All right. After the first panic scare I went to a therapist right away, since I was deteriorating quickly. No eating, lack of strenght, uncapable of paying atention to my work...


That first visit was a "generic" one, before being assigned to one of the several therapists they have (psychologists, psychiatrists and sexologists). It was a "Ok, tell me your problems and your life". During one hour and half it meant reviving everything awful about my childhood and how I had been enclosing away from the world. I didn't drop the bomb with the intrusive thoughts about being transgendered until the last half an hour, and in a really panicked stated. As I said before, the most important answers I got were:


"If you really have been wanting to crossdress for that long, do it. There is nothing bad about it"

"You have thought a lot about it, and you have good reasons to believe it. But have you thought this could be another fad you take and leave to fill your solitude?. You have been doing it with several things on the past. Collectibles, videogames, toys..."

"I want to schedule a visit with another therapist, and I would like you to see a psychiatrist, too. We are going to do weekly arrangements, and If we don't get the fix in four weeks, we would have to send you to another therapist"

"We need to know if this is is being caused by your social phobia and traumas"




After that session it was like my memory had been unlocked. During the weekend I started to accept more and more my true self and to be more aware of how many things I've been repressing over the years. My social phobia and fears started to slowly crumble and the more I believed in my real self, the more decided I am to break them.


Thinking about those three things:


- The crossdressing thing: It's more like starting doing all the things I have always kept away from doing. I have never had any privacy until one or two months ago when I asked my parents to respect when the door to my room is closed until I open it. Now I think that I should start by coming out of the closet with them about being bi and a soon to be crossdresser (still experimenting with make up). Should talk about this on today's session?


- Is it another fad? I don't think so. The collecting fad (videogames), I decided to stop when I felt that everybody was more interested on making money of it than enjoying, and I started to realize that I was sticking with a pack of scalpers. When I started with My little Pony, I stopped because I had everything I wanted and was too obsessive with the opinions from my family. I kept thinking that I was been seeing as a dissapointment by my parents. This is something from far, far away.


- The next visits: I know what a psychiatrist is, and what drugs can do to you. If they try to make me take a pill to feel more calm, they can forget about it. I'm rather crystal clear now. About finding other therapist, I need to ask what did they mean. I hope it is to send me to another one therapist who has experience on G.I.S.


- The cause: I don't know. If wasn't aware of my dysphoria and that it had a name until two weeks ago, but I believe is something I've been carrying since long ago. If I have to think about symptoms of dysphioria on my past:


* During my childhood I was really pissed of about the gender divisions, specially on toys and attitudes. From telling what I couldn't play with to really being angry about girls not having problems with any clothing or toys and me being forced to fit into a pattern.
* During school, I always hang out with the girls, since they were the only ones that wouldn't do any bullying on me. With time I was forced to be away from them too and completely alone by myself. Never managed to get in touch with other kids. This would also continue on High School, with a small group of girls. They saw me more as a confident than a sex predator
* Now I hate my body and face, but this started with the first stages of puberty. In the end I gave away thinking that I would be a lonely monster without hopes all my life
*Even before high school, I had a phase of "God, please make me into a girl" for months. It would pass, but since more than 15 years, I've tend to have escapism fantasies whenever I'm walking from one place to another and there is nothing occupying my mind. Odd thing: They always start with a gender change, or I am always directly a girl on them. Even Ii is always the same aspect and the same ideas for clothing.
* About five years ago I would start to be interested on so called "girly things", even doing my nails when I was alone from some time. I has kept increasing over time. Clothing, long hair, heels...
* When I started to shape my body, remove all hair and start looking at myself naked on the mirror two years and a half ago, I would feel more like a girl than a man.






Today will be my second session. The first one I was expecting to tell me that I was normal, but after it I started to accept it more and more (that's when I began posting here), my fear dissapeared and was replaced with the "Am I doing the correct thing" thoughts. Since then my fears and phobias now seem less important and this has given more commitment to break them. Today I'm feeling euphoric compared to the previous week, but I don't know If this change of mood may appear as negative (I don't think I am bipolar. I have my moments of feeling down, but). I've made a printout of my "Coming out of the closet" thread to carry it and read some portions if needed with the therapist.




