Okay, so this year has been eye-opening in many ways. I began to see myself as trans. It was like a lot of things clicked. When I was younger, I was always attracted to females (still am!). And I despised everything that had to do with girls clothes! I remember wishing I could just dress in jeans and a t-shirt. I'd also wish at night to have male genitals. When I started developing breasts, it was like a nightmare. So basically, since I was young, I have had a deep dislike of my breasts. I have never looked at a woman and thought to myself, I want to look like her. However, I have looked at men and thought, I'd love to have their body.
I like the idea of being daddy, and husband. Nowadays, I'd love to have a penis, but I know I will never have a fully functioning one even with surgery. And quite frankly, I'm okay with the genitals I do have. My only real problem is my chest. I can't imagine how happy I would be to have a flat chest and be able to walk around without a shirt on. The idea of a deeper voice and facial hair, also seems fantastic to me. I do want those things. So basically, I have been thinking, I must be FTM.
Here is where things get tricky. I don't particularly get angry when people call me by female pronouns, names etc. In a way, I see it as "well, this is what I am physically." I guess it doesn't bother me at all but you see so many FTMs that are completely opposed to it that I sort of latched on to that idea. Also, I don't completely hate the idea of being a female/lesbian. I love the lesbian community and I feel an incredibly strong bond to it. Also, I think that by getting on T, I would never want to get pregnant. It would just be uncomfortable for me. But without T, it is something I would want.
I guess it sounds like I'm really confused. Because it hit me yesterday that I don't think I want to take T. Not with all the side-effects that I'm already predisposed to. My family has a history of certain things and T would only increase my chances of that. Honestly, I think I'd be happy JUST getting my chest surgery done. I wouldn't even bother changing gender markers or anything like that. I think that I can honestly say I would be 100% at home with my body. And I honestly like my name. I mean it's been my name my whole life and I don't have any particular hate for it.
I would just like some opinions on what you think I am. I'm leaning toward genderfluid but then again, maybe I don't even know what that word means! I saw this video today that described this person as genderfluid and it honestly felt like I was hearing my story. But maybe that's just their one opinion.
And as a side note, I have always had this aversion to being seen as a butch woman. The word itself just bothers me. I wonder how that plays into things. There are so many negative stereotypes about this
Thanks to anyone who actually took the time to read this! I really appreciate it! I know it might seem like a mess of things but that's how my mind is working at the moment!!!
I posted this in the androgynous section but that section doesn't seem to get much traffic if you will lol But anyway, I would love to hear your opinions on this. I'd never given these things much thought since the idea of being in an in between state just didn't seem real or possible to me.