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When "those thoughts" come, it's time?

Started by Wild Flower, April 26, 2012, 02:01:29 AM

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Wild Flower

Ok, it's been 4 yrs since I thought I was transgender... I am severely depress tonight. Not crying depress, but "what's the point of all this" depress.

I want to be a woman. I don't want to be rejected by family. They are both equally strong, but I am getting those thoughts where I feel like... well just giving up on it all. I want to live though, I love life, but I don't want to be a man anymore in this life.
"Anyone who believes what a cat tells him deserves all he gets."
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Issee

Wow, I was browsing through this site when I saw your post. I had to make an account to respond. For me, I always felt that I would never tell my parents. But yea, I got to about the same point. I was so depressed, I was thinking, "what is the point of living anymore if I just keep this inside me." The next day I told my mom, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but it had to be done. (I'm 18) I realize the journey ahead of me is even harder, I've already started counseling but when I have fear and get doubts I just think about it. How hopeless I feel, how empty I am inside, I need to do this. I don't know how young you are but I wouldn't wait any longer if I was you. I don't know how your parents are though, because so far the only person I've told is my mom and she took it surprisingly well. If you feel like your parents are very strict and would kick you out or do something drastic then I don't know what to say, but who knows it might end up better than you think. What are your parents like?

Sorry for the wall, I'm new to posting on forums.
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Constance

Wild Flower,

First, I feel that I should link you to this thread: Suicide Hotlines--Numbers You Can Call. I'm not sure how depressed you are currently, but the information in that thread could be helpful. If, as Issee suggests, you could be facing eviction if you come out it's possible that the hotlines in the above thread could link you to resources.

Okay, that's the practical advice.

What works for any given person with regards to transition might not work for others. For me, my suicidal ideation came about after hearing my wife tell me she didn't want to be married to a woman. This was a year or two after she told me that even if I needed to transition she wouldn't leave me.

Transition isn't easy. At least, it hasn't been for me. Unfortunately the only way to find out who will be on your side or not is to come out. For decades I'd hear my dad talk about how awful queers were. Now that his second son is growing up to be a woman, he seems to be changing his mind on that score. I'm not entirely convinced yet, but we'll how this plays out.

A therapist could probably help you with what you're facing. Mine certainly has helped me. I still have days when I think "Why am I bothering to do any of this?" The reason is hope. I continue to have hope that it will get better. Hope can be a dangerous and inconsiderate thing, so I try to keep my hopes vague.

What works for me (usually) is to use curiosity as a form of hope. I keep going forward with a sense of curiosity to see how things develop.

Wild Flower

Quote from: Issee on April 26, 2012, 08:32:56 AM
Wow, I was browsing through this site when I saw your post. I had to make an account to respond. For me, I always felt that I would never tell my parents. But yea, I got to about the same point. I was so depressed, I was thinking, "what is the point of living anymore if I just keep this inside me." The next day I told my mom, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but it had to be done. (I'm 18) I realize the journey ahead of me is even harder, I've already started counseling but when I have fear and get doubts I just think about it. How hopeless I feel, how empty I am inside, I need to do this. I don't know how young you are but I wouldn't wait any longer if I was you. I don't know how your parents are though, because so far the only person I've told is my mom and she took it surprisingly well. If you feel like your parents are very strict and would kick you out or do something drastic then I don't know what to say, but who knows it might end up better than you think. What are your parents like?

Sorry for the wall, I'm new to posting on forums.

It hits me every 2-3 months, I really suppress it well the past 2 weeks though with my job keeping me busy.  I stop taking spiro for a couple of weeks now, but I am considering going back on it, since I thought "be a guy in this life". I'm 20 yrs old. I taken spiro since I was 18, on-off, so I hope that helps me when I transition.

If I get disowned by them completely, then the worse thing that can happen is I lose them. Which is hard, but it's not like I depend on them...

Connie Anne,
Well I wasn't at that point, but I was close to that point a couple of months ago of thinking about it. Thanks for your help... it's not easy and I don't expect it to be easy.


