I was having a fantastic day. Nothing bad about it. I was having fun with my family and messing around with my fiancee with texts. Then I made a comment about being man and woman. And for some reason when I said that, it felt like things came crashing down on me. I just felt so sad. I feel like a man. I want my voice deeper. I want a man's chest. I want hair on my body. I want facial hair. I want to be Nicholas. But I look at my body and I see breasts. I hear a high voice. I hear my family call me by "she" and other things along those lines. It just feels like a big sham. I'm not saying at all that what trans guys go through is a big game of pretend or anything. Right now, I just feel like I'm some sort of sick joke. Maybe if I was binding it would feel a bit more real but until I have T, I just feel like a girl playing dress up. And it sucks.

All the time. I spoke about this with my girlfriend today, actually - how I hear my voice, and look at my chest, and it feels like I'm just trying to fool myself. That I'm lying, or being dishonest by saying I'm a man because my body says otherwise. Some days it's not so bad, others I just feel ashamed and disgusted by myself.

Quote from: Solobear on February 14, 2012, 07:23:29 PM
All the time. I spoke about this with my girlfriend today, actually - how I hear my voice, and look at my chest, and it feels like I'm just trying to fool myself. That I'm lying, or being dishonest by saying I'm a man because my body says otherwise. Some days it's not so bad, others I just feel ashamed and disgusted by myself.

In a way it is nice to see I am not alone. But it is bittersweet. No one should have to feel like this

This is pretty much the story of my life.

Quote from: Nick on February 14, 2012, 06:42:48 PM
...until I have T, I just feel like a girl playing dress up.

As sick as it sounds, my ex (while we we were dating) actually used to tell me this was what I was. Thankfully, I always knew better than that and came to despise her for treating me so poorly. So, yes, Pre-T, I did feel this way...and to some degree I was even pressured to.

I did and do have days where I can't open my mouth and say much of anything because my voice is alien to me.  Looking in the mirror and seeing a fat girl face when I've just gotten up in the morning makes me feel that's all I'll ever see.  I have to spend an hour doing my cosmetic effects and shaving my hairline before I can feel ok to leave the house.  I feel like a man, but I still feel a bit fake and will until the T starts changing things.  Chin up, mate - it's a hard road but it'll happen.

yeah like every day

If my misery can help you feel better in anyway I am glad to help.  There isn't a minute that goes by that I'm not thinking the same thing.

I want a deeper voice.  If I don't catch myself then it will sound kind of high.  I hate talking to people especially men because I feel so inferior to them because of my shy voice.  I try to talk deeper but it doesn't sound right.  I try to sing deeper notes to music but if I try it without the music I sound like the frog from the Warner Brothers.  I barely sound like I have a cold when I sing high but that's better than my deeper voice. 


I want a male's chest.  I hate these things that are on my now.  They are so huge and saggy with stretch marks.  I know when it comes time to bind them it will be hell to do.  I hate how big my stomach is along with my hips.  Having boobs does not help.  I'd rather be a fat biological man than a pretty and thin woman.  If I'm going to have a large belly then I want it to be as hairy as an ape.  I want a thick happy trail.  I get so jealous when other women have more body hair than me.  I want very hairy legs but due to my genetics I my legs are virtually hairless. I want a goatee like Wayne from Static X. I also long for a total hystorectomy and bottom surgery.

When people take point out my sex I start to notice it even more and it gets to even though I'm still presenting as a female.

"You are a very intelligent lady."

"You are a very smart young lady"

"You will respect her because she is a lady and we respect the ladies!"  (A guy telling that to a young child)

"This is my sister"

"You claim to be "that way" which reminds me I saw some black dykes on tv arguing on Cheaters"

"You will always be a female"

and so on

I feel like it's an on going nightmare.  I want to be Malachite.  I AM Malachite but no one can see that right now. I fear that my preferred surgeons will die or quit  before I can get the surgeries.  I constantly struggle with how the hell am I going to make it out there on my on with virtually no support from any one emotionally or financially while stuck with this horrible body.  It will be years before I can even start to transition just to save up enough money. Who the hell did I piss off in my past life to deserve this?


So yeah I feel that way and that's only a condensed version lol.  You are certainly not alone.