Last night I was doing my fortnightly/monthly look at the trans-blogs on YT and I noticed that one of the trans girls had, while not taking down her profile, removed all of her videos. The only videos of her are in the vlogs of other YouTubers. She was a very well known trans YouTuber and had been one of the so-called founders of the trans community on YT.

I remember the start of the community 6 years ago because I came out to myself and my family in 2004 so had been checking around online reading all the websites, blogs and watching the vlogs since before then. The girl that started that trans community is still around and is very active but many trans YouTubers have come and gone.

It took me a while of analysing my reaction to this missing channel to understand why it made me sad. I came to understand that I have felt this way before, felt sad when I found out other YouTubers had disappeared. You see, in many ways I was living my transition through theirs. Despite the fact that these girls are well within their rights to take their videos down I felt angry. I took solace from them when they were there and they have now moved on. Was I angry at them? At first yes, but I ultimately realised that I was angry at myself. The fact that they had moved on, so much so that their videos were no longer live, brought into sharp relief that I am still living as a male over 8 years after coming out to myself and my family. More than that, it is 14 years since I realised that I would have been happier to have been born a girl. It took me some 6 years to make the jump in thinking that transition was not just a possibility, but a personal goal.

I have watched the girls on YT, like I am watching you all here on this site, achieve your personal ambitions and grow in confidence, beauty and strength each and every day. It is joyful and yet deeply painful. I wonder if I am weak. I wonder if I was weak to crumble at the first negativity of my family to my coming out, that I had to bury myself all again, just this time knowing that they now knew if not understood.

How ironic then that a month before I cut off all my hair to make my parents and family happy when they come to visit me for a special occasion only to be told then that they don't like my now short hair. For years they had told me to get my hair cut. For some reason I do it to make them happy and they then tell me it's too short.

What is it that makes me so incapable of going out and fighting for what I want in my own life? So, I wasn't angry at that YouTuber. I wish her well in her life. Simply, her absence now highlights further that while she has moved on, I am no further along on my journey than I was back 6 or 8 years ago.

Sorry that this post is downbeat.

Dear Niamh,

I think it is not unusual to 'live' through other people. But at some time we need to take what these people are doing and think if we can. I was a very scared frightened uncertain little 'boy' when I came here. I was looking for solace and some sort of support that would magically allow me to become the woman that I knew was in me.

The battles that poor thing had. Terrified to get her ears pierced; she now walks around with the largest ear rings she can. Terrified to shop. Goddess I support the economy now.  How will I go on at work. I'm out to everyone. If they don't like it it is their problem.

Will people notice? They better had I haven't gone to this effort to be a wall flower. I just had (on the weekend) 1/2 inch nail extensions, chose a nice quiet bright pink/purple colour so people wouldn't notice 

How do we do this? How can we get the confidence? How can we face ourselves and move on? What was special about the girl in the YT ?

As part of my job I talk to people who have lymphoma or leukaemia and are on chemotherapy. As they are having their treatment, which can be over some hours, people chat to them in passing.  A rapport is built. And one thing that comes up invariably is: When I get well I am going to do what I want to do with my life.

  That is what you need to reflect on.

Who is responsible for your life? Who has the ability to change your life? What is worse, being miserable and a pretend person, or being happy and being a real person?

Yes there are challenges, yes you may get laughed at or s->-bleeped-<-ed at.  But you will also develop the confidence, and e are here to help with that.

The only and last shop assistant who was negative to me was fired on the spot. Why? She called me Sir in a nasty tone when I was presenting as female. I complained to the manager, she was fired. I got the coat for free.

What does that mean? Confidence. You have the power. It just needs to be released.

It is your body, your hair, your nails, your ears, your face, YOUR LIFE.

Your choice. Be you, or be miserable.

I'm always here for you.

Cindy

Niamh it is good and amazing to read something so honest and heart-felt.  (for context) I went full-time in 2005, a year after I had SRS.  Had FFS and BAS in 2008, after going full-time.

You reminded me of something so important.

You also reminded me of when I was in your situation.  I never cut my hair for anyone but I remember having felt like I was living for my parents, living for my coworkers, living for god, Society, whomever...  Basically the truth was that I was living for Fear.  Fear was hovering over me like a cloud and I was living beneath my Fear, having to live my life out of respect for all of my fears.  And I remember getting up in my head and mentally elaborating on my fears, dwelling and focusing on them as a way to prevent me from making any kind of progress.