The first visit was more about my life, and was like removing a cork that could not be put back. In the end it led to a big fight with my parents and everybody crying as I accused them of the hell I had to endure for 8 years at that awful school, which robbed me of all my friends and free time. I could have had ADD on my childhood but that was unknown on the 80's, so my father's idea to fix it was to enslave me to a desk. That school, apart from being a bullying nest by students and teachers alike, had a penchant for giving insane tons of homework. SO my parents forced my to study and work practically all the time from waking up to going to bed. He would always be behind me controlling every moment or if I was writing too slowly. I had only an hour for me per day, and they forced me into going to more extra classes. Why did they made me endure that for 8 years? They took my little brother from that school after only one year!. Thanks to that I could never develop any social skills or make friends. My father kept saying that he was doing it for my own good, and that now he was sorry about it, but he did not do it with a bad intention.
I have each emotional scar marked on my sould, but I have always done the same thing thing: endure them, hide them in a corner and move to the next thing.






So, I don't know how to handle it today. If we keep talking about my life I will lose confidence very quickly as more and more crap resurfaces, and in the end they may try to convince me that my dysphoria is just scapism from my traumas, and that I don't need it. I don't think so, honestly. I just hid it because I could not understand it and I have always been afraid of showing up my emotions. Being bullied constantly made me adapt the shell of a cynic bastard who does not give a crap about anything and prefers to look like a weird who lives on his own galaxy.






Oh, another thing. I keep thinking that the influence my parents have over me is maybe a bit too much, and that I will not be able to be myself If I need to keep fighting. In a month it will be decided if I keep my work or lose it (66% of keeping it with a better salary). Buying a home would cripple me and I can forget about future FFS, so I'm thinking into looking for a rented place that won't take more than half of my income. I need to be myself without being affected by others.




PS: Ever since I became aware I've been working up on improving my image, learning make up, knowing my sizes, paying attention to how lasses walk or move... Seems natural.

By no means am I a psychologist/therapist so take everything I say with a massive pinch of salt. I've read through your post twice and could raise a point or nine.

Quote from: Apples on August 02, 2012, 04:32:19 AM
After that session it was like my memory had been unlocked. During the weekend I started to accept more and more my true self and to be more aware of how many things I've been repressing over the years. My social phobia and fears started to slowly crumble and the more I believed in my real self, the more decided I am to break them.

When I was 19, I was the victim of a random attack, for no reason whatsoever. Afterwards, I was nervous, had low self esteem and confined myself to my room. Weeks would pass at a time when I would barely venture outside. Teenagers my age were out having fun, meeting girls, going to parties whereas I was stuck in a prison of my own creation, watching movies and TV to provide a sort of escape. Eventually, one lonely night I came to the realisation that my life was slowly passing me by. When I should be out enjoying myself, I was purposefully staying inside and shutting myself off from everyone both physically and mentally.

Something changed. I forgot who I was, how much I enjoyed social interaction and attention. With Social situations, theres nothing to fear. You have to be yourself, believe in yourself and take the initiative.

Quote from: Apples on August 02, 2012, 04:32:19 AMThinking about those three things:


- The crossdressing thing: It's more like starting doing all the things I have always kept away from doing. I have never had any privacy until one or two months ago when I asked my parents to respect when the door to my room is closed until I open it. Now I think that I should start by coming out of the closet with them about being bi and a soon to be crossdresser (still experimenting with make up). Should talk about this on today's session?

Reading through your other posts, you mentioned you would like to start HRT, so why not reveal the truth to your parents straight away? I.E. You wish to transition to be a girl.

In your therapist visit, you said that the "...intrusive thoughts about being transgendered [were secret] until the last half an hour..." which shows (to me anyway) that these thoughts have been laying in the shadowy recesses of your mind for some time, they needed a lot of insight and thought, inner discovery, to finally reveal themselves.

