I have finally got to the point where I am fairly confident of who I am.

Changing legal documentation seemed to help progress things better. In all honesty what had pushed my progress of my transition more was the fact I was being accepted as a woman while presenting a man or at best androgynous. When I was andro I made sure I never wore any jewelry or anything too feminine. The only thing somewhat girly was my pony tail which I didn't feel was to girly.

9-10 months ago the at times I would try to present more as a woman, I was very self conscious and had anxiety. This was strange cause I use to present as a CD for many years. This time was so much different, I now was becoming who I knew I was and was petrified for anyone to think otherwise. I could go to a hardware store or even a junk yard looking pretty scruffy yet be gendered female. Then 8 hours later add just a few girly things and seem to get "looks". I wasn't dressed in a frilly dress with huge earrings just casual chic. I know many of the looks I got were in my head but it was a tough time.

Forward 10 months. I havn't been gendered male in any presentation including phone unless I let it be known my name or that I was born male. Many times I would be gendered female even after knowing my very manly name. That pushed me even further to go fulltime.

Here I am today, still have some insecurities at times but overall I am just me. I still have to present somewhat of a man at times (long story) but I'm not sure why I even try. Like I mentioned having legal documentation does help but more in a way of confirmation then a passing thing. I don't think much of passing, I'm just me. I still think at times people wonder but then I talk and this usually relaxes any suspicion.

Now to why I posted.

I now feel I'm back 10 months ago maybe even 14 months, just because of one stupid look from a 11-13 year old girl. I was at a store doing some late night Christmas shopping. I wondered around quite a bit chatted with maybe one or two people, it was just an ordinary shopping trip. I was going up to the check out I noticed some gloves on sale I went over to look their was a lady my age we glanced at eachother, then her daughter comes out from behind an end cap. she looks at me and has the strangest look on her face. I know damn well what she thought. I have no f***** idea why though. I then went to the checkout and there was another lady with her daughter, they gave me a look too but I think I was now over thinking things.

I'm home now and feel like I did a year ago. Who the hell am I fooling!! I have too appointments tommorow I don't even want to go, I'm sure they'll give me some weird look as well. The thing is I had never had a young girl look at me like that, the ones that seem to notice something were always gay men.

I hate this little girl!!! she has put me back where I thought I wouldn't be. This life sucks!!!

take comfort from the knowledge that one day soon you will be just an invisible older person to these teens.

Shelly,

We all get looks. GG get looks. Woman look at woman all the time. I have heard teens say to their Mum, look at that fat lady Uggg. Look at that pretty lady. Teens are totally mentally unstable. Teen boys are obvious in it, but teen girls are the same they just act differently.
I would not take a seconds worth of notice.  I get looked at and I smile back or ignore them, or look at them as if they have snot dripping down their face. Whatever.

Never let these people get to you. Never.

You have every single right to be you, don't let anyone take that from you. Confidence woman, confidence. Keep it. These challenges make us stronger not weaker.

Go to your appointments tomorrow with the full satisfaction that Shelly is going to them and enjoy them.

Remember when in doubt: I am Shelly hear me ROAR.

Go girl go

Cindy

Everyone gets looked at. You can tell by the looks if they are good or bad by the reactions. Most of the time we over react, but most of the time people don't care or nothing is wrong or might/might not find us attractive. You never know whats going on in someones head...Unless it's the clocking stare or anything else.

Then again, I haven't seen your pic.

I've gotten that at times too and I used to let it get to me, but these days, I figure, heck, they could be looking that way for a number of reasons and even if they have clocked you, who cares?  The worst they can do is cause a few unpleasant moments while in your presence, after that, any further damage is something you have to actually allow.  It took me a while to get to that point and starting work again after 4.5 years of being unemployed brought a number of extremely apprehensive moments, but they move to the past as fast as they happen. 

I wasn't there, so this is from your descriptions.

Girls from about 11 till late teens are mostly, incredably insecure about themselves and their own appearances. They worry that their breasts are not the same size, that their bottoms are too big, that they are fat/thin, everything.

They give those looks to anyone who, from their perspective, doesn't seem to have the same problems.

In many ways, adolescence for Gfemales os worse than for Gmales. Boys seem, to them, to be strong, moody and possibly violent. Few Ggirls think they can survive that. Ggirls get pregnant. They all worry about getting a reputation for desperate promiscuty.

It's just a suggestion, but perhaps you can view young Ggirls with the same sympathy and expressions of support that you would to a preSRS girl of that age?

I went to my appointments but I wore my hair up. It seems in the past I seem to get looks if I wear it down, even though I have had almost all the gg's tell me I look good with it down. I even questioned a girlfriend and asked her; would someone complement my hair when not asking, if it didn't look good? She said most woman wouldn't say anything if they didn't like it. So I don't know?

I was way past feeling insecure about any looks I may have gotten. I was getting to the point that if I got a weird look I figured it was because my hair was a mess or maybe something in my teeth. I wasn't worrying too much about if they thought I was trans. For some reason that one look last night devastated me. All day today I felt like I had the words circus freak written on my head. Its not that I got any weird looks, its just I felt so much like a freak!

My sister is suppose to come by, maybe that will help. I really don't even want to see anyone!! I want to go back in my hole like I was a year ago. Why the hell is this happening now??

Hi Shelly,

pretty much everyone tried to explain how teenage girls are and how these looks don't mean anything.

But, how about accepting that after all the years we spent living as male there will be always something about
us that will remain rather male regardless of how well we present ourselves.
For instance male rotator cuffs develop differently than female ones during the puberty and no amount of muscle loss or any surgery will ever change that.

