I'm having a hard time of it lately.  Right now at this particular moment in time.  I can't sleep because to many things are whirling around in my head.

I might as well start with my partner.  He says he is there for me and wants me to come to him with my problems but he doesn't mean it.  Whenever I bring up something critical to my well-being, top surgery, he loses it.  He says not for another 2 years if that can we even start thinking about it.  I can't be like this for another 2 years!  The very thought is absurd.  I've been on hormones for 2 years and we both agree my chest is a deformed mess.  I can barely handle it on a day to day basis and he wants me to wait.  The problem is here, he works and I stay home with the kids.  We can't afford daycare for them so I'm not able to get a job.  So I'm dependent on him and I hate it so much.  We have a lot of debt, it's true but he makes over $100,000 a year.  With high bonuses and any one of those could pay for my entire surgery and recovery.  I try to tell him that I willing to cut corners and stick to a lower budget but he doesn't believe me.  Just outright doesn't believe me.  He throws up old numbers and overspending that was both accidental then and unchangeable now.  I feel like he's the parent and I'm the spoiled rotten child asking for something he thinks I don't really need.  Then I'm suppose to see him as a sex partner and equal companion when this is how he treats me?  Not likely.  He accuses me of being selfish by pointing out how much he has given up for me the past couple of years.  I know my whole transition has been a pain in the ass for everyone, including me.  I'm sorry about that but it wasn't my choice all of this had to happen.  I'm sorry I'm such an f-ing burden on the world.  Sometimes I think this whole thing isn't worth it.  Perhaps I am asking for to much when I ask for what I need.  I just need to much but I can't stop needing what I need.

On top of that I'm having a really hard time making friends.  People say they are my friends, I suppose, but my idea of a friend is a shoulder to cry on.  I really don't have that.  You know what, I've never had that.  The only shoulder I've ever had to cry on is my own.  I'm tired of that, so very tired of it.  I need someone there when I reach out but there isn't anyone there.  The funny thing is, people looking at me from the outside probably thinks I have a lot of friends.  I hang around with a lot of people and talk too plenty on line but it doesn't go beyond surface.  I'm sure that's my fault.  I don't volunteer much of myself at all to anyone.  Fact is, I have a very small ego / sense of self.  I have to protect it with everything I have so it doesn't get snuffed out.  Some people say you can talk to them about anything but the second you do, you just become a burden.  An awkward situation arises which traps everyone.  I have a hard time advocating anyways and trying to present my feelings to someone when I feel like I'm bothering them just doesn't end well.  I end up apologizing and basically running away. 

A girl I know told me that I act self conscious in front of other people.  Then a guy I know told me that he has a hard time talking to me.  He feels like we don't quite understand each other.  As if we are speaking two different languages.  I'm pretty sure I know why he would think that.  I can't quite vibe into the guy friendship thing.  I can't get kinda close just by imitation but actually making that connection has proven very difficult.  It pisses me off, really, but maybe I'll never be able to leap that gap.  It comes down to a question of trust and I can't trust to say my life, ever.   Not with myself, my inner self.  Honestly I can't even access it when I'm around other people.  My part of the brain that controls it just shuts down.