Quote from: Apples on August 02, 2012, 04:32:19 AM- The cause: I don't know. If wasn't aware of my dysphoria and that it had a name until two weeks ago, but I believe is something I've been carrying since long ago. If I have to think about symptoms of dysphioria on my past:


* During my childhood I was really pissed of about the gender divisions, specially on toys and attitudes. From telling what I couldn't play with to really being angry about girls not having problems with any clothing or toys and me being forced to fit into a pattern.
* During school, I always hang out with the girls, since they were the only ones that wouldn't do any bullying on me. With time I was forced to be away from them too and completely alone by myself. Never managed to get in touch with other kids. This would also continue on High School, with a small group of girls. They saw me more as a confident than a sex predator
* Now I hate my body and face, but this started with the first stages of puberty. In the end I gave away thinking that I would be a lonely monster without hopes all my life
*Even before high school, I had a phase of "God, please make me into a girl" for months. It would pass, but since more than 15 years, I've tend to have escapism fantasies whenever I'm walking from one place to another and there is nothing occupying my mind. Odd thing: They always start with a gender change, or I am always directly a girl on them. Even Ii is always the same aspect and the same ideas for clothing.
* About five years ago I would start to be interested on so called "girly things", even doing my nails when I was alone from some time. I has kept increasing over time. Clothing, long hair, heels...
* When I started to shape my body, remove all hair and start looking at myself naked on the mirror two years and a half ago, I would feel more like a girl than a man.

How committed are you to transitioning? How important would it be to live your life as a woman? Would it make you feel complete?

Like your therapist said, it is not, and cannot be, a fad. A 4-6 month 'adventure'. The decision to transition must be undertaken with all your heart and mind. It is a long, troubling, arduous slog of emotions; a journey of inner-contentment. It takes us through the deepest hardest periods of our lives but we come out the other end reborn and stronger.

Quote from: Apples on August 02, 2012, 04:32:19 AM
- The next visits: I know what a psychiatrist is, and what drugs can do to you. If they try to make me take a pill to feel more calm, they can forget about it. I'm rather crystal clear now.

Personally, I am not a massive believer in drugs - they work for some people, they don't work for others. I would say I am definitely in the latter category. So moving on...

Quote from: Apples on August 02, 2012, 04:32:19 AMToday will be my second session. The first one I was expecting to tell me that I was normal, but after it I started to accept it more and more (that's when I began posting here), my fear dissapeared and was replaced with the "Am I doing the correct thing" thoughts. Since then my fears and phobias now seem less important and this has given more commitment to break them. Today I'm feeling euphoric compared to the previous week, but I don't know If this change of mood may appear as negative (I don't think I am bipolar. I have my moments of feeling down, but). I've made a printout of my "Coming out of the closet" thread to carry it and read some portions if needed with the therapist.

This is good - its as if you're beginning to cast off your fears. You're right, they are insignificant. You just have to believe in that.

Thats a good idea with the printout too. Sometimes a bit of mental stimuli can really help in an awkward situation, especially in the deeply personal environment of the therapist's office.

Quote from: Apples on August 02, 2012, 04:32:19 AMThe first visit was more about my life, and was like removing a cork that could not be put back. In the end it led to a big fight with my parents and everybody crying as I accused them of the hell I had to endure for 8 years at that awful school, which robbed me of all my friends and free time. I could have had ADD on my childhood but that was unknown on the 80's, so my father's idea to fix it was to enslave me to a desk. That school, apart from being a bullying nest by students and teachers alike, had a penchant for giving insane tons of homework. SO my parents forced my to study and work practically all the time from waking up to going to bed. He would always be behind me controlling every moment or if I was writing too slowly. I had only an hour for me per day, and they forced me into going to more extra classes. Why did they made me endure that for 8 years? They took my little brother from that school after only one year!. Thanks to that I could never develop any social skills or make friends. My father kept saying that he was doing it for my own good, and that now he was sorry about it, but he did not do it with a bad intention.
I have each emotional scar marked on my sould, but I have always done the same thing thing: endure them, hide them in a corner and move to the next thing.

I'm sorry that you feel that resentment towards your father. You have to view things from his perspective though - he thought he was doing the right thing. At the time, sending you to a boarding(?) school seemed like the correct thing to do - to 'cure' your social awkwardness, he'd envelop you in a place wherein you couldn't help but interact with people, every single day. With the intention of making you more sociable, he unwillingly caused you to close up and shield yourself from everything and everyone.

