So I have my first doctors appointment this week, and I'm freaking out. I know what I'm like and I know that I'll chicken out and just avoid the whole trans thing. I'm just really stressing out about it, the other night I broke down and slashed the hell out of my chest because I just wanted it gone.
I had a family gathering the other week and everyone was calling me she/her and using my old name. It makes me angry because my family knows and they could see that it was upsetting me but they didn't stop.
I don't know, I'm just really upset and lost feeling. Plus I'm on the worst period of my life right now, and it's just like my body is mocking me.
And the guy I'm seeing keeps telling me I'm beautiful, which is fine I guess, but I'd rather be handsome... Being called beautiful just sets me off (The whole you're too pretty to be a boy thing.) and I don't know how to tell him it really upsets me.

I just want to curl up and cry forever.

Sorry you're having a rough time. Just put one foot in front of the other, and try not to let everything build up into a wall. One issue at a time. Hugs, Devlyn

Try to assume the doctor's on your side unless proven otherwise - it really helps. Take small steps xx

My heart goes out to you TheManicbard, I think about how hard it has been for me to transition and then I read how you guys still have to have period and I just can't imagine how awful that is. by the look of your avatar you look like a very handsome young man.

Thanks ladies, I feel a bit better after my little vent.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Take it easy, and be safe.

Family situations are a pain in the ass. Horrible to hear you're dealing with all this BS right now, and Padma makes a good point about doctors.

Does the guy you're seeing know you're ftm? 'Cause if he does, and he's a decent guy, you could always ask him not to say it. Possibly. I think that whole "you're too pretty to be a boy durrhurr" thing is absolutely stupid, too. Plenty of guys that I'd sooner call "beautiful" than "handsome", but I've got odd tastes in men.

-hugs-  What your family did was messed up.  I would start misgendering them and call them a random name if they do it again.  I'm sorry it's that time of the month for you.  -hugs- Hang in there mate.

-hug- Gosh, I am so sorry that you are having a rough time. I don't have any advice for family, but like Padma said, assume the doctor is on your side. I called a doctor's office and set myself up as a new patient to start HRT once I get my letter, and I can honestly say calling that doctor's office and going in afterwards was the most terrifying thing I have done in my adult life. But, I was surprised by the professionalism of the office and just how kind the staff and doctor were to me.

One foot in front of the other is the way I do it. I'm sure plenty of folks here (myself included) understand, and I feel pretty confident saying that we're here for you.

@N.Chaos
Yeah, boything does know I'm ftm, and he's way awesome about it, but he's known me a long time, so I think it's hard for him to really see me as a guy. Like, he tries, don't get be wrong, but still...

I dunno, I'm just scared I think. When I came out to my parents a few months ago my Dad made that whole 'Noone will ever love you' speil. And normally, I can just ignore the bull**** that comes from my ignorant parents. But that was kind of huge, and now I just get all anxious and lonely. Like curl up in a doona and cry over Julie Andrews films kind of lonely.

When I came out to my mum as gay years ago (back when I was kidding myself that this was what was going on ), and she pulled this whole "I don't want you ending up a sad, lonely old man" thing on me, I pointed out to her that she was 70, and the reason why she wasn't a sad, lonely old woman didn't have anything to do with who she wanted to ->-bleeped-<-, and had everything to do with her capacity to make friends with people. Then she got it.

Just keep good connexions with people and you'll have a good life.

And thanks to Cindy James, I knew what a doona was without having to use google! I love Susans! Hugs, Devlyn

@Devlyn What do you call a doona?

Don't forget that a good doctor can become a great ally. And that peoples' words don't change who you are. You look good. Just hang on to yourself.

Thanks Felix. I think I needed to hear that.
You guys are awesome. I wish I had some friends in the real world that get how painful all this is.

I call it a Yellow Lab!