Elijah, I don't know you very well, but you seem like a sincere and wonderful person. I am so happy that you are still with us. It is so easy to believe that you are alone - I know looking back at all the times I felt abandoned, there was always someone there - I was just blind to it. We are here for you - and it's so true what AlecSky said:
I spent around 7 years with serious depression, more suicide attempts than anyone knows, and only since around this Christmas can I really say that I'm better. But I'm so glad that I never managed it because being happy is so worth it. I never thought that I would get there but I am and every time I think about it I'm so relieved that I did manage it.
I lived with my grandparents for 10 years - as a then 30-year-old and unemployed trans guy living in Bible Belt town of 700, I had resigned myself to the fact that I was going to just kill myself when my grandparents passed away. Luckily, I waited - and met my wife. She saved my life and I never saw it coming. Now, just about 3 years later, I'm on T and looking forward to surgery next year. It happens - it's worth waiting - and the "in the meantime" blows, but that's where places like Susan's comes in. We do have people to reach out to - even if they're "words on a screen" to our eyes. We are all real people here and offering real support. Take care, mate.