He is remorseful now though, he's admitted what he did was wrong. He's at fault, but at the end of the day he is your father, he's confessed his remorse and over all: he loves you.

Blaming him for messing up your adolescence is understandable, but be sure not to hold it against him forever, because it will only cause more grief and prolong the agony. He's sorry, so maybe you should go up to him and accept his apology and renew and reinvigorate your bond.

Quote from: Apples on August 02, 2012, 04:32:19 AMSo, I don't know how to handle it today. If we keep talking about my life I will lose confidence very quickly as more and more crap resurfaces, and in the end they may try to convince me that my dysphoria is just scapism from my traumas, and that I don't need it. I don't think so, honestly. I just hid it because I could not understand it and I have always been afraid of showing up my emotions. Being bullied constantly made me adapt the shell of a cynic bastard who does not give a crap about anything and prefers to look like a weird who lives on his own galaxy.

You answered your own question! If you honestly and whole-heartedly want to transition then theres not a force on Earth that can hold you back.

Quote from: Apples on August 02, 2012, 04:32:19 AMOh, another thing. I keep thinking that the influence my parents have over me is maybe a bit too much, and that I will not be able to be myself If I need to keep fighting.

Remember, you aren't an extension of them. You are you. Believe in that, believe in yourself.

Quote from: Apples on August 02, 2012, 04:32:19 AMIn a month it will be decided if I keep my work or lose it (66% of keeping it with a better salary). Buying a home would cripple me and I can forget about future FFS, so I'm thinking into looking for a rented place that won't take more than half of my income. I need to be myself without being affected by others.

Taking a break from the family can be good, it allows you some time and peace of mind to really go over all these emotions and thoughts and work out how you want to proceed in your life.


Do you want to be the "... cynic bastard who does not give a crap about anything and prefers to look like a weird who lives on his own galaxy." Or do you want to be who you really are?

Its as simple as that really.
Good luck and all the best and please please please keep in touch
X

Thanks. The problem with my parents is somewhat big:




- They are passing though a very bad moment. The grandparents on both sides of the family are destroying their life. They are practically dependant now at 90, but they reject any external help (They could get a helper for cleaning, or preparing food for them). They are practically enslaved, cleaning and cooking for them, and almost cannot withstand the rejection (they keep behaving more and more childishly and broken, they will throw away the food or try to starve, the grandfather keeps saying that he only wants to die already because she cannot stand grandma anymore), won't bathe...
That's on my father's side, with four persons taking turns daily. On my mother's is even worse. Between five brothers and sisters they take turns of between 15-30 days to care the other grandma (no grandpa now), and is also getting worse. Can't barely move, overweight and a mountain of hate. She should be already on some sort of retirement clinic with full day attention, but all their son and daughters keep fighting about what to do and stabbing themselves with the timeframes. When my mother is here she will usually answering the crying calls of her sister which cannot stand the torture the grandma subjects them too.




They have too much pressure over they shoulders, and I still can't talk from a 100% percent sure point. They are not the kind of persons that take this kind of things lightly. I was forced to tell my father since I was in a pathetic mood during the "intrusive thoughts stage". In the moment I explained He just calmed because he wouldn't believe me and regarded me as an hypocondriac. He said something like "I would have to accept it", but he just does not believe me. I was going to get laser on my face the other day and he stopped me "it's too early, wait until you are sure". I asked him to please leave the discussion for me and my therapists for the moment until something is clear (they will never believe anything for me).




With my mother... Is far worse. She's the kind of person that will fight about anything to just impose her oppinion, and will never believe any other thing that is not what she acknowledges as her own truth. She's brainwashed by sensationalist programs and has the typical opinion of "->-bleeped-<-gots and whores". Her mind is deep set on 50 years ago. She has practically bitched about EVERYTHING on my entire life, from any piece of clothing I buy to my haircut. No stop, always trying to control everything with "it's the best for you".




