There are a lot of things I don't know about in life - marriage and the dynamic of having a spouse and children being one of them. So I don't feel qualified to talk about that and think that there are people with practical experience in that area better able to offer advice and suggestions in that regard.
What I do know about, however, is this:
Quote from: Carlita on June 05, 2012, 12:37:53 PM
For a while, I thought that maybe this time, somehow, I'd got past dysphoria. But you don't, do you? It's impossible to get past something that is such a deep, fundamental part of who one is.
I'm very familiar with dysphoria, and how it makes you feel. One thing I can talk about is how it affected the relationships I had with people close to me which, granted, were never that many, but anyway.
It's easy to say that people who deal with the way they feel by trying to force it further down and play a 'male' role in life are somehow good at it and should keep doing it. Often what isn't understood is why a lot of folks do it in the first place, rather than just 'bite the bullet' and transition. Particularly by those lucky enough to be born into an age where it's an option right out of the gate. I went the other way in early life, and pretty much shunned it altogether, withdrawing into my mind and attempting to have as little to do with any sort of male associations whatsoever, but the reasons were, I suspect, the same.
It's a painkiller. Or an anaesthetic. A way to numb the discomfort you feel about yourself. Like going to the medicine cabinet and taking a couple of aspirin when you have toothache. The pain goes away, and you don't think about it anymore. At least you
think it goes away. And that's the point - the mind is good at knowing what it needs to feel better, to forget the pain dysphoria causes. And if something takes that pain away then you're going to want to do it. Especially in a time, or a place, where transition literally isn't an option. Where it isn't something you can do even if you desperately want to.
I mean sure, nowadays it's a lot more understood, and information and resources are
far more widely available. But it wasn't ever thus. And what does one do in that situation? Suffer the often crippling pain of dysphoric sensations? Or instinctively find ways to cope, based in part on a self-preservation instinct and a need to keep one's sanity intact? I get why people choose to try to throw themselves into living as a male even though their body screams at them that it's wrong, even though it's something that I personally didn't do. It's the same reason the way I attempted to cope was to build a huge layer of insulation around my mind from it all, and move in, cushions and all.
It removes the pain. It gives you other things to think about. For a while, the discomfort and the horrid sensations are drowned out by the needs of others, the need to be someone for people, to live for them and their expectations. You convince your mind that you're
not the most important thing in the universe and that if you can't do anything about the way you feel, then you
can at least make the world bearable for other people.
The trouble with painkillers, though, or anaesthetics, is that they aren't permanent. The effects fade and once again the pain comes back. Often worse than before. It's as though the dysphoria somehow thinks "okay, you tried to forget me, I'll just have to get my crampons on and dance around inside your head. Maybe
then you'll pay attention to me!" Just like you can't make toothache disappear, no many aspirin you take. Because something is fundamentally wrong. And removing the pain through distraction, or living for other people... well it just addresses the symptoms. It does nothing for the cause.
My own experiences with people close to me, during times of dysphoria, was that it negatively affected them. I was often asked why I was withdrawn, why I was sad. And they blamed themselves for it. Thinking it was their fault and they just weren't being a good enough friend/family member/whatever. At that time I couldn't, and didn't tell them what the
real cause of it was... but the point is that they picked up on it, and try as I might to hide it, or dismiss it, or run away from it... people pick up on things. If you're not right with yourself then people notice, no matter how much you don't want them to. Because you can only force it away for so long, by whatever means you find that works for you, before your efforts fade and it comes back with a vengeance.
Why keep doing it? That's the question. It can become an addiction, like an addiction to morphine. While it's working, all is right with the world. Especially if it becomes a conditioned response over the years - something you learned at an early age when there was no alternative. It can become a reflex action when the pain comes back, you turn to your tried-and-tested methods of making it behave itself and go away again.
Only each time, it takes less and less time for it
to come back. In the meantime, you accrue the trappings of a 'normal' life, built up through your desire to have it. Yet the amount of dysphoric sensation you can subdue by trying to live this life lessens and lessens, just as the effectiveness of a painkiller lessens as you build up a tolerance to it. Until in the end, it doesn't work anymore, and you are faced with the very real prospect of being unable to suppress it anymore, no matter what you do.
And so, finally the questions you ran away from for years stare you in the face and you reach a crunch point. Are you abandoning everything you built up, everyone you love and care about, by wanting to deal with the pain you feel? Or are you wanting to finally be free of it so you can continue to be the loving, caring person you are when it isn't there? Are you wanting to remove the self-destructive feelings and thoughts which make you feel depressed and miserable precisely so your attention isn't forced inwards and away from those you love? When you finally become immune to the effects of your coping method, and the anaesthetic wears off, do you decide to go and get your tooth fixed so you can finally smile without the shadow of pain behind your eyes and those around you wondering why and if it's their fault?
These are questions everyone has to find the answers to on their own. Not something anyone can tell one what to choose, and what to do.
