Not really sure where to post this topic, so...yea...

Over the past couple of weeks I've been finding myself getting much more apprehensive about transitioning and my work situation. I think that it's all coming up because I'm really starting to see changes in myself and on top of that I'm just really tired of pretending to be male in daily life and I want to get on with living MY life. I have completely accepted the fact that transitioning may probably mean that I will not be afforded some of the career opportunities that may have come my way if I didn't transition and I'm completely ok with that. In fact I'm much happier with the though of living as who I really am rather than the notion of forcing myself to be someone I'm not just to enjoy my work. I've already given up working in restaurants, at least for the time being, just to remove myself from an environment where it really wouldn't have been possible for me to transition.

So anyway I'm a private chef. Nobody to report to but me, and I can be a real pain in my butt sometimes as far as being my boss goes Work is something that I enjoy and keeps me in a world that I'm passionate about. Great. But my reason for worrying is that my business is completely word of mouth and referrals, and as such things can turn sour pretty fast for me. To make it better, I have a few very conservative clients who I can't picture being ok with me (although on the flip side I have some amazing clients, one who already knows and is happy to have me come work without putting out my male persona). I'm trying to be pragmatic about it and I'm completely expecting the worst out of all this and planning for it already so that I'm not going to be surprised when things don't turn out.

I guess what really is getting to me right now is the fact that I've backed myself into a corner where I'm going to have to share some very personal/intimate information with quite a few people whom I barely know, and some of who I wouldn't trust if my life depended on it. This to me is something totally different from coming out to my family and friends since I already had an idea of what I was getting myself into. I mean, my friends became my friends because we had similar values/ideas/mindsets and I've always thought that similar people seem to gravitate towards each other. I really got myself into the situation I'm in right now since I chose my job because I thought it might make transitioning easier when it came to telling my boss/coworkers/etc since I wouldn't have any. Yes when I made the decision it totally felt like I was running away from confronting my fears, and that was even something that I raised as an issue with my therapist. But back then, when I started this business, I wasn't out to friends or family and I was just terrified of having to tell anyone so I wasn't really thinking clearly.

So I guess I was wondering, are there people out there that have been in a similar situation to what I'm coming up to, the whole disclosure to strangers and transition with your own business part? I mean I'm prepared for things to fall apart on me, and I'm willing to pick up the pieces and try and put them back together. This is obviously something that is going to get done, but in a lot of ways I'm still pretty lost in how to get it there 

Any thoughts on the matter would definitely be appreciated. Sorry for the long post

Wear one of these:




and no one will focus on your gender appearance.  They will be in awe of your headgear.

Quote from: Alexis on April 27, 2012, 12:27:22 PM


I guess what really is getting to me right now is the fact that I've backed myself into a corner where I'm going to have to share some very personal/intimate information with quite a few people whom I barely know, and some of who I wouldn't trust if my life depended on it. This to me is something totally different from coming out to my family and friends since I already had an idea of what I was getting myself into. I mean, my friends became my friends because we had similar values/ideas/mindsets and I've always thought that similar people seem to gravitate towards each other. I really got myself into the situation I'm in right now since I chose my job because I thought it might make transitioning easier when it came to telling my boss/coworkers/etc since I wouldn't have any. Yes when I made the decision it totally felt like I was running away from confronting my fears, and that was even something that I raised as an issue with my therapist. But back then, when I started this business, I wasn't out to friends or family and I was just terrified of having to tell anyone so I wasn't really thinking clearly.

So, I "transitioned" at work, so I understand you apprehension, specially since you are self employed, and thus dependant on the external perceptions of other for business.

But first, you have to separate family, friends, people you give bussines, and your costumers

As far as "people" you give bussines, people you buy things from, who cares, they do not like you, you take your business elsewhere

As far as your costumers, you do not have to explain anything, you keep giving them good service; if they comment something, you just say to them"Nothing has change, I am still your good chef," and smile. The costumers that like you, will remain, no matter what, as for the rest, hell with them. You will make new costumers as she-cheff

As for friends, the same, good friends will stick with you no matter what, the rest where not your friends to begin with

As for family, honesty trumps, hard one to advice, dynamics are unique to each family

Best,

Quote from: Jamie D on April 27, 2012, 12:49:02 PM
Wear one of these:

This made me smile 
I hate wearing toques (and even more so neckerchiefs). I always wear a baseball hat though when I cook, with the excuse that it keeps my hair out of people's food, which is actually true. I've really mastered the art of a tight bun cause people who haven't seen me without the hat on definitely have no idea that my hair comes down to past my shoulders.

