So... I haven't posted in awhile, because my life has suddenly gotten crazy busy with my divorce and my job and finally getting things rolling in a medical sense for my TG things (offically 'diagnosed', plastic surgeon, T). But, last night was a huge blow to me.

I've been dating a gay man, online, for almost 4 months now. We've been talking almost a year (a year in May), but this has all been online, or over text messages via phones. He has told me that he's not comfortable talking on the phone just yet... but for me, it's a big part of taking that next step. He's told me that he wants us to be a couple, he's also said he isn't sure that he'll ever want to get married, or have kids (I already have a 3 year old son). So, maybe these should have been red flags for me. He's only 21 (I'm 27), and I do understand that he's young, but there are ways in which he seems to be so much older then I am that I seem to forget this from time to time.

Well, anyway. I was talking to him last night, after my GT apointment, and he came out and told me that the reason he doesn't want to talk to me on the phone is because he's afraid I'll sound femine, that it'll ruin the illusion of me. He has told me time and time again that he loves me, that he only sees the boy I truly am, but when it comes right down to it, it seems that it's not true, that I'm just some sort of exotic ideal to him.

I feel lost, and highly unloved, I don't know what to do. =/

I wish I had some advice, but I really don't aside from perhaps taking a step back and thinking about what is going to be better for you in the long run. But, I did want to give you a hug and say that I hope that everything turns out okay.

*hug*

Edit: I don't think his fear has anything to do with you though. A lot of people have a hard time mentally grasping things that are alien to them, and being trans is pretty alien to most people. When I was gone over the winter holiday, I called my husband a few times (he's also gay) and I suppose my voice was higher than normal since I was around family and trying to be in girl mode. He said it was a little odd for a few minutes, but once we started talking he didn't hear it.

Point is, plenty of guys have high voices. My old school counsellor was a cisguy and his voice was higher than mine is now at pre-T level. If he is worried about your voice, you could always send him a short recording of your voice and let him listen to it on his own. Otherwise, make sure that is his only concern. It was hard for my boy to rationalize his being gay while being married to me when I was in girl mode and even after I came out. It took him a while to be okay with it and realize that it didn't make him less gay to be with me. I just happened to have a few physical imperfections.

...Okay, seems like I had something to say. Just needed coffee to get the brain running.

Thanks for talking to me, though I don't really suppose it matters much anymore.

He's already heard my voice. I had to call him once to let him know I was going to be late getting home, that I was going to have to let my car defrost, and I didn't want him to worry.

But, last night, I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling about what he'd said. The whole thing blew up in my face and he left me. I've never cried this much in my life. I feel like no one will ever want me because I'm not bio. I don't really have a cock, I may never have a cock.... and that really upsets me. It makes me wonder if this is all worth it. Is it worth taking the risk of being rejected by my family just to live alone for the rest of my life because I'm not 'good enough' for the other gay men?

It gives me heart to see that you've found someone, and I'm happy for you. It gives me hope to think that maybe I can find someone too... so thank you for that.

Quote from: Torhture on February 04, 2012, 06:08:52 AM
It gives me heart to see that you've found someone, and I'm happy for you. It gives me hope to think that maybe I can find someone too... so thank you for that.

And you will.

I felt the same way and finally met someone. My BF did have issue with my body at first. He's a straight guy who see's me as a woman and loves me. No our sex life will likely never be great due to many factors (personal information not needed..)  but we have been together for 3 years now and there is more to a loving relationship than amazing physical sex. We share intimacy and our souls with each other.

I can say we never talked (my voice was horrible back then) until we met in RL. I'm not sure if he could have wrapped his mind around my being a woman hearing me on the phone sounding like a guy? Who knows but I didn't want to risk it.

I feel there's someone for everyone out there.

Also, while in the day and age we live in a lot of "relationships" happen online, I think it's still best to start things off (or at least early on) in person. It's really hard to form a proper loving relationship with someone you've never met in the flesh. I've met some really awesome friends online, but we ended up being friends "IRL" as well.

Anyway, don't lose hope. There's someone out there who will accept you for who you are.