As you can all imagine from the title, I've had many long and arduous battles with my sexuality (Gender identity of course, is a whole different story, being that I've completely come to terms with it, so really, I guess that this thread might not belong in the FtM section, since it really doesn't have anything to do with that, but ah, I digress)

From the time that I was a child and into my teens, I assumed I like guys. I grew up fantasizing about men and daydreaming about them, and collecting pictures of celebrities, like every other girl. When I was fifteen, I started dating a guy, but as time grew on, I began to hate being around him. I hated when he hit on me, and I grew disgusted with him. I hated kissing him, and I hated being touched by him anymore - even though I was turned on the first time. Eventually, I got so angry with him, that I broke it off. I figured that if I hated being so intimate with a guy, then I couldn't possibly be attracted to any of them. So I came to one conclusion, I must be gay...right?

While I was eighteen (And still content to live life as a girl) I came out as a lesbian, during the next year, I continuously went back and forth between calling myself a lesbian and a bisexual. It seemed right at the time. I liked girls, I was comfortable around them. But none of them every made my stomach flip or my heart flutter like you hear about in movies and cheap ->-bleeped-<-ty books. This is why I bounced back and forth between the two labels constantly.

Eventually, I found the term Pansexual, and said that I was that for a while.

Then, when I started identifying as trans, I began to say that I was a straight male, then, for a week, I called myself gay because I was highly attracted to other FtMs (Some on this sight ;] Hurr) But anyway, yes... not long after, I thought to myself, "No, I'm still straight, I like girls" I've had three girlfriends in my life, and I've never kissed any of them, I've held hands and hugged, but that's really all. One of them kissed me on the cheek, sure, I was surprised, but...I didn't really feel anything else when it happened. Eventually, I realized that even though I like girls, I do find some men attractive and I wouldn't even mind making out with them - But I will NEVER let a man (Perhaps even anyone) touch my, well...that...However, I don't actually find myself grossed out by the idea of sleeping with a man...as long as it's...in a gay way >___O; Yes, I admit, the idea of anal with a guy is more appealing than vaginal to me, call me crazy if you must. And yet, the idea of sleeping with a girl just doesn't do it for me...Like, I don't know how I could find it satisfying in either position. I don't like the idea of taking it from a girl, but strapping on a fake cock and slamming my hips back and forth just sounds like a lot of fruitless work to me...

And at this very moment, I'm sort of on a five night long date with a certain girl. We met online and she came to my state to stay with me. She came on Tuesday, and it's Friday night, today we held hands and snuggled, and I felt...hollow. Like, I wasn't excited or giddy or nervous or anything. Holding her hand felt cold and mechanical. I don't know if maybe I've detached myself from her because she's told me that she'll be moving around the world for the rest of her life and maybe I'm intimidated by that. But either way, GAH!!!

I'm just so frustrated.

I'm starting to worry that I may be asexual.

It seems like, no matter who I'm with, they just don't turn me on or anything. I know that sounds weird, but it really bothers me. I don't want to be alone.

But at the same time, I'm still attracted to men, I just get reluctant when it comes to sleeping with them (which may be connected to the idea of getting pregnant)
I'm starting to think that I'm just scared to death that I might actually be gay. Maybe I've been confusing attraction for admiration? >.<;

>.<; I know that none of you can magically give me the answer,
But it would be nice to know if I'm not the only one who's had this much confusion stemming from my sexuality.
I feel like I should just magically know who I'm attracted to. It shouldn't be this complicated.
And I can't help but worry that maybe I just won't ever find anyone who 'does it for me,'
It's so concerning >___O; At least to me.

Anyone who can relate? Any advice?

Are you suffering from Depression?  I was for a long time and experienced what is known as Depersonalisation.  I felt like I was inside a bubble and unable to experience any real affection for anyone, or much in the way of other emotional connection either.
It sounds like that is what you might be experiencing, at a guess.
It is a protective mechanism the mind uses when you are feeling very vulnerable.  Once my Depression ended, so did it, and I was able to react emotionally.
Just a thought.

Karen.