 
"Anyone who believes what a cat tells him deserves all he gets."
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Constance

Family stuff is messy, that's been my experience. Losing my marriage was the single worst thing that ever happened to me. But I'm recovering, and in spite of that loss I find that in general I'm a happier person now that I'm in transition.

A

I think the one most important thing for you is going to get a good therapist, preferably one who specializes in gender issues. Going back and forth and suppressing feelings doesn't work; it worsens everything over time. And yes, telling your parents is important; essential, even.

If your parents are especially religious and zero tolerant, they might react badly, and if you're living with them, you might want to prepare measures in case they kick you out. But it remains relatively rare phenomenon in the 21st century for people to react so badly, in my opinion, at least.

But whatever their reaction is - and it's unlikely to be very negative, I believe - you have to tell them. The very worst, rare scenario is that they don't want to have contacts with you again. But if you think of it, if you never tell them and distance yourself from them to transition, the result is the same, so in practical terms, you don't really have anything to lose by telling them.

Finally, if you are the same "wild flower" who used to post here a few months ago and then left, I must say that knowing your previous irresponsible, dangerous and impulsive decisions, unless some major change has occurred, you'll need to see a psychologist or psychiatrist quickly to get that recurring, major issue of yours looked into before going into transition and similar things.

If you're not, ignore the above paragraph.
A's Transition Journal
Last update: June 11th, 2012
No more updates
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luna nyan

Hi Wild Flower,
If you're depressed, the others have already given you some very good advice - please have that lifeline number somewhere handy, and get yourself to a therapist as soon as you can.

You mentioned you've been on and off spiro - I suspect that yo-yoing isn't helping your mood/stability.  Please have your levels checked and get yourself stable (either on or off - just commit to one for the time being to help get yourself in a steady state hormonally) - that may help with the depression.  Please note that spiro does interact with some anti-depressant meds (stops them from working).

Simply put, please get some therapy (psych) and work with your psych and endo to stabilise your situation, and then work out what you _really_ want to do with your life from there.  You're still young, and there's time for you to sort things out and have a great result either way.
Drifting down the river of life...
My 4+ years non-transitioning HRT experience
Ask me anything!  I promise you I know absolutely everything about nothing! :D
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Wild Flower

I was ma'amed twice today in regular uniform. Only from the back though.

Cool... since i haven't had that happen to me in months. 

Yeah I am the same Wild Flower, but I have more savings, so I don't need to be "desperate" to find success in life. I am not rich by no means, but I have a sense of security now.
"Anyone who believes what a cat tells him deserves all he gets."
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A

I would tend to think that the very fact that you did those things warrants good therapy. But if you think something has changed, I believe you. Well, having a job is an improvement, isn't it? ^^
A's Transition Journal
Last update: June 11th, 2012
No more updates
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Wild Flower

Quote from: A on April 29, 2012, 08:58:26 PM
I would tend to think that the very fact that you did those things warrants good therapy. But if you think something has changed, I believe you. Well, having a job is an improvement, isn't it? ^^

Having a steady paycheck is good. I had  a job before but my family was sucking my money, "oh could you help us here... and here... and here".

I had to do what I had to do so I could be away from them.
"Anyone who believes what a cat tells him deserves all he gets."
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luna nyan

Quote from: Wild Flower on April 29, 2012, 09:28:44 PM
I had to do what I had to do so I could be away from them.

Sometimes family is toxic and sadly that's all you can do.  We have a saying in my extended family "be civilised to each other" which basically means meeting at family gatherings, be all fake and superficial, and thus avoid fights.  It kinda sucks, but it also means that meetings are infrequent.  (I'd rather a nice closeknit functional family, but you can't pick your family.)

I try and compensate by trying to have a small group of very good friends.
Drifting down the river of life...
My 4+ years non-transitioning HRT experience
Ask me anything!  I promise you I know absolutely everything about nothing! :D
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