On top of everything else, or maybe just mixed in with the rest of it I've been failing at what I'm trying to do.  I do live action role play and I enjoy it, or use too.  When you LARP you need a storyteller to guide the story along and handle the cards which directs the conflicts and so on.  You basically plan a story around the actions of the players.  It can be hard work because the players try to fight you every step of the way.  Of course that's the point of the game is for them to solve the mystery you, the storyteller, is trying to hide.  Some storytellers are better at this pressure then others and someone like me who is working on their miniscule assertive skills it's difficult.  However if there is no storyteller, then is no story and if there is no story there is no game.  So when no one else volunteered to story tell in a certain place I volunteered.  I put a lot into the story.  These things normally take days or even weeks to plan.  I spent hours and hours on it trying to make it fun.  I spent quite a bit of money I don't have making sure everything looked nice and people would have a good time.  Then I did my very best but it was hard when everything moves so fast and I'm struggling with social anxiety as bad as I am.  I had a few people say they had fun and seem to me it.  I had a few others who seemed to have fun.  I thought it went pretty well and while it wasn't perfect I can accept that I am still learning.  Then there was the Facebook post.  Which I found because it was on freaking Facebook.  A girl, who has always been nice to my face, called me incompetent and named me by name.  The way she said it was so casual as if that was everyone's opinion and this was just my first time hearing about it.  Of course I have no proof of that, only that she said it.  It really hurt and it still does.  After all of that effort and this is what I get.  Another guy did come on and say, in response, that he thought I did a good job considering.  About a week after that one of the leaders of our club found the post and sent a message to everyone saying that such talk is not in the spirit of the club, blah blah and needs to stop.  That doesn't stop me from thinking that everyone has judged me incompetent and there is nothing I can do to change that. 

About 3 o'clock this morning I realized I have to story tell again this Saturday.  I don't know if I can do it now, after all.  The problem is, if I don't, who is going too?  There are going to be something like 25 people showing up, perhaps and paying $10 each and I'm just suppose to desert them?  But I don't have the confidence right now to do it.  I don't know what to do.  So all of this is weighing on me.  I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest and no one cares.  I keep on picturing slitting my throat even though I know that's not a good idea.  It just seems so attractive to be done with it all.  I'm such a failure at everything.  I don't even know any more.             

             

Squirrel,

I'm so truly sorry to hear that you are going through such an emotionally difficult time
Your posts have been such a source of comfort and inspiration to me.

I will respond when I get time, but I wanted to reach out to you. You're not alone.

Licht.

Thanks Licht.  I appreciate that.  Sometimes I just need to get it all out. 

Wow, these people would have me flipping out on them. A-holes. About money though, you talked about a budget and he blew it off but since he works and you're at home, couldn't you secretly start budgeting and cutting corners? Then maybe later use it as proof or use the extra money to fund surgery.

I dunno how young your children are, but there are some ways to make money from the home if you'd like to try and save for surgery. I understand how hard it is to balance priorities and needs when you've got so many responsibilities to keep up with on top of everything else. Your partner sounds like he's making excuses as to why you can't have surgery now, and I dunno, the best I can offer you is to try and find ways to improve your budget at home and show him that you can handle things. Not sure where you live, but there are some great surgeons in the US and France that offer decent results at good prices, so I'd just look -everywhere-. Consider costs that will tie into the actual cost of the surgery and get an estimate of what you'll need. Plan and be smart, I guess?

Otherwise, I offer you my support dude. It's rough, but you will get to where you need to be.

Look, I have zero advice but I want to at least say that it helps the rest of us to hear your troubles. I'm not into what you do and I can't say how it matters, but it does. So yeah. I'm sorry you suffer but keep LARPing and dating and parenting and all that. You are good.

Hi Paul,

I understand debt. Pretty much everyone has it right now. But there should be a way to come up with the amount for surgery on that income. I wonder if he's stalling because he's not entirely comfortable with you having surgery.

Anyway, like Frank suggested, is there any way to save up on your own? Even if all the money you get is for household maintenance, is there a way to cut costs here and there? Cut coupons from the paper?

As far as the friend thing, maybe you're trying too hard? That kind of crying-on-shoulder friendship takes awhile to develop sometimes. At least you're doing everything you can. You've found a hobby you enjoy where you can meet people. Now you may be the new guy but sooner or later you'll bond with people over what sounds like a pretty intense experience. You're making great strides to overcoming your social anxiety just by showing up and putting yourself out there.

I wouldn't worry about what that girl said. So, the last 'story' or whatever didn't go as planned. You're new at this. I would show up for this next one and just do your best and not over think it. If you bail and let everyone down, they'll think she must have been right about you. You had at least one person speak up for you.
Just go, relax, and do your best.
Good luck and let us know how us turns out!