That's definitely a possibility that I've sort of overlooked, I suppose.
I had minor depression a few years ago and haven't really suffered from it since,
I'm thinking that it's sort of gone away thanks to therapy, identifying as trans, and of course, lots of pills.
I didn't really consider that, probably because my therapist has never mentioned me showing any signs of it,
But maybe I'll have to look into that a little bit and ask for a second opinion. It definitely couldn't hurt.
Thanks for your input, Karen!

I'm sorry you're feeling like this, mate - I wish I had the answers, I really do.  But maybe it's as simple as you just haven't found the right person.  It sounds a little like you may be trying to hard to force yourself into a "gay" or "straight" box - but I would ask, why do you need a label?  Maybe you are asexual, maybe not.  Sometimes when we stop trying so hard, we find who and what we are meant to be - and to be with.  If no one is doing anything for you sexually, then just forget about a sexual relationship and focus on forging friendships instead.  You'll find your way - just give it time.

All those words define behaviors.  You seem to want to choose the word - the description/category/group - and then try to follow that behavior.  Don't worry about the word, the definition or anyone else value judgement about it - all that stuff is fluid anyway.  Find people/things/spaces you react to and work it from there.  You don't know until you go.

Quote from: Kreuzfidel on March 17, 2012, 04:33:23 AM
I'm sorry you're feeling like this, mate - I wish I had the answers, I really do.  But maybe it's as simple as you just haven't found the right person.  It sounds a little like you may be trying to hard to force yourself into a "gay" or "straight" box - but I would ask, why do you need a label?  Maybe you are asexual, maybe not.  Sometimes when we stop trying so hard, we find who and what we are meant to be - and to be with.  If no one is doing anything for you sexually, then just forget about a sexual relationship and focus on forging friendships instead.  You'll find your way - just give it time.

Yeah, I supposed your right about that.
Thanks for the comments, I appreciate it.
Maybe I just need some more time, after all, I haven't really had a very serious relationship before.
It's just that, it seems like other people just 'know' so I guess I feel like I need to know right away too and it bothers me taht I don't >.<;
But I suppose that stressing over it isn't going to help anything and will probably just end up giving me a hernia.

It took me forever and ever to figure out what I liked, lots of trial and error, and then once I was sure it started changing again. That's okay. Don't feel too bad or second-guess yourself too much. Everybody has their own paths to getting off and there's not near as much homogeneity in tastes as we like to pretend. And it's dynamic. You can define yourself today and redefine yourself tomorrow if you feel like it.

I hear ya...

Growing up I identified as a straight female (although ALL of the men I was attracted to were gay--which made more sense later in life when coming out as Trans).  At 18 I came out as Bi, had a girlfriend the following summer, dated a guy a year and a half later (the only 2 "real" relationships I've had).  As time has gone on though, I've started to see myself as Asexual, however I don't in any way, shape or form see this as a bad thing.  I'm still physically attracted to both men and women, but there's is absolutely no romantic or sexual attraction to either sex/gender.  It is a very weird feeling.  My friend I were talking about it recently too; if I WERE to have sex, it'd be with another guy, but I have absolutely no desire/intention to.  I enjoy being single though; I don't believe in love (which could explain being asexual) so none of this stuff really bothers me, just makes me wonder a lot, haha.   

I don't know if this really helps at all, but was just trying to let you know you're not alone haha 

I think it's people ... not just sex. Sounds like you haven't done a lot of actually sexual things with people because you haven't found anyone that really flips your switch or gives you that "fluttery" feeling. I think often times with sexuality it takes a lot of experimentation to figure out what it is you like or don't like. And don't be overly concerned with finding 1 specific label for yourself. Like tekla said find things and people that do give you a reaction and go from there.

as always I can't tell you what you are and not, its 100% your own fellings who are invold but this is what I thought.
------
if you really NEVER had any kinds of attraction to girls then it dosent seam as your would be straight,
even some asexuals can feel romantically attractions without the sexual point, its also manly the reason I call myself bisexual, I rarely find myself attracted to real girls, but when I do its often because I somehow "fall in love with them kind of felling", and not just a "I wanna bang her" felling.