Oh, and you don't want to hear about "Hormones" at home. At this country there is too much of an stereotype for the trans, no thanks to the Gay pride parades and something Worse: "La Veneno". Some ->-bleeped-<- prostitute that appeared on a late night show on the 90's, now a monstruosity after spending half of the time on jail, and full of sickness. They believe that any HRT will turn me on that and kill me. WHen you say something like "transexual" here, that's what they will always think.






I'd would be easier to just go with the crossdresser part for the moment, to make things more gradual, but I know the replies: "You will look like a monster, everybody will make fun of you, what will happen if any on the family knows of this, or our neighboours? We will be the laughing stock. The sons of the ->-bleeped-<-got."




Better not to mention the rest of the family. I see them less than once a year, but they are the most homophobic thing you will find, sporting the typical "macho attitude". I cannot stand them now, but going though a transition means never going back there.

I'm really sorry to hear that. If you manage to get this higher-paid job, then moving away from all the hate will be a good thing for you and for your parents. For you, you get to escape the carnage and hatred and have time to gather your thoughts whereas your parents will get more time to focus on caring for their parents and have less time to worry about other things (your transition). They seem to already be under high stress so moving out will hopefully get them to think straight.

As an aside, I'd seriously consider getting your mother and her siblings to sit down around a table and work out their problems regarding your grandmother. Their squabbling is doing nothing but drive them all apart so they should have a moment of sanity and admit that they can't cope with caring for their mother be themselves and look for a retirement home for her.

I hope it works out well for you
x

EDIT - oh and about the homophobic members of your family - ->-bleeped-<- them! If they can't see past their outdated, bigotted views then do you really want to keep in contact with them? Live your life the way you want and leave them to their petty narrow-mindedness.

Not that much better paid, but at least I could get over the 1000€ mark. My father insists in that I should buy a home and he would lend me money, but I'd still keep some savings in case FFS could be needed.

Alright, second visit. Still not a lot of talk about the Dysphoria. Today we discussed about the incident that happened at home on saturday (Another repressed bad memory which caused a family fight), and knowing about my family.

The most important part today was dividing the problems in A (anxyety, fear, anger,self-steem) and B (The Dysphoria). Since A seems smaller and easy to overcome for me now, she linked it to "A big problem (B) makes other insignificant. She proposed the idea of that I could look at the outcome of B as a magic solution that would automatically erase A. Not really possible, though. No matter how much I change physically, only I can fix those things. They are still separate problems to me. She didn't understand very clearly what I needed (the letter explaining that the dysphoria was not caused by another disorder and that it was OK), so I'm not very sure about what we will be getting.

Working on B could have three outcomes, as she put it: "Fixing" it and leaving the consult (The back to normal solution), which was quickly removed. Working on the case there, or sending it to other specialists. They will need to get in touch with the local G.I.D. unit to gather some info...

The last part was preparing the family tree. Quite normal, I guess. In the end she kept a copy of what I had been writing these days on the "coming out of the closet" thread. It would speed up things a lot, although I don't know if it was a good idea. When I read what I wrote at moments of despair and straight from the heart, It can be quite scary.

Today's session feeling:  A bit intimidated...

If its straight from the heart then it reveals your innermost emotions and feelings, so can be useful to your therapist as she can get to the heart of the matter more quickly.

I would recommend staying with her for a few more sessions. Its only been the 2nd session, so you are still getting to know each other and, I guess, still apprehensive about revealing your deepest thoughts to her. Think of it as a jigsaw - at this stage, she's still putting pieces together and hasn't identified what she's seeing infront of her yet.

Be patient and I'm sure the results will come 
x

I have too more sessions booked for the next week, one of them with a psychiatrist. They are not trained on GID, so they are going to contact other experts on the matter.




If I had to think about it, most of my life I've felt as I was trapped inside a robotic body, controlling it though a small window, and trying to look like something the society would accepct.

Thats good news that your therapist and psychiatrist are communicating with gender specialists - they'll have the benefit of already knowing everything about you and hopefully can provide some answers at some point in the near future. Also, its great that you are continuing to pour your thoughts on here and take print outs to your therapist. Often its easier to say with a pen and paper (or keyboard!) than with spoken words.

