I've been having a hard time lately....... lots of fear coming up, and with FFS and BA coming in August, I've been feeling anxious about full time, and myself in general.

Slowly, I've been working on myself.... realizing how much I've separated myself, almost into two people, and have been working on realizing I am just one person.  And it's time to stop living in fear and be the person I am supposed to be.

The last couple of days were actually good... and I started to feel that peaceful feeling again.  The feeling of doing the right thing.  And today, I actually had a pretty good therapy session, and was more comfortable about what's coming up than I have been in the last few weeks......

AND THEN:

I come home from dinner...  nothing special, just a skirt and nice top.... oh, and heels.  Had no problems out, feeling good about myself.... and I come home.

And my neighbor sees me.  And laughs.  He always seems to get a good chuckle when I'm in full Aubrey mode.

And with this one laugh from nearly a complete stranger, my world just kind of imploded.

I was never laughed at as a guy.  I don't want to be laughed at.  And I swear I'm ticked off to all hell that people think that this is my "choice".  Because I would never choose to feel how crappy I feel right now, simply because I am trying to be who I am.

I swear this just seems WAY to big for me right now.  I'm seriously ready to just pack my bags and head back for maleness.  I know it's all within me, that I am letting that laugh get to me, and I shouldn't, but it did.  And I'm just really ticked off at myself. 

I don't want to stop this transition (again).  I don't want to go through this again..... nor do I want to put it off until I finally get the guts to finish it, and then say "Man, I wish I would have continued this 20 years ago.

So yeah, right now, it really sucks to be a transsexual.

Thanks as always for listening.

*hugs lot* I know it must hurt, but don't let others control how you feel about yourself.

Stick with it. Transition is hard work like anything else. I've contemplated detransition in the sense of it making my life easier but even then I would never give up hormones.

You should have stared at him and laughed loudly back. Probably would have taught him a thing or two

Maybe you are overthinking this. In almost every similar situation I've found myself in, the person or people in question were not laughing for the reason I thought. Maybe he just doesn't like your sense of fashion or something. Maybe it's completely unrelated. Maybe he's just the kind of person who laughs at people a lot with no apparent reason.

And even if he did laugh at you... Don't take it too harshly. People who openly laugh at people (unless the situation is also "openly funny") tend to laugh at a lot of people, really. And for an enormous lot of reasons. They're not people you can rely on for a safe opinion of what you actually look like. If that person were specifically expressing transphobia or such, he wouldn't laugh at you. People like that find transsexualism disgusting, sinful, wrong, superficial, etc. but I've never found anyone saying it was "ridiculous" or "laughable". People don't laugh at such things.

I feel so sorry for you Aubrey. I know all too well that struggle to rejoin the 2 halves of oneself after many many years of keeping one of them locked in the cupboard under the attic stairs. It is a ton of work to get reacquainted. The rewards make the effort worthwhile.

For me a lot of that separation started early in life. Not over being trans. I was different in far easier ways to make me a walking target for ridicule and laughter. I did not even want to contemplate the hell my life would be if THAT got out. Yet, when I graduated university I experimented with transitioning. I tried again after my "This should make me normal" practice marriage. Both times I chickening out after just a few too many odd looks. I had already spent 20 years being a target. I wasn't looking forward to a lifetime of it. I didn't wait for the escalation of hostilities. I ran from my dream settling for a pseudo-normal existence as a male. A total liar, a total fake. Nothing to be proud of. Nothing but a life filled with have-to's, diversions and other distractions. A life with no joy.

We know all too well that stopping is not an option. I spent a good 30 years trying my best to be a male. It sucks. Even with the occasional escape. The joy I have been feeling these past 2 years, especially these past 9 months or so as I venture more and more out into the real world as the real me is incredible.

If I heard a snicker, giggle, even outright laughter now at my expense I think all I will feel is an instant of pain. That pain I firmly believe will pass quickly as it is greatly overwhelmed by the joy I feel to finally be out and accepted as the real me. It would only hurt if it came from someone I love and respect, such as my wife. She knows all too well how easy it would be to use that nuclear deterrent against me. She also knows there is no way I can stop feeling how I do. I am trans and there is no way to change that.

Always remember during those hard times how happy you are now and the joy you have to finally be living and accepted in a world as the real you. Words and laughter can only have power over you if YOU and you alone give it that power. If you have been able to get to the point in your journey that you now are, you've overcome some incredibly difficult hurdles most would dare think about trying to, much less accomplish. A nobody neighbor is insignificant in comparison to those.

