I was in complete denial - these changes weren't happening - it felt like it was happening to somebody else. When I had an erection, it was like seeing some other guy's erection. My imaginary world where I was a girl along with the cognitive dissonance from reality was the only way I somehow survived before transition.

Awkward as heck, but just in the general way. I had no clue about even the concept of being transgendered then; very conservative and religious. I never much cared for my bits, really; ugly and messy and all that. So I was always awkward and didn't much care for it, I just never knew exactly why. Now I am pretty sure.

All I know is I hated/hate my voice and try to keep it high, but other than that I never cared.... I wonder if it has to do with the fact that (I think) I identify as a lesbian? I mean, being straight in my current body must have at least made it feel more normal. But I definitely did not have a strong reaction like all of you, and if you'd take a look at my intro thread, you'll see why that worries me....

my male puberty I think began when I was 14 and went on until I went on HRT 10 months ago. It was just pure hell! and it wasn't just through my teen years. I don't think my voice really broke. Remember when your voice broke? how it kind of went high-pitched and squeaky and back down? mine still does that. I had acne until I started HRT. I mean when you drop off your children at high school and have to sign them in because they were late and the secretary asks YOU who's class you're in, it's pretty bad! Then there was the time I took a bath and screamed when I discovered hair on my chest. I think I was on the phone with my [then] fiancee when that happened.  But I just remember how much anger I had at the world for what was happening. I would run away from home [down the street a few blocks away], lash out at my parents and I just didn't know what I was and why I was so full of hatred and anger and why I didn't feel like I was a boy.

My 2nd one is going better. its been full of tears, no anger at the world or hatred for the changes my body is going through.

Awkward and weird.
First, I was content with some changes. I loved my hair... I mean, my armpit hair and pubic hair - because all books on puberty said that is normal on female body too. I was kind of... proud. So at the age of 12-13, I started to wear some more girls' clothes than before. (I had worn boys' clothes we got from my mother's collegaues.)
Boat-neck tops, flare-leg jeans, sometimes a skirt... (Sadly, I had a retro appearance because I didn't have a clue what to wear but my mother and her aunt gave me clothes...) I didn't like my monthly cramps but it meant changes. "And changes mean that soon I'll turn to be an adult!" - I thought.
But soon everybody told me that I couldn't be a girl unless my moves are not girlish. In these clothes I was always sitting, standing, jumping... not a complete boy, but absolutely not as a girl should. And my classmates started to tell me (just for fun) that being hairy is not sexy. It's male-privilege. "You should shave it or hide it. You're not a girl. You even don't act like a girl."
I collected some photos of the last 6 years... I waited for my hair growing long then cut it back... over and over. I bought female clothes, kind of unisex ones... and a group spit on me on the street yelling "little ->-bleeped-<-!".
And I only wore large, one-coloured T-shirts because I could easily hide my hairy arms, armpits... The funny-sad thing is that I don't know my bra-size because my mother never come with me to buy one. Never. I used nothing. Yeah, they are small. I started to feel that I'm not a complete woman... neither body nor mind. Classmates called me "that/it" - others tried to make nicknames from my female name and sometimes "helped" me by telling me if my moves were boyish.
It was a nightmare. After all since then I've felt like a neutral-gendered teenage boy or what. Still puberty..?
I hate that all people want to understand only this or that. No other. Ffuu... binary system. I didn't fit in as a teenager. Neither recently... but much better wearing clothes that I want to.

