So I'm finally getting to courage to come out to the people closest to me in my life and my fiancé is taking it the hardest. She okay with it one day then a week later she can't take it. How have some of you been able to break it to your significant others and how are you dealing with it? I've been with her for going on 9 months. Known her only nine months as well. She is a wonderful person and has a huge heart and is everything you look for in that special someone. I'm proud to call her my fiancé. Her biggest problem is that she feels like she has given up everything for me which I agree with prior to meeting me she has her own apartment, furniture. Her sister took over her apartment lease and didn't pay the last month so her names ruined now for rentals so she now says i took her name. So if she leaves she has nothing and is a 30 year old single part time mother without anything (her son doesn't live with us).

Personally I think she's afraid of being judged once I start HRT and begin the process of being who I want to be. It's a shame because I told her who gives a damn what people think and live your life for what makes you happy. She says what made her happy was the person she fell in love with which was mike and I no longer want to be mike. She constintal Tells me she is someone's mother. Which upsets me bad inside when she says it.

I've taken so many steps to my dream over the last month and don't want to stop. Does this make me selfish? I came out to my daughters mom, my brother, my sister, sister in law and I had been seeing a gender theripist for the last month. I'm finally happy to get this secret of mine off my chest and work towards my goal of being my true self. I'm eager to start my laser hair removal tomorrow too!!!

My brother is also having issues but it's nothing without time I feel can be worked out. He feels like he is being abandoned because I was a father figure to him growing up. We didn't have a dad.

I haven't told my mother or grandma yet and plan to in the next couple weeks.

My daughters mom is supportive as all hell said when it's time for us to talk to our daughter about it we can do it together and I'm sure she will understand.

My sisters eager to have a big sister her only thought is that she will miss her big brother.

This is about my fiancé though... Just wanted to shed some more hindsight.

Hi Serena Lynn,

Your SO is in a really tough situation. Everything you said here about her situation and what she says is absolutely truth and right in my experience.
She is in a really tough situation and she has no way out of it.

From what you are describing you are a bit on a fast side when it comes to making life altering decisions. Fiancé after only 9 months of dating and you coming out after she has moved in with you, all within that time! Really?

You have to slow way down and even then there is no guarantee!!! Let me just be frank, the pace and the order of actions you choose for your coming out and starting your transition is working very much against you and you fiancé.
How about including her into your gender therapist visits too? Or separate from that, couple counseling for you two?

this is one of her last worries believe me:

Quote from: Serena Lynn on April 30, 2012, 06:28:29 PM
Personally I think she's afraid of being judged once I start HRT and begin the process of being who I want to be. It's a shame because I told her who gives a damn what people think and live your life for what makes you happy

and these are her biggest:

Quote from: Serena Lynn on April 30, 2012, 06:28:29 PM
Her biggest problem is that she feels like she has given up everything for me which I agree with prior to meeting me she has her own apartment, furniture. Her sister took over her apartment lease and didn't pay the last month so her names ruined now for rentals so she now says i took her name. So if she leaves she has nothing and is a 30 year old single part time mother without anything (her son doesn't live with us).

She says what made her happy was the person she fell in love with which was mike and I no longer want to be mike.

good luck!

Also,

transition is always a selfish act. There is no generous transition, which would be the opposite of selfish.
The only way to show some generosity while going through transition is to make it as little selfish as possible by listening to your partner's needs, fears and take them seriously and try to accommodate their needs. Compromise, communication and balance is the key to successful transition with your partner, given that your partner's sexual orientation doesn't interfere. In example, if she is strictly heterosexual, she might be not that into you after you change physically significantly.

I know I moved very quickly with her and it's just night and day from the moment I met her compared to other women I've met and I knew she was something special. I was on and off dating with with other women for 3 years because I was looming for the qualities that she has and when I found a person that had them I wanted to make the move and commit myself to her. I'm sitting her thinking of the situation and it really sucks. I've lived with these feelings in my mind since I was 4 years old and I'm finally starting to feel good about myself and now I'm falling behind? And yes i realize I came out very quickly to the people around me but I honestly really want to know who's with me because I don't want to live my life this way anymore. I just wanted to get it over with rather then let it pick at my brain anymore like It has for the last 24 years of my life. I'm tired of being self conscience of who I am. I'm tired of wondering what it feels like to be right.

I'd love to invite her to one of my sessions but I don't think she would want to go. 

Quote from: envie on May 01, 2012, 10:47:31 AM
Also,

transition is always a selfish act. There is no generous transition, which would be the opposite of selfish.
The only way to show some generosity while going through transition is to make it as little selfish as possible by listening to your partner's needs, fears and take them seriously and try to accommodate their needs. Compromise, communication and balance is the key to successful transition with your partner, given that your partner's sexual orientation doesn't interfere. In example, if she is strictly heterosexual, she might be not that into you after you change physically significantly.