Edit: Just looked at the date. The event should be over. Tell us how it went! 

I am sorry for your situation seams you has alot to deal with... its really a mess and people been kinda mean.
-------
I wonder for the money point if you could work on the net..
I once joined some net working where worked from your computer, cause of famely traditions I wasnt allowed to work and have education at the same time, which was a mess..

I never really tried it cause, I didn't really get it started so I can't say if its a good or bad idea.
--

Quote from: Squirrel698 on July 04, 2012, 06:17:17 AM
I might as well start with my partner.  He says he is there for me and wants me to come to him with my problems but he doesn't mean it.  Whenever I bring up something critical to my well-being, top surgery, he loses it.  He says not for another 2 years if that can we even start thinking about it.  I can't be like this for another 2 years!  The very thought is absurd.  I've been on hormones for 2 years and we both agree my chest is a deformed mess.  I can barely handle it on a day to day basis and he wants me to wait.  The problem is here, he works and I stay home with the kids.  We can't afford daycare for them so I'm not able to get a job.  So I'm dependent on him and I hate it so much.  We have a lot of debt, it's true but he makes over $100,000 a year.  With high bonuses and any one of those could pay for my entire surgery and recovery.  I try to tell him that I willing to cut corners and stick to a lower budget but he doesn't believe me.  Just outright doesn't believe me.  He throws up old numbers and overspending that was both accidental then and unchangeable now.  I feel like he's the parent and I'm the spoiled rotten child asking for something he thinks I don't really need.  Then I'm suppose to see him as a sex partner and equal companion when this is how he treats me?  Not likely.  He accuses me of being selfish by pointing out how much he has given up for me the past couple of years.  I know my whole transition has been a pain in the ass for everyone, including me.  I'm sorry about that but it wasn't my choice all of this had to happen.  I'm sorry I'm such an f-ing burden on the world.  Sometimes I think this whole thing isn't worth it.  Perhaps I am asking for to much when I ask for what I need.  I just need to much but I can't stop needing what I need.           

It doesn't sound like you're solely dependent upon him at all.  From my perspective it seems he is dependent upon on you to raise the children (which is more than a full-time job) as much as you and the kids are on him to bring home the bacon.  Maybe this system between you two of give and take has become off balance?  Both of you deal with other stresses during the day that the other does not, maybe there's something regarding the finances he isn't telling you?  Also, it may be fair to say you both have different ways of handling money.  Raising a family is expensive, especially on one income.  While your partner makes a decent income (with bonuses) you still can't afford daycare and you have a ton of debt.  I can understand why he might want to put it off for another 2 years if he's the sole income earner and there's a minimum payment amount due every month for the credit cards.  Is he union?  Is his job guaranteed?  Or could he wake up tomorrow and be let go?  That very well could be a concern of his.  If I were you though I'd focus more on getting your debt down (which your partner probably would like to do).  Eliminating a good part of your debt might make him feel that it would financially be a good time for you to have top surgery because it doesn't sound like he's saying no, just no to right now.

Quote from: Forum Admin on July 08, 2012, 04:10:04 PM
I understand debt. Pretty much everyone has it right now. But there should be a way to come up with the amount for surgery on that income. I wonder if he's stalling because he's not entirely comfortable with you having surgery.

Anyway, like Frank suggested, is there any way to save up on your own? Even if all the money you get is for household maintenance, is there a way to cut costs here and there? Cut coupons from the paper?

We really don't know the OP and his partners debt amount, but supporting a family while carrying a big amount of debt can be suffocating.

