Since I came out to myself and my personal friends, I have calmed considerably and have been sleeping better. I am also doing a bit better knowing that I meet my new therapist at the end of July, and can start telling my story; working on things that are important to me.

This has also come with a sort of up and down with my anxiety levels. Last night, I was out with a family member and started to experience what almost felt like an allergic reaction, but I hadn't been near anything I am allergic to and have no food allergies. My critical thinking kicks in and says, "now, Dawn, you're just having an anxiety attack and if you look around you, pay attention to what is happening and see that the world around you is ok, and focus instead on the good time you're having, you'll be fine"

With that, I took some slow, deep breaths, and kept walking with my family member and talking about our chosen topic (new movies and music). I noticed as I did this, I felt the tightness in my chest and throat start to dissipate. My fast beating heart started to regulate itself, and my sanity quickly returned. I felt kinda tired, but my energy level went back to normal in a reasonable time.

Today I have sorta been dwelling on some "what if" scenarios that relate to losing what is left of the people and things that mean anything to my life as I prepare to become who I really am. It really becomes overwhelming!

Eventually I was able to hit that metaphorical "off" switch in my brain, and move on to better and more productive stuff. This anxiety attack hit at the exact wrong time though, and I was silently freaking out inside...or starting to anyway.

Sound familiar to anyone? I really think I handled this well today, though. When I look at my past, and how I would have handled it...I see I have come a LONG way from my past! 

Today I have sorta been dwelling on some "what if" scenarios that relate to losing what is left of the people and things that mean anything to my life as I prepare to become who I really am. It really becomes overwhelming!

Keep in mind, the worst person to lose ... is you!.

I think you handled that very well.
It certainly appears to be a panic attack or an anxiety attack.

I was talking to my therapist once and he asked me if I had been having any strange dreams. An odd question since I had. I had been dreaming about dying. Not in committing suicide or self harm, just odd dreams about dying and what would people think.

As we talked about this he did suggest that I was dying, not the usual we all end up dead, but that the male me was dying as the female me was being born.  And that possibly my dreams were a refection of my subconscious accepting this change.

Funnily about the same tome my 'male' persona disappeared from my dreams.

I also realised that I am what I am, and very shortly after that came out as me FT to my work colleagues etc. And I felt no stress in doing so.

I don't suggest we read too much into it but I think we do go through cycles of acceptance, even when we know who we are. And our brains find ways to deal with it all.

Cindy

Jamie D and Cindy James, thanks for your responses!

That cycle of acceptance you mentioned sounds very much like what happened last night. Good thing I start therapy soon, because these attacks have been happening a bit more recently. Feels horrible and I'll never wish it on anyone, save for someone who really needs to put themselves into another person's shoes who lives with this.

Took me years to learn how best to handle these events.