I've improved a great deal since my coming out and early transition. But I still can't seem to take on very much. If something comes along to disrupt my equilibrium, I quickly become overwhelmed and start losing it. If I absolutely have to, I can hold myself together for long enough to get through a workday--so that's a blessing. But when work is over, I fall into an abyss for a while.
I used to exert very firm control over all aspects of my life, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that a loss of control sends me into a tailspin. When that happens, I panic. I pace around and talk to myself. I get angry and emotional. I can't think straight, and I have no real perspective. I lose the ability to tell myself, "This is only temporary. You'll get through this. Take a deep breath and prioritize. It will be okay."
Later on, I do finally tell myself something like that, but only after I've lost it. It's freaking embarrassing. I mean, I have my meltdowns at home for the most part, so other people can't see. But I sometimes come here and post some kind of desperate I'm-melting message in the mod forums. Or, occasionally, I post on another site I go to. Afterward, I feel pretty silly. Like I'm being a drama queen.
I used to immediately think, "I can't take this. It's better to be dead." I don't do that so much anymore, so I know I'm making progress. But, naturally, I would rather not have these meltdowns at all. How do you react when you become overwhelmed, and how do you deal with it? Maybe I can get a few valuable suggestions, something to help me next time this happens. 'Cause I'm pretty sure it will.