Ugh...I'm so shaken and nervous that I don't know where to start. I'm scared to go on and I've been thinking of suicide lately. I didn't want to tell my family or anyone else because they'll hate me for it.

Okay...well, I finally came out to my parents in September 2011. They brushed it off and just said that my feelings were fake. Maybe they're right. Maybe everyone is. I used to have an account on deviantART and mentioned that I always wanted a male form and at the same time dress feminine. It's hard to explain over the internet.

I was questioned about how come I haven't seen a therapist or why I don't take hormones. I guess I'm just scared. I have an eating disorder and my worst fear is to gain fat or muscle from hormones and yet, I also hate the' curviness' of the female form. Every time I look in the mirror, I hate what I see. I hate having breasts, I hate having a female shape, but at the same time, I don't want fat or muscle. 

Then again, despite all of this, I still like make-up and cute things, but then I also like masculine things too.

Ever since I was little, I used to refer to myself as a little boy. My friends and I would go out into the woods and chase wild animals. Sometimes, we'd play with bugs or play trading card games like Yu-Gi-Oh. Over time, it faded because I started puberty and I didn't want the other girls to think I was weird for still liking boyish things.

When I see myself naked and notice the female parts I have, I get angry at myself or blame it on God. I ask, why couldn't I have been born as a boy and be the way I want to be. Why do I have to wake up every morning and hear people call me she after I told them I go by male pronouns or threaten to hurt me because they think I'm a fraud for calling myself FTM.

Maybe no one here will understand where I'm coming from. I can't ask people to tell me what I am. It would help, but I guess it would bring some fear into my heart. I question myself after all this time. I was told that most people find out they're FTM when they're really young. I just didn't and so because of that, people have been calling me a fake.

Thus, I started thinking of suicide. I mean, what am I? Why couldn't I just be normal? Maybe people would stop being angry at me if I just died off. I'm sorry this seems so cynical, but I have no one else to talk to. I feel so alone about all of this.

First of all, don't commit suicide. It's overrated, and so is being "normal"

Just because other people don't think you fit the stereotype of being FTM (i.e., knew you were trans most of your life, etc), doesn't mean that you're "a fraud" or that you aren't really FTM. Your gender identity is whatever you say it is; how could anyone else possibly judge what your gender identity is? Whether you're cis, FTM, or androgynous/bi-gendered/two-spirit, it's you who has the final say in it. Not your friends, not your family, not anyone else. It's your life and you should be free to identify as whichever gender (if any) that you feel you are.

If you're not already in therapy for your eating disorder, I recommend considering it. Things like that are often too difficult to deal with on your own.

That's too bad your parents weren't accepting of you. But it is a common reaction; they've thought of you as being female for your whole life, so it's practically guaranteed it'll take some time for them to get used to thinking of you differently. Or, it's possible that they might not change. But either way, from my experience the best way to be happy is to be exactly who you are.

I hope that helped.

Oh, and in response to the subject line, there's no such thing as not being masculine enough to be FTM. You could be the most feminine transman on the planet and still be trans, if that's how you identify. Labels are more for simplifying things, anyway, so don't worry too much about them You are whatever you feel you are.

Z7Z makes some excellent points.  Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems.  Take a look around the FTM board - you will see a great number who are quite proud to be feminine transmen.  There is no requirement that you should be a certain degree of "manly" in order to be FTM, nor do all FTMs know from childhood that they are male.  Z7Z is right about your eating disorder - it complicates things, but guys have transitioned with far worse odds stacked against them.  I suggest giving yourself a chance.  Stay here on Susan's and come chat with us in the FTMs board.  I guarantee that you will find you're not as alone nor hopeless as you believe

Thank you all so much for the support. I really appreciate it. It's like something has been lifted sort of.

I'm pretty feminine for a transman. I've either let some female traits carry over into transition, or I'm just kind of an odd guy. I'm not sure. I'm single parent to a little girl, too, so my nurturing aspects and comfort with pretty things are probably stronger for that.

People tell me I'm not trans or not a real man sometimes. They can think whatever they want. Who you are isn't their decision.

The OP has an excellent question. I wonder this myself. Can gender expression (feminine or masculine) be independent to gender identity? The saying "behind a man's success is a woman's support" is perhaps something I hear the most. My understanding is that femininity in a woman helps a man a lot.

I'm a bio male, and while I don't desire to be a female, I'm more in touch with my feminine side to the point that I desire to have a female sex characteristic. So I identify myself mostly a male with a bit of female. In my case, gender expression and gender identity seem to influence each other. Maybe I'm a weird person.

To the OP, please don't commit suicide. I know it's hard for you, but try to find a better solution.

Gender Identity and Gender Expression are different things, so there is nothing wrong with how you present yourself, however you do it.

I'm 6'2" and have broad shoulders, so despite having a feminine face (or so friends tell me), I will always be fairly masculine presenting.  Even with the sparkley nail polish I am currently wearing.  You haven't given any hints as to you sexual orientation, which is a totally different thing again.  If you like guys that would make you a slightly  feminine gay guy, which is not unusual.   If you see yourself as straight, then you would be just another metrosexual, again nothing out of the ordinary.