I have always been very good at planning far ahead of time, but I've never been able to pull things off completely. I always failed at reminding myself of the real reasons behind what I wanted to do when I needed it the most. That moment of extreme clarity and peace of mind that showed me the way and the will. NEVER do that. Focus on what brought you here, what you need or want, and how much have you been thinking about it. Do realize that this is, even with all the hardships and up-and-downs, your true nature. You will have to face your fears, and suffer, and cry, and you'll feel it's not worth it. But this is your life, and you can't let anything or anyone keep you away from that. The day you learn to make amends with yourself will be the day that no stupid neighbors will bring you down like that. You are doing great, but you have to remember, as hard as it sounds, that most people don't really know what it is like to go through something like this, and all the consequences of that behaviour.

Take care, girl.

Quote from: Tyler on June 12, 2012, 07:44:47 PM
You should have stared at him and laughed loudly back. Probably would have taught him a thing or two

That would have been priceless, Girl i don't know what to tell you except be strong and i know how you feel. I haven't been laughed at but i have a lot of self esteem issues so i know how it feels to think "It really sucks to be TG sometimes".

Quote from: Elena G on June 12, 2012, 08:21:54 PM
I have always been very good at planning far ahead of time, but I've never been able to pull things off completely. I always failed at reminding myself of the real reasons behind what I wanted to do when I needed it the most. That moment of extreme clarity and peace of mind that showed me the way and the will. NEVER do that. Focus on what brought you here, what you need or want, and how much have you been thinking about it. Do realize that this is, even with all the hardships and up-and-downs, your true nature. You will have to face your fears, and suffer, and cry, and you'll feel it's not worth it. But this is your life, and you can't let anything or anyone keep you away from that. The day you learn to make amends with yourself will be the day that no stupid neighbors will bring you down like that. You are doing great, but you have to remember, as hard as it sounds, that most people don't really know what it is like to go through something like this, and all the consequences of that behaviour.

Take care, girl.

Thank you Elena.  That was very well said.  And thanks for the support from everyone.  I swear on Odin's Razor (What??) that my silly little brain is blocking out the first 30 years of my life....... where I was miserable in my GID.  My spiritual growth from then until now gave me so much peace.  Then I dive back into this, with what I thought was better footing, and all the fears came right back out, and that stupid survival mode kicked in....... and just wants me to feel "normal". (Whatever that is.)

And I know he was just laughing at the context of the manly neighbor he once knew to be a woman......... because I know I looked pretty darn good.  I know it's stupid to base my entire upcoming actions on one stupid man with one stupid laugh........ But suddenly I just wonder how I'm going to feel when I simply "can't" go back to male mode when I feel insecure.

I guess I always figured this part to be easy once I got to it.......... and yet it's so much harder than I thought.  I'm not sure which way is up right now.

Crap, I'm pretty whiny tonight, huh?  LOL.  Sorry, this wasn't really supposed to be a "oh woe is me" thread.  I'm just so done with it right now.  I don't want to have to think about my voice.  I don't want to be a "category".  I just really want to be me.  Wow.  I thought the hard part was over.

Time to sit and meditate.........

Quote from: auburnaubrey on June 12, 2012, 08:49:34 PM
Thank you Elena.  That was very well said.  And thanks for the support from everyone.  I swear on Odin's Razor (What??) that my silly little brain is blocking out the first 30 years of my life....... where I was miserable in my GID.  My spiritual growth from then until now gave me so much peace.  Then I dive back into this, with what I thought was better footing, and all the fears came right back out, and that stupid survival mode kicked in....... and just wants me to feel "normal". (Whatever that is.)

And I know he was just laughing at the context of the manly neighbor he once knew to be a woman......... because I know I looked pretty darn good.  I know it's stupid to base my entire upcoming actions on one stupid man with one stupid laugh........ But suddenly I just wonder how I'm going to feel when I simply "can't" go back to male mode when I feel insecure.

I guess I always figured this part to be easy once I got to it.......... and yet it's so much harder than I thought.  I'm not sure which way is up right now.

Crap, I'm pretty whiny tonight, huh?  LOL.  Sorry, this wasn't really supposed to be a "oh woe is me" thread.  I'm just so done with it right now.  I don't want to have to think about my voice.  I don't want to be a "category".  I just really want to be me.  Wow.  I thought the hard part was over.

Time to sit and meditate.........

This will help you feel better, I listen to it when I feel like that sometimes...

Love,
E.

Honey, there is a -learning- in this, as is with most unsettling situations.

I have neighbour that sounds just like yours. In fact before transitioning he was rude, loud, boisterous, noisy, threatening! In other words something you'd call a red-neck in your part of the world. We call them 'hairy-backs' over here

So he LOVES to laugh at me, pointing me out to others - friends of his, that fit his agenda. Though... to boot he always hangs out with VERY HOT CHICKS (short leather hot-pants and 'wife-beaters', hey) and drives the latest HOT cars on the market.

So, he is laughing, even speaking - I guess something derogatory...

I give him my sweetest smile, and blow him a kiss. I am ALWAYS VERY nice to him, and turn his behaviour into some form of compliment in my mind.

