I can tell you right now, no one is going to strap you to a chair and call you crazy if you tell someone you want to kill yourself. I've been in and out of mental hospitals and programs since I was 14 and I've been on a slew of different drugs. Being mentally ill isn't something I'm ashamed of and I've had to confront the stigma surrounding it almost daily. Every time I get down on myself about not being in college yet, not having my license, or not doing other things that my peers have I always force myself to look at the positive things in my life and remind myself that even six months ago I would never have thought that I would be getting up everyday, going to a full time job, and saving for my own place. As soon as you come to terms with the fact that this is how you feel and might need a little help, then it's just a matter of asking for it.

Just stay strong, keep battling through, and get help however scary.
I'd post more but this is all I can stand atm, just please, stay strong, we're all here for you and you're not alone.

I don't know what to say to all of you, except thanks for the support. It's so nice to get a view on things from people going through the same thing I am. I wish my dad wouldn't be such a transphobiac. Sometimes I can't tell if he's truly worried about me anymore.

You will very likely not be strapped down or locked in a room. It takes a lot for them to do that to you.

A few years ago, I was suicidal. Like actively going to do something. I was lucky to live in a big city where there was a mental health hospital, and I went there and told them I was suicidal, and they let me sleep there overnight. They didn't strap me down. I was locked in their intake ward, but it wasn't like being locked in a room, not at all. At the time, I felt so horrible that I was just glad I didn't have to go face my apartment and my dark thoughts. In the morning, I talked to a psychiatrist, and they decided to admit me. I spent a little bit of time on their mental health ward, and ended up diagnosed with bipolar disorder. (I don't doubt this diagnosis, there have been several clear manic periods and plenty of depressions.) They started me on medication, and while I was in the hospital I went to groups and met people and got therapy.

It's been several years since diagnosis, and I even ended up back in the hospital again once. But the medication helped me get a toehold, and therapy and lifestyle changes have helped me even more.

So I ended up in the hospital, and even then I was never strapped down or locked in a room.

If you go to a doctor, they will try everything they can to help you. Being sent to the hospital is a last resort.

And I know how you feel about parents - my parents are chronic underworriers. No matter how bad things are for me, they don't seem to react. But I know they care. They just don't know how to show it.

Dispite numerous attempts and councilling sessions the only time I've been kept in anywhere was over Halloween after my mate called the police because I was the worst I'd ever been and was trying to hang myself.  They only kept me in - and like Jeh, I'm pretty glad they did, I couldn't trust myself to be left alone - because by the time I made it to the hospital it was 11pm and they have no mental health workers at that time of night.  I was just put in the regular paediatrics ward (I'm 15) and they just made me keep the curtains of the cubicle open so they could keep an eye on me.  All I got from the nurses were tactful, "you ok?"'s and apart from one doctor, who even the other doctors were giving strange looks to, everything was handled great.

No one wants to see young people in pain, especially those who are scared and have those types of dark thoughts in their heads.

The best advice I can give is to go and get help before things start to become overwhelming, and don't hold back any information, I lied to my councillor when I was referred to him a few years ago and just wanted to stop seeing him, and it's really messed up the way they're dealing with me now as he's basing his judgements on wrong history of me.  Tell the truth, let them help you, keep in touch with people here and it'll work out ok.

As for your parents, they don't need to know about the transgender thing right now, just say that you're having a rough time in your head and that you want to talk to your doctor.  If that's too scary then make up an injury or something, what you say when you get there's confidential and from what you're saying it's probably what you need to do, and it'll help.

Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 04, 2012, 11:06:01 PM
I was reading a medical magazine, and I ended up checking off more than half the sings on the Suicide Warning Signs List. That... I have to say, that concerns me. I thought I'd post them here.

SUICIDE WARNING SIGNS
-neglect of personal appearance
-sudden changes in manner of dress
-sudden change in appetite
-sense of hopelessness, helplessness
-wide mood changes and sudden outbursts (only at home)
-anxiousness, extreme tension, or agitation
-lethargy and tiredness
-changes in personality (only at home)
-loss of the ability to concentrate
-depression, sadness
-loss of rational thought
-feelings of guilt and failure
-self-destructive thoughts
-exaggerated fears of disease or physical impairment
-feelings of worthlessness or of being a burden
-threatening suicide
-describing methods of suicide
-decreased school activity; isolation. Sudden drop in achievement and interests in school subjects.
-loss of interest in hobbies (not all), sports, work, etc.
-withdrawal from family, sometimes acting in a manner which forces others away
-changes in eating and sleeping habits
-changes in friendship
-running away from home, "skipping school"
-preoccupation with thoughts of death