Quote from: peky on April 27, 2012, 12:55:36 PM
As fro firends, the same, good friends will stick with you no matter what, the rest where not your firend to begin with

As for family, honesty trumps, hard one to advice, dynamics are unique to each family

Best,

Thank you for what you wrote. I guess its just such a hard thing because a lot is going to change depending on how this resolves in the future. I'm preparing for it, but at the same time don't know how, if that makes any sense.

I'm actually out to family and friends. And you're absolutely right, the friends who hang around are your real friends and the ones who leave never were. That to me was so much easier than this though for some reason. Sure I was a wreck, but I think it helped that I knew everyone involved and really didn't have many surprises.

Many M2Fs feel like they have to educate everyone they come into contact with.  Many feel like they have to tell everyone their life story and recite their transition diary.

You don't have to do that.

A little less history, a little more mystery.

People have their own lives to live, their own insecurities, worries, goals, their own narrative...

Don't make the mistake of focusing on banter instead of cooking.

If someone asks a question feel free to give a brief, courteous answer, be respectful. 

Lots of M2Fs seem to think the center of the world has shifted to accommodate them and that the Universe revolves around them.  They begin to think that everything is about them, like they are inventing the wheel or taking the first steps on the surface of the moon.  Not sure why that is but it seems pretty common.

Quote from: Alexis on April 27, 2012, 01:31:28 PM
This made me smile 

That was the idea!  We all need a little humor in our lives. Things can get so stressful.

Good luck in your business.

I knew you had culinary experience when you commented on a post I made about a salad needing to "look" good.

I transitioned at a fire department with over 600 employees at it.  I've been there... well, ages.  A lot of people know me, and most know of me... but really, I hang out with maybe 4 people outside of work that I work with...... so overall, a lot of strangers.

And there are three ways to pass along information fast in the world: Telephone, telegraph, and tell a firefighter.  So once a few people knew, everyone would know.

I guess for me, after the initial shock of suddenly knowing that 600 people would know my secret, I realized that it is who I am just as much as anything else.  So what the heck?  They're going to find out anyway.  I really, really can't believe how positive the experience has been.  I always thought that I would NEVER be able to transition working at a fire department.  But it has been a great experience so far.  I will be full time at work when I get back from FFS in September.  Funny how I thought I could never do it there, and now I know that it will be no problem. 

I also think that my openness about it, and my willingness to talk openly to others who wanted to know / learn really helped the situation... whether they were my "friends" or not.

But I have to say, I've been amazingly blessed along this path...... it's unfortunate that everybody can't be as blessed.  But like I always say, people may just suprise you.

Good luck!!

And there are three ways to pass along information fast in the world: Posted it in facebook, text it, ot tell a firefighter...Sort of modern version 

I've seriously sat here for a while trying to think how to write what's going on in my head because all of this has me thinking in a good way. I don't have to make any sort of decision tomorrow, and I'm grateful for that since I'm not ready to. Its a great feeling being able to talk about my worries with people who have gone through what's ahead for me. I know that in the end I'll make it through, but just reading whats here has helped calm me a bit, and I can't stress how grateful I am for that.

I have dreaded transitioning at my day job as well. Male shovonistic dominated oil field is not exactly the place to be. SO I have decided to go back into business for myself full time to finish my transition. I have a very good word of mouth business, predominantly over the internet and actually have never talked to 99% of my customers. I'm thankful for that however I have decided to expand the business when I take it on full time.  This means that most of my NEW customers will get to see the middle stages and final stages of transition. I present to the public as male but live my life as me. I don't deny who or what I am or what's going on but then again I don't get on the building-tops and shout it for all to hear. I am who I am if you don't like it, don't want to be around it then you don't need to be around me. I'm not going to force you to accept me that was for me to do. There is Far too much to live forward for. I spent 40 years of my life letting them tell me how to live my life, now I'm showing them how the next 40+ are going to go. If people are going to have that shallow of a view of who you are and have to base their entire view of you on what they SEE with the eye then the money they give you isn't worth it. I know money is important in our worlds but who you are doesn't and shouldn't have a price tag on it. Certainly not having to redefine who you are for a buck. I say be proud move forward, who you are and what you are is SO much more important than the shallow view of the ignorant.