I somehow think your problem might be because your unsure by yourself,
your questionating whatever you are asexual, am thinking more like.
Do you actually wanna have sex/feel attracted to someone so you get the chill? those kind of fellings because then you as far I know wouldnt be asexual, unless the attraction is non-sexual.

I just wondering maybe your kinda been like when I where younger, I was a sexual creature but I didnt knew what to do about the sexual thing, I wanted to have sex with a girl or guy but i didnt knew how with my current body?
I thought girls were way more easy, but also less interesting to me,
guys seamed more interesting for me but also more dangerous like your mention I always been afraid of pregnacy + the steryotype would put me to be a girl if I where together with a guy. I didnt want that.

I think sometimes its easy to lable ourself with something we arnt, because its simple just more easy like I tried to be straight cause it was the "like real guys wasnt gay" and because girls just seamed more simple and without to many trouble.
I heard many ftm who have label themself because it where more easy.
but its not real, its not real to base your attraction or your relationships or fellings on things because there most simple that way and in the end it just gets pointless.

we have to ask ourself what we deep inside feel, and want and then forgetting others words and views, about you would be a lesbian if your with a girl,
or you will just be the girl if your with a guy..
cause NO im not a lesbian or a straight girl so why should I be in those labels?
if we just for a moment think about it from our view and forget all problems, all things who could keep you away from going so far.

just stop for a time to forget all those, and think if everything where perfect what you would like?
then you will probably get the most honest answer yourself.

I have some ideas that might be worth thinking over?

I'm gay, and have almost always known as much. Even when I was presenting as female, I knew I was deeply into gay men. Even then though, every relationship I had with a guy left me feeling sour, and I had no idea why. I know now in retrospect that it was the aspect of being treated like a female in a relationship that left me hating it, even if I initially loved it/the other person.

Recently I've been flirting with a girl at work a lot, and I'm not entirely sure why. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I'm not able to form those emotional connections with women, and I don't really find them attractive or appealing, but having that closeness with someone is fun and enjoyable. But that doesn't in any way invalidate my identity as a gay man, and it certainly doesn't make me straight or bisexual.

Before I had my first physical relationship, the thought of sex sickened me. I didn't want anything to do with it, and I was more than prepared to live out my life that way. However, after being intimate with people I now know that the fear I felt was really unfounded. Sex doesn't have to be PIV or penetrative in any way to still be a joining of you and your partner, and people will find what works for them. Being able to bring a partner pleasure is a lot of fun, and can leave you with a great feeling, even if you don't get off yourself. For me that makes it more than worth it.

I think the biggest thing you should try and do is remove the sex from the relationship equasion. To me it kinda seems like you're asking yourself 'Am I attracted to women?' while somehow answering your question with the answer to 'Do I want to have sex with a woman?', and those two things don't have to be connected. More often than not when it comes to relationship based sex, it's enjoyable because you've formed a deep connection with the person. At that point it's not a man or a woman that you're having sex with, but 'Sarah' or 'Tom', the person who makes you feel amazing and tingly all over.

Most importantly, relax! It's not the end of the world if it takes you a long time to work things out, and don't try to force yourself into any boxes either! Be happy being you, and the rest will come later.

Quote from: GentlemanRDP on March 17, 2012, 05:11:37 AM
Yeah, I supposed your right about that.
Thanks for the comments, I appreciate it.
Maybe I just need some more time, after all, I haven't really had a very serious relationship before.
It's just that, it seems like other people just 'know' so I guess I feel like I need to know right away too and it bothers me taht I don't >.<;
But I suppose that stressing over it isn't going to help anything and will probably just end up giving me a hernia.

many people have been insecure about there sexuality in a way or another.
but its a taboo to mention if ex a straight guy wonders if he might be gay, or a guy man who is living as a straight guy or a bisexual who are in denial about his attraction to men.

I myself where pretty confussed growing up as bisexual, first into guys, then girls, then guys again, then girls then guys.. and the point that your trans dosent really make it more easy.
-__- in the end I desided that it wasnt so important whatever I only liked boys or girls or both.