Setting aside money on his own out of the household expenses really could backfire terribly.  Either his partner will see he can get by with less money (the remainder his partner might feel could go towards paying down their debt, etc) or he will draw his own conclusion which is probably nowhere near factual.  Hiding money from a partner/spouse unless you always had separate finances/accounts from the start never does any good because of the conflict it causes.  I will say though that if I gave my partner a weekly amount to cover the communal necessities and there was some left over, by all means, it should be their little bit of mad money.  Now, if they start cutting corners so much in order to set aside the money I gave them to purchase household items and I found out, depending on what they were saving up for, I might be really upset.  It would show my partner didn't trust me.  But at the same time, it would really depend on what they were saving the money for.  Are they setting aside to get us a new dishwasher because we need one?  Or do they want some expensive electronic device they don't need?  (I understand the OP's situation is different than that, but it's really a matter of if his partner sees it as being as equally important as he does.  To me a dishwasher is important but an iPad is not.)

Quote from: Ep on July 08, 2012, 07:23:25 PM
It doesn't sound like you're solely dependent upon him at all.  From my perspective it seems he is dependent upon on you to raise the children (which is more than a full-time job) as much as you and the kids are on him to bring home the bacon.  Maybe this system between you two of give and take has become off balance?  Both of you deal with other stresses during the day that the other does not, maybe there's something regarding the finances he isn't telling you?  Also, it may be fair to say you both have different ways of handling money.  Raising a family is expensive, especially on one income.  While your partner makes a decent income (with bonuses) you still can't afford daycare and you have a ton of debt.  I can understand why he might want to put it off for another 2 years if he's the sole income earner and there's a minimum payment amount due every month for the credit cards.  Is he union?  Is his job guaranteed?  Or could he wake up tomorrow and be let go?  That very well could be a concern of his.  If I were you though I'd focus more on getting your debt down (which your partner probably would like to do).  Eliminating a good part of your debt might make him feel that it would financially be a good time for you to have top surgery because it doesn't sound like he's saying no, just no to right now.


We really don't know the OP and his partners debt amount, but supporting a family while carrying a big amount of debt can be suffocating.

Setting aside money on his own out of the household expenses really could backfire terribly.  Either his partner will see he can get by with less money (the remainder his partner might feel could go towards paying down their debt, etc) or he will draw his own conclusion which is probably nowhere near factual.  Hiding money from a partner/spouse unless you always had separate finances/accounts from the start never does any good because of the conflict it causes.  I will say though that if I gave my partner a weekly amount to cover the communal necessities and there was some left over, by all means, it should be their little bit of mad money.  Now, if they start cutting corners so much in order to set aside the money I gave them to purchase household items and I found out, depending on what they were saving up for, I might be really upset.  It would show my partner didn't trust me.  But at the same time, it would really depend on what they were saving the money for.  Are they setting aside to get us a new dishwasher because we need one?  Or do they want some expensive electronic device they don't need?  (I understand the OP's situation is different than that, but it's really a matter of if his partner sees it as being as equally important as he does.  To me a dishwasher is important but an iPad is not.)

Good point. I didn't consider that. I wouldn't want the situation to get any worse for the OP.

I don't really have any ideas, with the exception of perhaps finding some source of income while staying home. But I feel that your partner (and many others for that matter) are insensitive to the amount of work "staying home with the kids" is. Too bad there is no way to make this make income. If we had a sane society we'd figure this out.

I'm sorry re the troubles you are going thru. You are always so great with others.

--Jay Jay

First, I hope your LARP went well. You never can please all the people all the time, no matter how hard you work at it. I deal with that sort of thing frequently and it still gets to me. I still take it personally even though I know I shouldn't. I'm working on that. That's really the only thing I can think to do. Much like you, I'm totally socially awkward as well. I feel like a lot of the time it's an acting job as much as anything else. Only when I'm truly comfortable with someone do I really act myself and lose the nervousness. It's just another thing to work on getting better at.

As for your situation with your partner, I don't really have any sage advice. That is a great income to have but with bills, that can totally take a chunk out of it (I make even more than your partner and bills I've had for years seem to just keep me in a spot where I can't even have a savings account), then add having to support a family on top of that and it's just stress. Stress means that tempers can easily be set off and emotions are charged. In you telling the situation, I'm sure you both are looking at it through your own lenses and the tension is that your partner, more than you it seems, does not want to understand your position.

