Hiya all!!
I'm Sarah and here's my "about me" blurb...
Of course I am new to Susan's and after reading many of the great topics and posts here, I feel it is a safe and inviting place to be
I'm MTF and I'm only 2 weeks away from turning the big "40". Sadly I did not get a jump on my issue until just recently so I've got a lot of catching up to do! Like most people here, I've felt "misplaced" most of my life. Secret crossdressing was going on since age 10 and fantasies about being female have existed as far back as I can recall. I've never fit the male mold and to this day, I still don't. I have one failed marriage from my late 20s that was unrelated to my gender issues.
Over the past few years, I dated a girl and in May 2010, I decided to ask for her hand in marriage. The big problem was that my gender issues have been growing year by year and before I proposed, I "NEEDED" to tell her. She was to become the first person I had ever shared this information with. Several weeks before I planned to propose, I told her...this was the hardest conversation I had ever had with anyone! She wasn't surprised. In fact she took it all rather well. Then came the questions....days and weeks worth of questions. She wanted to understand everything about this, everything from how it feels to how it would affect our future. At the time I told her I had no idea what the future would hold, but there was a strong possibility this was going to get worse. Through it all, we got married May 2011!
Before the wedding, I began to let my hair grow out. This was a first for me and my work mates and family did NOT approve. Yet through all the bashing and snide remarks, I've continued to let it grow. I needed to do whatever I could to help myself feel more feminine. The next thing I started was shaping my brows (which were always huge caterpillars!) Slowly I began to thin and shape them so it wouldn't be noticeable all at once. I eventually hit a point where I started to hear comments. Next was the body hair and I started shaving everything. It was still winter so no one saw my legs but I knew summer was right around the corner. I began using the L'Oreal line of skin care products and moisturizers on my face. The snowball started rolling as I replaced many of my guy items for feminine ones. Bodywash, shampoos, deodorant etc... That summer my family noticed my soft smooth legs but only my sister commented about it. I kind of blew it off and that ended the conversation. Nothing more was said about it.
Fastforward to summer 2011 when I decided to start mixing some female attire into my public wardrobe. My sneakers were the first things I tested the waters with. Buying a pair of women's sneakers with some subtle color, it felt great just knowing I was wearing them! No one said anything. I started buying more pairs in more colors and I absolute loved it! Next I swapped out my socks and then underwear. Week by week, more women's socks and underwear piled my drawer while boxers and old socks went into the trash. As fall rolled around, I got a pair or two of women's jeans that didn't appear overly feminine and started wearing them to work and in public. They felt great and I was thrilled that I was doing it and still no one said anything. I got daring and bought a few more in different styles like flared leg and skinny. This quickly became my daily appearance.
In the fall, I went for my first laser hair removal on my face. Only my wife knew I was doing this and the day after the first treatment, my face was red and blotchy. I started wearing foundation and powder to help hide the redness and loved what it did to my appearance. This too became a daily ritual after that point because again, no one said anything about it. I realized my shirts were now the only thing on my body that wasn't female so I got a few basic v neck shirts in assorted colors and started mixing them in. My wife started making comments that I was no longer being discrete and I hadn't looked like a guy for several weeks. I didn't see it! It became almost like a sickness and I wanted more....In January I purchased a black and purple parka with matching gloves and scarf to replace my old winter coat. And STILL....NO ONE said anything! As far as I was concerned, my clothing was unisex and all that mattered was that I knew from head to toe, I was no longer wearing anything male and that made me happy. In Jan 2012, I went to my first gender therapy appointment.
Then that fateful OMG moment happened one night in February. We went to a restaurant that we frequented quite often and got seated at a table. The waitress came out and introduced herself and said "can I get you ladies started with something to drink?" My wife looked over at me with HUGE eyes and my skin turned white as a ghost! She asked for a diet coke and I looked at the waitress and whispered "the same". Off she went to the kitchen and my wife said "NOW DO YOU BELIEVE ME!!!??" I was scared to death! This was not what I ever anticipated "my first time out as a female" would be like. As excited as I was to hear those words, I wasn't ready for it! It actually ruined my dinner and I sat out in the car and cried afterwards. My wife thought I had a major accomplishment and offered me a high five. I was still in shock. We then went to a department store to return an item we bought awhile ago. As we walked through the store towards the service counter, a girl in the jewelry department said "do you laides need any help finding anything?" I almost lost it right there on the spot! I told my wife to go to the counter, I was going to find a full length mirror!
That was the night I realized it. I stood at the mirror and saw a woman looking back. I had nickel and dimed myself piece by piece, day by day, each time pushing the envelope a little further and a little harder, all the while caught up in the moment that for some reason, I NEVER looked at the whole picture! I'm just under 6 feet tall and weighed around 230 pounds so I never imagined I would be passable. A few days later, I shared the story with my therapist and he said "you've looked like a girl since you've been coming here!" Then WHY hasn't anyone said anything!?! It's when I realized, just because no one says anything, doesn't mean they can't see what's happening. My next therapy session in March, I went out as Sarah for the first time in public with full makeup and more feminine attire then I had ever worn outside my home. It was the scariest thing I had EVER done in my life! On my way home, I decided to stop at Wal-mart and see what it would be like to be a woman in a public setting. The experience was well beyond anything I could have hoped for or dreamt of. It was a pure day of magic....39 years in the making! It was an experience that became tradition.
Today I have gone part time as Sarah. Only my wife, 2 best friends and the medical community know that I am doing this. We sneak out on the weekends to shop and go places far from home in hopes of not running into someone I know. I have pulled back on looking like a girl when I'm in "guy mode" by wearing more guy attire, yet in the past couple of weeks, because of the changes in my hair, face, weight and legs (still pre-HRT btw), I'm having issues passing as a guy! I keep getting ma'amed even when I don't want to be and it's making me uncomfortable. Simply put, I've done too much, too fast and I'm not ready for it. My first endo apportionment is scheduled for October and in preparation, I've gotten my weight down to 206 from the 230 I started at. My family is NOT going to accept this and I'm rather certain, my wife's family won't either! My job is currently in jeopardy due to downsizing and I'm not sure what to do! I'm excited and scared to death at the same time...bitter sweet if you will. Becoming Sarah full time was always the dream yet now seeing it as a real possibility, is quite frightening. The small town we live in won't accept it either. It was another OMG moment when my wife and I have gone out to eat while I'm presenting as Sarah and you hear "would you ladies like separate checks?" My wife looked at me with sad eyes and said "we're no longer seen as husband and wife. We're two girlfriends out having lunch together. I don't want to lose that physical connection I had with my husband, but you are no longer him." That realization tears my heart out. Though through this all, our relationship is stronger than it's ever been. We simply need to work out how to live like this. She is indeed a very special person and we really are best friends and that's a great place to start!!
So to sum it all up, I'm staring down the barrel of HRT. I'm hiding Sarah from the world while wishing everyone just knew and that this was over with. If I have to find a new job, I wish I was Sarah full time so I could start a career as her. I have come way too far to abort this dream yet I feel uneasy when I'm addressed as ma'am when I'm not trying to be. My wife said "you just need to either do this, or stop it! Pick a road and take it!" The purgatory I'm in right now feels like a living hell. I've crossed the line and feel stuck between two genders. I don't know what's right and what's wrong. My therapist put it this way..."if this was a perfect world and no one would care what you did or what you looked like, what would you do?" To which I replied "I'd become Sarah." To which he replied "then that's your answer!" I just don't see it that way but I understand what he's telling me. He sent "the letter" to an endocrinologist so the next step is up to me. Oh why is this so hard!? Why does being happy have to come with such steep prices and risks!?!!?
