Hi everyone. My name is Harry, I'm from the UK and I turned 20 just a few months ago.

I'm in a bit of a situation as I have been for a long time tackling trans feelings. I just don't know whether what I'm going through is real or not. I mean, I do have an intense desire to at least appear as a female but when reading stories of other transgender people I see all sorts of crazy things about how from a young age they hated their genitals and wanted, for lack of a better term, to "get rid" of them. I can't say I had that, when I was a kid I was generally happy and oblivious to matters of sex and sexuality, all I really understood was that most boys liked girls and vice versa. Sure, now that I look back on my childhood there are things that are "out of place" so to say, I would occasionally wear my mother's shoes, use makeup, and generally did not feel that I fit in anywhere, but maybe that was just shyness.

I've been tackling these feelings for a few years now, for the last few months since about November I seemed to manage to "put it behind me" and I thought it was some weird phase I was over. Now come to about a week ago and it hit me back. Since then I've been having what I would describe as "mini freak outs" when thinking about what is to come. My sleep is disrupted, I get cold sweats and I guess the cracks are showing since my mother is now convinced something is definitely worrying me.

I just don't know where I am at the minute. I've started to put together a sort of "plan" for the future where I've given myself until my 21st birthday this December to get everything in order and "come out" if that is what I decide to do. I start at a University in September too that provide a student counselling service, so I plan to visit them once I start and hammer out some of these things.

I guess I'm just sort of worried nobody will take me seriously on this, since I don't really take myself seriously. I never thought I would be the type of person in a situation like this, I mean I still like girls (although my interest in sex seems to be on a steady decline), was in general pretty happy as a child, and I really don't know if I would want to "go through" with it if I couldn't look like a woman by the end of it, at 20 it sort of feels that puberty is finished with me and now I'm a full man. I just don't want to "get over" it again and then find myself 10, 15, 20 years older discovering that what I'm going through now was the real deal. I don't really consider myself to have any feminine physical features and think that if I did decide to transition something will tell me "You're just a man pretending"...

Sorry for the long introduction, just freaking out a little. If you did read all of that thank you, and hello again.

Welcome, Harry.

My understanding of my gender identity evolved over time, with the last 4 years being when most of that understanding solidified. I was 37 when I first identified as a cross-dresser, and by 38 I thought I was androgyne/genderfluid. By age 41 I began transition.

Ultimately, only you can define your identity. That doesn't mean it's simple thing to do. The counseling you described is probably a good place to start. Such counseling/therapy has certainly helped me.

At this point, I wouldn't worry too much about schedules for things to happen. Life happens and it can change things. Originally, I wasn't planning on going full-time until this past January. I went full-time in September 2011 instead.

There is a wide variety to the gender spectrum. Exploring it in depth might help you determine your identity.

If you haven't already done so, please review the site rules and terms of service.

Enjoy your stay!

Welcome to the site, hon. It's good to meet you *hug.

First of all, let me say that while you're here, you'll be taken seriously. What you feel is what you feel, and only you really know how those feelings manifest. This site is a melting-pot for a vast array of people with a vast array of experiences, thoughts, feelings and perspectives. None of which are any more, or any less 'real' than any other. The thing about places such as this is that you can be totally unsure of yourself, utterly bewildered and not have the first clue about where to go or what to do... and then you read of someone's experiences and feelings which resonate so closely with your own, to the point where you think "finally, I'm not alone with this!".

And while that in itself may not decide your course of action, it does at least give you a sense that no, you're not crazy, and that in turn gives you a boost in confidence to work on your own feelings and in making the decision about what your next steps should be.

One thing you do learn from spending time around other people with similar feelings to your own, is that everyone's story is different, and there is no 'true' way things have to be. For all those who knew from an early age, there are equally as many folks, like yourself, who just didn't think about things like that at during those formative years. Everyone comes from a different background, with differing life experiences which may, or may not have drawn attention to their internal identity. Quite simply, it's not something everyone thinks about at a certain point in life. Indeed, some of the girls here didn't realise who they were until much later in their lives than where you are now.

