see me as male. 
However, eventually, I've started to change.  Now, things that are the MOST obviously female about me, like my voice, really bother me.  I feel embarrassed about it.  And I just really want it to be different.  This is when i realized that I want T.

I've also heard many trans people reporting that dysphoria can get worse over time or change over time, so something that maybe didn't bother you, starts to bother you.
and I'm afraid that's going to happen to me.  The more I want to be seen as male and can't, that causes a lot to bother me.

Your story definitely hits some familiar notes. I first started questioning my gender specifically after I began signing up on sites as male saying 'they like me better this way' until I realised that I liked myself better that way. The dysphoria is also something that's familiar--or lack of major dysphoria. I'm generally okay with my chest (as it's thankfully pretty small) and don't see any point in stirring up resentment downstairs.

I think that a lot of people get worried because their certain case doesn't fit in with all of the others but in the end you're the only one who can know if you're trans or not. You sound to me like you are--if not transsexual at least transgendered--but remember that this is your life and very much a personal issue so you're a good base authority on it. My dysphoria also changed like JohnAlex mentioned. I figured I'd be fine waiting to transition but then I got more urgent and impatient and dysphoria seemed to naturally supplement that.

As for staying how you are to not disappoint people... I feel like that's a common worry but it's often one that ends in a later explosion. Late transitions and broken feelings come on pretty strong. I feel like I should be who I am and one thing that upset me about being trans was that I felt no one really knew me. The relationships I had were built on falsehoods. I believe in someone doing what will make them happy in their lives (as long as they are being safe and have back-up plans).

And blood tests and T. I also had a pretty intense fear of needles that has somewhat calmed since T but you will have to get a proper blood test. Because they run several different tests though, they need a fair amount of blood. Nothing like donating blood, but a prick from the finger simply won't do it. It's a good thing to make sure one is healthy both before and under a regimen of hormones. It sucks, yes, but it's nothing you probably couldn't do if you put your mind to it. They don't blood test too often so it's not horrible. 

Thankyou to everyone for taking the time to reply.. I would reply to each individually but I could see that taking over an hour!

I guess I do know that I am trans, but I am just trying to deny it for my parents sake.  As for the blood test.. that is bad news hopefully where I am they won't ask for one, but I highly doubt that. I guess I will have to be brave for 5 minutes.

I'm going to make another thread with a coming out letter and i'll write something before I post it just asking you guys to do something.

Thanks again for all you've all written.

QuoteI feel like I should be who I am and one thing that upset me about being trans was that I felt no one really knew me.

This totally.

All sorts of stuff rolled into that.

Asheh, good luck to ya. Blood tests are no big deal. Mind over matter.