Is there any way you could work nights or weekends for a time period that it would take you to bank the pay checks for your surgery? If you guys are staying above water on his salary alone then you having that small income would go 100% to your needs. It's not the prime situation to be sure, but it would be temporary and get you closer to the goal sooner than 2 years.

I find writing stuff out to be therapeutic. It is good to just get stuff out - especially to others who could truly understand your situation. Even if we're not right there with you chatting over a cup of coffee, we're still here and that still matters. You've got plenty of "virtual" shoulders to cry on here.

I guess the real question for me is, to what extent are his money concerns a screen for something else--i.e., perhaps discomfort with your getting top surgery at all.

I was lucky, I guess. My ex was making a six-digit salary as well, but before he decided to break up with me, we were planning to take the top surgery money out of our communal bank account. Before that could happen, he got to the point where he just couldn't take it anymore, and he broke up with me. But he was very clear that our verbal agreement about my top surgery would stand. He was so erratic at that point that I didn't quite believe him, but he was true to his word; I got top surgery several weeks after our breakup, and we paid for it together.

All the same, he was devastated that I actually went through with it. He told me that of course I had to do it, and we weren't even together anymore, but he was deeply disturbed by the whole thing. The look on his face still haunts me sometimes.

If your partner has any reservations about top surgery, he could unconsciously look for any way to stop it--and any way to avoid talking about the real reason he's so worried about money. Then again, maybe he has no trouble at all with your surgery, and his issue is entirely financial. What do you think?

I was in Paul's situation: stay at home parent (thought I had a part time job that gave me a bit of spending money), too much debt, an unsupportive spouse (thought I was not out as trans nor transitioning at the time).  Spouse would not give me much for groceries and kids (read: diapers, clothes, and otehr necessities) and I would spend my own money on toys and clothes, and found great bargains at the thrift store.

Meanwhile, the spouse who claimed we had no money a) bought a brand new motorcycle, b) bought expensive stereo equipment for his car c) bought an over-the-top lawn mower d) bought $50+ shirts at Macy's when I was buying my clothes at Walmart and the kids' clothes at Goodwill e) went out to eat every day for lunch at work.

Yes, money can be tight, but if one partner seems to be getting more than the other, it is unequal.  Not sure if any of this applies to Paul or not.  I'm sure if i tried to transition and my spouse claimed to support me, I would have run into these same road blocks (so sorry, we can't afford  your surgery).

I would see about finding part-time work when your partner is home to watch the kids so you can save a bit. I do think it is important to have something to do outside of the house; it's good for your self esteem and meeting new people. While i likely would have done the stealth squirreling away of money (because it would have been the only way to have saved anything) I, too, don't want you to jeopardize your relationship if it is otherwise a good one.

Good luck!

Jay

Quote from: Squirrel698 on July 04, 2012, 06:17:17 AM
On top of that I'm having a really hard time making friends.  People say they are my friends, I suppose, but my idea of a friend is a shoulder to cry on.  I really don't have that.  You know what, I've never had that.  The only shoulder I've ever had to cry on is my own.  I'm tired of that, so very tired of it.  I need someone there when I reach out but there isn't anyone there.  The funny thing is, people looking at me from the outside probably thinks I have a lot of friends.  I hang around with a lot of people and talk too plenty on line but it doesn't go beyond surface.

i feel the same way im social im even charismatic in certain situations but underneath it all im just a wimpy little kid with no friends with tons of emotions stuck just beneath the surface and i want to open up to someone but there is no one for me to open up to because no one opens up to me.

My previous ex--not my twenty-year relationship--was a guy who, upon getting a part-time job (five hours a day, three days a week) decided that he was too important to bag a lunch. I was working full time, we were barely squeaking by, and I brown-bagged it every damn day. When he found a forgotten twenty-dollar-bill in his jacket pocket--this was a substantial amount of money to us, especially in the mid-eighties--he bought a glossy porn mag without hesitation.

