Quote from: luna nyan on April 27, 2012, 06:04:51 AM
If it wasn't for the GID, I'd have a pretty good life by all means
You know, this very idea was a turning point for me... While in therapy, when I was dealing with all the BS I put into my head since I was 4 about all this, I said in a moment of disgust: "You know, the easiest thing to do would be to cut my hair, go back to being Brian, and live a good life!" Well, after the session, I started really thinking about that statement, and it wouldn't leave my head.
First, when have I ever done the EASIEST thing? And why would I want to? To me, I heard myself giving up simply because it is hard. I've had so much success in things that are hard! things people told me I couldn't do! And part of this, showed me that my life was good BECAUSE I am good at doing things that are hard.... but more on that:
I finally heard the statement that my life will only be good if I went back to being Brian. What kind of a self defeating attitude is that? (I said to myself). My life is going to be what I make it, male or female. My life wasn't good because I was Brian, my life was good because I was ME. I did it. I had accomplished those things... my gender didn't!
So I figured out that it is (was) still the FEAR in me. The fear i put in my head since I was little... that no one will love me like this, that I'm f**ked up... that I'm worthless, that something is wrong with me. That fear was still there, and it was coming out in other ways now. And at that moment, I decided to stop living in fear. To tell the little boy that it was ok to feel this way, and tell the little girl that always wanted to be that it was ok to come out and live her life. And I realize, at least for me, that it being hard is part of my path. It is part of my lessons to overcome. It is also to find the confidence of being a 6'2" beauty... I always used to say "why couldn't I be 5'5"? Why couldn't I be gay?... it was just excuses to prevent me from living my life due to FEAR.
In the infinite number of possibilities that exists for me in the Universe, why believe that this (being male) is the ONLY way I'll have a good life? Because I'm still incredibly talented, and I have a lot to offer the world, and that won't change as I change my gender.
Funny how one little statement can awaken positive change.. It was literally that day that gave me the strength to move forward with confidence and conviction.... because I had to ask, "what about me is causing all this fear for me to say something like that"?
Anyway, just another long winded story from Aubrey...