For what its worth, I had a similar experience. Not so much like a robot, but rather, "Is this all my life is?" When I finally got on hormones the surge of emotions was almost invigorating. It made me feel as if I had just woken from a dream. This may, or may not, be the case for you.

Regarding trying to be acceptable to society is a tough one because everyone wants to fit in and yet everyone wants to be different, unique. I say, go with what you want to be.

Good luck with the appointments and keep us updated
x

Next session is on monday, So I have two days to prepare. My biggest concern still is that I don't feel like true, like I'm still faking it. If they ask me why do I want to be a woman, I don't know what I can tell them. To me is something coming from the inside. It's just that I cannot see my future life as I am now, and I cannot accept it. I've tried to improve my aspect and have more self-steem but it just does not work.


I know that I don't want to continue being a man, That I hate my body, but my only "proof" are just the fantasies, being close to the girls, hating the gender stereotypes I had to stuck with... But I can't find something that can stand without being dismantled.


At first I was afraid of doing it and regretting. Now I am only afraid of not being able to do it, of the therapist deeming it as a fantasy and telling me that I don't need it. I try to picture myself in ten years, and can't do anything but start crying. I'm afraid that they think to me only means a magic restart of my life to wash away 30 years of solitude and pain. I've wanted to do this since I was a kid and still believed in miracles, but in the end I had to cast away my hopes, turning them into just a daily fantasy of imagining a parallel life, until I discovered that change was a possibility. I cannot endure watching myself on the mirror and seeing that sad thing, questioning why she had to be born like this wretched thing.


I fear that If I don't start looking frail and girly in front of the therapyst they will never believe it, but for me is a matter of the inside. Clothes and make up are just accesories, an aid to help you in your transition. In fact, If I wasn't for my parents and I was living alone I'd have started a long time ago. Every time when I believe they are sleep I hide on the bathroom and start practicing make up, I keep gathering data on clothing on sizing, waiting until I get enough information...


I don't know. I want this, but I feel that I am fake. But I don't want the other option and be stuck here, feeling pitiful about what I am now. When I accepted that I wished for transition my burden started to become lighter. A new world of possibilities, far away from my current sadness. Every time I see a girl walking down the street I feel tha's how I want to be, I envy them...


If I have to simplify it: I don't want to keep living my life the way it is now, both physically and emotionally. I can't. I've tried to live, to set a few objectives. I completed them. Still feel hollow. I don't want to be what I am, I have to shed this skin and be liberated. But how can I make them believe me? I believe in myself, but I can't find a definitive proof to show to others. The more and more I fight my blocks and barriers, the more I want to be free.


So far by now, I've dismantled every reason I had to not to transition, to the point I want to tell my parents, even if they don't believe me, but I can't find enough reasons to transition. So far I only have this:

- I can't identify myself with my body or face, and to keep on living like I am now has no sense to me. They have told me that I am attractive, have a good figure, I am intelligent and people love me. But to me, I am a monster. I feel wrong

- I don't want to keep acting manly, or macho. Every time somebody mentioned the trans topic I just mocked it to give people the idea I was the complete opposite. I feel that I have created a fake persona and almost believe on it.

- Yeah, I want all the things that came with being a woman. Clothing, make up, heels, breasts, long hair...

- I don't want to accept it, but I would gladly get to the point where I would remove my genitalia and live full time as a woman. I even fantasize with being penetrated by a man...

- I really regret not having done this earlier in life, 10 years ago.

- My mind keeps moving more and more towards the transition. They are just shy attemps, but I keep wanting more and more and despising my current self.

- I want to tell this to people, having it stored inside me is eating by myself. I want my parents to know that I wish to do this, and that they accept me any way I become.

- I want to be seen to the world as I really am. My biggest fears were turning into something strange, but not anymore. It's not just the body, but the heart.

- I will never know what is "to feel like a woman", but I certainly don't feel like a man. I hate being a man.

- It gives a meaning to my life, and a reason to keep on living

- I have nothing to lose and a lot to win. I know that It will be hard, that people will make me feel bad, but I don't care. My family will always be there for me.