My advice to you, hon, would be to just spend some time here, reading through the trials and tribulations our other members go through; their thoughts and feelings about how they relate to the world. Then see what resonance, if any, they have to the way you feel about yourself, and how you see the world. Jump in and ask any questions you feel you need to ask and generally get some feedback from folks here. The important thing is to not rush into one belief or another because you think that's the way something has to be, and if you don't feel that way then it's automatically wrong. It's good that you've given yourself some breathing space to come to terms with the way you're feeling. What I would say is to use that time to get to know more about yourself, and about how other people feel regarding the same issues, in order to come to whatever conclusions you feel are appropriate.

If possible, maybe think about approaching someone with experience of dealing with gender issues. A professional therapist. While being here may allow you to get a handle on some of the things you're feeling, such a professional will allow you to explore the way you feel on a more personal, one-to-one basis, and may facilitate the choices you make in the time to come.

But, for now, just relax, take some time to explore what the site, and the people here have to offer, and feel safe in the knowledge that you're among friends, and you have nothing to prove to anyone other than yourself.

Hi Harry welcome to Susans. This is a place where you can figure yourself out and talk to people to find out how you fit into the scheme of things.

Personally, I think there are diferent levels of trans and we all react to it differently such as some are more physically gender dysphoric while others feel more mentally like the appropriate gender and pay little head to their outward appearence. And you may find that your crossdresser, genderfluid, androg., etc, but there are a lot of great threads on here to find out which flavor you are at this stage of your life and where you flow from there. So yeah, ask around and explore and feel free to PM me if you want to chat about anything or nothing in particular, my message box is always open! See you around, Jayden

Hi Harry, it's nice to meet you! If I can offer you some advice, leave wiggle room in that schedule! You'll figure out who you are in due time. See you around, hugs, Devlyn

Hey Harry, glad you're here.

Like some people have been saying, it's okay to be unsure and even freaking out a little. Gender and presentation is a big deal. But, because it's a big deal, don't feel like you have to rush into anything. Give it time. These things generally have a way of working themselves out. You'll know who you are when you're ready to know, and trust me, not before!

For now, know that we're all here to provide a listening ear and we care lots about you.

See a therapist! A gender therapist, ideally. I don't know if you need to transition or not, and what kind of transition you would need, but whatever the case, it will make you feel a lot better to have ascertained it. And from what I've seen, gender dysphoria doesn't just go away. It goes away then back stronger, back and forth until its strength is unbearable.

Also, at 21, of course, most of puberty is gone, but below ~25 years, ALL of it isn't quite behind you. You continue to grow and masculinise until that point, approximately, after which you still do have some "residual masculinisation", but puberty itself is entirely done. That's one of the reasons why there's a huge difference in statistical results between, say, 20-year-olds and 30-year-olds. Whilst 21 is far from optimal, it's probably still considered in the "lucky" range. There's a very high, uhm, "success rate" at our age.

All that to say that whether or not you transition, it's important to decide as soon as you can (and you're confident in your choice, of course - don't jump into this blindfolded).

Finally, even if you're terribly unlucky with your face and all, even if they need surgery for it, pretty much everyone can pass. So your situation can't possibly be hopeless. But many have very surprising results, and "dig up" a lot of unknown feminine traits on HRT, especially when they're young, so even on passing without surgery, don't despair!

Your adolescence sounds a lot like mine actually, so you are not unique by any means.  I don't hate my genitals for instance,  it's just that they are not quite right for me now, so I am going to have them renovated.   
Uni is just about the best place to transition in terms of being accepted as being a unique individual, so you have one advantage right there.  I have slowly come out to people where I am studying as a mature student and they have all been very supportive.
It's a slow process with lots of time to catch your breath along the way, so don't feel pressured to do anything according to any particular rigid timetable.  You are in charge of your life and get to set the pace and the direction.
Some may say it is just a phase, if so my phase has lasted more than 50 years, so I think it is probably a little bit more serious than that. 
A  good Gender Therapist can help you work out the unasked questions you will have, and help you work out the answers for yourself.  We are all unique in that, so we have to sort through our own baggage.  It can be a bit tough at times, but it is well worth it.

Karen.