I thought "about time, now maybe I'll finally fit in". Obviously it wasn't what I expected.

puberty was really hard. i was dreading it before it even came. i remember for a year or 2 before i went thru it i would fear my period coming and chest growing. i was so scared to have my body change. i didnt know why at the time, but it made me sick thinking about it. i wasnt sure at all why i was so scared at that point in time. i always knew i was different from the girls and didnt want to become a woman. it was the scariest thought eever.

Depressed,ugly and jealous of girls tbh.(still am.. )

I had worse things going on so I was most of the time too preoccupied to worry about it but I hated it nonetheless. I mainly hated my voice changing and getting facial hair (two things I STILL loathe btw). I had kinda already figured out it would happen eventually too so it wasn't shocking just miserable.

I hated the hair. I just kept shaving it until I decided to give up. I might shave it for the first time in 6 years this week

- Keri Allison

X8^

I did not know that I could be a woman at that age so I did not reflect on it too much. Although I hated that my voice became dark and when the hair came it was like *please kill me* I hated it. But I really tried to be as much as a man that I could, pumped up my muscles and all that just to "hide" the female in me.

I was very angry, more than what is healthy and I did some things that I am not very proud of. I was totally out of control and that was because I hated myself and everyone more than anything. It was when I got badly wounded that my life turned to the better and I started to understand what was wrong with me.


But it took me 11 years to finally take the big step.

Eh, I found bodily hair somewhat disgusting but didn't care much about the voice change.  At the time of puberty, I was happy being a boy and had no knowledge of transsexualism.

I remember not understanding why my mom forced me to do so many "things that girls do" things, such as: shaving, applying make-up and plucking my facial hair. I hated it! I was also becoming really aware of my genitalia even though I didn't get my period until I was 14. I was so ashamed of my body, I knew it was off. All I wanted was to be a pretty boy, but my mom wouldn't let me be me. :/ When I was dating my first boyfriend I was so dysphoric, anything sexual would cause dysphoria.

Blah. Bad years.

suicidal

This is one of the few memories I have  confidence in.
My memory is clear, and my initial reactions have never entirely left.
I felt embarrassed & envious.
Embarrassed by my emotions & the manifestation of those emotions, and envious of all the girls who seemed on the one hand suddenly different, and on the other hand so attractive.
I have a definite memory of wishing I could be one of the young girls. I can remember the young girls experimenting with make up & and wishing I could experiment right along with them. I can remember them checking the young boys out seemingly at the same time preening for them, and laughing at them.
They seemed wonderful, and were a perfect contrast to the grotesque way I viewed myself.

I just started puberty again. Wheee.

I cried a lot.

Ohh, I just understood your post I think, Felix. You started T today?

Quote from: Caseyyy on December 19, 2011, 06:13:58 PM
I cried a lot.

Ohh, I just understood your post I think, Felix. You started T today?

I started T last week. It is interesting.

I didn't see the update on that! Congratulations! 

Quote from: Caseyyy on December 20, 2011, 05:19:31 AM
I didn't see the update on that! Congratulations! 

Thank you!

And I cried a lot too during my first puberty. I was (melo)dramatic about it, and thought I'd been abandoned by god. It was a time of bad poetry and not a lot of sleep.

the thing is, i never ended up going through a male puberty the first time. i started anti androgens when i was close to 18. my voice remained female pitched, i had a tall lanky stature, feminine bone structure. i had some partial breast development, and i had hips as well.  the growth spurt and excessive facial/body hair was what i hated about myself. i also have broad shoulders, but my frame is all large. my shoulders and hips are equal, so it's not the end of the world, but i felt cruddy about myself alot of my life. people were bad to me, and some were trying to be nice. the thing is, i just had loads of anxiety about an impending puberty when i was about 11/12. i feared the hell out of it, but i didn't really have to go through with it, so someone must've been watching over me 

I'm really beginning to realize how much I hate Maury/Tyra/Dr. Phil/Anderson Cooper Show kids who get put on Anti-Androgens at like age 10-21. Not fair. At all. Also not fair that say, you lined 10 guys in my 7th grade year in a row, I was the hairiest, haggard-est, acne-ridden one there was. Also, I'm starting to think it's pretty gay how many people on this thread had no clue they were Trans during middle school, when I knew when I was like 5, and hated anything biologically manly (body-wise) since then. And people tend to accuse me of not knowing what I'm talking about and being stressed about nothing, when half the Trans people on here were so religious and in denial that they spent years playing football and loving manhood. No wonder half the people on this entire forum enjoy being haggard, manly looking women, they liked being men too! Therapists who say "It doesn't matter that you have leg hair and look like Fred Flinstone, you're a special flower so you're special!" are right down their alley because they don't even have a clue what women in the real world are like, nor want to find out! They love living in their own little world they created when they suddenly turned 35 and are content with that, and then refuse to support or give empathy toward any Transperson who knows they want a more realistic womanhood about their life.