I'm going to sit down and talk with her tonight. Hopefully we can compromise. :/

Your fiancé cares about you and seems to accept you for who you are but she also realises that she's going to lose what she thought she had. She's also in a situation that she feels she can't easily get out of. As your female partner there is a expectation of "why can't you fix him?" The first question people often ask a spouse is are you leaving him? If the spouse is staying the they ask "are you a lesbian?" My point is your fiancé is under a lot of pressure from the whole situation and compassion and communication are vital from both of you. Yes, she will do this flipping back and forth while she comes to terms with it and it takes time. My wife took 2 years to really accept my transition. Like envie said counselling might be a really good idea (along with the rest of her ideas). Remember she just started transition with you, she needs the same understanding that you do.

Envie mentioned slowing down. This is probably the last thing you feeling like doing right now, I understand that. Transitioning with my spouse has slowed down my transition but in hindsight I'm very grateful for that. I wanted to plunge ahead but staying together, dealing with the issues of our realtionship and our personal issues has meant slower progress than I wanted but I'm almost fulltime now and I much more confident woman for it.

You promised her Prince Charming not Cinderella and to be brutally frank a single mother is looking for  alot more stabilitya dn hot sex than she'd had for a while so as you  have let her know that you can't provide these then she is just being realistic and acting like the vast majority of other GGs do when in the same situation.

she may quite like your body being hairy and male.

what about putting some money equal to your transityion spending into a savings account for her for if she decides to split?

As most of the posters above mentioned I'm also going to say you may want to slow down.  It isn't a permanent reduction in speed though.  You just need to give her time to catch her breath and figure out how she feels and if she can still love you as a woman.  I felt like I was moving through molasses at first, but because I gave her that time, I am now flying and it is all with her approval.

Also realize that she will get a LOT of social backlash.  It isn't just your life affected, but as Tamaki said she will now be considered a lesbian or at least bi.

Also like Tamaki said, because I went slower at first, I have so much deeper a relationship with my wife and I KNOW she is on my side and will support me when I feel down.  Even when I don't use her support it still helps me feel more confident because I know I've got back up.

Well we talked last night. I told her I would put a couple hundred bucks a month into a savings account just in case it came to the point she had to move out for she could get furniture. We decided as well if she can handle it we will use the money for our honeymoon in Hawaii instead of a moving fund  

She's okay with me taking a small dose of hormones and doing my laser hair removal for now and seeing where it goes with time.. for now that's what we will do. She isn't comfortable with me dressing up at the house and would prefer I did it when she's not home. which I agreed. She says it's just too much right now for me to be completely dressed she said I could wear undergarments though under my "boy" clothes when she's around. 

We are just gonna take it day by day. 

Hi Serena,

True love knows that compromise makes for longevity in your relationship/marriage. Appears you have both been calm & reasoned the first paragraph in your talk last night.

Your fiance has a voice in this process and fair for her to set rules in your living arrangement. This is exactly the way my wife Carolyn & I worked through my cd issues. She was okay with me dressing girly while she wasn't home. I would have to ask her if it was okay when she was home, if not I didn't I didn't get enfemme. I didn't get annoyed if she said no. Slowly over a year or so, it reached the point were she was okay and I didn't have to ask anymore as she said she was 50/50 that she liked me either way. Having learned so much on the internet on gender, I have questioned enough that I am now of the belief that my mind has always been female in a male body. All my info. I have walked each step with Carolyn so we understand me. She may not understand the why, but totally supportive all the way. I let her know I was going to pursue with a TG Health Center in my city or my GP (the Sherbourne Health Center has a one year wait list & suggested me trying my GP). Two weeks ago I came out to my GP, I will call her Dr. G. A follow up yesterday, she has set up an appointment with an Endo for August 1. I have to work with Carolyn as she is uncomfortable to mention this and doesn't believe her family will understand so probably can't tell them about Jamie. At 70 the surgeries are probably too risky and not worth it so late in life for my discovery. I want to explore some hormones to tweek what I can on appearance and breasts. If this runs a risk of cancer that may shorten my life, then I won't do anything. If I move forward then I would have to dress androgen with my wife's family. That is what you have to do, compromise with your SO, truth, honesty trust and communicating for a Happy life together. I tell Carolyn she fell in love with my mind and soul and that the physical wrapping shouldn't matter so much, she shouldn't think this makes her a lesbian, which she says she is not. This process has only deepend our love for each other and made our union stronger, than we ever thought possible. You will be going a lot further in your transition than me. I was advised by a wife of a cd mtf, take baby steps. That is what we did. You two have this correct, "take it day by day." Eventually you will both reach your goal and ride Happily into the sunset of your life together.

Is your avatar a pic of you?
Believe
Hugs
Jamie

I wish I could be supportive but I don't think there's much to say, straight women like men, not women.