I have all of these. My reason for not seeing anyone about this is I am terrified of being strapped down to a chair or locked in a room like my dad told me what they do to "those people" I am actually crying right now from realizing that I have 95% of the signs on that list (the ones I do, I posted). I don't know what to do because to be honest like I said I'm terrified. I tried to distract myself with goals, like working out (have zero motivation for), moving (I feel like I have to move to a completely different country to be at peace with myself and away from my family), and I suppose, finding a partner (girlfriend) is one of the goals. I just get super depressed when I think about the girl I really love (to the point where I'd risk my life for her), but she already has a girlfriend and I am respecting that but I feel like I'll never find someone like her... Okay Cody, enough, now you're just going on a rant. But yeah. Suicide thoughts. I'm scared. 

I will be honest with you,
being transgender means theres a very high rant of suicide. Its not that hard to understand when you think about all the presure there is.
being trans is very hard whenever your in the closet or outside.

I had tried suicide before, didnt work out, (so thats why im still alive)
right now I am a pretty happy human being but I had this period where your fight and fight, for who you are,
its very hard, very hopeless and takes alot of strenght. I do belive not everyone can make it, but what dosent kill you makes you stronger,
and the ones who go thought all this and find happyness, learns alot about life.
---
a advise is dont give up, dont rush yourself too hard, and dont do it alone.
have someone to suport you, even a single friend to listen to you means ALOT in general. to have the right contacts the right people to help you our and understands you really is what makes the big diffrent.

I know it sounds very simple, way more than it is, only thing I can say is most trans people have been thought this at least 1 time in there life,
I belive so.

Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 05, 2012, 12:21:14 AM
@Hermione Even picking up the phone to make an appointment is traumatizing for me though.

I have bad anxiety about the phone as well.  It's a lot better than it used be, but in the past I've called a number, got freaked out when someone answered, then hung up. When I started looking for a therapist, I found some that had websites with their e-mail addresses and e-mailed them asking if they had experience with trans clients. It was much easier to make the first step that way. But I would like to say that the therapist I ended up seeing I actually called on the phone and left a message. So it is possible to get over an intense fear of the phone even though it's hard. Keep in mind that therapists are people who generally enjoy working with other people. And they earn money from clients, so if you're a potential client they aren't going to bite your face off over the phone.

If you're feeling like this, you really should go to a professional. Hope you are feeling better soon.

Hmm. To everyone who is telling me to talk to someone. I noticed that it's really hard for me to open up about my deepest feelings. I love making this girl laugh. I feel like I don't want to spoil it. But then... she's the only one I truly trust.

Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 06, 2012, 01:43:05 AM
Hmm. To everyone who is telling me to talk to someone. I noticed that it's really hard for me to open up about my deepest feelings. I love making this girl laugh. I feel like I don't want to spoil it. But then... she's the only one I truly trust.

Be careful getting hung up on one person. If you feel that strongly, maybe try using her as your muse, and writing. Try not to let your feelings damage her or yourself.

@Felix... I really like that idea actually. D'you think if I sang one of my songs to her it would help the situation? And by situation I mean everything. My trans feelings, my feelings towards her, less tension between us.

Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 06, 2012, 01:52:14 AM
@Felix... I really like that idea actually. D'you think if I sang one of my songs to her it would help the situation? And by situation I mean everything. My trans feelings, my feelings towards her, less tension between us.

I don't know her, and I couldn't say. I would err on the side of caution, but she obviously inspires you.

@Felix, thanks, I'll think about it and give it more time. It's not like I can whip up a song over night anyways

I confess I have been through a pretty rough time myself also....chosing some friends to coinfide in can help you sort out your feelings as often just saying things out loud helps. Maybe investing in some counselling sessions would help too if that was in your budget.

@Lee11, sorry to hear that man. Maybe things will get better for both of us. I actually tried talking about it to one of my friends but it got too awkward so I stopped. Sometimes I pull out a journal and write how I feel. Counselling, before I even suspected I was trans, has always been something big and scary for me.

Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 07, 2012, 01:35:55 PM
@Lee11, sorry to hear that man. Maybe things will get better for both of us. I actually tried talking about it to one of my friends but it got too awkward so I stopped. Sometimes I pull out a journal and write how I feel. Counselling, before I even suspected I was trans, has always been something big and scary for me.

Being perfectly honest, councilling terrified me, and still does.  But I know that if I'd manned up enough to go sooner, and stick with it rather than lying my way out, I'd not have gotten into some of the situations I have, and I'd probably not have closed off a whole avenue of job opportunities within the armed forces, and it wouldn't be going to badly right now as they're trying to treat me while almost all of the history they know are lies.

