I can't take it anymore. I've had transgender thoughts for as long as I can remember. When I was younger I was very feminine for a boy. I used to wear my mom's and sister's clothing, I would get barbies for Christmas and my birthday, and I used feminine gestures. After awhile my mom no longer thought it was cute I guess and started correcting me every time I would use feminine gestures such as putting my hands on my hip. Eventually I grew out of that and was acting like a normal boy. It was around this time (about 10) that I started to feel like I should have been a girl. I used to pray that God would change me as I slept but I always woke up a boy. We moved to a new town when I was starting high school, and up until that time I had mostly had girls as friends or best friends. It was around this time that I started puberty and I started liking girls. It is a very strange feeling to be attracted to a female while at the same time wanting to be them. I decided to just accept this desire to be female as a quirk of mine and push it to the back of my mind. I then went on to enjoy high school immensely. I did well in school, played sports, did well at my part-time job, and was friends with 90% of the student body. Life was great, I thought college would be even better. I was WRONG. My desire to be female pushed its way to the front of my thoughts and it has done nothing but plague me for these 3 years. My parents want are extremely worried about me. They keep asking why I've gone from a happy go lucky, high achieving person to a depressed no achieving person who stays holed up in my room. It's getting worse everyday. I can't get a girlfriend. My desire to be them always seems to be be bigger than my attraction to them and I always friendzone myself. It has gotten to the point that it is all I can think about and focus on. I thought I had outgrown my feminine attributes years ago but they are coming back. I now have to constantly pay attention to every little thing I do to make sure I am not doing feminine mannerisms. My dreams are now even flooded by these thoughts. One night I had a dream that I was a girl and I painted my nails, and ever since I have this strong desire for painted nails. Same with shaving my legs.
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Now to the point of my post. I can't take this anymore. I feel like I am losing myself. I am scared. I thought that I could live with this as a quirk that makes me unique. No. I want these thoughts and desires gone. So how do I get rid of them? I just want to go back to my old self. Please, you have to help me. I seriously feel like I'm going crazy.

Quote from: wantstobenormal on January 17, 2012, 02:28:03 PM
I can't take it anymore. I've had transgender thoughts for as long as I can remember. When I was younger I was very feminine for a boy. I used to wear my mom's and sister's clothing, I would get barbies for Christmas and my birthday, and I used feminine gestures. After awhile my mom no longer thought it was cute I guess and started correcting me every time I would use feminine gestures such as putting my hands on my hip. Eventually I grew out of that and was acting like a normal boy. It was around this time (about 10) that I started to feel like I should have been a girl. I used to pray that God would change me as I slept but I always woke up a boy. We moved to a new town when I was starting high school, and up until that time I had mostly had girls as friends or best friends. It was around this time that I started puberty and I started liking girls. It is a very strange feeling to be attracted to a female while at the same time wanting to be them. I decided to just accept this desire to be female as a quirk of mine and push it to the back of my mind. I then went on to enjoy high school immensely. I did well in school, played sports, did well at my part-time job, and was friends with 90% of the student body. Life was great, I thought college would be even better. I was WRONG. My desire to be female pushed its way to the front of my thoughts and it has done nothing but plague me for these 3 years. My parents want are extremely worried about me. They keep asking why I've gone from a happy go lucky, high achieving person to a depressed no achieving person who stays holed up in my room. It's getting worse everyday. I can't get a girlfriend. My desire to be them always seems to be be bigger than my attraction to them and I always friendzone myself. It has gotten to the point that it is all I can think about and focus on. I thought I had outgrown my feminine attributes years ago but they are coming back. I now have to constantly pay attention to every little thing I do to make sure I am not doing feminine mannerisms. My dreams are now even flooded by these thoughts. One night I had a dream that I was a girl and I painted my nails, and ever since I have this strong desire for painted nails. Same with shaving my legs.
START READING HERE FOR THE CONDENSED VERSION
Now to the point of my post. I can't take this anymore. I feel like I am losing myself. I am scared. I thought that I could live with this as a quirk that makes me unique. No. I want these thoughts and desires gone. So how do I get rid of them? I just want to go back to my old self. Please, you have to help me. I seriously feel like I'm going crazy.

You can't.
Sorry, but there is simply no way you can surpress these feelings of yours as they very apparently is part of your Identity and simply who you are.
The only thing you can really do at ythis point, is to transition.
Sorry to be blunt, but there is really nothing else to say on the matter, as surpressing the feelings would, sooner or later, drive you either severely depressed, mad, or, suicidal.

Contact a therapist.

I wish you all the luck.

I also suggest contacting a therapist we have some listed here (https://www.susans.org/Health/Therapists_and_Counselors/).

Take a look around Susan's there is a lot of good information here.

IMHO complete self denial sure is not the way to go. That is the sure fire way to fixate on those feelings and obsess over them.