This is what happened to me once. After about 6 months of not once being mis gendered 2 days in a raw I was referred to as he or called sir.
Once at the library and once while I was getting my flue shot. It freaked me out totally as I just couldn't figure out what was I doing differently or
how did I present myself for this to happen. The lady at the library apologized after viewing my ID and I think I didn't take the apology as gracefully as I could have.

It hasn't happen since but I decided I will just correct people politely and accept the apology.
Keep in mind you don't have other people under control but you can decide how you are going to react to any given situation.
If anything this experience you had is rather giving you a feedback as how well have you accepted yourself.

best!

I'm right where you are.  I stopped my transition because I wasn't passing too.  Now I'm moving on with my life and making plans to have FFS.  I don't really know what to say.  This is never easy.  No matter how much you hear you're gorgeous or you're pretty and all of that, someone will see you and give you that stare and we all know what that stare means.  Passing is very, very hard, and we all tell each other we pass and a lot of us really do not.  Some of us live by the philosophy that I am what I am and that is special and unique and so what if I don't pass 100%.  Some of us don't have that courage and some of us are just too damn scared to go out there.  I think we're all very protective of the women inside of us and when we finally get the courage to go out of our houses all dressed up, we're scared to death that someone's going to say something.  My advice to you is that life is too short and you should be who you are, and continue with your plans.  Change your makeup, have FFS, wait and see if the estrogen does anything more, just don't give up.  I think to get to the day when nobody gives us that stare anymore, we have to wait for it.  In the meantime, we just let them ->-bleeped-<-ing stare and that's all we can do.

Quote from: sysm29 on December 15, 2011, 06:21:07 PM
I'm right where you are.  I stopped my transition because I wasn't passing too.  Now I'm moving on with my life and making plans to have FFS.  I don't really know what to say.  This is never easy.  No matter how much you hear you're gorgeous or you're pretty and all of that, someone will see you and give you that stare and we all know what that stare means.  Passing is very, very hard, and we all tell each other we pass and a lot of us really do not.  Some of us live by the philosophy that I am what I am and that is special and unique and so what if I don't pass 100%.  Some of us don't have that courage and some of us are just too damn scared to go out there.  I think we're all very protective of the women inside of us and when we finally get the courage to go out of our houses all dressed up, we're scared to death that someone's going to say something.  My advice to you is that life is too short and you should be who you are, and continue with your plans.  Change your makeup, have FFS, wait and see if the estrogen does anything more, just don't give up.  I think to get to the day when nobody gives us that stare anymore, we have to wait for it.  In the meantime, we just let them ->-bleeped-<-ing stare and that's all we can do.

Hormones aren't magic. Work on your presentation more. Presentation and the "illusion" account for a helleva a lot more than any pills.

Quote from: sysm29 on December 15, 2011, 06:21:07 PM
I'm right where you are.  I stopped my transition because I wasn't passing too.  Now I'm moving on with my life and making plans to have FFS.  I don't really know what to say.  This is never easy.  No matter how much you hear you're gorgeous or you're pretty and all of that, someone will see you and give you that stare and we all know what that stare means.  Passing is very, very hard, and we all tell each other we pass and a lot of us really do not.  Some of us live by the philosophy that I am what I am and that is special and unique and so what if I don't pass 100%.  Some of us don't have that courage and some of us are just too damn scared to go out there.  I think we're all very protective of the women inside of us and when we finally get the courage to go out of our houses all dressed up, we're scared to death that someone's going to say something.  My advice to you is that life is too short and you should be who you are, and continue with your plans.  Change your makeup, have FFS, wait and see if the estrogen does anything more, just don't give up.  I think to get to the day when nobody gives us that stare anymore, we have to wait for it.  In the meantime, we just let them ->-bleeped-<-ing stare and that's all we can do.

I don't want to sound like I'm all that! but passing is not my worry. I pass at times when I'm not even presenting female. I have no intentions on stopping my transition,even if it was a no pass.

This one look I got was just so unexpected and my reaction to it was just as unexpected. Many times I expect to get a look here and their and usually I don't, if it happens, it does bother me a bit but never like it did this time. I had gone from starting to feel much more relaxed about myself too feeling like I'm playing an act.

I have transitioned so I can be "me" not someone trying to pass as a female. I felt like that many times at first and I still do at times but was I getting better. I became more insecure about myself after this incident. I finally told myself "who cares" I decided this weekend to wear hair down, style it a bit and probably dressed too young for my age. Actually got some looks from men, maybe I'm on to something

Quote from: Just Shelly on December 19, 2011, 12:24:05 AM
I don't want to sound like I'm all that! but passing is not my worry. I pass at times when I'm not even presenting female. I have no intentions on stopping my transition,even if it was a no pass.

This one look I got was just so unexpected and my reaction to it was just as unexpected. Many times I expect to get a look here and their and usually I don't, if it happens, it does bother me a bit but never like it did this time. I had gone from starting to feel much more relaxed about myself too feeling like I'm playing an act.

I have transitioned so I can be "me" not someone trying to pass as a female. I felt like that many times at first and I still do at times but was I getting better. I became more insecure about myself after this incident. I finally told myself "who cares" I decided this weekend to wear hair down, style it a bit and probably dressed too young for my age. Actually got some looks from men, maybe I'm on to something

like, a lot!

Actually you spoke my mind. i go as well through these waves of questions if I am just being myself or am I trying too hard to make sure I pass as female.
The way I see it is I have to try few things out and then see how it feels since I didn't have a chance to experiment when I was teenager.
So I end up going over board at times just to come back and figure, "no this wasn't really me, I'm not doing this again".

It makes me happy you recovered!