There was a time when I was living vicariously through AuthentiKate and I spent the rest of my time living an Internet existence.  All my friends were on the Internet.  When I considered dating it was basically an Internet thing that amounted to an Internet thing.  Nothing really ever came of it.  I have noticed lately that I have been getting sucked into the Internet thing again.  I remember Kate Grimaldi told me in an email, long ago, "The rabbit hole doesn't exist on any website."  She went on to explain that the rabbit hole is about doing and 'real'izing things because of experiences.  Think about the word realize, making something real, real-izing it.  That never happens through a computer monitor.  The virtual world won't allow anything to become real.  The Internet can be a information tool but for a lot of women who transition the Internet becomes their existence, their virtual (not-real) existence.

And I think a common thing trans women do (I know I have done it myself) is to try to validate their being women with a virtual existence.  I have never photo shopped a picture and put it on the Internet in order to convince people that I look/am female but a surprisingly large amount of trans women who may not ever actually transition in real life do. 

It may seem like people who tout their transitions on the Internet are special and amazing and perhaps they are.  But the only thing that really matters about any of that is that it is inspiring to you.  Inspiration is basically seeing something that causes something to be aroused in you.  It is that something inside of you that this is all about.  Even the tiniest little bit of effort towards fulfilling that something inside of you will be greater than any Internet experience whether it is being amazed by someone's pictures or videos.

Don't become an Internet addict, living vicariously or virtually.  You can see how even people who have had SRS and made progress can become addicted to a virtual existence, trading one set of fears for another set of fears.

Someone made what is (to me) a tired old statement recently about having to be honest in regards to telling a partner that she is a transsexual.  To the rest of the world telling someone you are transsexual equals telling them you aren't really a woman or a man.  But the truth is most people don't even know what the truth is.  Is the truth that I am really just a transsexual, not a real woman?  Or does believing in something make it true?  The fact is that believing in something will make it true.  Look at the word believing.  The word believing is made up of two words, by and living.  Believing equals by living.  If you take that thing inside of you and start living it instead of spending your time admiring other people who do...  Then at the end of the day you will have something.  You will make it happen by-living, believing... be-living.

I know about 'believing' because back before I started living for myself I was channeling all my energy into religion.  I learned that most "believers" think that thinking something is true is the path to salvation.  But the truth was (in regards to theology) that the path to salvation was by-living.  What you thought was true, an idea or a thought in your mind meant absolutely f@cking nothing unless it changed how you lived your life.  By living, believing is a sham unless it translates to by living.

Personally I don't confess to people I care about that I am just a man who wants to be a woman.  I am loyal to them and to myself 'by-living'.  If I believe in myself as being a woman I don't tell people that I am really just a man who transitioned.  I know a lot of trans women use flowery words to communicate that they transitioned to someone, the problem is that in a non-imaginary world that tired old line always translates to, "I am a man who wants to be a woman."

When I talk about people trading one set of fears for another set of fears this is what I mean.

And if you know you are right about something, if you are a true by-liver and not a believer who is up in your head in an imaginary, pretend existence...  Then it won't matter what other people think or know...  Not if you are by-living and being true to yourself.

Why am I typing all this?

Because when I was in your situation my greatest fear was that I would never actually be able to be a woman after transition.  I believed and was all up in my head thinking that no one would ever accept me as a woman.  What I didn't realize was that acceptance begins with me.  I had to accept that I was a woman.  The process of transition helped me to realize, real-ize (make real) the reality that I was indeed a woman.  Believing, by-living...

The most important thing in my life...  The reason I was able to overcome my fears...  The thing that kept me going during the most difficult times was Hope.

Without Hope I never would have made it this far.

I see people who pontificate on being "honest" as the destroyers of hope.  I would like for people to rethink honesty.  Most people just drink the kool-Aid, trading one set of fears for another.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drinking_the_Kool-Aid

I want to set my people free.  Be free.

Start living.

I wrote this post as an effort for you, now how about you make an effort for 'you'?  BTW that is more than AuthentiKate ever did for me.  Pretty sure AuthentiKate was just someone who was impressed with herself and wanted attention.  Wanting attention is living for someone other than one's self.  As always practicing traditional meditation is an invaluable tool.  http://www.mro.org/zmm/teachings/meditation.php

Back in the day when I started my transition (FT late 2003, FFS late 2004, SRS early 2006) before youtube personal websites with transition diaries were king (queen?). There were literally hundreds of them, I even had my own for a while. Though it wasn't bad it never gained any popularity (and thank god that). The most notable site was AuthentiKate that Noey mentioned. Also there was another one that very closely mimicked AuthentiKate.