Quote from: Andris on December 28, 2011, 03:17:27 PM
Awkward and weird.
First, I was content with some changes. I loved my hair... I mean, my armpit hair and pubic hair - because all books on puberty said that is normal on female body too. I was kind of... proud. So at the age of 12-13, I started to wear some more girls' clothes than before. (I had worn boys' clothes we got from my mother's collegaues.)
Boat-neck tops, flare-leg jeans, sometimes a skirt... (Sadly, I had a retro appearance because I didn't have a clue what to wear but my mother and her aunt gave me clothes...) I didn't like my monthly cramps but it meant changes. "And changes mean that soon I'll turn to be an adult!" - I thought.
But soon everybody told me that I couldn't be a girl unless my moves are not girlish. In these clothes I was always sitting, standing, jumping... not a complete boy, but absolutely not as a girl should. And my classmates started to tell me (just for fun) that being hairy is not sexy. It's male-privilege. "You should shave it or hide it. You're not a girl. You even don't act like a girl."
I collected some photos of the last 6 years... I waited for my hair growing long then cut it back... over and over. I bought female clothes, kind of unisex ones... and a group spit on me on the street yelling "little ->-bleeped-<-!".
And I only wore large, one-coloured T-shirts because I could easily hide my hairy arms, armpits... The funny-sad thing is that I don't know my bra-size because my mother never come with me to buy one. Never. I used nothing. Yeah, they are small. I started to feel that I'm not a complete woman... neither body nor mind. Classmates called me "that/it" - others tried to make nicknames from my female name and sometimes "helped" me by telling me if my moves were boyish.
It was a nightmare. After all since then I've felt like a neutral-gendered teenage boy or what. Still puberty..?
I hate that all people want to understand only this or that. No other. Ffuu... binary system. I didn't fit in as a teenager. Neither recently... but much better wearing clothes that I want to.

*hugs*

i felt the most depressed and suicidal.  Extra flesh was growing on my chest, Aunt Flow introduced herself to me and I wasn't happy about it.  No one understood me and I felt so alone.  Realizing that I'm trasngendered it helped me realized "oh wow....so that's why I hate my life...."

I hated it.  I didn't want to have to wear a bra and omg the periods.  That was the worst part.   Every I started my period I would sit on the toilet and pray to god that my period would be over as soon as possible.

Andy8715, mine was bad too.  First I got lumps on my chest and my mom took me to get a bra.  I hated it and wouldn't wear it, only when she insisted that I do.  It wasn't until about a year later and I could feel them bounce that I wore one most of the time.  I had always played with the boys and this made me different from them.  Bleeding from my bottom was even worst having to wear a pads that you could always feel and know it was there.  My mom kept telling me that I was a young lady now, I never wanted to hear that.  When I was in 8th grade found out about tampons and how grea they were.  I could put one in and forget about having a mess down there for hours at a time.  I still think today I want a total hyster before top surgery as I hate that time of the month so much.  Maybe starting t will help.

hell!
I did not understand why I wanted to be a woman, and my body started to change with some reactions!
Big confusion!
I lived like in a prison.

Even though puberty was hell, it still didn't stop me from continuing to dress as a girl. My Mum even told me I'd been doing it since I was about 11 yrs old. It's funny how I don't even remember that.. ^_^

Quote from: Venus-Castina on November 24, 2011, 11:00:28 AM
Very confused actually. I did not like the changes my body underwent and I can vividly remember each time I realized something had changed. Such as my voice breaking, my neck getting thicker zo I couldn't wear my favorite necklace anymore, my hands getting larger so I could not fit them in the mailbox anymore, my legs getting hairy, my first ejacu... you know what.

I thought that all these changes were inevitable. I was a boy because I had the clear evidence dangling between my legs. And boys just become masculine. Fighting it seemed truly pointless so I told myself to just accept it.

This is me exactly. Every change was faced with despair but I just kind of learned to accept it. So, puberty wasn't so bad thanks to learned helplessness.

I hated the onset of puberty.

For several months I was oblivious to the changes until my period hit. I hated it and I couldn't imagine myself living 30+ years of my life having to get this monthly.  Periods are too painful and messy for me. I remember hating my chest but I didn't know why exactly. I identified as female so I simply put it off as "They're very large for my age, that's why I loathe them."

In reality it wasn't until I began identifying as trans at age 13 that I felt any dysphoria. All my puberty worries beforehand were unrelated to it.