Much like you and many others here I felt since I was very young I should have been born a girl, etc. etc.. Since about the age of 10 I cross-dressed as often as I could, always in private in my bedroom (since I FINALLY had my own bedroom). Been plucking my brows since early teens, and later on, after no more phys-ed, often shaved my legs for the winter.

The best way not to fixate on something is diversions. For me, most of these also helped to satisfy the "I want to be normal" need by being typical guy stuff. Building muscle cars, road-rallies, electronics, amateur radio, etc.. Later on, burying myself in my job. I needed to better then most so I wouldn't be discovered as a fake. That would certainly be followed by being discovered that I was faking being a guy.

For a good 40+ years this was working pretty good. After graduating university, I did experiment on transition. Decided for Normal, got married, later divorced since she didn't know about my "hobby". Thought about transition again. Tried Normal again, got engaged to a girl that knew everything. That lasted 2 years. Eventually a woman came into my life that I've been with for 30 years now.

Up until 3 years ago this was going along OK. Then my life got turned upside down. Lost my job, had to move out of state for work, wife staying home barking at strangers to protect that house. Being alone and isolated, I had plenty of time for "Life Reviews". Still not sure what the future may hold.

There is "solution"
It can be beaten down by male hormones (like it was at puberty), but it just push it back and it will come back in future much stronger, question is if it come in 40 or 80, noone can say. But it is similar solution as getting drank.

But permanent solution is to find your way and be what you are even if you may be ashamed of it now

You can't.  You are who you are and that's fine because nature messes up sometimes.  Embrace yourself for who you really are and life will start to open up to be who you want to become.  Finding a gender therapist may help you but please don't hide these feelings.  Love who you are.

Getting rid of feelings (as opposed to feeling them, living with them, etc) is always a dicey task to set out with.

See a therapist who deals with this asap. Your story feels very familiar to myself and I'm sure countless others on this site. Don't push it back down like I have for 10 years and other posters in this thread have for even longer.. it always comes back.

I'm sorry to read you're in such a bad position.
You have my sympathy, i do so recognize what you're saying, i was there long time ago and was fighting against it like you did.
I can tell you, you're gonna lose this fight, it is something you can't control, it's beyond your power.
To look at it from another perspective, maybe you are a girl, locked in a body that don't belong to her, you can lock her up for some time but there is a day she wants to come out of that prison.
You say that you want to be normal, it's quite possible you're a normal girl.
You're are fighting against yourself, you can't win.
Please, look for help, professional help, you're worth it.

Annette

Quote from: wantstobenormal on January 17, 2012, 02:28:03 PM
I can't take it anymore. I've had transgender thoughts for as long as I can remember....

So how do I get rid of them? I just want to go back to my old self. Please, you have to help me. I seriously feel like I'm going crazy.

I have had those feelings.  You will always have these feelings, because they are part of you.

I have dealt with them for more than 40 years, since I was a "tween."  When I was in my late teens, I sought out a therapist in college, about my bisexuality.  Why was I this way?, I asked.  "It's who you are" was the answer.  "It is who you will always be."

So my goal became, not to change, but to reconcile, and to adapt.

I am just going out of your same phase, and triing to adapt requires much love and patience, but it's rewarding, you'll be really happy as you ve never been! A kiss

Quote from: Beverley on January 17, 2012, 06:09:44 PM

I know you are confused and frightened but the first step is so simple. Convince yourself NOT be to ashamed. You are what nature made you. Accept that. You do not have to tell anyone you know, you just have have to stop beating yourself up for something you have no control over. Once you accept that then say to yourself "All right - I need to find out more about this" and you will start to feel in control of your life again. You may not like where the journey is going to go but at least you will have gained some control over things and that will make you feel a lot better.

Beverley

Well put Beverly.
Shame and Guilt   For me these are the toughest to overcome.  Over time they apparently get more ingrained and harder to eradicate. Perhaps because you think there is so much more at stake?

Not everyone is normal.  Sometimes people do have quirks- as you say.  It sounds like what you are feeling in your head is intensely strong.  There are strong biological reasons for GID.  I don't want to be premature and tell you that you should transition though.  I would DEFINITELY talk to a therapist.

One thing you may want to try is to give in to some of those desires- go ahead- shave your legs.  Plenty of guys shave their legs- particularly swimmers and cyclists.  If you want to wear nail polish, go ahead.  If people give you trouble, tell them to sod off.  Or just say you lost a bet or something.  It might make you feel better.  You know- experiment a bit.

Normalcy is based on the center of a bell curve representing the characteristics of those around us.  Not everyone falls right in the center.  Wearing nail polish and shaving your legs are pretty harmless- it's not like your causing harm to anybody else.  If that's what you so desire, why punish yourself?  To satisfy some arbitrary cultural norm?