Now, just go back to our school days... boys would pull a girls plaits, be VERY offensive, mock, tease and ridicule, but guess what? Most often it was nothing else but some dumb, silly way of getting our attention. Hey, look at ME!!!

I try to feel like a queen (proper!) when I'm given such attention, and just like one, I will wave back as if it NEVER occurred to me that anyone could mean anything else but just ADORE me

In closing - you look VERY attractive hon, as seen in your avatar - and I'd be little surprised if his daft, foolish laughing is actually just to cover up for having taken notice of you. He can't pull your plaits now - so he tries something else. Boys will be boys, eh?

Axélle

I think Axe'lle has it right. I'd just smile, wave and walk on.  I generally don't care what morons think.

Karen.

Never give up being yourself because someone thinks it's funny. I'd bet that guy doesn't have the guts to even try crossdressing in public. The general population really doesn't know how hard it is to transition. I hope in time he comes to research what it means to be transsexual and that we are simply trying to live our lives as regular folks.

So don't you dare let someone's ignorance hold you back! *hugs*

Quote from: auburnaubrey on June 12, 2012, 07:14:09 PM
I've been having a hard time lately....... lots of fear coming up, and with FFS and BA coming in August, I've been feeling anxious about full time, and myself in general.

If you are fortunate to have some people in community that live in your area, it is good to join them for a meal.
It relieves some anxiety.

It is even better if you can get a mentor.
.........

What's amazing is how we let people that mean nothing to us, bother us.  Did you ever stop to think how pathetic their lives must be if they would laugh at trans people?  One very prominent person in our community tells person that laughs at her, "I am sorry you are suffering very much."  When she does this, person becomes very serious and stops laughing.  She has suffered much and has great compassion for other people.  I admire her very much.

Quote from: wendy on June 13, 2012, 07:23:22 AM
If you are fortunate to have some people in community that live in your area, it is good to join them for a meal.
It relieves some anxiety.

It is even better if you can get a mentor.
.........

What's amazing is how we let people that mean nothing to us, bother us.  Did you ever stop to think how pathetic their lives must be if they would laugh at trans people?  One very prominent person in our community tells person that laughs at her, "I am sorry you are suffering very much."  When she does this, person becomes very serious and stops laughing.  She has suffered much and has great compassion for other people.  I admire her very much.

exellent, if we stumble on such an unfortunate soul

Your harshest critic has already been silenced, Aubrey - the one inside your head who tells you it's not okay to be yourself. That one is the one who is with you in the small hours of the night, when the world, and those in it are just a distant memory. You've given yourself permission to be you. That's all you need.

People act that way because they expect a reaction. It isn't that your neighbour found something amusing, it's that he wanted you to know it - and to revel in your reaction of discomfort and awkwardness. The best reaction you can show to people like that is kindness, and being nice. It's disarming, and when your reaction is one of quiet dignity and warmth, they don't know how to handle it. The whole scenario has been thrown on its head and you're the one who is empowered instead. Don't fight fire with fire - firefighters use water.

"The best revenge is a happy life" -- someone far more clever than I.

Listen to the fool's reproach! it is a kingly title! (William Blake)

QuotePeople act that way because they expect a reaction. It isn't that your neighbour found something amusing, it's that he wanted you to know it - and to revel in your reaction of discomfort and awkwardness. The best reaction you can show to people like that is kindness, and being nice. It's disarming, and when your reaction is one of quiet dignity and warmth, they don't know how to handle it.

This is so true. The very worst thing you can do to an intended insult is to brush it off as if it couldn't possibly have been an insult. It really deflates the person intending to cause offence.

My fav was when I was out WALKING in male mode in the past and would get stuff yelled at me out of cars. Only complete fairy-pants sissies walk anywhere in my country; REALly insecure men drive cars and yell or honk at people who don't so they can feel even more masculine. I used to get upset, but eventually worked out that they must have been yelling or honking because they thought I was so cool they wanted my attention..... so I gave them huge waves and smiles in return.

From your beautiful profile picture I'm surprised he isn't trying to ask you out instead (bet others are, or will, soon)! Not that I would wish it upon you to have someone annoying like that trying to ask you out though......

Thanks everyone.  I did what I normally do in either mode with him.  Smile, wave, and ask how he's doing.  It did rock me to the core for some reason, and I am fully aware that that reason is in me, and has nothing to do with him.

I may put off my FFS.  Not sure yet.  Today was ok, but I am drowning in questions that I don't seem to have answers to.  Most of it is just me mind f-ing myself.  I know this.  I just needed to have a better day today than yesterday, and that was accomplished.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and the nice compliments.  It means a lot.  Hormonal and upset is a crazy combination!

Quote from: Tyler on June 12, 2012, 07:44:47 PM
You should have stared at him and laughed loudly back. Probably would have taught him a thing or two

Yes...own it!  Be strong.  Be happy!