I HATE myself. I am so weak and stupid. I've been struggling with self esteem issues for a long time now because of the abuse and I despise myself for being weak enough to have self esteem issues. I hate how self esteem issues make me weak. I thought that, finally, FINALLY, I was conquering them. Then this crap started.
If gender was real, I wouldn't mind. Honestly, I really like feeling male. But gender can't be real. Why? Because everywhere I look, it says that gender is the illogical social construct that other people were raised with. Therefore, it can't exist. I am physically female. All I should feel is female.
No, I was not raised with gender roles. I have barely encountered them and it was a shock to find out not only that people still believed in them, but what some of them are. When I say I do not comprehend gender roles, I mean I do not comprehend them, but for some reason, people keep thinking that means I'm purposely rejecting or subverting them. I'm not. I can't even begin to comprehend them enough to do anything purposely with them. I've even gotten into arguments with people who do purposely subvert them because I thought they were randomly and unfairly insulting people for liking things they don't.
Except now I feel the way I do. Am I really that stupid? Am I another idiot who believes in something that, to me, makes about as much sense as scientology? (Sorry if anyone here is a scientologist.) I HATE being stupid.
Not to mention, then that means that all that time I said I don't believe in that tripe, I was being a hypocrite. I HATE hypocrites.
Since it doesn't exist, I can't possibly be feeling the way I think I do. That makes me a fake and a liar on top of being an complete moron. I HATE fakes and liars.
Sorry for my anger. I'm not good at keeping it inside and, right now, I want to beat myself to a bloody pulp.

Quote from: Edge on April 08, 2012, 08:26:53 AM
If gender was real, I wouldn't mind. Honestly, I really like feeling male. But gender can't be real. Why? Because everywhere I look, it says that gender is the illogical social construct that other people were raised with. Therefore, it can't exist. I am physically female. All I should feel is female.

I'm not sure I agree with this. Even if it were only a social construct, it has to have a basis somewhere, it doesn't just appear out of thin air. Where did the first person ever to feel male or female get that feeling from? Whoever it was who wrote the rule book on what being male or female was... where did they get that information from? The ether? Wizards? Dancing unicorns?

Personally I think people just haven't come up with a better explanation. I mean plenty of people gravitate towards one or the other even in the total absence of being told that this is how they must act, or this is what a girl or a boy is. They just do what they feel. We don't mimic the world around us, devoid of any sort of individuality. Maybe some do who don't have a developed sense of self, but that doesn't apply to everyone.

Just answer this: how does feeling male feel to you? Why do you like it?

Either way, there's nothing weak about having self-esteem issues, hon. If anything, it takes strength to admit to them and to face them, rather than trying to pretend everything's just peachy and getting your insides all twisted up. *hug*

Looking at mythology, I always thought the "superiority" of men was started to keep people like the war goddesses from getting out of control. (Not that I agree with that since males can also be aggressive, most people in general aren't that much of a threat anyway, and "superiority" and "inferiority" is stupid.) It turns out I was wrong, so I have no friggin clue.
How does being male feel to me? I don't know how to describe it. My personality is the same.  My upper body, hips, and legs feel like they should be male shaped. I still don't care what private parts I have. I like it because I'm more sure that I feel male than when I feel female. I'm starting to hate it too though because I can't forget how stupid I am being.
The fluid thing feels like an extension of my other thing, but that can't be real either.

well you have the freedom to choose which construct you feel most comfortable living in

You miss my point. I would rather die in a very painful way than be so stupid as to live in an imaginary construct that makes no sense. Telling me I have a choice is like confirming that I am obviously mind numbingly stupid and telling me I can either be a complete moron or a complete idiot.

I've often heard it said that gender is a social construct. I'm still not convinced that's true. I will accept that gender roles are social constructs. I don't necessarily have a problem with those who adhere to "tradition," provided that they've examined these traditions and make a conscious decision to embrace them.

For example: I became a husband and father at age 19. I made a conscious decision to accept the roles of husband and father and do what I could to support my family. That said, these were in some ways superficial. My (then) wife and I didn't have much for gender roles. I was not threatened when she made more money than me, and I loved cooking dinner and doing "domestic" stuff.

For years, decades, I had self-esteem issues. These were, in a way, tied to gender roles. I didn't like sports, I'm not fast or strong. As a boy growing up like this in the 1970's and '80's, I found this to be very stressful. It wasn't until I was about 40 and I began exploring just what my gender identity truly was that my self-esteem began to improve. I began transitioning at age 41, and for the first time in 30 years I had consistently better self-esteem.

Shortly thereafter my wife of nearly 23 years said she didn't want to be married to a woman and said she wanted a divorce.

If I had owned a gun, I would not have lived through June of last year.

In September, we celebrated our 23rd and final wedding anniversary, and my self-esteem has been a roller-coaster ride ever since then.

It's been two months since our divorce became final. On Ash Wednesday this year, I decided that I'd give up self-loathing for Lent. Let's just say it hasn't been one of my more successful Lenten fasts.

I don't think that low self-esteem is a sign of weakness. I think it's something that happens to us, and that it can be influenced by external factors.

If you believe that gender does not exist, then that's what you believe. I believe otherwise. That doesn't mean that one of us is right and the other is wrong. I wouldn't say that gender roles don't exist, but they are (to me) constructs.

Questioning one's identity (gender, sexual, etc) can be a stressful thing. At least, it has been for me.

Hang in there. We're here for you.

Thank you very much for sharing. I still feel like crap, but I do feel a little better.
I want to believe gender exists so that I don't hate myself for what I feel. But I don't want to feel what I think I feel if gender refers to the "roles" because that doesn't compute. Not only are gender roles a completely foreign concept for me, that explanation for the way I feel makes zero sense. I want to understand why I feel the way I do.

Quote from: Edge on April 08, 2012, 10:55:00 AM
I want to understand why I feel the way I do.

For me, this took the help of a therapist.