Although I had already stumbled my way out of the starting gate all on my own when I came across AuthentiKate I was drawn in by her writings and soon found myself daydreaming and fantasizing of in a way being her, or perhaps rather becoming the main character in her writings. Over the next few months as my own transition started to take shape and I was moving ever closer to full-time I came to the realization that I could neither be Kate or this other girl I was following online, I could only be me. I simply moved on and took the inspiration I had gathered from them and used it to shape my own path through transition, and in the end I did really really well on my own.

The online diary I kept only followed me through the first year of my transition, but because of my rather quick pace it covered most of the important stuff. Just a little while ago I dug it out of my backup archives and read through it and I was amazed at how my own story ended up resembling the stories of those girls I started out idolizing. A great many of my experiences were the same, just as they are for most everyone else that transition. In time I've come to realize that there is nothing really special about these girls, or myself for that matter, besides having taken action.  While there may be some good advice and inspiration to be drawn from watching youtube videos or reading transition diaries it will, just as Noey has pointed out, lead you nowhere unless you yourself take action. When I quit my online diary and took down my site it was because I had come to realize it was all bunk. Real life was just so much more interesting than reading and writing about it on the internet.

Sometimes I people tell me they want to quit smoking but it's just so hard. My usual response is to tell them to not light another cigarette. My advice might sound a bit silly and they usually think I'm just joking, but if you think about it it really is that simple. It's a binary thing actually. Either you do or you don't. I think the reason why my quit-smoking advice doesn't work is because people don't really want to quit. They like the idea of being smoke free, they like the potential benefits of being smoke free, they'd like to quit but it's just easier not to. For me transitioning was a similar thing. Ever since I learned about it being a real possibility at about the age of 12 I wanted it, but I didn't want to do what needed to be done in order to get what I knew I wanted deep down inside. I was too scared. I was too ashamed. What would my family say? What would my little brother think of me? How would I be able to even look myself in the eye? It was just so much easier to do what was expected of me and pretend nothing was wrong. I could do something, but I didn't.

I don't know you niamh so I can't say for sure exactly whats going on with you and what will be best for you, but I can share with you what realization that ultimately drove me to take the plunge: You only have one life and it is happening right now. There is no next time.  You transition or you don't. The realization just kind of crept up on me. I mean, it's not like it's something we don't already know, but one day this truth just became so crystal clear. I still had all the fear and shame that came with being transsexual and the prospect of transitioning, but all that became irrelevant in realizing that if I didn't get off my ass and do something about the problem I would have to live out the rest of my life as a man. This fact had become real and it was simply unacceptable. Living and dying as a man was simply not an option. Not that it ever actually had been, I just hadn't yet fully grasped that my life was in the process of happening and going nowhere.

What I think you should do is forget about everyone else, ie youtubers, blogers, friends and family and carefully examine the two options you have (do or do nothing). Imagine your life play out in these two scenarios, realize that it is real and not just a thought or an idea. Figure out which option you can live with and which you can't live with.

Sorry about the long post. Don't know if any of it helped but I hope it did

Maria

I think when we watch these people who have the videos, they do give us hope and inspiration as we follow their lives.  Or when we read of others in transgender communities or personal blogs etc. My experience and guess too really as I don't really know is that the vast majority of transgender folks probably aren't members of online transgender communities.  The ones from my local support group, I don't think have been. The majority haven't put up youtube videos either.  So the people who do post videos are in the minority and in that way we are looking at a group who are different from us, more so to speak out there.
Sorry to hear your family didn't like your short hair cut, but you had been out to them for 8 years.  They had probably grown accustomed to your long hair (fi it had ben) and having it really short after so long (if it had been) probably threw them off.  When we dress for others, cut our hair for others etc etc.  We are trying to be the person that they want us to be and not who are or want to be.  We can't please everybody so don't try.  You can put in a room, a bunch of family members you want to please, and yet each one of them is different, with a different personality and taste. Be yourself and be who you want to be.  Because in the end, most people are trying to do the same.

Thanks ladies for the replies. I am working towards my goals, one step and a time. Looking back I know I have made progress despite it seeming in the moment that you're standing still. I am now happier and more confident then I was when I entered my twenties. These last 8 years have been a major learning curve and I feel that I more or less have the tools I need to be myself. I'm working most days to be where I want to be and be the person I feel I am or feel I want to be. Really it's not just about being trans, there's feelings of alienation, isolation, low self-worth, financial worries...I work through them together with my wife. I know that one day I will transition but know that first I must love myself as a person before I can begin the physical and social journey.