(Trans)Friendly, Unsolicited Advice for FTMs in Transition, with female partners: the care and feeding of the relationship.

This is written from the perspective of a cis-gendered female partner of an FTM; feel free to translate, or not, to your situation. I hope I am not offending anyone by offering these points. It's a work in progress, and I am more than happy to get feedback. I'm assuming the relationship is something you want to maintain, as opposed to leave. In other words, you hope to make it through the transition together. This is written from the assumption that your partner is generally supportive of your transition, and that you've talked with her about it together already. It's written from the perspective of a trans ally, someone who has been supportive throughout of her partner's transition, and who helped support him through an exceedingly difficult period of his, and our, lives. Sometimes I put 'family' in quotes, because I want to signal room for all sorts of different types of families of choice.

1.     Though you're in transition, she's in transition too. And if you have kids, they are also transitioning. Almost everything about the transition will recognize you as an individual, not as someone with a 'family,' however you define it. Resist this, unless you plan to ditch your family of choice anyway. Think about what you need, but also think about how to include your partner and kid(s). Find a balance, and talk about it with your partner and kid(s). As much as the transition is something having to do with your body, it will change everything for all of you (well, it probably won't, but it may seem like it will, and that affective aspect is real and needs to be paid attention to). In this way, the transition is more like a pregnancy: only one of the two people give birth to the kid, but it's a period of tremendous excitement as well as physical challenge where BOTH people are involved. In my experience, the medical establishment constructs the transition as an individual project, like a surgery, rather than as a "family" project, like childbirth. [I have been a partner in both types of experiences.] I understand that many transfolk have to fight their families in order to transition, but in some cases—especially in the queer/FTM community, the partners are on board from the beginning. But it's easy to forget about the partners, since pretty much everything about transitioning (from website, to clinics, to support groups, to surgery) will approach you as an individual separate from your partner and kid(s). So you will have to swim against the tide to include your  "family of choice"—however you define it—in this transition. Including your partner and kid(s) all along in your transition, to the extent you can, will be helpful for all of you, and you will probably need to take the lead on this, since almost everything seems to be set up to assume you are doing this on your own. You are, of course, in lots of obvious ways, but you also have a team with you. Recognize and include the team, even if your clinic/doctor/cyber community/support group are a bit slow on the uptake that you're not alone on this journey, on the "family" front anyway.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.  I think this applies not only to straight couples, but others as well.  I definitely think there is such an emphasis on individuality--"it's your body that's transitioning, not your (insert family member here)'s"--that it's easy to forget about the other people in our lives affected by this. 

My transition was prolonged because of my family.  I was young and we fought almost constantly about transitioning.  I put off getting on T and having top surgery to appease my mom.  I didn't tell my extended family until I was already on T.  But I'm glad that I waited, in a strange way.  My relationships are so much better now because I believe they (my mom in particular) realize how much I thought about them in all of this.  They hear about kids (and adults) transitioning with the resistance of their family and end up pushing everyone away.  While I wish I were further along medically, I'm grateful to have their support even if it took several years.

I think what was written applies to medical transition (ex: hormones and surgery) more than social and legal transition. I feel that the experiences of people who are unable or don't want to medically transition are much different and might not be helped by this.

I think that people should have more information on what they can do once the conversation has started and they know this person/people wont reject them outright. Which is what I think this is.

Good advice.  My wife has been and will continue to be wholly involved with the transition process from the beginning to the end.  She supports and encourages me and I can't imagine not including her.  She also attends TG support group meetings with me and was there with me just this Sunday at the TDOR ceremony.

Thanks for your feedback, guys. I appreciate Nygeel's comment about medical transition, and that makes sense to me. I don't want to set up, accidentally, any sort of assumptions about what transition is, since it varies so widely, so I will make some more specific references there.

I find it interesting that Kruezfidel assumes I am straight, and Adio refers to his wife. My partner and I don't consider ourselves straight; we think of ourselves as queer. And though we are legally married as a same-sex couple (no longer a same sex couple, obviously, but still married), neither of us uses the word 'wife.' Not to critique others' choice about this, but it does seem like FTMs hooked up with cis-gendered women, even if they came out of the queer community, use the word 'wife. And assume 'straight'. Just pondering...

i think "the" transition processes on the one hand, and people on the other hand, are so different that general assumptions can not (should not?) be made. I haven't met anyone who was in a relationship during their transition who didn't let their partner be a part of the transition. So I would think it is rare.

Just because someone, somewhere, has felt left out, doesn't mean other partners feel that way.  If the topic becomes so big it consumes everything else, if every second conversation addresses the transition, then that's problematic as well.

It is my belief that most FTMs who transition are very grateful for their partners' support, and most likely put some thoughts into what their transition means for their partner. It is also my belief that when an FTM calls his female partner "wife" or "girlfriend", that these terms have been agreed upon by the two.