- I have already started and I will keep going on. I wanted to wait until I got the approval to remove my hair, but not anymore. Every moment that passes I keep trying to get more and more closer to what I wish for. It's been only two weeks I have broken so many of my personally built walls. I can't go back to my old self. I have discovered myself. I want to accept that I have feeling and I care for other persons. I'm not the sick ungrateful bastard I built to cover me.





How can I end it... No matter how much I write or try to argument, is an emotion, a feeling. It comes from deep inside of me and I want to embrace it. It does not need explanations.

You can't find enough reasons to transition? Yet you just listed 11 valid, acceptable, truthful points! Theres no deadline; no limit, no cut-off point. Do you think you would be happier as a woman and do you have the tenacity, the fight, the determination to follow your dreams and be who you want to be? Who you know you are.

I would seriously consider showing your post to your therapist, for her to make of it what she will. But to me it shows that you clearly feel a need to transition; you've tried this 'male' life and it isn't helping. You know what you want. Change is a possibility.

All the points you raised are good ones which you really have to bring up to your therapist. At the end of the day, I am not qualified to tell you what to do or what not to do, its all just my opinion. But I believe in you, whatever you choose to do.
X

Thanks for believing in me, Bexi.


It's just here on text it sounds well, but when I am there in the therapy, I feel as If they were looking at some sort of trucker, like that all of this coming from somebody who doesn't look even androgynous at this moment is bull->-bleeped-<-. Even when I am talking, I cannot express it with the same security I have here. Thinking of another future eats my soul...


PS: Bought these ones...


http://www.amazon.co.uk/Monkee-Classic-Organic-Sateen-Skinny/dp/B00543RDI0/ref=pop?ie=UTF8&qid=1344038504&s=clothing&sr=1-3&ssv=size_name%3A34W%20x%2033L

I know the feeling - at the start, I was a typical guy, probably more athletic than most. Before my transition I tried really hard at being a guy, working out, playing sports, sleeping with girls, but it wasnt me. I was unhappy and fulfilling these roles because I thought thats what society expects. Since I realised I was living a lie and decided to transition, I have never been happier. Im like a totally different person!

Sometimes I feel that with pen and paper (or a keyboard) we can express thoughts and emotions that we find too personal to share with our voices. I know I can help a lot of people here, online by listening to their problems and giving my opinion, but in my day-to-day life I'd probably be dumbstruck and tongue-tied.

BTW those jeans are friggin awesome!!! My thighs are still too big to fit in them but soon...!!! I really think having goals helps during transition - like even if we don't think we're progressing we still have goals that prove otherwise. Like losing weight. Or muscle. Getting a feminine haircut. Or your eyebrows properly shaped. All of these are little steps that may not seem like much, but when they all add up; you'll be surprised 

X

The more I see those jeans, the more I want them hehe!

x

Quote from: Bexi on August 03, 2012, 07:33:21 PM
I know the feeling - at the start, I was a typical guy, probably more athletic than most. Before my transition I tried really hard at being a guy, working out, playing sports, sleeping with girls, but it wasnt me. I was unhappy and fulfilling these roles because I thought thats what society expects. Since I realised I was living a lie and decided to transition, I have never been happier. Im like a totally different person!

More or less a resume of my life, minus the part where I spent almost ten years in a limbo just watching life pass.

I think I have screwd it badly. I'm trying to get some information, but looks like going to a private therapist won't allow you to access to HRT through Social Security. On the other hand, Social Security is quite dangerous, since they will force you to go though an excessive RLE and forcing you to be stuck in woman mode all the time. Plus it takes more than two years.


Dunno what I can do at this moment. Doing everything on private mode seems a better idea, although rather expensive.

Apples

Dont stress. You are now taking control of you life, not letting it control you.
I feel very much like what you said and I think most here feel very simmilar.
You are not alone

I took control myself yesterday and could not feel better.
I booked a first laser session on my face and afterward it felt so empowering.
I have been ignoring it since I knew for sure at 15. I am now in my 40's.

Speak to you therapist from your heart and do worry about it.

I have seen many over the years and found that not everyone clicks but when you find a therapist who you relate to it makes talking about things far easier.