Getting down how you feel is a good idea, it takes a lot to share it with people, even those which you totally trust, but just getting it out of your head and thinking things through in order to write them is good.  If you ever want to share things with someone you don't know, I'm here for you man, just putting that out there.

@Adam, thanks buddy. Thing is the person I was talking to about this, she was supportive and all, but she was sort of trying to convince me NOT to transition. She was all like "yeah, hormones take forever to get you to look male, society accepts short girls a lot more than they do short guys (because I was having a I-hate-being-short day)". So it did kind of get me down. I DO want to go to counselling, but I couldn't even tell my family doctor. Maybe, if I got her email, I could talk to her through that? I hate the rock-in-my-throat feeling. Another awkward moment, was my singing teacher and I when we were talking in a lesson (she's my best friend at the moment), and I was jokingly saying "there's no way I could hit those low notes unless I like... got the sex change surgery" and she was like "yeah, I doubt you're going to grow a p***s haha". Which made it 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000X more awkward for me, and I had no comment on it. She's been very supportive of me being a lesbian (right now, because I present as female), but that  comment she made sorta threw me off. I do hate my chest, and the only way I get through that is if I lie to myself and say "no, you're a girl." It works for a bit, but when I have to take a shower it all just comes up again.

Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 07, 2012, 07:59:34 PM
@Adam, thanks buddy. Thing is the person I was talking to about this, she was supportive and all, but she was sort of trying to convince me NOT to transition. She was all like "yeah, hormones take forever to get you to look male, society accepts short girls a lot more than they do short guys (because I was having a I-hate-being-short day)". So it did kind of get me down. I DO want to go to counselling, but I couldn't even tell my family doctor. Maybe, if I got her email, I could talk to her through that? I hate the rock-in-my-throat feeling. Another awkward moment, was my singing teacher and I when we were talking in a lesson (she's my best friend at the moment), and I was jokingly saying "there's no way I could hit those low notes unless I like... got the sex change surgery" and she was like "yeah, I doubt you're going to grow a p***s haha". Which made it 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000X more awkward for me, and I had no comment on it. She's been very supportive of me being a lesbian (right now, because I present as female), but that  comment she made sorta threw me off. I do hate my chest, and the only way I get through that is if I lie to myself and say "no, you're a girl." It works for a bit, but when I have to take a shower it all just comes up again.

The first person I told (other than a boyfriend, who told me and I just agreed) was a former professor of mine. She was also a bit of a friend, as we each had one daughter and they were the same age, and our political views and tastes in literature were similar. She was a vocal feminist, so I thought she'd be a good person to go to with my fears and decision to come out of the closet.

She seemed really supportive at first, but she also told me I should change society and not myself. That the problem was in society's inability to accept women doing masculine things. I didn't know how to explain to her that it wasn't that, and so I didn't try to explain it to her. But not much later, when I told her I was planning to go on testosterone and have top surgery, she abruptly stopped speaking to me. She mattered a lot to me, and so I've tried calling and emailing a few times since, but it's pretty clear she wants nothing to do with me. Sometimes even very supportive and cool people aren't actually very supportive.

Try to be tough and keep yourself no matter what other people think.

I don't think I can stand the thought of losing her... I just couldn't. I've already sort of lost a best friend and I don't think I can do that again.

Quote from: Cody Jensen on January 07, 2012, 08:28:46 PM
I don't think I can stand the thought of losing her... I just couldn't. I've already sort of lost a best friend and I don't think I can do that again.

I don't know what to say, and I don't think it's my place to reassure you here. I lost a lot of people before transition, for unrelated reasons, and losing a few more seemed a small price to pay to finally be who I am. In other words, I was already pretty broken and damaged, so I didn't have much to lose. You probably have more to lose, idk.

I still say try to hold on to yourself, whatever you decide.

I will hate the possibility of losing my family the most. Though we hardly talk already. My dad says he doesn't have time for me, but then he's always taking time off for trips to New York, Rome, and such with his girlfriend and he's pretty much over there every day of the week. My sister's always been the one in the spotlight and I often feel like my dad forgot he has a second daughter (or son, I suppose). I want a bond with him, and I truly hope he'll be closer to be after I transition (after all, he'll have that son he always wanted) but I fear it will be the opposite. My sister already only half lives with us anyways, when she's at home she ignores me 95% of the time. Same goes for most of my friends, they don't really talk to me much either. In a way, I don't have a lot to lose, but in a way, I do, because my best friend is all I have (she also unfortunately happens to be the same girl who's my singing teacher, and the same girl who's my best friend). why do i feel like this is turning into a rant