Finally starting to take the next step on my journey. I start seeing a new therapist on Tuesday.
I was able to get it scheduled to correspond with one of the groups here as well, so all is one trip.
It feels good to actually be doing something about it again. With how anxious/manic/wacko I was getting last week, I'm glad that's over. And If I put off, turned off, or even ticked off anyone by it, SORRY.
Gambling runs in my family, and I've always been one to not take the easy road even if that's how my consciousnesses wants it. I tend to be a procrastinator, never really getting much done until I was almost out of time, but I usually pull things off... barely... I'm starting to wonder if my psyche actually thrives on these "fight-or-flight" emotions, or if last week was just a relapse of my GID and assumed PTSD. The recent bouts of hair-pin anger attacks my mother has been having certainly could be a trigger. She had a hysterectomy years ago but refused HRT, so I wouldn't be surprised that her T levels are higher than mine ever were. But the world doesn't revolve around her and quite frankly, she can go, well, you know the phrase.
So now I'm scheduled with a therapist, and I find myself thinking of what else is to follow in the near term and also the long term. Sure, I'll also finally be able to make new friends at group afterwards. I'm already starting to feel a bit optimistic rather than pessimistic. I know how I want this journey to end. I have a good idea of where I want to go, and a plan for afterwards by staying at my Aunt's house in Philly. But, should I even be thinking about the long term goals at this point before achieving the short term? Does it even matter?
First time round, before I went under, I was even a sort-of leader back then. I had some friends that were looking UP to me and was even at one point modding a TG youth forum. I had a budget planned out and even had $9000 already in the bank. But then ->-bleeped-<- happened, I got sidetracked and fell in love. Twice... Damn those early 20s.
That "fight-or-flight" instinct got me this far- On my way, but off the right path. This time I'm fighting for it. $100 a session is pretty costly with taking a 3rd of my unemployment check... But playing it safe didn't work the last time round, so I'm willing to up my stakes. It's time I get back in that saddle and be a leader once more, if only of my self. This time I'm doing things right. This time.... I'M ALL IN.