I started a secret bank account. Not for myself but so that we could actually have backup money or car money (my old car wasn't going to last forever). I squirreled away bits and pieces over the months. I gave up my vacation and took the check instead, without telling him. The account was a nice surprise when I revealed it, but I was doing it for us, not just me. I don't want to know how he would have reacted if I'd saved the money for something I wanted. And it would have taken years to save for top surgery that way.

Years later, when we were more solvent, he gave me crap for buying a nicely priced compact Oxford English Dictionary with my own Christmas money. He'd blown his; why couldn't I get what I wanted with mine? Our wife put him in his place about that one before I even had a chance.

Memory lane...

I'm sorry this took so long to respond too.  I was fairly certain everyone would ignore my colossal block of text. 

I appreciate that everyone who took time to answer and the advice they gave.  You know i don't live in a fantasy world where money appears from nowhere.  The surgery is expensive, $10,000 was my approximate quote.  It would be best to pay it in a lump sum as going further into debt would be a bad idea.  It's just frustrating.  Admittedly there are luxuries I can cut out and I'm working on doing that.  If I have to live on the cheap for a year or two, that's what I'll have to do.  I don't know if Greg is comfortable or not with me getting surgery.  He says he is but doesn't quite seem to understand how very very important it is to me.  So who knows?  I just hate being stuck here unable to make the money to get what I need.  Of course even if I was on my own, whose to say I wouldn't be in the same situation.  Times are tough right now.  I don't think hording money in secret would be the best idea or even possible.  We basically work with joint credit cards so I'm not sure where I would get the actual money to save.  One very good reason we can't get out of debt.  Although if I did find a way I don't think he would mind.

Regarding the LARP situation, well I didn't get another chance as I was literally fired from the position.  Okay, that's not completely true.  I was demoted into just writing plots, admittedly my strength, and someone else will run them.  Sadly it usually takes me a few tries to get things right.  I don't know if that's just a failing of mine or if it's that way for everyone.  I wish I had another chance but maybe I will in a year or so.

I'm trying to be more open with people and allow them to be friends.  I think I've made some inroads with a few of them.  Beside being awkward I have this problem where my mind freezes up when I'm on the spot.  If someone asks me a question, even one I really should know, at times I just completely forget.  Being put on the spot causes brain freeze basically.  I'm just hoping the more I practice, the better it will become.  Another thing I need to work on is not working to impress them so hard.  I mean I put way to much money into my set designs out of my own pocket just so they will compliment me on the decorations.  It's crazy and I need to stop it.  I just get a vision in my head and want to create it but I really need to put on the brakes. 

Life is good, really it's good.  I'm where I always wanted to be, outside the surgeries.  Passing full time without question and in a good relationship.  These are just aggravations which hopefully in time I will be able to work them out.  I have to keep trying to remember age 33 isn't dead and a few more years to wait won't kill me.       

Quote from: Squirrel698 on July 16, 2012, 12:44:34 PM
Beside being awkward I have this problem where my mind freezes up when I'm on the spot.  If someone asks me a question, even one I really should know, at times I just completely forget.  Being put on the spot causes brain freeze basically.  I'm just hoping the more I practice, the better it will become. 

I have a little experience with this sort of thing, and it did get better with practice. I had to make a very specific and focused effort to improve, and it did take a couple of years before I really noticed a significant difference. But now I can stand in front of a class with no hesitation, and I wouldn't be able to do that if I hadn't started practicing way back when I was in my twenties.

Quote from: Squirrel698 on July 16, 2012, 12:44:34 PM
Life is good, really it's good.  I'm where I always wanted to be, outside the surgeries.  Passing full time without question and in a good relationship.  These are just aggravations which hopefully in time I will be able to work them out.  I have to keep trying to remember age 33 isn't dead and a few more years to wait won't kill me.     

Yeah. Good looking out for yourself. Passing alone is huge and you are indeed still young.

I'm sorry you've got all this going on. Know that folks here, even if some of us have nothing we can do for you, are always willing to listen. Feel free to PM, facebook, whatever me to talk if you'd like.

chris