My story is somewhat similar. I live in southern indiana(this is where rednecks come from) and was very concerned

about how my customers/clientel would react. Their was an inital negative reaction with employess and some

customers though most new ones whom have never met me had no clue so they only knew me as Amanda.

Now one year later my old persona if refered to by some customers as the "Old Owner". just my experience

Quote from: Noey Nooneson on April 27, 2012, 02:02:17 PM
They begin to think that everything is about them, like they are inventing the wheel or taking the first steps on the surface of the moon.  Not sure why that is but it seems pretty common.

I have my own theories on it and avoiding doing that myself was why I cut my own therapist out of my transition.

My goal for my transition was to have a life that could be described as a woman who is just "another face in the crowd," and that's exactly what I got.

I couldn't avoid being out with coworkers at the university, which was the job I was working when I transitioned, but I did as much as possible to keep it from becoming that sort of an issue there.  Several months after I transitioned at work I accepted an offer doing the same sort of work for a private company. I realized that I had an opportunity to leave that past behind and took it. My approach is that fact of my past is only discussed when it is germane, and it almost never is, i.e. a small number of people in HR know because of the background and reference checks.

Re: Transitioning and work

Keep in mind, transition is temporary. You may end up with a lot of clients later who only know you as a woman.
If you lose a client, it's their loss. To get over the fear, imagine the worst case scenario for a minute - you've lost some clients due to transition and they were pretty nasty about it. But you survive and there are many more waiting in the wings who care only about the quality of your food.
Being true to yourself is never a mistake, personally or professionally. You're doing the right thing and you're not responsible for anyone's response to who you are.
Good luck!

So if I get your original post right, the first thing that comes to mind is getting a lot of good word-of-mouth advertising, so to speak, about your business.

No one can deny excellence

Quote from: SamiT on April 28, 2012, 11:59:34 AM
Male chauvinistic dominated oil field is not exactly the place to be.

Hi Sami.

I spent some time in and around the "patch."  What did you do?  I mostly rode a desk.

I don't know why wrapping my head around coming out at work has been harder for me than doing so with friends and family, since they matter a whole lot more to me than the people that I work for. But after the jobs I had this weekend, I'm definitely realizing that I need to give more credit to some of my clients. Some of them are really great people, and it's definitely possible that I could be surprised by them. Thanks to that and what I've been reading here from everyone I'm starting to think much more along the lines that I was right before I came out to the important people in my life, and its a much less scary concept in thinking like that.

Quote from: SamiT on April 28, 2012, 11:59:34 AM
Male chauvinistic dominated oil field is not exactly the place to be.

Exactly why I felt like I had to leave working in restaurant kitchens, which really stinks because I so loved it. The 80+ hour weeks, the adrenaline rush of service, everything. Job satisfaction wasn't worth even worth the thought of giving up on myself, so it wasn't really much of a choice to leave when I did decide to though.

Quote from: Forum Admin on April 28, 2012, 03:55:41 PM
Keep in mind, transition is temporary. You may end up with a lot of clients later who only know you as a woman.
If you lose a client, it's their loss. To get over the fear, imagine the worst case scenario for a minute - you've lost some clients due to transition and they were pretty nasty about it. But you survive and there are many more waiting in the wings who care only about the quality of your food.
Being true to yourself is never a mistake, personally or professionally. You're doing the right thing and you're not responsible for anyone's response to who you are.
Good luck!

Thinking objectively, the worst case scenario doesn't sound that bad. No I don't want to have to go through it, but in reality if everything did fall apart on me, then I'd just start over from scratch, just like I did this time around. In some ways I'd actually welcome that since then it would be me building things from the ground up and I could finally leave my male life where it belongs, in the past.

Thanks for all the good luck wishes also! They all really mean a lot to me. I have to find a way that I can give back to everyone here who's helped me when I make it 

Happy Cookings Girl!!!