Hi my name is Derek and I'm trans.

I'm FtM and gay and nerdy and have a crippling fear of people. I 'came out to myself' about 3 years ago and haven't been able to do much about it since. I bind and wear my hair short and no longer own a stitch of women's clothing (except a few things I keep shoved in the back of the closet for emergencies). I'm stealth on the internet among people who don't know me in real life, and I've come out to a few people who have been supportive and a few who have not. I'm poor and I'm a parent and life is really complicated. I'm not 'out' in real life. I'm not in any kind of transition yet but want to be. It's complicated.

I've been in (regular) therapy about a month and I'm in a really low point mentally and figure that I probably need some kind of supportive social space. I get in really bad mental spaces and don't want to talk about it.

I like rock/alternative/mashup/whatever music and books and science fiction and video games and I'm on the internet far more than what is healthy. Really these days not much of what I do is healthy. I live in the US but I'm kind of an international nerd and like to talk and learn about other places and most of my internet friends are actually from Britain. I don't really know how that happened. I'm a liberal and I'm a pagan but my mom told me never to talk about politics or religion in polite company. That's actually a lie, my mother never said anything of the sort.

Anyway that's me. I'm gonna lurk a while.

Welcome to the forum, Derek!

We are here to support one another, so do not hesitate to share your problems, worries, frustrations and so on, at your discretion of course

Hi Derek, it's nice to meet you! I live near Boston. I love your "no, I'm lying" approach! I think we're gonna get along just fine! See you around, hugs, Tracey

Welcome Derek! I'm sure you'll find lots of support around here, many that you will likely be able to relate to.

You mentioning being an international nerd got me thinking a little. I live in Belgium, but I think there's about 10 Belgian people I regularly talk to ... and that includes IRL. That's a pretty shockingly low number come to think of it ... why did I never realize this before?

Thank you for the welcome.

@Tracey: I've never been to Boston, but I've read some about it and it's on my list of places I want to visit before I die.

@Lynn: I blame the fact that I mostly live on the internet. Talking to real people is frightening and stressful and online everybody comes together from everywhere.

I can definitely relate to a lot of your introduction. I came out to myself 14 years ago in college, but have mostly lived in the closet in public. I am now in a place in my life that I have decided to start the transitioning process. I am about to come out at work this week to have them change pro-nouns and my name. I have horrific social anxiety and prefer staying home and have as little social interaction as possible. I also have a 2 year old daughter. I am not her biological parent (my ex conceived her during our now ended relationship). I am lucky enough to be "allowed" to remain in her life. We are now working on her calling me "daddy" instead of "mommy". This is a hard and scary process and probably why I put it off for so long.

Welcome Derek...

I certainly can relate to your introduction.   RL chatting is hard.  I have yet to tell anyone in RL how I really feel. 
I have found this place very accepting of everyone.  You should try the IRC chat server   great place to chat in real time

*hugs*
- Zaria

Hi, and welcome to Susans! We have people come to visit us from all over the world, expressing different points of view, and you are likely to find someone to help you along your way Here are some important links and things to ponder as you begin your journey here.

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