Ever since I became aware or my gender conflict I notice that my behavior is changed?

While situation is not right, I seem to be doing well?

I do not feel as depressed as before. I get enough sleep, my head is clear. I noticed that I tend to sit up straight? My walk has become much more fluid, more yielding and going with the flow. My executive function is better then ever? I even started playing chess again.

No more hiding or denying: I'm now searching for the better ways of expressing the real me inside?

Quote from: Artemis on February 20, 2012, 09:16:47 AM
My executive function is better then ever?

I've actually said much the same to my therapist.  Since you phrased it as executive function I'll carry that analogy further.  It is as if we had a process running in the background that "watched" how we acted and kept us steered as male as possible.  Once you come to accept that you are trans, you turn it off.  This means that your natural behaviors and responses are able to be exposed and aren't suppressed.  I also think it was a VERY expensive process and once we turn it off, we have so many more cycles to spend elsewhere.

Some of your responses have been suppressed for so long it may take a while before they come back (continual negative reinforcement).

*****EDIT******

BTW, it gets even better when you come out to everyone because you have no worries about hiding behaviors anywhere.

Quote from: Artemis on February 20, 2012, 09:16:47 AM
Ever since I became aware or my gender conflict I notice that my behavior is changed?

While situation is not right, I seem to be doing well?

I do not feel as depressed as before. I get enough sleep, my head is clear. I noticed that I tend to sit up straight? My walk has become much more fluid, more yielding and going with the flow. My executive function is better then ever? I even started playing chess again.

No more hiding or denying: I'm now searching for the better ways of expressing the real me inside?

I've also noticed these sorts of changes...I think it's great. I'm more at ease and more free to be 'me' with other people, even if I'm still presenting as male.

I have a question though: why do you keep ending your declarative sentences with a question mark? "While the situation is not right, I seem to be doing well" is not a question: it's a statement. Same with, "My executive function is better then [sic] ever?" That's not a question.

I don't really know what you mean by "realization." For me it was just a slow process of accepting that I didn't want to hide who I am forever.

So I can't say my behavior changed much as a result of deciding to transition 

Quote from: rachl on February 20, 2012, 11:46:48 AM
I've also noticed these sorts of changes...I think it's great. I'm more at ease and more free to be 'me' with other people, even if I'm still presenting as male.

Like a burden we carried around all our lives is slightly lifted.

Quote from: rachl on February 20, 2012, 11:46:48 AMI have a question though: why do you keep ending your declarative sentences with a question mark? "While the situation is not right, I seem to be doing well" is not a question: it's a statement. Same with, "My executive function is better then [sic] ever?" That's not a question.

I think I do that because its still very "new" to me? It's my way of tip-toeing onto an unfamiliar platform, praying that it will support my weight and doesn't come crashing down. I will try to minimize it in the future.

Quote from: pretty on February 20, 2012, 02:46:17 PMI don't really know what you mean by "realization."

For me it was rather more of an aha-erlebnis? I knew something was going on: I had frequently noticed that my natural behavior tended to be feminine, many times that masculine was alien to me. I knew that I disliked "mr" for my name, disliked gendered restrooms, disliked gendered anything really. I knew that the stuff that I likes where mostly for girls and that most of the stuff for boys was stupid and boring. I knew that I didn't like the video games that boys liked to play. I was diagnosed with autism, or rather I diagnosed myself, which was later confirmed, and again I noticed that my own experiences did not match with the experience of boys with autism, but match perfectly with the experiences of girls with autism. Then I lost weight and one day I noticed that my body didn't really look masculine, which turned out to be XXY. Only after that did I start to think about my gender identity. This went on until about september 2012 when I finally realized the meaning of all these little hints that I already knew but could never place.

Quote from: Jeneva on February 20, 2012, 09:39:49 AMI've actually said much the same to my therapist.  Since you phrased it as executive function I'll carry that analogy further.  It is as if we had a process running in the background that "watched" how we acted and kept us steered as male as possible.  Once you come to accept that you are trans, you turn it off.  This means that your natural behaviors and responses are able to be exposed and aren't suppressed.  I also think it was a VERY expensive process and once we turn it off, we have so many more cycles to spend elsewhere.

Looking back I can truthfully say that my whole life until does not make any sense at all, unless it's understood from the context that I always was a girl who had the misfortune that some rare genetic/developmental disorder caused her to be born looking like a boy.

The weird thing is.. when someone discovers as an adult that they have some genetic or developmental disorder let say something about their heart or longs, other people usually don't challenge such a diagnosis? Usually other people just accept it as fact. Usually people don't feel the need to challenge the diagnosis based on they own memories. Usually people don't feel uncomfortable about them not noticing anything like this before.

But when it's this particular developmental disorder suddenly everybody brings up their own (very fragmented, selective & faulty) memories as evidence against this diagnosis. They usually jump to the "fix the mind" solution as-if I would still be the same person if this body would be home to a totally different personality with totally different preference, desires, needs and feelings? They deny it, bargain with you, they get angry...

Quote from: Jeneva on February 20, 2012, 09:39:49 AMBTW, it gets even better when you come out to everyone because you have no worries about hiding behaviors anywhere.

I think they go through somewhat like a period of grief? After a while almost everyone will adjust to the new situation and then people start to accept you as you are, regardless of what you seemed to be before, especially if they see that you are now much happier then before.