Quote from: helios502 on November 23, 2011, 09:20:37 AM
I find it interesting that Kruezfidel assumes I am straight, and Adio refers to his wife. My partner and I don't consider ourselves straight; we think of ourselves as queer. And though we are legally married as a same-sex couple (no longer a same sex couple, obviously, but still married), neither of us uses the word 'wife.' Not to critique others' choice about this, but it does seem like FTMs hooked up with cis-gendered women, even if they came out of the queer community, use the word 'wife. And assume 'straight'. Just pondering...

I'm really not sure what you're talking about here.  I never mentioned the word "wife" in my post.  The only four mentions of "wife" on this page include the ones in your post and Kreuzfidel's mention of his wife.  So...I'm sorry that I somewhat implied your relationship to be a straight one.  Even though I didn't mention it in reference to your relationship, just that your advice could apply to straight couples (usually seen as female/male couples) as well as other couples.  Especially considering you addressed this advice to a wider audience (female partners of trans men) than your own relationship.

To the OP, you confused Adio and I with what we actually posted.  And that's awesome if you and anyone else choose to refer to your partner as you like, but for me personally I am a hetero male who has never been involved with the queer community and I married my wife in a non-legal ceremony last year.  As we both consider the terms "husband" and "wife" applicable to ourselves as a means of recognising our commitment to one another, emotionally, physically and spiritually, I don't quite see the relevance in your pointing out my use of terminology, but meh.  Thanks for sharing.

Points well taken, all! Thanks for your feedback. I really appreciate it. best, Helios

I guess I have a bit of a different take on the extent SOs and other family members (excluding young children/teens) should be considered during the course of the transition. I think that the reason many family members/SOs end up having to "adjust" to a transition is because of the nature of the society we live in. It's a society that's pretty heavily skewed to a certain understanding of what is "normal," and what "sex" is. I think that social understanding that is bred into us since childhood is something that needs to be changed. I also think it's a tremendous stressor on many trans people who are not only forced to grow up with society telling them they are the opposite sex (or another sex) than that which they truly are, but then are often told to consider the feelings of family members/SOs when they do try to take the big step of deciding to come out and live as their true self. I guess I don't see it as all that fair, that we were already forced to live a large chunk of our lives in the incorrect sex society assigned to us, and that its even more unfair to continue to be haunted by that during the transition point.

I understand wanting to maintain ties with potentially supportive family/SOs. However, I don't think that the major decisions of transition should be made around the feelings of family/SOs (again, with the exception of those who already have young children/teenagers). It continues to make being trans sound like a burden to all around us, that there is something wrong with us specifically rather than with the society that has created the circumstances that forced us to wait until adulthood to be ourselves (that many of us had to hide throughout life, entering into relationships as the sex society told us to be) or that it would be seen as something difficult to adjust to by our family members/society around us. It just seems like the burden is always placed on us, and I do believe we need to be a little bit more selfish.

Hi--I agree with you Berserk, actually. It's all about transphobia. And of course it's hugely stressful to transition. I also agree that it's fundamentally the decision of the transitioning person to transition. I don't personally agree that anyone has the right to tell someone else what to do with their body. I certainly would never have stood in the way of my partner transitioning. That said, it does sort of suck when major decisions are not discussed with you, but instead simply announced as in 'I am going to have chest surgery,' or "I'm starting T.' Of course it's the transguys' 'right' to do this--its their body. But if a transguy wants to minimize the damage to the relationship, I think it's important to include the partner in at least a discussion. Such as 'Honey, I've been thinking it might be time to consider chest surgery. What do you think? How do you feel about that?' Just saying. This sense of inclusion is very important for partners, even if it might be tedious and annoying for transguys. One wouldn't just say 'I'm moving to Cleveland' without discussing it, right? But the problem is transphobia. Since there can be such shame and guilt around changing sex, I think sometimes transguys just announce, because they are feeling freaked. At least that's been my experience. We're still together, btw, after 14 years. But so much of the emotional damage about HOW the transition happened was frankly not exactly necessary, if my partner had not felt so much shame and anxiety over wanting to make this change. And that's about transphobia, to be sure.

I think ever relationship has to approach the transition in a way that works for them.   My wife was not excited for me to transition.  She is a lesbian and did not want folks to see her as a hetrosexual couple.  She doesn't like a man's body or its smell.  We spent 8 months in counseling and negotiating things.  I let her proceed at her own pace.  I love her and she loves me -- so I put off medically transitioning until recently when she was ready.

That being said we have a transgender son who started medically transitioning two years ago.  She has been a fierce advocate and supporter for him -- after a period of adjustment.  However, having a partner transition is completetly different. 

She still considers herself a lesbian and I am okay with that.  I also say I am queer b/c I don't want to be called hetrosexual.

I think the main thing you have to do is communicate communicate communicate