But I'm just ranting because I'm so tired of being unable to afford to fly to the nearest non-RLE clinic (Kansas City, states away), a $1,000 trip (if the clinic will even accept someone out of state). I wish, like a hundred diseases in this country, HRT was coverage by any old regular insurance plan without the hell of RLE; makes me extremely jealous of the kids who have parents who pay for everything about their transition, when my parents gave my sister $50,000 as a graduation present and spent not one red dime on anything to do with my life, which is why I now live in poverty; I was never given a car by any dead relative, I never lived in any public transportation route as a kid (no job), and I managed to sell enough of my stuff when I moved out to be able to afford poverty payments in bumville. Sucks. It's not fair. And if life truly wasn't fair, black people would still be slaves. So I refuse to be happy about literally being a slave to the population and government as well. Pregnant black women get more financial help than me. Not at all fair.

Quote from: R&T-Place on December 23, 2011, 03:51:58 AM
I'm really beginning to realize how much I hate Maury/Tyra/Dr. Phil/Anderson Cooper Show kids who get put on Anti-Androgens at like age 10-21. Not fair. At all. Also not fair that say, you lined 10 guys in my 7th grade year in a row, I was the hairiest, haggard-est, acne-ridden one there was. Also, I'm starting to think it's pretty gay how many people on this thread had clue they were Trans during middle school, when I knew when I was like 5, and hated anything biologically manly (body-wise) since then. And people tend to accuse me of not knowing what I'm talking about and being stressed about nothing, when half the Trans people on here were so religious and in denial that they spent years playing football and loving manhood. No wonder half the people on this entire forum enjoy being haggard, manly looking women, they liked being men too! Therapists who say "It doesn't matter that you have leg hair and look like Fred Flinstone, you're a special flower so you're special!" are right down their alley because they don't even have a clue what women in the real world are like, nor want to find out!

But I'm just ranting because I'm so tired of being unable to afford to fly to the nearest non-RLE clinic (Kansas City, states away), a $1,000 trip (if the clinic will even accept someone out of state). I wish, like a hundred diseases in this country, HRT was coverage by any old regular insurance plan without the hell of RLE; makes me extremely jealous of the kids who have parents who pay for everything about their transition, when my parents gave my sister $50,000 as a graduation present and spent not one red dime on anything to do with my life, which is why I now live in poverty; I was never given a car by any dead relative, I never lived in any public transportation route as a kid (no job), and I managed to sell enough of my stuff when I moved out to be able to afford poverty payments in bumville. Sucks.

I realise this is a rant.. But don't take your issues out on other people.. We all travel our own paths to get here..

Oh P.S. I didn't mean that rant toward FullMoon cuz it makes me so happy when REAL people are able to accomplish what they want to do, but those Maury show kids who's parents literally give them everything really do make me plain jealous! I don't dislike them, they're very lucky, but still, it's not fair that our government has the motto of "Well, its up to the parents to do the right or wrong thing for their children, even though we have healthcare and abuse laws that we never enforce unless some kid practically crawls to school with cuts and bruises."

R&T-Place (don't know a real name to call you by, so I'll use this), just read through this thread and I have to say that I know exactly what you're talking about (though I'd probably express it in a different way! ). Right now, I'm struggling with the idea of even trying to transition, one because my therapist is HUGE on RLE, and I just want to be the girl I'm supposed to be, without the "large-dude-in-a-dress" phase. Just watched a thing about the pop-star who was one of the youngest people to undergo SRS (can't remember her name at the moment). She went on anti-androgens at 12 or so and developed perfectly normal for a girl. I must say, she's actually pretty attractive. Then I go look in the mirror, and that's one of the hardest things I can do when I'm thinking about transition. The amount of money it would cost to get me to be halfway decently looking like I should would be ridiculous. That, and even if I could afford HRT, FFS, and SRS, I'd still be a 6'2" girl who doesn't feel like she belongs in her body which at that point has become a costume trying to play a part in the world that mirrors the inside. It hurts, a lot of the time.

That being said, I'm totally jealous of the girls that get on HRT and such at early ages. Makes me wish "if only", but I'm extremely happy for them!

On topic... during puberty, I was unconscious. Just letting the world take me where it will with an unnamed hole in my chest. I started masturbating because the other guys were talking about it and I thought "Hey, that must be something I'm supposed to be doing." So I tried it, it was awful, and it rarely is not. Sorry if that was too much, just some things I've been thinking about and I like to vent here to maybe get some input from all you wonderful people