Best of luck

Jen

The deal means that If I that from what I have read, getting the approval from a private therapist means going through a private endo later, and paying the meds on your own, which I cannot afford. I'm trying to get in touch with local trans groups, to see what can I do. The national GID centers have their own set of policies and methods, and I need to know If what I am doing with these therapist will get me to move on treatment through Social security. Usually the requisites for starting HRT here seem to be 3 months of psychotherapy, or the RLI. Although later the RLI is started after HRT since almost nobody can pass. They give you to years to adapt to your new role, and... I don't know what comes next. If you haven't adapted fully you won't get a name change, but I hope they don't cut the treatment.


I don't want that badly to fully give away my male identity and forget who I am. I'd be living another lie.

3 months seems like a long time but it goes really quickly. If you spend the time inbetween feminizing yourself and thinking about the therapy sessions, it'll pass before you know it.

Can you go down both routes and whichever one seems more hassle-free, suitable for you or quicker opt for that and drop the other one? Or do they have to be mutually exclusive?

For what its worth, most countries require the RLI before you are allowed to go on HRT, even though most of us struggle to pass without hormones. So thats a positive for you.

Are you sure you have a "Male Identity" or is it a "Male Façade" that masks your feminine inner self? You said in an earlier post that "...I don't want to be what I am, I have to shed this skin and be liberated." You can still change outwardly and still be who you are.

x

I can't do RLI withouth HRT, neither my family will approve it, neither I can pass with my face. Guess I'm pretty much ->-bleeped-<-ed up and throwing money on a therapist that can't do anything.


What I found on the doc goes like this:


Elegibility criteria

1. Be at leas 18 years older (OK)
2. Be aware of positive and negative effects of treatment (OK)
3. At least three months on one of these two conditions:
3.1. RLI that has been documented (No way)
3.2. Psychoterapy (Need to know if what I am doing can qualify as this)


Disposition criteria
1. Consolidated sexual identity during RLI or Psychotherapy (Can work towards this, If I listen to what I write when I am depressed)
2. Psychic  stability (I am alone, I have difficulties with making friends, but I am not unstable or crazed)
3. Being responsable with treatment (Of course)




Too much needs to be answered. If this does not work, I don't know what. RLI is an obstacle with my factions and my current condition.






Update: Another night of fear and revolting thoughts.

QuoteAre you sure you have a "Male Identity" or is it a "Male Façade" that masks your feminine inner self? You said in an earlier post that ".[size=78%]..[/size]I don't want to be what I am, I have to shed this skin and be liberated." You can still change outwardly and still be who you are.

I keep being terrified of who I might be. Even that "male facade" is starting to be questioned at some times, like there is something I want to hold to and avoid sinking. I'm afraid that after some years on transgender mode I can be finally give away everything and realizing SRS. That I may like to be full time. I'm too terrified to think on how everything can evolve on a future.


Yesterday I finally met with some friends, and happiness and hope returned for a few hours. We divided my problems in A and B. A is the sum of all my fears. Although I can easily fix a few A problems through effort and gradual exposition, yesterday I realized which are the ones that made me go to the therapyst: The inability to form new relationships, make new friends and the fear of being rejected. B cannot fix this, and is the thing that has been crippling my life above anything else. This will become worse if B turns into a reality. I'm not ready for that until I can function socially at a deeper level. There is another type of transition I wish even more than the gender one: The transition towards being a full fledged person which can form true links to other beings. Having only one friend and be forced to wait until he has some time for me is terrible. He has his own life and I hold to him as to a burning nail. My biggest wish is to build a circle of friends, I still yearn for a deep relationship towards love. which scares me too much as I can't open my heart to other persons.

I'd rather put the gender dysphoria (if it is real) on a side until I can work on developing myself. The fear of dying alone weights more on my scale.

Good news. Managed to get in touch with local associations and obtain updated info.


The RLE is not required anymore, and the two years thing is only needed for changing your name and birth certificate. I don't need to talk about this with the private therapist.






For the time being, I don't know If I should delay going to the G.I.D. until I sort my other emotional problems, or go on a parallel way.