It's a slow process so I wouldn't worry about it, lots of us change our persona several times during transition.  I know I have.

Karen.

(1) Forget suicide.  That's a non-solution.  It does not work. Spiritually it truly does not work: Look that up and I'm sure a much better course of action will suggest itself to you later, if not sooner.

(2) Began by forgetting about labels.  Just be yourself.  I think that the more that you do NOT worry about about labels and emerge yourself into who you really are the better you'll feel.  Once you know who you are, then you can worry about what path to take and eventually, if you care to, a label.

(3) Live your life for YOU......and no one else. 

I was feeling suicidal when I first started using this forum. One year later and I am completely out, on hormones and passing quite successfully.

When I posted, feeling suicidal, someone offered me this advice; "if you can't take it one day at a time, take it one minute at a time".
It helped me look at things in a new light.

Quote from: justmeinoz on January 14, 2012, 03:56:30 AMIf you like guys that would make you a slightly  feminine gay guy, which is not unusual.   If you see yourself as straight, then you would be just another metrosexual, again nothing out of the ordinary.

These are very good points. There is such a range of masculine/feminine in cis people. Why shouldn't there be that kind of range for trans people? It seems some trans people feel societal pressure to be hyper-masculine or hyper-feminine. Maybe it's for passing purposes. But I've heard a lot of folks here and elsewhere say that once they felt comfortable in their own skin again, they could just be themselves.

It almost sounds as you rather are a femboy than an actual transman, which would also explain why you neither want to female curves, or develop male muscles, which may also very well be the very cause for your eating disorder, as many gendervarianted people develop such disorders as they want to keep their bodies in an undeveloped state that is mentally manageable for them.

Perhaps you should take this possibility into serious consideration, as it may be of vital importance to your future happiness in regards to your own body.

Quote from: Bishounen on January 14, 2012, 10:19:04 AM
It almost sounds as you rather are a femboy than an actual transman, which would also explain why you neither want to female curves, or develop male muscles, which may also very well be the very cause for your eating disorder, as many gendervarianted people develop such disorders as they want to keep their bodies in an undeveloped state that is mentally manageable for them.

Perhaps you should take this possibility into serious consideration, as it may be of vital importance to your future happiness in regards to your own body.

I think you might be right. I will take it into consideration. I hate the thought of looking older, so I sort of hide it. In the end, I still identify as male. I was just very depressed because people kept telling what I am and what I'm not.

Quote from: patstar on January 14, 2012, 04:26:31 AM
(1) Forget suicide.  That's a non-solution.  It does not work. Spiritually it truly does not work: Look that up and I'm sure a much better course of action will suggest itself to you later, if not sooner.

(2) Began by forgetting about labels.  Just be yourself.  I think that the more that you do NOT worry about about labels and emerge yourself into who you really are the better you'll feel.  Once you know who you are, then you can worry about what path to take and eventually, if you care to, a label.

(3) Live your life for YOU......and no one else. 

I will

so my "enlightenment" moment came when I was in deep depression, and called a friend (genetic girl)  - she's known about my gender conflict for years, basicly I said I just don't get it, I'm not an effeminate hairdresser, I'm not a swishy queen, I'm not into the whole drag scene, I'm not into the b&d crowd - I just don't get it.
Her reply was I do belly dance, I look damn nice in evening wear, I'm way too tall, I still do escrima, I have trained horses to a saddle, I instructed handgun in the Navy - I'm a woman, so are you, of course you're not a drag queen.

NB - none of this is a criticism or judgement on people who are into something else, just that I was trying to identify myself by what I wasn't, not by what I am, it's a nasty trap. 
A hairdressser I use is a wonderfull, effeminate man, but he is a man

Quote from: Katie.D on January 14, 2012, 11:07:03 AM
so my "enlightenment" moment came when I was in deep depression, and called a friend (genetic girl)  - she's known about my gender conflict for years, basicly I said I just don't get it, I'm not an effeminate hairdresser, I'm not a swishy queen, I'm not into the whole drag scene, I'm not into the b&d crowd - I just don't get it.
Her reply was I do belly dance, I look damn nice in evening wear, I'm way too tall, I still do escrima, I have trained horses to a saddle, I instructed handgun in the Navy - I'm a woman, so are you, of course you're not a drag queen.

NB - none of this is a criticism or judgement on people who are into something else, just that I was trying to identify myself by what I wasn't, not by what I am, it's a nasty trap. 
A hairdressser I use is a wonderfull, effeminate man, but he is a man

Sorry, but I don't really understand what you mean...

Everyone should look up the Law of Attraction.  This Law states that when you focus on what you don't want/like etc you cause those unwanted things to come into your life.   Focus on the things that you do want in your life exclusively.

Quote from: TracyLynn on January 14, 2012, 04:10:58 PM
Sorry, but I don't really understand what you mean...

Sorry, the quote should have started "But I can't be transgendered, I'm not...."

Quote from: Katie.D on January 14, 2012, 04:56:02 PM
Sorry, the quote should have started "But I can't be transgendered, I'm not...."

(

If I identify as male and I want to be male, then wouldn't that make me transgender?

yes indeed.