Hello All
I am Chrys Alys. I chose this username because I feel like I am at a changing point in my life; thus chrysalis. I am married to a wonderful man, Curl, and have 3 wonderful dogs, Kisses, Cuddles, and the eldest, Harry! If you wish to please ask me about them! I have had a lot of difficulties during my life thus far. For starters, when I was young I was criticized constantly by my mother on things like breast size, dressing feminine or masculine, playing with boy toys, cutting my barbies, and not being naked in front of her. She would say things like, "Little bitty titty committee", and "It's okay, I gave birth to you so I've seen it all before."
Then, when I was 13, I had horrible headaches, which the doctors found to be caused by a tumor growing on my pituitary gland. I don't know if many of you know, but that is what controls most of the hormones in the human body. The tumor was cancerous and was growing rapidly when removed just a few days after the doctors found it. I was treated with a dose of chemo after it was removed and watched carefully for several months afterward. Thankfully it has not returned and I have not had much problems with that area inside my skull.
However, there were many aftereffects. Because the tumor had completely surrounded my pituitary gland, they had to remove it as well. My hormones then drastically left my system at an exponential rate. I felt drained and had many hallucinations and dreams. I do not think that my mind has ever been the same since the surgery. I had no hormones in my system, so I believe this is when my body and my mind first began to separate.
I did not completely hit puberty until I was 21. Then I was still way underdeveloped. I am now 28 and I feel lost. I have always wanted to give birth to a child or more, and I have found out that that my not ever happen. It pains me to my core, and even now while I am typing feel empty and cry. For this, and many other reasons, I am on anti-depressants.
I also feel like I am missing another part to me; my penis. I have a rather large vaginal mound(?) and feel that my penis should be there. Sometimes I subconsciously reach down to grab it, and realize seconds later that it is not there. I would like to find options on getting a surgically attached penis and HRT.
Lastly, because I am currently fighting SS for Disability, I have no income and no insurance, so I am having trouble finding a therapist. I have tried to talk to my current doctor about all of this but she doesn't seem to want to listen. I think it may be differences in faith, but any cause could be the answer. In any occasion, I am stuck to writing on forums such as this one for my release of tension and comfort. I hope all of you finding your way through this world, stuck in the body you are given through birth, find the best this place has to offer! Blessed Be!
Chrys